Me and the Holidays

It has become increasingly clear that the holidays are not my favorite time of year. It may result from my lack of fortitude in dealing with the society I am surrounded by but I do not know for sure.

As a child, it was a happy time of year for me. My childhood was as inconsistently marred by a need for maturity as it was bolstered by moments of innocent joy. No complaints...not anymore. My mother made sacrifice after sacrifice and there was just no way for me to be grateful enough. Even still, I sicken myself with reflection; changing, growing & improving. Somehow, I have failed to progress even a scintilla, in regards to the holiday season. Some may even argue that I have regressed.

I am a exceedingly thoughtful person. I am not capable of showing displays of purposeless affection, at least, not as I understand it. Meat & potatoes, all day, over here. If you need something, you let me know and I do what I can to help improve that situation. You want a Christmas gift? I'll end up buying the most expensive and pointless thing I can afford. I have been no good at displaying thoughtfulness in that regard. Well, there are the rare occasions but those are by far outweighed by the usual.

In all of this, I have been doing so very poorly these last few years. Mentally, I'm alright. Financially, I haven't been making anything happen and I've been seriously trying to understand how anybody could make anything happen with things being the way they are. What world am I seeing that everyone else finds a way in, while I fail to find anyway that works? What is my biggest obstacle to making progress towards being a reliable and contributing member of my family and the greater society? Who knows?

Let's take a step back. A decade ago, I stepped into a new world of sorts. Dating. Much of my life has been about my interest in women, yet I abstained for the simple concept of discipline(plus, I was a bit more religious back then). Immediately, I learned that people do what they want and fuck you, because well, fuck you. Back when I was younger and unaware of how negativity can leash your heart to emotions based on the time of year, I allowed my resentment to fester in a small wounds and make it much worse. Year after year, I incurred a new wound yet I kept my hopes up. Perhaps, that is what makes me the most "not sane" as I kept trying the consistent, tried and true formula of success, in regards to dating during the holidays: Family first.

Year after year, my emotion climbs high and plummets low. I'm tossed about in an emotionally chaotic fervor of disregard. Yet, I refuse to allow those moments to mark my turning points. I weighed the overall disappointments against the goods and swallowed my sense of pride. I wish people were better people. The winter comes around, bringing the holidays in tow and that's when the ugliness begins to show. My childhood, being what it was, I understand how people have a hard time adjusting each year but their issues are theirs; my issues are mine, except, that's not how it worked out.

Now, years later, I've become a harbinger of horror filled holidays. Much of my internal haranguing never meets the ether or the air, still, it makes a difference. Even as I refuse to speak the negativity, it weighs on my conscience and drowning my thoughts in sadness. I suffer silently. This act erodes my vitality. Enduring such rigors occupies my mind and exhausts me to the point where I neglect my intentions of preparing for the imminent exchanges of consideration and affection. Then I wake up on December 23rd with an empty bank account and no gifts and another year of disappointment in self. Do you know how many nieces and nephews I have? And I don't do for any of them. Not a one. I feel like a pitiful uncle because I wanted to be so much better than that. Truth is, I'm not. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own issues and it's an excuse. I shouldn't allow anything to stop me from being the way I want to be and typically nothing does; except during the holiday.

This year, I want to pull out all the stops. I plan on working my fingers to the bone. If I only ever get one year right, this year has to be the year. If I drop dead from exhaustion and this is my last post, I really hope I gave those who read my words, something worthwhile or even slightly amusing or entertaining or whatever. I am simply tired of the idea that I'll be the same "me" each year. I refuse to allow this jaded bitterness to consume me simply because I keep failing to meet my desire with enough "will" and ambition to make it happen.

Sure, I've probably had it a lot smoother than a lot of folks have had it. My parents really are something else. Still, they contributed to me. For all the good and bad that come with my existence, they share the load of carrying. I have done some amazing things. I'd like to think I've saved a life or two; inspired a soul or two; urged people to be better but I'll never really know. I really just tried to avoid making people worse for knowing me.

If I do make it through these holidays, I probably won't be posting anything new until the new year. I plan on being really strict about my adherence to this determination I'm pledging at this moment. Thanks for everything up until now. Wish me luck.

Where, Today I Fall

With me, it's never about excuses. I am working to learn and understand better how I can improve my position in life. It is all I can do. I could have been born with a silver spoon or a talent to play darts with the stars and the moon but that wouldn't mean I lived a happy life.
All of the shiny, fun and great times won't mean as much as learning to be happy to do my work...my life's work.
It may be miserable at times but to see through it to a brighter day, has been the most priceless feeling. The cleansing. The new breath. The beauty of breaking my pain into bite size morsels and enjoying my meal.
That is my will.

