Thursday, March 31, 2011

Contentment

I kind of hate myself. Because I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I kind of hate myself because I look around and see people I look down upon and they have the simple lives I desire.



I wish that I could forget everything and just be another drop of rain in the storm of life. I hate that I cannot feel less than the bright sky illuminated by the Sun yet hidden by the darkness of turmoil; consumed in the process of opposing forces clashing on an epic scale within me(as I am the morosely elucidated sky). I hate that it is so much easier to pity myself to death with insignificant trivia than it is to exalt myself into the Heavens of consciousness.  The World loves me, despite how it curses me when the rain drains the warmth from the air or how my translation of sunshine scars and torments a secular sense of comfort or how when I darken with unpleasing forebodingness, none stand and rejoice that I still fight the good fight but that it is displeased with my unpleasantries.

When I become infected with a virus, darkness absorbs the light, cold greedily laps up the heat, discord reigns within my system never to have a true victor. Perpetuated by the symptoms of dynamic determination, inimitable presence and clear deference to direction, there is only two choices and the conflict is automatic.

I am flawed as you are, World. I am but a small part of you yet I feel cast off as fecal matter. Disregard for the pains of my torment, the simple fact that I am a mere reflection of your productivity. I would yield no such descriptions if it was not for your generosity; I would have lesser an importance if it were not for your creativity and perseverance.  I am not ungrateful for your love or charity.  But as your plants need Sun, water and Earth, I need more than chagrin and disdain. Place in my great being your hopes and aspirations so that my emotional nature isn't merely acknowledged when I am at my worst. Give me the fullest extent of your affinities and affections when time does not permit, when it is the hardest and there is no reason to love me at all. Please, World, Love me through my weakness so that I may grow strong yet again and rise to be the lion that you desire me to be. Bring me to be your King over and again. Respect my Heavens, admire my many halos. Peer into the limitless depths of my darknesses to know that I will ALWAYS bring you the light. That is my job. To protect and serve for you are my World and I, your Sky. Breathe me in; respire me. I can never not love you.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

INSIDE JOKES

Aren't we all? I mean, aren't we all inside jokes that we secretly only want those whom are special to us to understand. A sense of urgent privacy and perimeter.

I have loved relentlessly, openly and heavily. I have overwhelmed and unintentionally diminished my loves because of the amount that I care about them and whether it was understood or not, appreciated or not. I always set loose my entire heart upon my desires so that they would know just how much I cared. Oddly enough, they get the opposite impression. Somewhat confusing but I understand that things cannot just be run at full throttle and expect to be maintained without some form of damage. Even race cars are rebuilt after every race. Torn down and built up to be well maintained and well performing. My mentality seems to be the only that I've noticed can handle anything resembling such a process. I believe this to be one of my many "flaws" because it removes me from the mainstream. Most people simply avoid issues, fabricate their understandings and incompatibilities.
Here I am, doing my best to stand up and stand out due the nature of my virtue and not simply by my virtue alone. I respect my perspective but now I feel that I've gone astray simply based on the idea of self worth because I don't feel worthy.
By this, I look to my peers and I don't see any of them that actually feel worthy. Doubt written all over their faces, lost in despair but holding on to a mere strand of faithfulness with all of their hearts fight, will and desire. It is disgusting to me because I have more strands but less of despair and that means I don't try to hold on as hard. Which is all good and well but when I find myself losing grip on my dreams I fall with a different velocity. This is my arrogance. This is me working with a feverish pace in the opposite direction of society and greed and selfishness.

To this point, I have begun to see my actions as infantile yet strong; deeply introspective yet shallow and insecure. Mentally, breaking at the yield of a growing despair of loneliness. Though, with all despair there is a hope. Unfortunately, my hope is the only reason I've ever despaired. Lately, I've never had more hope as to not being alone and lonely. I met the most miraculous woman ever and she tore my world up in as many ways as she planted seeds to nurture its growth. But in order to induce growth into the grounds, you must first rend it upon itself. Frustration from fatigue.

