I Suck at Christmas

This is the thing, I love giving gifts. The only problem with that is that I really suck at giving gifts.

Quickly, let's run over a few things that make a great gift:

1. The very famous advice "Buy something for them that they wouldn't buy for themselves".
   
   
2. Thoughtful presents that makes their lives more bearable.
   
   
3. Make the gift with a particular skill or a picture to commemorate a special moment in time.
   
   
4. Give them a book that you've read so that you can share the experience.
   
   
5. Give an expensive gift that is thoughtless but keeps them in the updated realm of technology.
   
   
6. Ask them what they want and give it to them.
   
   

This is my checklist for gifts. Seems like a decent list if I don't say so myself(well, I guess I'm saying so). All the same, it's as if I have no check list at all. I am so insecure. No confidence. Using too much brain to estimate and weigh appreciation and acknowledgement. I do know that people generally accept the gifts they are given in good nature but something about this "Inner perfectionist" destroys my holiday spirit to the point that I don't even like the holidays.

When I hit 19 years, my mother go me a flash light. Christmas was so destroyed as in the anticipation of receiving. I simply just stopped caring about getting gifts when I realized that I was equally shitty about giving them. I have put in some serious effort and given some very deeply emotional gifts. Lately, there has been no reciprocity. It makes me wish I could just not be included. Like an opt out option. I am perfectly fine with not giving or receiving gifts. I excel when I can just gift to people when they need because I'm much more reliable in that situation.

I just don't do well with the holidays and despite how much I try to change, all of these thoughts interrupt my effort and nullify my spirit. In the last few years I had come to an opinion that naivete/ignorance was just as useful as intelligence & resourcefulness. Then yesterday, while watching one of my treasured animes, I came across a line that said "The steeper and more dangerous the path, the greater the need for both wit & ignorance to move forward." Hunter x Hunter

I felt like history acknowledged my hypothesis. Of course, if I were a bit better read, this would have been cemented in my recall centers. I'm a sharp boy; I should have read more books. Maybe then I would be more disciplined about things of this nature where I currently struggle. Who knows. I'm not one for the woulda, shoulda, coulda game. It was or it wasn't. You did or you didn't. And I failed this year and last year and the year before. Even with my small victories.

Check out my melodies. I'm creating a nice little pattern of gifts for my loved ones and it'll be the same thing but different every year. Because I simply refuse to be a gift card guardian.

I Breathe Love

Y'all might think, after reading any two of my blogs a few things. Well, those things are true. I like love. I like to remember love. I like everything about it. I've never felt as immortal as I did when I was in love. Yeah, this is going to be another touch on that topic. If you are bored of me already, well, my bizzle but maybe next time? No? Kay.

Look, I remember when I lived in Germany and I fell in love with this little Puerto Rican girl. I was bit with the love bug so hard. I was so nervous. People useta make fun of me. I didn't mind that much but I was too afraid to approach her. A simp from a young age. Whatdya do about that? Well, without a father, whatever you can manage.

I kept my attachment cycle going in silent. I grew more and more patient. Then, I got courage. Well, it was more like I was tired of not giving the girls a say in it. I kept running into girls that liked me but I never let them know that their feelings were reciprocated. I know, it's weird that I did it. It's weird that I remember it. It's weird that I'm even mentioning it. Fuck that. It's fun for me to remember all of the beautiful faces that I've appreciated. All the women I put on a pedestal. All the horrible human things they've done.

See, I don't blame a single one of them for being human. I may vent from time to time but I don't take it personal because it isn't. It is what they wanted. But there isn't a woman who hurt me intentionally. Well, one but she's still so in love with me years later that I feel for her. She was a great girl too. And I hurt her first. I crushed her reality. But this ain't 'bout that. I learned, grew up and moved on. We all have faults. I'm human too. Any Way.

It was most likely due all of the cartoons and movies I consumed but I had this really thick sense of morality & chivalry. It lingers. There are some things I have simply made my mind up to always do, regardless of where I'm at in life. My mother has gotten so many compliments for raising me. She raised some gentle boys. But my point is that I used love as motivation. I used accomplishment in physical tasks as a way to merit my personal worth to the women I was interested in. That mess almost never worked. Although, I was always popular in school. It was more of my disagreement with the other students that inspired me to sorta keep to my lonely. It was a beautiful thing. I liked the silence. I liked not needing to interact on something completely pointless. And this may be a surprise but life in school is precisely like life after school with the change in choices of consumption or work. The interpersonal dynamics are what I'm referring to. Those dynamics almost never change.

I hate it. I hate interacting with people that refuse to mature beyond backstabbing and popularity contests. I could play the game now just like I could have played it then but there is still something I don't get because today, I realized, the reason I can withstand so much emotional abuse is that I use love as a motivating factor. What causes me joy can never cause me enough pain unless you compromise the joy. That's why my standards are set the way they are. I'll go back to a woman no matter what as long as there were no other men involved. I hate feeling less than and other men are always playing the pissing match game. Always saying some irrelevant shit that shouldn't mean anything to anybody. But they find a way to make irrelevant shit seem like the world. This is why other guys cannot be involved in my loves in the least. Friends, cool. Brothers, fathers cool. But sharing a lady? Fuck outta here. That's my motivation.

If I love a woman, no matter my pain, Imma get out of bed and run for what ever will help us be together. It's too strong an urge. EVERY OTHER URGE is one tenth the strength. This is why I can say, I'll never do .....again and stick to it. Because I am that focused on love. Not pussy. Not sex. But love. And from a very young age. I don't have a problem with that. I'm no idiot. And if I had a real issue, I'd know what to do to handle it. This last relationship was the closest I've come to implosion. And this girl was awesome. I mean, she is making the school newspaper every other month. She is receiving money from anonymous donors. She is getting jobs that she isn't qualified for. AND I DATED HER FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS  BUT STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW. LOL. Sometimes, I think I was way out of my weight class. Lol. Be that as it may, I grew rapidly because of the shit I was put in constantly. Look, my point is, that while I was in love with her, my tendency to overcome everything and beast circumstance eroded. She just quantum fucked my mojo away. Lol. And I can already feel it oozing back into place. I can feel the motivation for love returning to my finger tips. Commanding my tongue. Sparking my wit. And augmenting my new additions of growth and maturity. But I ain't tryna brag or show off. That's why I'm typing this way. Sorta of informally and colloquially filled.

Basically, I found another way to do the same old thing; to be motivated by love without a proxy. I don't need an agent. Without an agent, I formerly didn't care. When I had an agent, I would get A's. When I was conflicted, I got C's. This last girl was the epitome of conflict. Look off of that. It's about my transition back into strength. No matter what comes my way. No matter what I need to go through. I will not lose sight of who I am. Who I have grown into being. While I don't fully have myself mapped out; I'm no longer afraid of the awesome that I can create. I'm no longer stuck on the minutia. I am a man that knows his "self". A man "realized".

Going over that "girls I loved for ammunition to make it through my days phase" was painful as shit. But that's just who I was. I will always be that person even after I change.

I live to interact with women. I love them. I love fruit. I love the fuckin lamp. I love lovin shit. I breathe love. I am motivated by love. The more love I am offered; the more love I create. I'm back on my bullshit. Non violence, non violence. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

What am I listening to nowadays? Miguel...that freaky lil half black/half mexican has some freaky lil songs. John Mayer. Yo, that dude. He's dope. Got White man rhythm but he is dope as fuck. I'm probably going to get back into Van Hunt and Yazarah. Janelle Monae. Erykah Badu and Lauryn Hill. D'angelo. Jamie Foxx maybe. JILL MUTHA LOVIN SCOTT. NO Doubt. OUTKAST. Ghostface Killah be killin these tracks. Pac ain't really got shit for me to hear anymore but that man raised me with music. Kanye KRACKS. I'm trying to avoid rappers that mention themselves in either third person or every third bar. That means Nas is out. LOL. Rakim. is out. BUSTA is in. Twista will have a small part. One HIT WONDERS. Ray J. cool with me. Dream. Cool with me. Ginuwine was that dude. Look PRINCE.

GIRLS LIKE YOU, REMIND ME THAT I'M LONELY....REMIND ME THAT I'M Looooohhhooonnnnneeelllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! That's my shit. That shit jams with the techno-esque beat. It just hits that spot. 

Anyway, somewhere in there, I tried to make a point about breathing love. That's what I came here for. What ever it takes to get where I need to be. Starting when I wake up, regardless of the world I wake up in. 

Let's go and get this work in.

Morning wake up routine, beginning in a few hours?

50 pushups.