Revisited for the third time

I have written of personal responsibility several times.
I have used slut shaming a few times.
I have used sexual partners a few times.
I probably seemed coarse, arrogant and some other big words that help people feel better after they feel judged.

Let me rephrase: I only care about your sex life if it intersects my sex life. Fellas, every single one of y'all can leave at this point. Our paths will not intersect. Thanks for reading this far tho.
Ladies, I know my opinion may get on your nerves or even offend you. If it does, that's okay, I don't want you. Spend your time finding people who do want you. Not hating people who don't.

Why do I want a woman with a low number? Well, I have several reasons. I'll be as concise as my smart dumb ass will allow me to be.

-I don't have a lot of experience with a lot of women(I want to be well matched)

-The approach of having sex with a lot of people means they aren't as serious as I am.(It is disrespectful to claim otherwise with how they handle sex).

-There aren't that many quality dudes out there for you to go through more men than I have in women and NOT be married. Not possible. I only dodged marriage by sending my girlfriends to other countries...otherwise...I wouldn't be single.

-I can't respect a complete lack of prudent senses

-To be forward thinking and purposeful is a key element of who I am and it inspires an irascible reaction out of the folks who think less seriously of sex than I do.

-I'd never be secure with her. I don't need to have the biggest dick or be the best in the sack. But I can't trust a leopard to change its spots simply because it said it could.

-How horrible are you at working through relationships to have so many that end so rapidly?

I don't think much of whether my list is reasonable or not. I want the person to be capable of understanding my basic motivation isn't sex. Sex won't resolve anything and it can only complicate your situations in life. I have always had a solid understanding of this. How can we be equals if you're just now learning what I've known for a long time? How can we exchange on an even field without me having to lower my head to your ignorance? You may think this is all about my insecurities or the size of my soldier. That would be too convenient. Point the finger at me and try to force me to answer for my views without owning your shit.
Truth is, this isn't about right or wrong. This shit is about compatibility. And I'm simply NOT compatible with a woman who has connected a few too many dots around town. Feel how the fuck you want to about it. As I said in my last post, you can choose who you want to fuck and how often but I can't choose who I want to fuck and how often because I may be using the wrong information to choose? Sorry, not sorry. Your logic is ass. Just keep projecting your opinion and expect opinions like mine. Opinions that you don't like. Opinions that say your opinion is wrong.

And that isn't even the crux of it all. If I choose to have an opinion of your worth, that's my choice. If I base your worth on how many men you've fucked, how does that make me wrong? And let's be clear, we're not talking sex crimes numbers. I know a lot of women have been raped, molested and neglected by our society when it matters most. Don't try and skew the issue with shit like that. It's wrong, should never happened and doesn't count against a woman. All that aside, the men she chooses, those do. Just like the food I eat makes me fat or the crimes I commit make me guilty. The people a person sleeps with makes them undesirable. If all I slept with were Beyonce types, you better damn well bet that women would be more interested in me for no real reason at all. I have seen this to be true. I know it is a scientific truth. When we value a person of the same sex as a competitor, we are more likely to see the person they are with as highly desirable. It's a simple truth. Ask any woman that has walked by me. They get cat calls and mentions of their beauty they never got before. The shock was odd at first but it normalized. Do your own research, you'll find the same things to be true.

Exclusivity is a basic tenant of our innate programming. Men lust after exclusivity from their mates even if they don't want to be exclusive. Women lust after exclusivity from their mates even if they don't want to be exclusive. Human is human. This human however, is only interested in a proper match. It's not like I'm ugly or stupid or have a bad personality. I'm handsome, smart and charming...at times. I have quite literally turned down far more women than I've even found interesting enough to talk to. I want a woman with a certain essence that she isn't willing to share with countless men. I may never find a woman that "fits" me. I may have already found her. My resolve to live up to that standard strengthens with every iteration of this argument. I've known love, warmth, blah blah blah. You might like being loose or whatever you call it. I am not thinking about yours, as I'm busy running through my selections. Believe what you want.

I have quite a few more reasons for why my lady won't have 20 bodies on her. I have an unusual personality. Not just any random woman will be capable of withstanding my ways of doing things and I can only be made fun of so often by somebody who thought the local thug/drug dealer was a good idea for a boyfriend. It's an insult of the ugliest order. You don't get to mock me when you dated a guy who allowed himself to be a victim of his environment. You don't get to act all high and mighty like your too good to do certain jobs when you took dick from a dude and his low rent friends. You don't get to change how you feel and treat me worse than you treated someone who truly didn't deserve you. Those are things I SHOULD take personal. You lower my stock...my price...my worth by doing shit like that. Supply and demand. You supplied the neighborhood but decided I had to wait 90 days? Laughable. Bitter...smarmy...call me what you want. But how self unaware is it to think I'd be the bitter one in the exchange? Remember, I'm the one turning down the offers. I'm the one preserving my sense of self for someone I determines is worthy. I'm not hurt by any of it but I will type about it, especially since it is on my mind. Especially since today, I've decided to take a principled stand against the back handed, undermining grasp of ignorance. This was at the top of the list.

