During this just passed week, there were two days in which I could have barely felt more insecure. I questioned & doubted every aspect of my life that I came to experience. That sucked. The sensation was unexpected and overwhelming. The days after that, I was brimming with confidence. Nothing could tear me down and even the doubts I experienced were no more unsettling than a gentle breeze. I question whether these are the beginnings of a psychosis or neurosis. I can comfortably question myself & sanity because there is nothing intimidating about sanity (or the lack thereof)to me.
I began writing an overview of a fantasy novel. Not sure why, but I truly felt compelled. It was barely 400 words. I want to get to at least 10,000 words before I begin sharing too much about the ideas. For all I know, there is already a movie in the works. But I'm going to continue with my ideas until I can no longer swear to being the composer/originator/creator.
A great deal of my thoughts of lack were focused on my skill. In every sense, I felt inadequate. I felt worthless. Coming up from the Nadir to hit a Zenith and slowly but surely level off doesn't seem very normal. I have needed to regulate my emotions for quite some time. Dating back to childhood, I didn't have much in the way of coddling. I wish I had. I wished for more hugs and asked for them. I rarely received them. Now, women call me clingy. I'll be that. I need what I need. And I do not need some woman who cannot accept that part of me. Insecurity and all aside, I cannot imagine being any other way than I am. I wouldn't like that person as much as I like this one. And I realize that I've been rambling. Well, looks like today was a day to vent. Meh well.
If I were to study the graphs of my emotional state, I wonder what the readout would illustrate. Would it be of a predominantly happy person, prone to paroxysms? Or, would it be of a morose, ponder prone & pensive panderer? At the moment, only God knows. And that's if you believe in him.