100 lunges 

100 squats into calf extensions

ten minutes of stretching

Gambling Odds

You meet a new person. You really like the person. You think about them constantly. You go to sleep dreaming about the fabulous connection that you two might have. You wake up thinking about how great they are. At some point, you realize that the awesomeness that this person embodies, simply isn't meant to be for you. And what do you do? That's right, you slowly pull away. At first gently but progressively less gentle.

There are more than a few reasons for why you'd do this. It may be a cop out to say somebody isn't meant to be in your life. When there is a will there is a way. On any given day, you'll meet plenty of possible lovers. Each of them stepping back into their path after you avoid snagging them. It is a beautifully miserable strategy. Because you want to love them. You want to take there gorgeous humanity and decorate your moments with their laughter. Alluring.

What could possibly stand as a viable obstacle ? Just that; obstacles. The distance; the differences in lifestyle. Even in the miracle that coming together is accomplished with love and nobody else is left to the throes of agony, building a great foundation for the future is the first and most important task to undertake. And systematically, the two would need to come together to build forward while building upward. It is complex and complicated. Too many emotional issues lie, camouflaged, in between. What's most? Insecurity destroys most relationships. Trust, communication, they destroy many others.

Matter of fact, let's digress into a metaphor of emotions. The ninja village is called The Land of Hidden Emotions. There are different specialists classes training in this village. There is the insecurity squad; the arrogance squad; the betrayal squad...well you get it. These emotions are ninjas out to assassinate what ever connection you are attempting to foster. The only way to defeat ninjas was to communicate and distinguish a threat from a normal denizen(reasonable request) of the relationship.

When it is clear the the gambling odds on a relationship are stacked in the favor of the house, it becomes clear that you should fold your hand and aim for the next set. But this makes meeting amazing people emotionally difficult. As humans, the desire to fall in love is strong.As humans, belonging to somebody is an unparalleled feeling, especially when the connection is nurturing, encouraging and healthy.

Yet, this is just one way to skin that cat. This way is based on the odds or probability that the desired result will be achieved. Curiosity killed the cat but there is more than one way to kill it; remember that. Seriously, don't forget to consider other ways to "kill" that cat.

Never imagined I could be so hurt

This is going to be another bitter man hurt post rant, well kinda. You see, I have this winner mentality and I refuse to give up on a person as long as they are there and working with me toward progress. When I met her, everything slid into place for the first time in my life. She exonerated every insecurity I ever had in just a few conversations. She was the woman I wanted. I had made my mind up, then & there that I would not let her get away. I just had no idea how heavy the scars would feel from giving 99% of me as a show of faith.

She had trauma in her life. I've had a little in mine. I felt like being together would heal us. I wanted to make sure that she was completely alright to move forward, with me. I asked all of the right questions and jotted the responses on a notepad in my head. As time marched forward, we unintentionally hurt each other by either joking or trying to protect each other. It was like break up to only rediscover that initial spark of greatness that we shared. All of the annoyances along the way helped me to look at my behavior in a meaningful way and decide to mature instead of staying the same. 

I'll be honest, I'm from a wildly emotional family. Passionate about everything is each of us. We are lover; fighters; orators; we go for ours. My father is a bit different. He is relaxed, strategic and purposeful with his every effort. I have a very peculiar mixture of both. This makes me very reserved yet prone to moments of inspired social brilliance. Inside of my thoughts, these moments are one in the same. To everyone around me, it makes me appear to be randomly energetic. It is confusing. Mixed with extremes of hot & cold in a world where warm doesn't exist. People don't like handling me. And that's fine, there is no obligation. However, this woman, she appeared to exist in the same realm betwixt the cut & dry versions of black & white. As time moved on she became more white than black; more cut than dry and less gray in between.

She began to move from our connection. I'd try to remind her what she was losing but she didn't like the idea of communicating her inner fears as to help me help her. She did not like to bring me in. She just blurted things; hurtful things and expected that I would be able to handle the broadside of negativity flowing from her mouth ever so constantly. And that began to wear at me. I began planning for an escape. I knew I couldn't maintain our stagnation. I had to be honest with myself & her. I was and it hurt me a lot to do so. She made what seemed like a final push for us. I wrote so many blogs asking her if she could dedicate her energy and effort to bringing us together. Of course, she told me that I was the only one for her. I was her last hope. I would tell her that I shouldn't be. I would tell her that she shouldn't give up on love because we didn't work out. I would tell her to have hope and faith and to stay positive because that is who I am. Or, shall I say, who I was until I lost her.

We decided that we would finally, after two years in the dark, make our relationship "Facebook official". That lasted for about two months. I moved in with her for a week. She had an issue with her job and got all rattled. I thought it was a bit too easy for her to be fundamentally shaken over a little job scare; after all there were two of us. We could find a way. My parents are not struggling, finally. I had support. She began to bring up how exes had trust and inheritances that made her feel comfortable. She has a son, so I tried to be very understandable. She MUST provide comfort and safety for lil man. She asked me to leave. I complied. I thought, that she would come to her senses. Instead, she waited three days and sent me a text message referring to a common sad song about good byes. I'll never forget that level of anger. To be in such a low place because I keep giving effort because it was asked of me and to have that trust destroyed in the effort of 150 character text? I deserved to be handled better than that. I urged her to call me and she basically did the same open ended good byes she had been doing for the prior two and a half years. It hurt. I recovered by telling myself to hold out hope and see where she came up for air. It was nowhere near me.

Three weeks go by and I have a mutual friend with her. She has known him longer but I'm actually a friend to him. Well, she doesn't really excel at interpersonal communication. But she will lie and tell half truths to alleviate her sense of guilt & shame. She cages herself in a prison of conceptual pity and stays there roasting in the hell of her own design. I tried tirelessly to break her out; to inspire her to desire freedom. None of my attempts worked. I tried to literally take her to church when science wasn't working. Nothing I utilized served any purpose. Anyway, I've gotten off track. This friend of ours called me because I told him about our break up. When he called, he asked me if I had talked with her. I responded with "Of course not". He then says, "well, she's engaged". MY HEART STOPPED. ALL OF MY PAIN ENDED. MY SPIRIT DIED. I realized I wasn't giving her 99% of me but everything I had. And when I heard that, a mere three weeks after I moved out, I was completely demolished. I called her, to see why she didn't tell me herself. Cowardice. Pitiful explanations. She said God showed her the way. Ironic he speaks now. 

All my life, I poured myself just shy of the brim just so that I didn't end up spilling myself about for someone who wasn't truly worth it and here I end up splashed all over still. I tried to hold myself together. Thought I'd be alright because of how well I seemed to accept and understand what transpired. Then, two or three days later, I broke out into tears. Those tears became sobbing. I was falling apart. I was aching in a place I couldn't feel. I sincerely wished her happiness despite the pain she caused me. I know her pain is deep. I'd rather her be happy than sad. Not even a small doubt in my mind. Even still, I do not feel like I needed to be discarded and hurt so very callously. I admit, the engagement is what hurts the most. To be done publicly and so soon after we part. I felt like it was intentionally damaging. This same thing was done to her a few years back. I took that in mind and tried my best to let it go. 

In the following weeks, I did my best to cling to positive energy from other women. Guys just tend to annoy me. I'm pretty sure I have issues from growing up without my father. I've got to. I had to be strong on a level so close to evil that it is hard to come back completely unscathed. The other women helped a lot. There was a ton of consideration and love flowing my way. Eventually, it did not matter anymore. Eventually, they were all echoes of how "expensive" I'd made myself. How valuable I should see myself. But I wasn't one man's trash...I was simply trashed trash. And I began to slip in my effort to climb out of depression; out of being humiliated by the supposed love of my life. 

It was at that point that I said to myself "Fuck everybody, I'll climb out of this for me & I'll do it now". And in the process of doing that, I began to feel much better. I had studied what I was going through. I did more research and rehashed my notes. I gave a damn in the moment and I put in a serious effort to overcome my emotions because emotions can change. 

Fast forward another few days to today. I'm playing tetris battle on facebook and level'ing up fairly easily when I stop for a moment to check in on twitter. I get to twitter and somebody brings up an old song. That old song takes me to a newer song. That newer song reminds me of an even newer song. When I play that even newer song, the tears begin rolling down my cheeks and I'm slightly surprised. And before I know it, I'm sobbing again. At this point, it has been 4 weeks since I was last caught sobbing. I feel like a bitch for sobbing. I feel like less than a man. I feel like hiding in every dark corner I've ever not been able to see into. And in this moment, as it happened five minutes before I decided to write this blog post, I decided "No! I will not run and hide and keep my shame private. Fuck er'rybody." This my blog and ain't nobody need to read it. Judge my life. Feel how you feel. 