So, what were my arguments?
-incompatible mindset/approach
-extreme differences in belief
-invalid investment in self worth
-major taste differences

We won't get into the STD's or anything like that.
No kids, strong morality, sense of social worth & reputation management.
College degree, employable skills, great family.
But I should settle because she only slept around in college.
But I should settle because all those dudes are in her past.
But I should settle because my ego shouldn't be so....w/e.
But I should settle because you would do it in my position.

How about you manage the game you've played and I'll manage the game I've played.
Deep replay value, more bang for your buck, more character development.
More personal recognizance to speak for me as my past illustrates my character for me.
Every woman I've ever come across will have far more great things than not so good things to say about me. The same goes for my friends. The same for acquaintances. The same for passers-by.

The only people that consistently seem to dislike me are the people I don't give a pass for being walking, talking pieces of shit. They say shit that sounds good most of the time but that one time, I let them know they said something foul, they get mad and gotta make me disappear. It is said to be telling of an interpersonal conflict with who displays the most anger. That is the person who usually has done wrong. The other person is typically unaffected. Of course, that's just an old saying. It simply rings true in the situations I'm thinking of. Tho, there were times when I was the angry party. I remember my outrage was based on the horribly inaccurate perspectives. Also, when in conflict, I spend most of my time clarifying. I have a tendency to argue with people who are saying the same things as myself. I usually only continue those arguments to see when they'll catch on. Sometimes, folk just want to argue. I hate arguing. I try to end the argument with outside, official sources as soon as possible.

But Black women will be the quickest to say some scientific study doesn't apply to them like they are something other than human, then get mad when people hold them to that estimation. I hate the hypocrisy. Still, nobody has ever loved me like a black woman has. My trick to being able to love Black women? Each one is different. Their own persons. Some are really sweet to me. Others are really bitter, salty and shitty to me...all for no reason. Some for other reasons. Nothing I can really do about how they feel. And of course, if you are insecure and lash out because you think I only date white girls, well that's your ignorant assed loss. I've never so much as hugged a white girl too long but I've gotten that same bitter bullshit song and dance from sisters soooo often, it makes you wonder if some of the shit they complain about is retaliation instead of outright assault.

I ain't out here shitting on anybody...ESPECIALLY not Black women. I love them too much. I won't call any out their name. I refuse to diminish them. I've only dated Black women and yet, they still judge me without knowing me. How the hell can they expect to get anywhere treating people that way? First impression: Operation, let's make a new enemy. The fuck is that fresh at? Yeah, I rambled from sex partners to black women. You can stop reading any time. Imma keep going tho. I'm tryna clear 5% of my thoughts. I'm being ambitious. Black women have picked me up when I was down more than anyone else in the world. Unfortunately, if I'm going to be honest, they have put me down more than anyone else in the world. I ignore it but it keeps coming back. I rise above it but they keep the cement shoes on my feet. And the worst feeling of all? That all I want is a black woman to call my queen. One I can feel confident in marrying because she won't selfishly destroy me for being too lost in how she feels about the flavor of the week. As much as women talk the game about men, they want the men that will lead them to destruction. It's some stupid gene in the mind where emotion rules. I don't want them ANYMORE. Give me one where the brain...where thought influences feelings.

I'm not built for those women who can only feel and can't think worth shit. I got a woman that I'm deeply interested in at the moment. She's really sweet. And I thought all these great things about her. I spent time pouring over the little words and gestures....agonizing over the ideas that she shared. I wanted to analyze the compatibility. You see, I came out of hibernation for her. If she isn't worthy, I'd rather just go back into hibernation than anything else. Y'all don't know how I feel but it's hard getting excited for my ABC's when I'm reciting theories and concepts. And a lot of these women out here not deeper than puddles. I can't even get wet in em before it's the bottom of the day. Did I make myself too deep? Fuck you no. I am who I am supposed to be. If there ain't someone who can be on my level, then I don't need to be with them. This new woman, she doesn't sparkle as brightly as some I've seen but that isn't the most essential aspect. Intelligence is not a deal breaker. Personality is far more important. Yeah, I'm smart as shit and sometimes I have a very hard time toning it down. I fly over people's heads so often that some joke that I have actual wings. I don't try to make anybody feel stupid or less smart than me. Never been my goal. I'm always focused on something else. I'm always looking towards a goal. I'm purposeful even without a purpose. I'm passionate even without a desire. I just go. HARD. I do me.