Looking back, there never was a valid reason to question her. She let me know how she felt up front and did not lie to me about anything yet I came to doubt her. As I shared this she didn't seem to catch the doubt but clearly took it personally. As I come to realize that she would walk away from me I needed a shoulder to console me in my pain. She was the perfection I was always looking for. Ever since I was a youngster, it was her mentality, her outlook, her personality and appeal...she is perfection. Though, my doubt has done more to tear my love from my grasp than any man could ever do.  This brings me back to the thought that somehow I had avoided the mainstream strand theory(see that?).  Which clearly, whether I had or hadn't the feeling that I lost the one thing my entire existence was searching for brought me to such an extreme. My passionate heart reacted violently. I wanted vengeance for bringing me upon the precipice of my death. The only thing that yanked me from the illogical depths of jumping upward into the sky for the end of a self-imposed misery was what sent me there in the first place; love. Though, this is a much different and debilitating love. A selfish love that would hope to prevent the ones I love any avoidable pain. My will to live is written on their hearts.

I struggled with whether to antagonize or admonish the focal point of all of my attentions. Despite repeatedly illustrating her infinite of affinity for my individual, I somehow relate that the only way for her to truly show that she cares for me is by spending the bulk of her fleeting moments of freedom/free time conversing with me about nothing. Yes, insecure. Shouldn't I be? Sure, I'm smarter than that, better trained than that and I could diagnose it in seconds upon meeting someone else. What can I say? The ego protects itself.
I truly don't just find myself convinced by her salesmanship for her brand, I don't just feel alienated because I don't see her ever or get to spend any time with her at all, I don't simply get frustrated because the bulk of our conversations go places I wish they would never go but it all seems uncontrollable and I do what I can but sometimes she is incorrigibly determined(yes, I mean it).

Though, she doesn't know that I love everything I complain to her about, what extent of better person is she not looking to reach? Which is my only goal, to help her in every way possible to become who she wants to be. Though, I think I'm realizing that she really only wants to be cast in the role she has always played. It makes her who she is. I get it. I'm just obsessed with growth that matters to the individual and not society.
 The only thing notable to say about our friendship is that she and I have the very same communication issues that every other relationship I've ever heard of has had; women say what they think they mean and men believe in them 100%. Men say what they mean but women take it to some unreasonably connected yet surprisingly intelligent parallel. Though, I would like to note that the worst our arguments have ever been are a few acerbic words she has thrown my way, I do not throw acerbic words out there but I am absolutely sure that she has been horribly offended by the way I've said something, or by something I've said(and sees it how I see what she says...acerbically). I wouldn't know even if she told me.

I still hang on her every word, love her to the limits of my soul and think about her to the point that I forget my name, age and what language I speak. I lose all urge for sexual gratification if I could just hear her voice and all these things may never be expressed and she may never know but along the long length of time and perspective, my deeply poetic attraction and commitment to her is ultimately just another in a series of INSIDE JOKES.

And whether it matters to her or not, that exes should never be drugded forth as proof of a positive or negative and that doing so is akin to force feeding a healthy, independent adult a sustenance rather undesired. Forgiveness however is all I can hope to help(both ways). I'm hopelessly lost in her potential; in who she is now and all that I've taught myself in dealing with her as compared to any other human being I've dealt with. And she isn't even doing anything :-).

Anyways, I would ask that you take a harsh look at yourself and dig out your wrongs and see what you've learned from them, from the fights and disagreements that you've had and from the times you were clearly justified in feeling the way you did. See if you too are chock full of cruel inside jokes.

its all love
infinite affinities to all (even my enemies but you are still my enemies :-)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Stability or the Illusion

Humans as an organism, having chaos introduced into their daily lives at random, unceremoniously triples the amount of stress they must endure. This stress -although private- often trickles into social venues in the most unfathomable and inappropriate ways.

Violence or other various public displays of affection(denote the use of sarcasm) can readily and frequently be seen in action in many public places and range from conflicts amongst strangers to disagreements betwixt friends and lovers alike. 