In a moment where I'm so hurt that it feels like the soul is being sucked out of my eyeballs into a pit of fire, I've decided that ain't nothing nobody can tell me about being me. All of my doubts and hesitations, fuck'em. I am who I am and I've worked damn hard to be me. Call it what you like. You don't have intercourse with my dick; don't feel full from my food; don't feel ill from my sickness and you don't hurt from my pain. Why would I then care for your judgment? 

So, today, I realized that hurt like this isn't about healing. Hurt like this isn't about looking backwards or being mature. Hurt likes this is purely from the indoctrinated morals of society. The hypocrisy of a person who pretends to subscribe to a much higher doctrine of thought. This is the depths of betrayal. And I am in complete awareness that my pain could be much worse. It just doesn't seem to matter in light of what I just experienced. 

If anybody asks me "who hurt you" I'll be able to stand up and look them square in the face and tell them the truth, "It was me. I hurt myself." And that is the direction I'll choose to go in from now on.

Religion to Squarls

What the hell do I know? I can only interpret and understand the world that I interact with. I was fairly low born. Neither of my parents had substantial means by any measure. I was raised from poverty and many of my characteristics come from that system of production. Rarely, does an understanding from other classes permeate into the patterns of another. Do you think rich people watch as many movies as poor people? If you want to know, research it. College isn't a poor people thing. Middle classed families raise middle classed kids. Rich families raise rich kids. Poor families raise poor kids. I'm from a poor family and my thinking should be pitiable at best. Even a genius raised in poor conditions doesn't climb too high. The world looks differently than it did 75 years ago but it is still a White man's world. Being Black opens your eyes to a litany of treatment that being White bypasses without a second thought. Even in the city, Whites cannot grasp the full extent of bias that Blacks(as well as other minorities) experience on a daily basis. From things like taxis and police officers to jobs and education. There is a long laundry list of crud that happens to target of minority descent specifically. And all of these things shape how we see the world. Now, this blog is about me. I don't really mind if you or anybody else reads it. I use it to organize my thoughts. I am kind of fed up with people believing that they have insights when they've done nothing to grasp beyond their already contented limitations. 

We already know that whites are ignorant of much of the disparity between skin color and how society treats different people. There was a point where they actually claimed racism didn't exist. Now, the common thread is that they aren't personally racist even if they do racist things. I don't have the time.I can't waste any more time explaining how stupid people are to them without being offensive. It's exhausting. It isn't worth having this amount of brain power. I'm beginning to feel like I wasted my brain learning things that humans don't like to learn. I need a new set of people to communicate with on a consistent basis. My current friends are beginning to think that I'm brainwashing myself; hypocritical and unnecessarily precise. I don't even dismiss these charges...there is no need to. They are baseless. I don't randomly believe things that have no proof. I don't base my beliefs on feelings. We are trained to feel. We are indoctrinated by experience. We are fed the emotions that we experience. And rarely do we break those moldings.

When my friends say these things, what they are really speaking to is their utter disbelief that I am condemning their way of life. They take it personal. They want me to be like them and if I listened, I would be just like them. They have a hard time distinguishing a woman from her finest parts. As if I cannot enjoy communication with a woman even if it stayed at communication. I don't get how I became friends with people who think like this. I don't understand how I've been friends with them for so long. I don't get it. 

Am I so different that...am I really just confused and lost in transmission? Do I not understand life? I've spent endless hours considering and weighing the importance of activity. I've been checking and researching and realizing. I relay my findings with a respectable source of intellect without perspective to the particular situation. I weigh those words of wisdom as well. And it all boils down to luck, belief, understanding and preparation. That is 99% of life in a nutshell.

As I try and share my wit with anybody else, they shut down, start calling me names and attacking my logic without so much as asking a serious question. They hear 10% of my ideas(on any particular subject) and offer a whole-hearted dismissal of my words. I feel like I'm telling them the world is round. I feel like I'm telling them that we revolve around the Sun. I feel like I'm telling them that God isn't selling plots of land in Heaven by way of indulgences. None of it makes any sense to me. Why keep hanging around people that have well wishes but bad juju? I would be better off alone. I know, that even geniuses don't make it alone. I know that being dead to right is pointless. Something about human stupidity reaches it's depths when it aims to prevent human ingenuity. How much should I compromise? No matter where I move, I'll end up with a different form of ignorance. That is the nature of the world. I don't feel like I ever fit in. I don't feel like I'll ever be decently understood. I don't feel like my life will have ever mattered to anyone but my family. But the rest of my life, I'll be lucky if I don't feel like I'm giving religion to squirrels. It is what it is. I am where I am. Forget people that want to make decisions with my life outside of my approval.

Echoes

Well, I can howl at the moon with the remainder of my life and never touch the moon light. I need to move.  And with that, I cannot stay. Thanks for the memories. But I'm out like a thief in the night. I'm out like a light.

And what followed was peace.

My Next Move

This...blogging experiment was introduced by a person who I felt betrayed me deeply. I have come to be conflicted. However, such is the nature they handle their business and if it doesn't improve, it will be the way of that persons world. I wish them the best. As for me, I need to plan my next move. My last few were predicated solely on my ability to chase that woman. In this instance, the age old adage of "Never chase women; chase money" was true. I had a good job making good money that I was good at. I had a legitimate business that was growing and I sacrificed that all just for the opportunity to get to know that woman. You may want to know why. It is because, over everything I know, nothing has been so valuable to my moments here on Earth as love has been. I made every sacrifice seamlessly and without remorse. I rehash all of this to say that it is time I grew. I do not have time to sit around pining over a lost love. That time I spent chasing her, I don't feel like it was free, cheap or easy. I feel like it cost me a great abundance of my desire. Luckily desire is something of inspiration. All I need is to find a new muse. Perhaps, I have. But before I think another thought, I need to take note of my social health as I am not 100%. I am, in fact, somewhat compromised. That ain't the issue because I heal exceptionally quick nowadays. The problem exists for whomever decides to be next. The problem is giving her more than I gave the last one. I do not care what I need to change; what I need to improve to become an incomparably better man than I was before. I have done this time and again. Each time I do this, I give a more refined version of myself. I make short work of my faults. I find new, greater understanding. I learn a deeper, wider and more comprehensive acceptance. I do away with more of my prejudices, biases and assumptions. I learn to read not only my desires better but I learn to read their desires better. I improve my ability to communicate. I dedicate my life to improving my health. I do all of these things because I want to use my understanding of my self to prepare myself for what the woman offers me. I'll know how good she is for me by how much weight I keep on my frame. I'll know how much she inspires me by how much poetry I write. I will know how much trouble she gives me by how much pain I use as ink. I am always aware, well, until I ain't. I'm human; sue me. I just want to put all of these thoughts out there so that I may know full well what my plans are because I definitely don't spend time thinking of scenarios to react in. I spend my time emptying my pain into the nothingness of consciousness. I spend my time being blank unless I'm engaged in an activity. All things considered, I have a regimen to initiate and my determination and dedication are supplied to full stock. It is time I get it in.

I am no different than any human and I need love. For now, the love of my many friends will suffice. But before long, I'll long for an intimate, sensuous connection to sustain me. Lie to me...as long as it feels real, I will be fine. Seriously, though, I will be fine as long as it feels real, I just don't respect anything but the truth.

Ooooh. I'm getting side tracked. Well, I am the type of person that sees the potential greatness in something but appreciates it for what it is at current. I'm weird like that. That I can take something as is with no promise for change because it has potential. I see myself as the architect. I build night and day. I avoid thought by immersing myself in my task. Currently, my task is to plan out my next move. And though my mind is jumbled, I will get through it.

I need to heal. I've done much of it but I'd be lying if I said I was without wound.
I need to build. I'm not epic enough and I will become more epic.
I need to forgive. Forgiveness is automatic with me for everyone except myself.
(Forgiveness isn't not talking about something anymore. It is just accepting that holding a grudge is pointless and letting go. In other words, forgiveness is not forgetting).
I told a few lies in my past relationships. I will not do that again. My mistakes are human. My mistakes make me vulnerable.
I need to be sure that the person I am betting my future on is worth that effort.(I'm not saying the people of my past weren't...I am simply just saying).
I need to get my income steady. I need to get back up and get back to being the lucky person I'm accustomed to being. I have a tremendous life energy. I have too much love to be contained by hate and discord.
I need to live to my potential. I'm rich beyond all means because more than anything and anyone, I have me. The power of that statement alone is the key to life. "Drop me anywhere on God's green Earth and I'll triple my worth." I am sincere. I am earnest. I am honest. I am that dude. I'm the one you want in your corner. I am a soldier of light and love. I am the epitome of the spoken word. I won't stop until she is in my arms and she loves me deeply. Whoever she is only time will reveal.  But before I'm ready for her, I need to make my next move. And that move is my first move. Get it right. Get it tight. Who's in the house? Say my name. You know the game, it's full of pain. Ain't nothing to explain and losing is profane. Can't no person cheer me up. Well, not some regulah, anyways. So, whoever I am with has to spark at least as much passion as to hear her voice and feel no pain. Let her voice be music to me "when you hear the music you feel no pain..." and then it will be written.