So this woman, I expect a lot from her but I get my hopes up then I see some shit that makes me feel like I bet on the wrong horse. I see her mention this ex shit far too often for me to be comfortable. I'm not the patient type to wait and find out if a person is fucked up mentally. I'll just leave that situation. It's a horrible look. When I want somebody to love me for who I am and they keep checking up on someone who failed to keep them for whatever reasons. That's a way to have me ACTUALLY ANGRY. Which, I might add, is the least fun thing in the world. Not to mention that people seem to be afraid of me in general. All the way lose lose.


While I'm just popping the cap on my thoughts, I'll go ahead and stop there. Lord knows I could type for hours on end and not even touch the 20% marker. Sometimes, the gift and the curse of intelligence, even slight intelligence like mine, is far too much to bear. D'ah well. Eat what you crave. For now, I crave the young lady's attention and affection. Wish me luck. At least I know she was purposeful with her relationships. That much checked out.

Don't be made that there are people like me...you need us....we go behind and correct the wanton reckless failures of folk who don't pay enough attention to detail. LOL

Ain't NOBODY got shit on me! Bruh, SOMEBODY gotta have shit on you!

I feel this way; both ways.

I feel like nobody does what I do as well as I do it, especially not the way I do it. There's only one me, right?

Personality wise, I feel incredible. I mean, I am aight. Patient and slow to come to conclusions. Purposeful and not one to hesitate. Encouraging and blah blah blah.
There are countless folks who see things their way and that's it. Who have mastered the art of dominating social interaction. But that's an easy trail to blaze. It's rather sociopathic as well. BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP....

You have guys who are so anti-homosexuality that they seem suspect. Or they are so adamantly against feminist ideologies that they actually think feminism hurts women. LOL. To be fair, I have come across a shit ton of feminist that honestly missed the point. That does not lend itself to other feminists or feminism altogether. I believe I am a feminist. After all, I am for equality. Not the equality that looks cute but real shit. Not the, "You should pay for everything but we're equal in every way" type equality. That's stupid. You can argue that some social standards SHOULD remain. However, if the social standard is based on a gender bias BUT it works for your advantage and you refuse to argue against it, you aren't fighting a good fight, you're just taking advantage of the situation...the same thing sexism had been doing. It's ironic how easily the hypocrites fail to see that they don't pass the smell test. And it goes further like with slut shaming.

Slut shaming, where you say, "Hey woman, how many men have you fucked?" and she replies with some number too big for your ego "XX". To which, you reply, "OMG, you're so fuckin' loose that I am disgusted!!!". Here's the problem with that...SO! Nobody told you to open your legs. You did it. If you were worried about what people would call you, perhaps you should have been slower to act. Sex literally makes some people sick to the stomach. But your right to have sex AS APPOINTED BY SOCIETY somehow undermines an individual of his right to not want to be with a woman with "XX" partners? The fuck kind of logic is that? I do what I want BUT you don't get to do what you want? I'm just pointing out the hypocrisy. I don't care if that man slept with more women than you slept with men. You must want him(or his money) to even be upset by what he says. You won't catch me slut shaming folks. I do not care who you fuck. Not at all. I'm also, not interested in you.

I have had a very low number of sex partners. I'm still in the single digits. The fuck kinda stupid would I be to want a woman who threw sex out to anybody who asked for it? I want someone who has consistently and hopefully, always, held a similar belief. Someone who could suffer through being alone. Who decided to not use people to fill the voids in her heart. And I'm wrong because I want to know how many people you have fucked because, TO ME, it establishes a lack of moral fiber? Let me tell you what kind of car you should drive...then you can talk to me about how I should feel about sexual partners. Fuck kind of narrow minded hypocrisy is it?

Women out here, telling men they ain't shit because they don't have jobs or careers, getting FUCKED ALL THE WAY OVER by guys with jobs or careers because having a job makes you a good person? Smart? Worthwhile? "

No, you don't only get warm with fire, if you get too close then the fire will burn you."

The point is, people want to be seen as smart, worthy and attractive but the truth is, these folks do not think for themselves. They follow tropes and fail understanding. You can say whatever you want to me. I'm not above being wrong or learning from people. Shit, I've learned a lot from people who don't understand shit. But every woman I've touched and every friend I've made, has gained something valuable from me. I have not minced my words nor have I diluted my intention. I scare people with my honesty. I am not weak willed yet I have been in retreat ALL YEAR. I don't like lies but I understand how they are necessary. I need you to understand, the way I am does not need to change. I see how I reject the world and all of the facade we buy into on a daily. I'm not some spiritual negro... Hell, I refuse the term in every way except the superficial social description. I simply wasn't raised as a black. My self identity is not black. Other people have rarely been successful in leashing my persona to a term. The only things that folks were successful with were leashing me to the fear of violence. It is real. And even still, I got away from violence by using my tongue to either break the scenario down to investment strategies or apologizing my way out of shit I did not desire.