The root or even seed of this is the ideal of integrity, impression and respect.  Inside thoughts and outside actions are completely different and judged on differing scales of acknowledgement. However, the idea is fallacious all the same. Knowing or not knowing, offended or not offended and affected or not affected ultimately lead you to one conclusion: Will you allow the outside World influence your every thought and decision OR will you assert your plan for World domination based on something a bit more out of touch with reality?  And Yes, those are the only two choices. ;-)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Found Wanting

Quality. A hidden notion expressed subtlety throughout a  continuum of communication. Often nuanced into sarcasm via lack rather than a healthy focus of growth based on the positive interactions.

What else could you expect but negativity when most of what you say is bathed in doubt & disdain.  Rather than a supposedly innocuous practice of emotionally ventilating frustration, try taking the appropriate actions to limit your need for frustration.

"Those who issue complaint illustrate their inability as opposed to unfairness."

Why spend time talking about the things in life that you feel that you cannot accomplish?  How about you focus on the things that you can accomplish and research all inquiries on ability rather than make snap judgments on possibility?

The idea at work here is that in life, there has been a situation that has appeared to be "impossible", only to be accomplished, conquered and "out-classed" by another more impossible feat.

Sure, cavemen did not dream of heavy metal planes "floating" tens of thousands of feet in the air. After all, that is the point. You limit yourself more than you know. This is not to say throw away conventional thinking because you need it for interacting with this current format of the World. However, stagnation is a sign of death. Never stop growing.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Trail of Dark clouds

Leave your troubles at home.
Who can actually do this?
What I see people doing is augmenting one inapplicable emotion into one that is economically acceptable in society.
Anger.
Notoriously linked to being frustrated and sad. Being neutered of the ability to express this emotional baggage. Eventually, increasing the difficulty required to overcome these very frequent obstacles.
We talk to those that have patience for us. Until their patience runs low or out.
Its always the same story.
Even when the story is different.
And so society devises that this emotional onslaught is a never ending paradigm that should rather than be dealt with properly, should be left at home.
Now we all use emotional transference to throw our emotional content at people with guilt rather than expressing, confronting and overcoming what ails us individually.
The ballast of our communities are already doing a great amount to balance out all of the discord and we ask them to do more because those of us that have no idea what is going on wreak havoc due or ignorance. What arrogance.
What to do? Become a better individual so as to not leave a trail of dark clouds that people refuse to tell us about.

Of course that is easy for me to say; what isn't easy to say? "Leggo, leh deu it"

Friday, March 11, 2011

Never know what you had

I first acknowledged this saying when I was in my teenage years. That was a very unfortunate coincidence for me as it definitely shaped my formative years; leaving me grasping for everything and anything I felt connected to. The trend continues in the present day and is far more tragic now.

There are however, multiple veins of thought that lead down the avenue of despair and abandonment. Quotes from famous dead guys that, when taken out of context and applied to a social setting seem misfit for the course. A dereliction of will as it would seem.

From academic goals to employment or even the pursuit of companionship, I have verily failed in every attempt. Lost little in the way of hope and gained much in the way of pain. Emotionally stunted by the precedings and contaminated by the hateful cycles, all I ever wanted was love.  Some how, love seems to evade my every grasp as I relentlessly bang my heart against the cascading shards of time despite the lack I experience being comparative to the air I breathe.

This is the drawback of wisdom in knowing. This is the foolish nature of one who questions his creators will. This is the work of insecurity and fear.
You will never know that I truly meant you love. You will never know that I truly meant you well. Maybe it is for the best that the sights unseen by eyes but mine, never come true. Belief of course is the fuel to my fire.
It is a sign of faith.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

All that Power

To control the confusion between to points is an unfair advantage. Given that there is an immense amount of ambiguity in communication, it would seem logical not to jump to conclusions until the statement were a clear one. Yet, this World is full of hypocrites who, on a half belly of information would much quicker assume the conclusion of your sentences than allow you to finish talking.

I'm really about to let people burn the bridges between themselves and me. I'm tired of protecting people from their ignorances. You don't know this, but I'm a lot like my mother and she won't hesitate in telling you about yourself. With your ignorance, why should I be anymore patient?

What makes you worthy of my mercy? Yeah, I feel that strong; that great. I feel like I have the strength of a king. No one man should have all this power.