Hahaha...good thoughts, rambling and repeating. I guess I am well on my way. I bet you I can feel my next move. Will you take that bet?

Three Hairs Breadth

Doing fine. Eating somewhat regularly. Drinking water with greater consistency. Being honest with myself about my talents, abilities and potential. Planning for my divergence from a safe place in this cold world. At the same damn time, I must heal from my recent journey. It knocked the wind out of me.

I have a few home girls that reached out to me. One of them was purely annoying and she kept painting me like some common folk ignorant Black. I may not be of super elite genius ilk but I am far from a common person in regards to any dimension. I did not like communicating with her; she was unnecessarily cumbersome. The second home girl is hit or miss. She was much more fun to interact with but she has a tendency to be "above" being human. She reaches for this "I'm better than this disagreement" kind of personality and it seems fake for no reason. She keeps it real most of the time, well, until that comes out. And, when we chop it up, it is typically good times and fun. However, never knowing which version of her I'll encounter is a big turn off.

The third home girl, well, she's different; she's special. There is no reason for her to be special. She does not have some mystical knowledge of the world. She most likely isn't a top 3% genius. And of all the things I know about her, all I know is how I feel when I communicate with her: nowhere near as horrible. Actually, to put everything into positive terms, I feel like everything is going to be alright. 

The first two came in the nick of time, perfect timing to stop me from reaching the bottom of loss. The third came in with the clean-up effort. I needed them all and appreciated each moment of interaction, even as I was annoyed.

One day, I'll find somebody that truly cares about me and my friends won't have a job to do anymore. Until that day, I'll appreciate their friendships as much as I can. Love is love is love.

Orbs of Thought

The World outside is a swirling tumult of colliding temperatures, polarities and variations of strength & depth. From the tectonic plates, trade winds, currents of water, electric vibrations(...hmm, interesting idea). Either or, the reality inside your consciousness is much more placid and controllable.

We see it from the different corners of the Earth. The monks in China with the flowing chi and resistance to puncture from swords & knives; the Shaman in Africa and America that mysteriously heal and mature the weak, the mystical & magical anywhere else. People who transcend what we know to be a physiological limit to the common human body. But what I mean to highlight is nothing so rare.

Simply, everything that is visualized mentally is purposefully done. Whether the individual committing the act is conscious of their agency; the full utility of their intent or lack thereof. You can create your paradise or perdition based solely upon what you decide to focus on.

If the choice is to focus on personal lack, then the defeat will be planted and nurtured from within. If the choice is to focus on success, then delusion will fundamentally power the positivity which exudes from within. The choice is an easy one to make, however, many people will never even notice that, while the world is the storm; the consciousness is the eye of the storm and full of calm. The only price necessary is the will to acknowledge responsibility in self.

What percentage of Mankind achieves a comparable status with their awareness of self? I truly do not know but I can guarantee that it is far too few. And a big reason why is that the higher one achieves, the further the feel from humanity. The truth is it is further away from the only humanity they've known.  And that discordant flow of emotion can debilitate an awakening. Focus is important in that aspect.

As far as I am concerned, I write my progress. And my perspective evolves daily but much more rapidly while I'm in pain. I write much more while I am in pain. And I live through it. I encourage the same in all people who would benefit from such. Please & do.

Now, keep in mind, Love is the basis of everything and fear comes after that. Do not let fear ride for free.

Releasing the bird from my grasp

Entitled to the services that were paid for and a conclusion on the investment.

There will be people who believe that they do not owe anything to a person who invests in them.

Those people are wrong. Much may not be owed. Perchance a few words would suffice.

Although, the decisions may not allow compromise, to knowingly inflict conflict on a person that is sworn to be loved cannot be correct or true.

Though, it is claimed that "we" hurt the ones we love the most; there is no reason for such pain.

Timelessly, articles of frustration and pain filter through the light of day to impregnate thought with agony.

Suffer. Suffer alone. Torment the self over the weaknesses of self. Lose it all to the passing moment.

Can there be a message stronger than acceptance? Can there be a force more powerful than attitude?

Could there be anything more pointless than positivity at this moment?

There can be no growth if the current holds on for dear life.

There can be no moving forward if the will that necessitates the never ending leaps of faith dissipates.

Unbelievable amounts of pain dwell inside. Most of it foreign born & avoidable.

This sickness of absence and loss, abated by belief, returned in a torrent of spiritual tears.

Tears that never trailed the fleshy cheek. Tears that merely welled up inside, well contained precipitation.

Improving a signal of piercing pain. Embracing every inch of consciousness.

Shattering each planned kindred portrait before completion.

Deserting the fragments of hope and happily ever after.

Returning to emptiness...returning to a sacrificed state of being. Sadder and lonelier than original.

Nothing is eternal until it is eternal. Eternity has yet to pass.

This is why it is important to release the bird from a sturdy grasp.

Just writing to myself...about USA...about Politics...About Whites...rant heavy....

The comments I am seeing around the internet; hearing from people in business and on the street...it makes me feel want to become selfish. It makes me want to separate myself from the rest of humanity. I just want to watch as the strong eat the weak and the poor. I just want to watch as the stupid & ignorant run themselves into the ground on pointless morality that makes them sheep. I want to watc

h because I'm beginning to realize that no matter how much I try, I fail to make a difference. People think thoughts based on thinking and the thoughts of others but get nowhere fast and abandon that train of...thought. I just want to be an observer. I might be in the moment of an emotion but all I want to do is lift weights, eat food, travel and be human. I don't want to argue with lazy people who think poor people are lazy and not just oppressed. I'm poor. I'm lazy. I'm rich. I work hard. All of that is true. But one thing I'm not is ignorant. I don't roll around defining folk all willy nilly. I ask questions. Is it so hard to ask questions just to hear what people say? Everybody is so fouled up from what they think life is about. Buying big shiny things because they feel compelled to invest in immediate gratification. That worked out horribly for me. And I don't try to stop people before they jump into it. All I say is, are you sure you want to do that? I ain't nobody daddy. I ain't never had no kids. But it feels like I'm playing to somebody else drumset. I can only play to mine.

I love how, America is only now burning to the ground when we have a Mixed race President. But with W in office everything was all hunky dory. But when these same folks swearing Obama is this or that, voted Bush into office again, we ain't said nothing. BUT NOW THAT WE DEFEND OUR CHOICE TO SAY "NO MORE" do we get told to chill out and work together. NO. FREAK THAT. Get your mind off that malarkey.

 This narrow minded, ignorant Republican contingent of the nation needs to be put in their place. They think they are above us. They think we are some fraction because we aren't white men. We are all 1 human being. NO MORE. NO LESS. See it as race baiting. See it however you like but y'all need to stand your ground because too many people think that the way the country was being run was okay. They were complicit in accepting discrimination against their fellow countryman as long as it didn't harm them directly. I am an anti-discrimination person. I don't walk away from a person based on what color they are, how they smell, what they look life. I walk away from people based on the overwhelming closed minded ignorance. These people are our bosses, business owners and so on. And these laws prohibit businesses and protect the interest of the class that has already invested in business. This only makes the old adage truer that a "Black man has to work twice as hard as a White man." Plenty may not believe it because there are examples to go by where it this wasn't applicable or where somebody got to avoid it or had Whites to stand up for them. That's cool but this is a SYSTEM WIDE....NATION WIDE issue. It is unfathomable that we get to 2012 and people still cannot determine whether their actions are discrimination or pure chance. There is a lot of pure chance but that almost couldn't be more irrelevant when there is such a prevalent amount of discrimination that people feel comfortable cursing out the president and they aren't publicly reprimanded. The world will continue to turn and humans will be born and die but what I believe can be stopped is this unrelenting urge toward ignorance. I know it won't. Social science taught me that.

This was sent to me in response to my telling this White associate to get his friends under control

Jerome as I've stated a hundred times, I don't give a damn about the color of your skin, or mine. I don't hold anyone to be lesser than me, men or women, or any other color. There are people I think are lazy, whiney, self entitled pricks, and it doesn't matter whats between your legs or the pigment of your skin skin. 