You cannot inflame me into action. THAT IS NOT HOW I WORK. I choose. If I want you, I pursue you. I refuse to pursue ephemeral pleasures. I cannot discern the quality of those whom I might pursue. I've seen plenty of beautiful women out at clubs, bars and restaurants who give me signals. I don't trust them nor do I trust that. It all speaks ill to my sense of omens. Very rarely anyways. Even still, not a lot of conviction in that venue.

I don't really care what the arguments are, as long as the side being argued is not attempting to take advantage of the ignorance of the other side. Capitalist doing capitalist things I guess. I just don't like it. Honest business....ykw...nah...it is what it is. Not that I'm trying to change any minds. Being honest is difficult and lying is so much easier to do. Easier to live with. More profitable. I can't blame folks, really. I just don't like it. Oh well.

Ain't nobody got shit on me.

Nothing Against You

I had a fit. If you read my prior entry, you will discern a disturbance in my sense of internal peace. I was given a hard to swallow truth. I took it pretty hard -even for me.

Many of you(if not all of you) know that I have spent the last year unmotivated to find proper employment or to embark upon a career. I was shiftless and made few excuses for my dereliction. My audacity was nearly to the point of glorifying my particular weaknesses. I hate to admit how lowly I have come to realize my depth. I do not have the right to look another man in the eye and claim equality when I have yet to truly try. It is convenient of me to demand equality when I have not earned it. Sure, some have done far less or even require far less to rightfully demand more. That sucks. I still must put in my effort.

If I mean to offer no excuses, then my application of "not excusing" should be absolute and impartial. Instead, I continue to find various loopholes that I have hidden like errant Easter eggs, to give myself an easy out. Regardless of how I feel, I must move. Regardless of what is wrong or corrupt, I must move. At this point, I am reminded of a quote that has become somewhat popular in recent years(I believe the recession had a lot to do with that):

"Being enlightened is no longer enough, you must apply
Being willing is no longer acceptable, you must do."

Some among you may noticed that I have used this before. Indeed. When it no longer has a purposeful invocation, I will cease to beckon & borrow wisdom from it. Until that day comes, I will continue to find new ways to get over myself and my emotional reactions. I admit it is a hard thing to do. I have far to go. I like to channel my anger into getting over myself. Sometimes, the path is fairly short like yesterday's eruption. Other times, the turmoil goes undetected. I can only see what my eyes define and my experience illustrates as having value. For now, "purpose" has a much greater value than most things and that is what I am working toward.

Although the threat of employment is imminent, I was prodded into not being too accepting. Perhaps, I should not take that anything is guaranteed. I will be made to work for every scrap my fingers draw from the pile of scraps. And if I am to place myself into a career field, I need to do a perfunctory assessment of what all of that means for me.

I am too determined to do things my way. That is unhealthy. Not that I cannot acclimate to more structured environments, simply that I go into a different version of the guy everybody knows. I work extremely well within hierarchies. I do not work well in free flowing crap slinging contests. For you or anyone to understand that difference, you would actually need to know me, listen to my intent underneath and behind my words(or just watch as I wilt all over twitter). The world is too efficient at jading the way we see things. Everybody a critic; everybody a cynic.

You're either this or that. I like being between those. That was the source of my conflict. Conditionally claiming both to look good under criticism. My hopefulness. My positivity. My certainty. I used them all as shields to deflect the criticism. Childishly. Anyway, I'm hoping to dump who I was yesterday/today for who I can be tomorrow. I am still cheating. I am still taking advantage of my best attributes. At this point, I have grown desperate and will not mind being faulted for relying on whatever I can.

Perhaps, this drive...this sense of determination is what I have been secretly relying upon. Knowing it exists is enough to skew the results. Especially, if merely being watched can alter an outcome. And that much is certainly true. The "Observation effect" is still valid. Watch me. Change the outcome.

Dumb

Of the countless amazing things I have experienced in my short life, the most incredible was feeling understood. It lasted for such a fragmented moment that I cannot tell if things really went as I remembered or if I just imagined my joy.

I am a tortured soul, not because anybody tortured me but because of how I torture myself in believing and having hope. People aren't built like me for a reason. Black people aren't built like me for a reason. To look in the face of all of these facts and pretend the only thing that matters is what I do? Even on my best day, I know that circumstance trumps all.

I win a lot. More than my fair share, some would say. I also lose more than I win. I lose so much that the bitter taste has become enjoyable and sustaining. I am not for the weak at heart. My thoughts are more potent than the strongest of coffees. My emotions are more intoxicating than the truest of wines. I am that pure and uncut. The unfortunate truth behind that is few people can take a dose of me and not OD. To cut my purity, I get high on others. I try to keep myself distracted. 