I've been just as broke as anyone, living off of 50-100 bucks a week playing music, and doing what ever I could on the side to support myself. I STILL didn't take any government hand outs. No food stamps, welfare, unemployment, or anything. So as you went on a tangent about a short time ago towards me, I've been in the same spots as you, and I'm a white boy.

I work hard to help my family and those I love, I don't like the amount of taxes that I pay, or that guys like you throw money in my face because you believe I'm in it for the money, and not my family. I detest the way this country has been ran for the last 12 years. I wish PEOPLE were more independant. The self entitled "redistribute" the wealth garbage pisses me off to no end.

Looking forward.....forward to what? This idea that "progress" is running our country bankrupt, into the ground, taking away our unalienable rights, and turning us into a police state and a bunch of people dependant on government? All that leads towards us being subjects, not free men and women. That isn't progress, it's retrogression.

We are seeing nations start to collapse who have done the same thing we are doing right now, Greece is a prime example and its starting to happen all over europe.

We can debate, argue, all day over this Jerome. I don't hate you, I'm not even angry at you, I just refuse to get dooped into some race based arguement because quite frankly, I'm not the one that cares about such things. You are.

I work with people from all over this planet on a daily basis. Arabs, africans, asians, the list goes on. You can harbor what ever opinions you'd like about my views, and think I'm short sighted. Fact of the matter is that it has absolutely no bearing on me. Because ultimately regardless of my personal opinion about what the president is going to do and where he is going to put us, I actually hope I'm wrong. 

History is a guide, it's guide on how to do things right, and not what to do as well. It also has a tendency to repeat itself. Ever notice through out history how most great civilizations only remain great for around 200 years and how wealth historically moves west? I find it interesting that it's holding true even now. And the reasons that happens, in large parts, are still the same. Just because something is new, doesn't mean it's improved.

Cheers


My response was "Interesting"
But what do y'all think?

I'm Glad Mitt Romney Cried

What touched me more, about this Presidential election cycle than anything else, was how Mitt Romney made a business career on Leveraged buy-outs of much smaller companies and then selling them for a profit. Especially, given that these were American owned companies that he ruthlessly gutted and exploited. I cannot see that as patriotism. I cannot see that as anything other than corporate greed. His entire business career cannot be separated from his willingness to perform such a atrocious practice is borderline mendacious simply because the legality has very little to do with the morality.
I could not respect his morals. I could not respect the fact that he let the families of those removed from the workforce by his relentless practices cry, bleed and die while he sat by unaffected in any which way.

Given that, I am ecstatic to see this man had something he cared so strongly for; felt so close to achieving; tried so incredibly hard to maintain...I am overjoyed to see this man cry, he who brought about so much deeply heart felt and hard emotions to others. He was the impetus of destruction to so many who were helpless to his father's ability to provide resources to his son. A son who disrespects the very same system that was the reason for his father's success. Without it, things may have ended up verily different.

Anyhow, I do not want to drone any longer. This way, I am purely proud of Americans for making this candidate cry. He deserved every ounce of agony squeezed into those tears.

BREAK DOWN

Time set into the erosion of vitality. Told to look at the numbers and realize that the path to the casket is a shorter one than it may seem. Told to appreciate all times, not merely the good times; for the pain will make for grand memories.

Following the trail of divine spark...given enough time...everything breaks. Down.

And for that, cooperation is the key element to survival.

Another Political Argument

If you've read this blog once, then you've more than likely taken note of my liberal position regarding humanity and my conservative perspective on legality and freedoms. While there are things that are more universal as per the experiences of a citizen; the most essential is the ability to avoid a life of unavoidable enslavement. But even by that measure corporations(including Banks) have the ability to use the law as a weapon. They enforce unreasonable fees on individuals simply because the law is written in a way that allows them such utility(in addition to the ability to employ a full-time lawyer). Individuals barely stand a chance. But this topic is actually about an argument I had with an older gent about the role of government in society.

Back a few days, I happened across an irresponsible post on Facebook. To my surprise, I felt the urge to comment. After I commented, my comment was targeted by a Libertarian. This man argued about the families of yesteryear and how the community was much more responsible during those times. He responded to me with respect despite my childish digs at his perspectives. I undermined the dialog at every turn with snide remarks and cheap shots. No reason to justify my positioning. No explanation is sufficient. Throughout the entire exchange, he held his cool and communicated adeptly. I respect that man. I deeply reflected on what he said to me. I realized that our arguments were literally the same. The difference came with our expectations. The major differences were our fears.

At the end of every thought he proposed and suggested, there was a gentle yet persistently lingering scent of fear. Despite the sharpness of my delivery, I shared with him that I respected his maturity. My message was one that I chock full of understanding and acceptance. Well, his was too.

Basically, he felt that businesses needed their requirements met and felt like government had little to no role in businesses business. I do not disagree. However, the laws that govern people should not allow the impartial to be swayed by the apparent or abundance of resources. This is where corporations lose my protective thoughts(think prisons; yes, that is a business). These systems aren't set up for due process or to serve the many. It actually takes from the many and serves the few. People should get paid for work they do. People should not be taken advantage of because they don't already have the knowledge or resources to legally stand up and defend themselves.

Beyond the amount of bias and arrogance thrown at the people who struggle from month to month, there is that ever constant reminder that there is somebody, somewhere, that does nothing but sit in a room and plays on a computer while making an absurd amount of money. If many people can do that job, then the pay shouldn't be exclusive. This is why  I believe government is an integral part of life as we know it. Is the military part of government? Yes. Is the court a part of government? Yes. Is law enforcement a part of government? Yes. Somehow, though, the financial resources are what allows you to overcome the law that the individuals are being held to that allows the corporations(such as banks) to require and damage individuals. If corporations are to be held as individuals, then they should be treated equally and not above any other person. That is why President Barack Obama is in office. He is the man most suited for making that disparity between individuals and corporations a little less overwhelming. And that is why I argued.

Romney-hood

Check the arguments a person uses to counter an (Idea/Public-Person/Goal). If the primary source of argument is an insult(negative view with only opinion as support), then the person should be ignored until they can produce something to substantiate the opposition. It really is rather simple but too many people have no problem overlooking the obvious lack for selfish reasons; Appealing to their self interest. Mitt Romney is not viable. The same way that Ron Paul was not viable. The same way that John McCain was not viable. I was mad that W was in office; that he stole away with the election in 2000. Infuriated, I knew things wouldn't end well. They did not. It's a crying shame. But even if Mitt Romney got elected, I would still accept that he was President. I'm not going to run around and ask for his birth certificate, taxes or anything else because that is a waste of time. And as a country we NEED to move forward. But there were plenty of ignorant, bigoted cowards that, instead of saying what they truly felt, used far reaching speculation to somehow avoid fealty to the Office of the POTUS. It was too late. It didn't matter. And those who did such only showed what would lead to our demise. There should not be an equal measure of voting when some people know how it effects them and others do not. However, that system would be far to complicated to implement with the current citizens that spent three years in confusion about whether the elected official was viable for election. If you apply for it and get beyond that measure, then there is an infinitesimal possibility that the governing council would see anything to correct. But these idiots....smgdh. I may not have a job....may not be able to provide for my loved ones but I know the choice before me is the right choice. We have idiots that argue against the elected officials but have yet to realize the official only does(to a certain extent) what the people want. Y'all just don't realize how many people want what we all get. And that is the biggest misstep in that thinking. Obviously, the country that we live in is not nearly as coherent as we assume it is. Such a pitiable thing.

Laughing at Their Tears pt 1

All the political rhetoric being in full swing, the country seems to have forgotten what led to the U.S.of A. being on a downward path. I encounter an endless barrage of hateful & slanderous lies about President Barack Obama. Most speak to a level of presumption and speculation that is literally unreal.
Maybe, it is true that the college educated are somehow "dumber" than all the people that simply went to working. That logic simply doesn't add up. As I know it, more important than anything you learn in school is the foundation of interpreting information and desire to grow. Without a healthy set, no matter how far you go in school; how high you rise on the corporate ladder, there will always be a lacking in your logic. This is self-evident in every person I have ever seen. These things don't make you a good or a bad person. It does illustrate the simple fact that you are human; raised by humans; taught by humans; surrounded by humans. All of this fear of Socialism and it is merely the idea that we come together as all to provide common, basic services. The military, police, post office, IRS, FBI, etc...these examples and many more fit under the description of Socialism.
I'll leave this saying that maturity isn't something that happens without effort. You don't simply grow into being a better person. There must be the application of effort.
When I come across these statements that throw insults and slander at the President, I remember who I was when I was mad at President W. These same people weren't outraged before. These same whiny people who aren't afraid to be hypocrites. These same whiny people who claim everybody else is always so whiny. When I see it, I find so much delight. Not in their supposed suffering but in the folly that leads them to believe they are "Correct, Proper & True". However, I am also greatly saddened by the burden of their mental ineptitude. We can argue against the system but it isn't simply the system being Dem or Rep. That's silly as an argument. Our country cannot support a different system. My skin color is still an issue. C'mon.

What is this?

I ain't quite 30 yet but I claim it like I am. Seems like the milestone is something I have decided to focus on. I have not been the sex crazed male like most men you can hear being discussed in social settings often. I am a much more quiet & thoughtful type. However, when I am involved in a relationship, my sex drive becomes somewhat of an intimidating factor. I always desire that connection. I wake up thinking about it; I finish doing it and immediately urge to go back in despite my exhaustion and lack of physical cooperation. It becomes intense. There were a few girls I did get it on with outside of the "confines" of a relationship. I never had any motivational problems with those girls. My lil' soldier was always hard and ready to "march into enemy territory". But as of the last few years, shit has simply changed.

It isn't that I've been getting it in, I haven't. And it isn't that I haven't used it, I have. But my desire to be inside of women that I only care about in a human sense, has ultimately waned to less than zero. I cannot figure it out. Opportunities present themselves and I couldn't be more bored. Hot women, slutty, reserved, fine, curvy, big breasted, lean and muscular....none of it matters. The pussy ain't calling my name.

I ain't heart broken. I ain't lost. I'm not curious. I just couldn't care less about busting a random nut and moving on or even staying. Nothing and no one is exciting to me. I have been at this Disenchanted path for a while. Being as such, I have taken the opportunity to poke around. I researched fetishes. As I scroll through catalog after catalog of sexually deviant matters, nothing sparks my interest to a greater degree than 1/10th of what 'reglah ol misshunairy' does. And that's being generous.

I have no idea what problems I could have developed. As I look at the scenarios that play out in my life, I am a moderate-to-highly desirable male. But these women don't have my number and I could not care enough to give them my plaything for five minutes let alone to my pleasure. And I don't think I'm some Godly  being; I'm not sanctimonious or pretentious but I definitely want a woman that puts effort into who she is and does not come off like others are responsible for her pains. Yet, this search is abysmal(and I ain't searching).

Doesn't matter what they look like, these women open their mouth and my brain slides right on out my ear. I'm so frustrated that I don't even feel the frustration anymore. It's just this way. So, this is the conclusion that I've come to: My mind does not reflect my income and social placement. I certainly need to be more upwardly mobile. When people who have ten times the education are boring, there is certainly a problem somewhere. I shouldn't be capable of breaking down the depth of their thought after 10-20 words. Yet before they are halfway through a sentence, I realize I've heard it before. At that moment, silence becomes far more desirable.

Lemme go back. I love people. I deeply enjoy interacting with them and nothing is beneath me. I can hold a four hour conversation with a toddler or a doctor. I feel like I'm extremely easy going. However, more and more that seems to be untrue. I know that the first sign of trouble with interactions usually finds it's ignition in self.
" When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you" -African Proverb 
And beyond all of my fault finding, I find a person(me) that just cannot be satisfied with a pitiable effort. If you say "I wanna do this!" then by all means, do just that. Don't try. Do.
I have heard so many purposeless excuses. I have seen so many with the deepest and greatest that potential had to offer but instead, traded their efforts in for comfort and flawed humanity. I honestly, do not know how anything gets done. Humans are so efficacy-less. Myself included. I just think there is a problem when I think of my running naked through a city is more sexually exciting than some salivating pussy on my bed.

With all of that, I did not arrive at a solution. In fact, I stopped trying for one. I decided that, more than anything, I want to make money, get back to being buff...more muscular than I've ever been and iron out a solid diet to keep me as healthy as possible. I'm just done. Women will never live up to my standards and maybe they shouldn't. I am going to say "Of course if the right woman comes along and manages to inspire a smile on my face out of simple bonding, then of course, I'll take that blog post back but until then, Imma do what I do and make it do what it does...err...whatever."  but that does not change that right now, I am focused on me, more so than ever. Not mad at women. I still think a pussy is the greatest body part. There is just nothing in it for me UNLESS there is something in her *FOR ME* (and me alone).

I attempting to avoid pointing fingers but I'm fairly sure that such is an act I committed. I tried to not sound like I was in despair, yet I'm sure that is how I came off. Really, I just don't have the vive to throw at it like I had whenever an opportunity presented itself. I guess not being given the respect you feel you deserve can really have an adverse affect on how you view this social interaction thing...who knew?

For all the old, bitter black females I apparently misjudged, please find it in your heart to forgive me. Otherwise, forgive me for my youthful folly. If not...then fuck you all. I ain't givin' no shits for yo old bitter asses. Imma go laugh and shit...fuck you.

Enjoyment

Innumerably enjoyable people. Endless laughter; infinite affection.

First meeting and yet they feel like old acquaintances. Engaging & captivating; these people fit perfectly into the flow of time. Placid in the midst of chaos. Focused in the expanse of despair.

Sometimes, I only like certain minor aspects of the person while other times I will like most of what I encounter during interacting with them. Most nobody can tell the difference in my expressions of excitement and acceptance.

There are those rare people who awaken within me, a veritable Sun(of passion). My problem with this type of person is that I often get caught staring at the Sun too long.

Awesome people. Hard to describe. There are those who accomplish tons but that don't make 'em awesome. There are those who just make friends easily but that don't make them awesome. What makes a person awesome is all based on what the individual judging appreciates. I appreciate people that use honesty, character and intellect to move forward in life. They practice their skill and they do their bests.

I enjoy those people.

There are some that have become derelict and become liars(indirectly or directly); who have compromised their honor in a charade for necessity; out of a weakness or lack. I typically feel betrayed by these people. When I come to (from staring at the Sun too long), I find that the Sun has moved on without me. And it burns. There are few of my ilk. It is a very saddening thing to lose one. All the same, the enjoyment is key.

What do you enjoy? About people? What do you dislike about people you can no longer you can enjoy?

Tepid Confessions

I watched some show called "tough love New Orleans". On that show, they were giving slight recaps of the growth of each woman. They get to the Black woman. She was stuck in her past and sabotaging her future by not moving forward. Her ex popped up and they vibed pretty good. She asked him if they might have a future together and he was like "maybe". She took that news back to the shows host. The host got upset because he knew this was a set back and had seen it all before. He shoots inquiries to the ex and the ex responds frankly and with decisive focus. Unequivocally, no future for the Black woman with him. As she watched the footage of his clearly self-adjusted perspectives, she broke down. It was unfair to her. He is not a man and won't be any time soon.

I related to that woman. When somebody refuses to give you their all, it ain't because they are stuck somewhere and don't know how to leave. It is because they are secretly telling you that you just aren't what they want. You do not fit the bill. And we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves that things are great. We tell ourselves that there is endless amounts of hope and potential. The truth is, that is no land for one sided connections. That person does not want you. Take your thirsty ass on. Give up on the dream with them because it will never be, even if it does come true someday. Trust.

I'm stubborn. I'm a believer. I'm a dreamer. I'm a fool. And that is what it takes to truly love but the pain will never be worthwhile. The learning, opportunity & experience/scenario as aspects of the connection that should not be underestimated. Really, keep it moving when the person isn't feeding your needs. Simple truth is I've been in some shitty relationships but I thought they were great because my standards are so low. The worse part is that these women always tell me that my standards are too high. They claim that I don't accept them for who they are but they come with endless conditions like I gotta have a job, gotta be tall enough, gotta be handsome, gotta have good dick, gotta be all these things but they ain't gotta be who I'm seeking?

I have dealt with quite a bit of myopic hypocrisy. I have this many(___)sads behind it. Most people are the same/similar. Every one gotta be a critic. Everyone gotta be the top, most intelligent person. There is rarely any humility floating around. And from my experience, the first people to mention any description(esp. to the lacking effect) are typically the people with the lowest capacity for that trait. Such is a bitter irony of life. It jades and it burns. And instead of growing, people choose to never learn. Again, the sads.

I've been called a litany of insults simply because I did not agree with people. There is no such thing as talking to fools. Talking to fools morphs into arguing with fools, regardless of the qualities of your voice. The only route is silence. Avoidance. Snobbing. And guess what...that simple truth is a jading, emotional tumult. The bright side is that your frustration doesn't grow because of their ignorance. It is merely a consistent feed of indignation at the simplicity of these automatons.

Whether I cared about humanity before or what ever, I suppose that hasn't changed but I am jading...giving up....going through a cessation of fucks manufacturing. Demand had already out paced production. That means I am fresh out of fucks to give. Hedgehog's dilemma. Fuck a hog.