People fail to grasp how I work. The techniques I use and, oddly enough, mind numbingly dull conversation is thrilling to them. It almost doesn't matter who I am talking with. People pretend too much for my liking. There is a ton of shit I do not know. I don't pretend I know more than I do. I have been dealing with small minded folk who relish pointing out the facts that they feel, elevate them above you. Cool, you excluded somebody. Great job.

I am so sick of working harder to be a decent human being every day. Why try when there is nothing but trolls around me? Isolated and becoming more distant every day. Seeing the battle of good versus evil and not being involved is tearing me apart. I did try to push people toward an understanding but now, I just watch the stupid shit roll by. My heart is emptying and I don't feel sad about it. I don't feel anything at all. 

All of my excitement and positivity that came from how people remembered the old me. All of the positive words and encouragement I received, feels pointless. I'm sickened by my lot in life. Not because I feel I failed. I feel sick because I see how horribly the world has failed. How resilient the masses are in  doing a minimal to change things. How silly the entire idea of using thought to make things matter. 

See, in the core of how I am, who I am, is the basis of how I interact with others. If I need to change that core, I may never truly care about others again. Who cares, right? What's it matter to any of you? I wouldn't say it does. It could. And that should be the scary thought. A good guy gone evil is one of the scariest things walking the earth.

Now, people may read this and start using half-assed assumptive logic to conclude that I'm just having a hard time or I'm not getting my way or I'm griping about low paying employment. Well, it's nothing of the sort. These are the thoughts of after taste...after I have a conversation with a person. These are the thoughts of shock and awe at the callous disregard I see others exhibit in traffic. Most of all these are the thoughts that respond to excuses, justifications and hypocrisy. 

I'm not enraged but I am discontent. I'm not outwardly, nor inwardly destructive. I cannot change this horrible world. I do not have the spark necessary to convert a city nor a nation of zombies. It just is what it is and I need to better learn to disguise how I really feel because nobody can take it. I'll let the coward come out to play. That seems like who everybody wants anyway. The coward.

It's never just one thing, not just one straw but the straw the breaks the camels back; the ounce that sinks the ship; the difference between not making it another second and lasting for the foreseeable future. And I cannot help but feel as if I hit that point while trying to find something; anything that could work for me. I have failed yet again. One more loss. Another loss. What more can I say?

Not the answer

From a bullied child to a troubled "Master Chef", it appears the theme of today is suicide. Especially since I blocked someone on twitter, who constantly threatened folks(on twitter) with suicide. Personally, I don't give a shit one way or another if you think that me giving a damn about you is going to make me coddle you. I'm not the man for hostage negotiations. Maybe someday I'll receive training but the moment you try to take my emotions hostage, that's the moment I dump everything you thought you knew about me into the river and begin again.

First, suicide is selfish. There is no getting away from that fundamental understanding. Anything after that is either dissecting the causes of suicidal ideation or the sources that inspired the ideation. Sure, there are much softer people in the world who will crumble for an individual that is hellbent on bringing an end to their perceived suffering. I'm sure every ounce of suffering is legitimate but only a mere fraction of that is unavoidable.

I am not in a good mood talking about suicide. My brother and sister have threatened. I've had plenty of friends who have threatened. My last partner, she threatened countless times. I resented them to the core for abusing my faith in them. None of these people are even a tad bit slow. Maybe they wanted some sympathy and didn't know how to communicate; maybe they seriously wanted to end it all either way, I cannot inspire them to live. And after the countless attempts of trying to inspire folks to live, I realized I never could. I realized that I was being toyed with. Because I'm soft. Because I'm soft on people. They think if they claim I'm being too hard on them, I'll leave them alone. The thing is, I'm virtually non-existent. I don't nag people. At best, a gentle reminder in the form of a question.

I have been made into the bully before and it got under my skin. We all know I'm a black man. I've been accused of so many countless things that I was nowhere within a thirty mile radius of when these crimes were committed. Being a bully, no, that certainly isn't one. But that brings me back to this 9 year old kid that hung himself. First, how is a kid bullied to a suicidal extent and the parents fail to notice...and everyone fails to notice. The kid was nine, for bullying from his peers to be enough to push him over the edge, and nothing else share the blame, I am absolutely dumbfounded. Now, I talked to a few women about it and they rapidly arose to blame television. But who controls the remote? Who pays for that television that inspires kids to off themselves before they make it into their preteens? Parents/Guardians.

At this point it should be fairly obvious that I'm not buying the simple "bullies" argument. I'm not arguing that the bullies couldn't inspire such a response but at that age and solely responsible? That's too easy. Letting everybody who failed that child off the hook too easily. Furthermore, they say the kid was teased for being "white". Excuse me? Yeah, get the search party everyone, we're looking for a scapegoat. But folk read "9 year old commits suicide for being bullied because of his white skin" and now we have a stab at reverse racism that will be quoted by self-serving bigots for years to come.

I don't think you can stop somebody who wants to commit suicide. If they really want to, nothing you can do. If they are crying out, that is a sign of other problems. I can hardly find the room to feel sympathy or pity. Have I been suicidal before? Mildly. It was the ideation that forced me to look in the mirror and kill the excuses. That suicidal ideation is addictive. The moment you open the mind to those possibilities, the more it gets addicted to self mutilation. The more it does that, the more you think that you should simply "do it". Except, I hated the idea. I talked myself through to the truth of the matter and resolved my way out of that hell. I am not even slightly convinced that most people can do that. Nor  do I expect them to.

But I was my biggest problem. Nobody else. The moment I accepted responsibility, I mean, we as a people are given excuses and allowed to blame others for how we feel. That is a horrible aspect of humanity. Never is another person responsible for how we feel. Never. That doesn't exist. We may relinquish agency of our emotions but that is still our choice. And though suicide is an excuse in my eyes, I recognize that my depth on the subject matter is not substantial. What I say comes from a place of giving a damn about others. I simply cannot live for them. I can forgive them for choosing suicide. I cannot excuse the choice. I don't need to be right. This is merely my opinion. And the way that it is established within a hierarchy of thoughts, it will take a phenomenal onslaught of education to alter my outlook.

I blame the parents, the friends, the society, the assholes who are supported and cherished. I blame society and the individual. People aren't born suicidal. It isn't just a bad relationship or a lost job that drives people to it.
I got out of my way so that people know I care. Consistently, for anyone remotely troubled. Just because I care. Don't think you can come at me because my views seem calloused. You don't know my pain. How my heart aches when I see somebody has taken their life. Yet, it was fair to assume my words were a summation of my character because I don't see fit to blame the bullies for something that took community cooperation to achieve? Yeah, okay.

Hypocrisy is one hell of a drug. I cannot leave myself to commiserating with people who commit suicide. And who has the nerve to tell me how to be. I deal with things my way and you deal with them your way. You don't like what I'm saying about people doing things I didn't like them doing? Oh, nice to see you uphold the same standards for me as you do for the person you think I'm belittling and yourself. If you cannot see the connection, I'll make it transparently crystal.

I have a thought. You don't like my thought and make a judgment based on it.

My thought was based on an action somebody else took and I made a judgment.

The action somebody else took was a judgment about what others told them.

It's ironic, when you remove the "skin" of the occurrence and look at what happens, that you are no better than either of us. Just a part of the trinity. We can make special exceptions for people who talk about those who kill themselves yet we cannot make the same exception for those who actually kill themselves. Seems just a wee bit biased to me.

Meanwhile, I have not killed anybody. I'm mad at the murderer. You're mad at the person who is mad at the murderer. Still doesn't make sense to me. Should I continue counting the hypocrisy? There's always more. I neither put the blade in their hand nor did I want anybody to kill themselves. That's a personal choice. We're stupid as a nation to think we should protect each other from ourselves(in intentional self afflicted harm...not lack of caution type stuff).

About all of the grown black men who committed suicide, it tears my heart up to see that mess. Nobody was there for them. Nobody could reach them. Imagine the good they could have done for the black community...they were legends purely for making it to fame. And now they're gone forever. Tell me again how suicide isn't selfish and shouldn't be criticized. Cause all I see is over identifying with somebody who ultimately was nothing like you. Even if I do nothing else with my life, I don't see myself giving suicide much attention from myself or others. There's too much beauty in life. And you choose to see it or not. You don't get to blame me because of your negativity.

Pilot Light

Recently I learned that I'm not seeing half as much as I thought. I do see a lot but I'm so focused that I also miss a lot. Having something incredible surprise you with enjoyment has a tendency to make you reassess your ways as to not miss out on anymore.

I went on that date with a young woman. She was a ball of fun. Not that I felt any kind of way about it but she left me with some strong impressions. I have been thinking about her ever since. The first time in a year that I have thought about anybody other than Black Pearl, for longer than ten minutes. I honestly couldn't tell if it was because she was so sweet or if it was because I've become a shut in recluse. After a few days of just thinking about it, I realized that I still don't like what I didn't use to like. She sparked something greater than lust and enjoyment. She inspired me to be interested in her. I haven't forgotten how I've turned down quite a few women this year. And the reminder that some were gifted with some exceptional beauty.