Complaints

At least one person in this world will have an immediate connection to the title. But I don't want you to think this song is about you(only some of it is).

Complaints are a sign of discomfort, dissatisfaction or displeasure. (IDC if those are damn near synonyms).

Speak up. Don't live in frustration and drag other people into a melancholy ambiance every time they are around you. I believe that communication overcomes trying to soldier through stuff silently. After all, you cannot bottle your internal dissonance and keep a smile on your face, especially when you don't see the situation as life and death.


 I have a few complaints. I might as well just list them despite not having a limit in mind.
COMPLAINT #1:
WOMEN.

 They just seem to want to dog me. They are either dumb or doing a damn good job playing dumb. Inconsiderate. No, it would not be a good look for you to stay with your ex and try to build a relationship with me; how could that make any sense to you? No, it is not a good idea to cry over some dude from your past because he is finally moving forward. No, it is not a good idea to limit your time with me because you have a hard time dealing with your task at hand without it getting in the way of our connection. No, you cannot expect that you will be respected if all I feel like is that you've been disrespecting me...what kind of bullshit is that?
Re: Women will ask you to do the dumbest shit for her to enjoy her time with another man; for you to be where you were before you met her minus an abundance of resources. Women just don't make any got damn sense and expect this shit to fly out the kindness of your heart/soul just because you may observe a religion. It is that kind of bullshit that will sap a muthafucka of all the heart and love and passion that he ever had. Because all you can do is try. It ain't fuck all women but definitely FUCK WOMEN IN GENERAL. 

COMPLAINT #2:
WHITE FOLK(Men in particular).

 How much fear can whites have in general to be afraid of EVERY GOT DAMN BLACK MAN? Let me guess, we are all criminal masterminds, elephant dick slangin, violent, unevolved and under intelligent beasts, right? An incredible amount of this social dogma surrounding Blacks in general are propogated by fearful, ignorant and isolated white folk. Don't know shit but swear they know everything because they heard that somebody read a few words outta an old book and decided that the person knew everything they talked about. I swear. White & Black wouldn't be an issue if there wasn't such a fucking difference in how Whites were constantly treating Blacks.

 Now, you may ask why I focused on that...well, at every milestone of the social interaction, whites controlled the conversation. They control the laws. Look at the crack compared to the cocaine, the marijuana compared to the XTC or any other slightly higher end drug. Whites merely assume the worse about you the darker your skin is. Watching BAIT about planted cars. They actually let the little mexicans go with a warning and even called the lil italian kid a GOOD Samaritan despite him joy riding the Escalade around the block. But the Black guy who hopped in and out was guilty because WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WOULD HAVE EVENTUALLY done with the car. This shit could barely be more blatant. But people don't see shit because it reinforces their stereotypical beliefs subtly & it doesn't effect them in any meaningful way. Division is a simple math and even simpler when you have access to the root of social interaction: LAW.


COMPLAINT #3:

Idealism.

 You know what...that should be enough on that topic. It is obvious that fact is stranger than fiction. I don't really need to detail how horribly inaccurate you would be if you stuck to textbook application of logic. I tell you what. Naw yo, b, I cannot even go any further...I'm hot yo...this illin ass system got my mad heated with they iggin asses. Grrr...(okay, I ain't really mad but the game is back on...so, I'm just gon' go back and watch it. Fuck a draft)

Grasping Insecurity

During this just passed week, there were two days in which I could have barely felt more insecure. I questioned & doubted every aspect of my life that I came to experience. That sucked. The sensation was unexpected and overwhelming. The days after that, I was brimming with confidence. Nothing could tear me down and even the doubts I experienced were no more unsettling than a gentle breeze. I question whether these are the beginnings of a psychosis or neurosis. I can comfortably question myself & sanity because there is nothing intimidating about sanity (or the lack thereof)to me. I began writing an overview of a fantasy novel. Not sure why, but I truly felt compelled. It was barely 400 words. I want to get to at least 10,000 words before I begin sharing too much about the ideas. For all I know, there is already a movie in the works. But I'm going to continue with my ideas until I can no longer swear to being the composer/originator/creator. A great deal of my thoughts of lack were focused on my skill. In every sense, I felt inadequate. I felt worthless. Coming up from the Nadir to hit a Zenith and slowly but surely level off doesn't seem very normal. I have needed to regulate my emotions for quite some time. Dating back to childhood, I didn't have much in the way of coddling. I wish I had. I wished for more hugs and asked for them. I rarely received them. Now, women call me clingy. I'll be that. I need what I need. And I do not need some woman who cannot accept that part of me. Insecurity and all aside, I cannot imagine being any other way than I am. I wouldn't like that person as much as I like this one. And I realize that I've been rambling. Well, looks like today was a day to vent. Meh well.

If I were to study the graphs of my emotional state, I wonder what the readout would illustrate. Would it be of a predominantly happy person, prone to paroxysms? Or, would it be of a morose, ponder prone & pensive panderer? At the moment, only God knows. And that's if you believe in him.

Law of Man

I will never understand the "law of man". It nearly voids the humanity of any person who errs against. A self righteous application despite moral deficits make it a very subjective "thing". Moreover, I view the "Law of Man" as such: the flock is bred and born into a system with which they are herded constantly. The "grayer" sheep stray while the "black" sheep are ostracized. The "white" sheep are the flow & follow of the flock. Often, the "grayer" sheep are mistaken for the "black" sheep and treated as such. Thereby invalidating their humanity. It ain't hard to tell or is it? The breakdown: The white sheep are the mindless drones of narrow-minded, often religious fanatic, ne'er do great but perennial do well types; the grayer sheep are those who either learned to think for themselves or simply became rebels without a cause because of the apparent flaws in the white sheep & the black sheep are those among us who are socially broken, derelict and despicable. I have a brother that is incarcerated. He will have no life if he manages to survive until his release date and the worst part of all is that he wasn't but a bystander to a third rate crime against a compromised party, who had all the motive for subterfuge that one would need. Nobody was murdered, scarred or diminished to crime and yet his life is virtually forfeit. If we had money, his life would have been lived without the weight of iron prison bars. His pain is my pain. I grew up without a father and the closest thing I had lay with him as he sleep. But he was gone by my twelfth birthday. The system is flawed and designed to target those with a permanent color to their skin. Why? I truly do not know. I have several thoughts on the matter. Blacks are more likely to push the limits. As bad as this sounds, I feel as if there remains a residual tone of resentment from slavery and the restrictions of the Jim Crow laws. There seems to be a flow of ingenuity coursing through the belly of the Black diaspora. When we have greater percentages both locked up for illegal inventiveness and praised for scientific dedication. Given that the greater percentage of the U.S. is White, the vast majority of inventions should hail from that demographic but clearly, necessity is the mother of invention, not Susie Q. Excuse me, I am not race baiting so much as I am clarifying that the focus of the law is wrong and that what it seems to be directed at is an underlying fear of inferiority at Black minds and potential instead of criminals and crime. I am biased. There is not a single doubt in that. My life has been thrown into a non-essential struggle based merely on the happening of a genetically predetermined chromatic institution called: black mother, black child. All I can do is laugh because even when I lose, all I do is win.

Pay my dues

I paid my dues. Got nowhere from whence I came. Basically, I am where I started. Older. Hopeless. Feeling helpless. If I learned from my lessons and still exist directionless, then what could I possibly have learned? Imbalanced people keep tugging hard on one side and pull me off balance. I cannot, will not & refuse to help anyone else. Going for mine. Going for broke. Sick to my stomach.

Few Words to Share

I have been fairly quiet in this, the Western Calendar year 2012. Why? Because I have come to not need to express myself. I do not really know. I am deeply emotional. Still. Constantly reassessing my actions and my thoughts. I want to illicit the kind of response from people that reflect my passionately earned worth. Yet, it mostly seems fruitless. I am very poor. I am not poor at all. <---Both statements are true. I am very lonely. I am deeply in love with a woman and we grow closer every day. <--Again, both statements are true. I am a happy and self-sufficient individual. I cannot live without others, it makes me miserable. <--- I am sure you get the point by now. On this sojourn of life & living, I have sought the sage of stoicism and been learned in these detached skills. The reproach is that I lose the essence of humanity that others can intuit & interpret. I appear crazy before their eyes. This creates a balancing act of how to avoid apathy but not fully succumb to empathy. Such a frustrating fulcrum of interaction. I need the work to be precise. Anyhow, the few people oblivious and blind enough to be content to avoid working on improving themselves(especially expressed as a sentiment of futility) are both lucky & pitiable. Again, I do not have much to contribute today but soon I will. The tides of energy are changing. I am slowly being pulled back to my printed tears. The memoirs of an emotionally incoherent blabber-make. Wish me well and I will do so much for you in return. Ciao besos

I was upset until...

I was mad. I was upset. I was angry.

I felt disrespected. I felt unappreciated. I felt so many different ways and it overwhelmed me. I was crumbling under the pressure. I had no where to turn. I had already used all of my resources to make it this far. I'm a silly guy. This way I feel in my chest betrays the reality of the situation: I did everything I could and didn't lose out.

I refused to squander any situation or any amount of time. I was a self-sustained cold fusion machine of passion, desire, presence & drive. And I was fed upon as suckers usually are. It embittered me boldly as such pains typically do. Instead of falling to the urge; I rose to one knee and decided to see it through. This is where I decided to discard the bitterness of being made to feel as a lesser individual had left me with. This is the most important step. Acceptance & understanding. Not some false apathetic boisterous facade of machismo and remnants of a broken heart . I'm stronger than any person could break. I'm always going to search to overcome.

I took a moment of pause and surveyed my long held nemesis. When I had acquired whatever I deemed necessary to feel contented with my inquiry, I sat back and exhaled. "Oh, yeah." I let loose with the next fall of my chest. I gave them value, validity and worth. My intentions weren't good enough for these people but their intentions were supposed to be enough for me. I find the hypocrisy incredibly humorous. I find the fact that they could not observe the hypocrisy even more humiliating for themselves and hilarious to me. And I thought, "Why am I so upset that these people are stupid?".

I'm smart because I pay attention. I'm intelligent because I paid my tuition and made sure to get something out of it. I'm aware because I removed my head from my ass in order to interact with the World as it is; instead of attempting to change the World to fit my tiny little brain. Perhaps, the best way to cover the topic at hand is to put it within the constraints of capacity. I'm deeper, wider and faster flowing than most anyone I've ever seen. And this is considering that I haven't seen barely anybody at their best. (You may be thinking something along the lines....who am I kidding? Your mind is probably blank or thinking about the benign at the moment).

So, this boils down to being about how I learn just how valuable I am day in and day out. How rare it is to be a man who can see the World the way I do. I once thought I was merely "different", but I have come to learn that I am simply "epic". I am a singularity. I am a brilliant spectacle to be held in a captivating marvel. You & anyone you came with are fair to disagree, that is fine and dandy. I, however, have been proven as a different type of being.

Matter of fact, I'm not simply being. I'm not simply doing or existing. I couldn't even agree that I'm living either. I. AM. LIFE.
As I type that, the unease in my chest is dwindling rapidly. As I type, my chagrin and feelings of disparity are resolving themselves. I have time. If I don't have time; I still have time. Why? Because I have now. Now is all that ever mattered anyway. I was upset until that point.

Bickering with a Wall or the Wind

I'm still fairly young & arrogant. Part of my issues with progress are deeply rooted in interactions with others. This is closely related to the constant miscommunication, inaccuracies & short sighted beliefs of others.
I am by no means asserting that, I am the all knowing or infallible but others act without the minimal humility required to interact with humanity. Thus, annoying the living tarnations out of me.
In the effort of becoming the best "me", I seek to veer away and beyond the emotional limitations that I've become accustomed with. More than simply not arguing; more than simply avoiding social conflicts & more than quieting the qualms whirling about my consciousness. This is about charisma, or the lack thereof. This is about swagger, or the lack thereof. This is deeper than self improvement...

But first, I need to get through this unflappable sense of integrity, right & wrong, intelligence & ultimately- worth. I do not feel the urge to fight until I feel violated. Once that violation occurs, I sense a strong need to stand up for myself. Once that happens, it is the warrior form that engages with brutal edges.
I remember the indignation I experienced vicariously while reading disparaging remarks from one to another, while perusing a blog site. I'd do so as the soft hearted defender of the weak & unwilling. I engaged the perpetrator to great purport & infamy. While, I found merit in my task, I've come to understand just how worthless my endeavor was.
Being grown or mature is certainly not simple or easy to explain. Look into the career works of activists & social workers; there are moments where an argument is the only manner in which others will respond. Unfortunate but true. Sometimes, people wish to engage in arguments like some gladiator sort; merely for a chance to make you look lesser.

I'll only say that uncivilized minds choose rules of engagement that are based on feelings & words, rather than facts & willingness to humbly communicate honestly. Poor beta minded males can't catch a break. Trying so hard to be something that they never earned the right to be. Dress as the wolves all you like but regardless of your costumes fidelity to the real thing, you will only ever be a facsimile; a mere imitation; a pretender to the throne.

I worked hard to become something worth others investing emotion. I may only be a beta myself but I became a loner/outcast in order to toughen up my view a dependency. Betas that don't work towards it, cannot over come their weak designation in life, with women. These are my primary antagonist. I no longer understand or relate to their limitations. They cannot even comprehend my views. They are talking emotionally, like little kids on the playground. My goal, is to use them as a stepping stone. I will reach a much higher understanding of maturity & growth on the backs of these hapless beta males. Wish me luck!

Sage's Ten Rules of Engagement

1. This is a moment. Don't ever allow the moment to be greater than your life.

2. Focus on your goal so intensely that nothing that happens can detour you from completing your goal.

3. Maintenance is among the most important character traits about your individual.{ASIDE to Maintenance is Mental, Physical, Emotional & Spiritual(including clothing and specialists visits)}.

4. Think beyond your current obstacles. If you are driving, drive ten seconds ahead. If you are fighting thinking through the counters.

5. Never break form. Poise is of huge importance. Propriety is a necessity. Keep it simple. Keep it cogent.

6. Have contingency plans. People will work to diminish you both unconsciously & inadvertently. Don't take it personal. It ain't.

7. Do not make excuses. You can learn from everything; that is your silver lining. Find it by any means necessary.

8. Have a limit. Create a point(based on reliable information) that you refuse to forge beyond. Sunk Cost Fallacy.

9. Any person who gives you time or energy, is showing you love. See it as love. Do not become confused by the exterior form.

10. Don't get caught. Before you spring your most critical strikes, whether in secret or in the open, avoid conspicuous positioning.


Everybody is bound to have variances in their personal Rules of Engagement. These are mine. Tailored to my sensibilities, etiquette & dispositions. If you disagree, keep it to yourself. I am without equal & my word will not be compromised by your flawed opinions.

One way day

I had so much despair in my life. Very few things seemed to be going in the right direction. I started losing my patience; decided to not talk to people; got to the point I was going to start cutting people down with honesty. I was wilting under the pressure of my lack. The best support I got was more of a hindrance than it was a help. Frustrated, forgetting my resiliency & jading against the shine of sunlight, I was growing proud of the sharp and evil waiting to get out....and I was fighting every which way...I literally closed everyone out. Then I randomly hit up an old homie...was almost selfish about it but I had enough compunction to ask how he was and the talk lifted me a little. Then I went to see my favorite person and they set me back a little...I almost wrote that person off...but I wasn't completely cold hearted and I allowed that person to talk to me. And got a little more better. I'm not sure of a lot right now but I know I got things I want to do and I ain't doing these things. It makes me angry at myself. I am really hard on myself. So, I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide from myself but truth be told I probably wouldn't be able to be alone with my voice when I'm beating myself up. So, I decide to vedge out and watch a movie. Just so happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time( I hadn't seen it at this point but it was just that well made). The movie was "Crazy, Stupid, Love". The entire movie is awesome. Matter of fact, I laughed so much in the first 30 minutes that I felt great enough to go to the gym. That's right, it amped my motivation so far that I couldn't enjoy that movie any more than I already did. I return from the work out feeling good, feeling great. I watch the remainder of the movie and at no point was I disappointed. I cannot remember the despair that rested in my chest but I do remember all of the hope pumpin through my veins right now.
I ain't zoned out and relying only on my imagination to push positivity through these fingertips. At this point, I'm so excited that I'm ready....just ready. I feel fairly reminiscent of who I know myself to be. This wordy exchange between me and my keyboard is indicative of such. I know that nobody can reach in your heart and help you to feel better because you aren't stupid and you are nobody's fool. In the same breath, you know you best. It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow but don't give in and always try. Treat yourself with enough respect to put forth the best foot you can. Whether we call it luck, faith, perseverance or persistence, the good will come. ALWAYS REMEMBER that if things are bad, it won't last forever AND if things are good, times unfortunately will change and cannot stay good forever. Take it in stride. Sometimes, the most important part of the day is that moment between two breaths. Let's get it in. Make the good happen. Whatever your means, whatever your method, do your best!!!
(Forgive my horrible everything on this attempt...the idea is to get better. I wrote this on facebook...I was amped, what can I say?)