That's not to say she isn't pretty. She is very pretty. And if she had a professional makeup job done, you wouldn't be able to tell she isn't a superstar. I can see a lot of beauty in her face. But most people look average without makeup, so what am I saying? Just that, she isn't lacking on her own merits. Not that I'm quite so deep in like that I want to talk to her all the time or anything. I just want to repay her spending time with me with a gesture of the same. I wouldn't be surprised if more was lit between us but as things are, I simply appreciate the quality of her character. She's dope. She's exceptional. She's great. And still, I'm merely acknowledging her.

I've been through a few women since I wanted to be married. I let go of the idea of "age & marriage" because, well, I'm 31 now. Nearly a decade older than I expected to be when I thought I'd be married. Somewhere inside, I still want to be married but the dream itself, feels crushed. In a moment of bitterness, I considered catching up on all the women I've missed out on. That idea simply doesn't add up in my observation of logic. I've never been greedy but often stingy. I expected that whoever shares with me, would feel similarly. And going on one date with this woman has reminded me that there are really great women out there that feel like I feel. Similar fears, similar goals, similar things to offer. I'm not so weird after all.

Typically, I cast a wide net. Since last year, I've cast no nets. I didn't want to catch anything. After the date, I got up and began to untangle my nets. Before I cast that net, I'll explore whether this woman is worth my investment. Although we joke together and get along fairly effortlessly, we aren't but in the wading pool. We got an ocean deep to explore and I don't truly know if we'll make it off the beach. I guess, I'm back up and off of reflection. It's blitzing forward at a frenetic pace, utilizing all effort to progress by any means. I am back in the flow. Unfortunately, my long rest has depleted my vitality. I need to rebuild it. I just hope I can. Because a shark can't stop swimming......

September 24th

It's already noon on the day I was born, 31 years following my emergence from the womb. I reflect and realize that I have spent much of my time on two feet, confused with everything except what I was doing. I think that is why I chose to become a particularly romantic person; it was simpler and easier. Frustration will often convince you that what you wanted really isn't worth the effort. Twenty-four days into September, frustration means nothing to me and appreciation has usurped virtually every other "emotion" I can experience.

My life has been easy. My life has been hard. It is what it is. My life is full of affection. My life is devoid of warmth. Cynically, having no expectations is the way to go. Intrepidly, forming soft expectations really helps encourage growth in others. Ya see, I believe that every mode of interaction falls under the label of manipulation. We manipulate our words and thoughts and beliefs to fit into the mold of who we are, even as we avoid to do so, we essentially do the thing we sought to not do. As the avoidance is of you and creates a box of its own. The manipulation of nothingness is no different the manipulation of fullness. Acceptance demands that, while living, certain things may not be absolute yet still unavoidable. An invariably veritable unstoppable force.

My favorite songs "Smiley Faces" by Gnarls Barkley & "Her Smile" by Van Hunt. Those songs were greater effects on my mood, attitude and outlook than music probably should. However, I don't play them too frequently anymore.

Unfulfilled potential is disappointing. The question is do you want a sputtering Porsche that people continually attempt to steal while you aren't looking OR would you prefer a cosmetically challenged yet incredibly reliable Camry? My answer to that question has change a lot from 330 days ago. The Porsche was my idea of great engineering. And my choice was respectable because my admiration for such a fine vehicle was unparalleled. When your ambition is wounded, you need consistency and support. The Camry may not be what's hot in these streets but there are many less mechanical errors and a lower cost of maintenance. Why would anybody choose a Porsche that even the manufacturers couldn't devoid of bugs?

Am I a person who needs a great machine or an adequate machine? Form or function? Feeling of impact or the impact of feeling? Nay, there be nothing clever laying under this rock today. Just celebrating my birthday in a special way by leaving memories to look back upon and reflect with a tad bit more accuracy.

Side note: lately, I've been recalling a lot of the emotions I felt much younger in life. Memories being jarred by frustrations felt in my niece. I remember struggling with certain maths or words. Conceptually I had a closed eye and I had to try so incredibly hard to get the basics. I am hungry. Time to eat. This may be updated later...then again...perhaps not. Here's to you, 31 year old Romeo.

Response - Ability

I've written more about the woman that inspired me to avoid being drowned in despair after my break up than I wrote about the actual breakup. It mildly amuses me. On the other hand, I wonder if I'm compulsively preoccupied with this woman. What brings this about is that I wrote another poem about her today. The poems are usually cheery and hopeful. However, I can no longer discern whether I just used this as an excuse to avoid feeling hurt.

The level of toxicity coursing through my system was absolutely nasty. I had learned to live with the pain. I had gained a strength of silence. I am a sufferer. I bear. Ironically, being called sagey bear came into being because of my sweetish demeanor. Somehow, the differing meanings and usages of the word "bear" still apply. Which, in quite a few ways, led to my recent reclamation of the epithet. I find it hilarious.

I don't get any of it. Yes, I fail to grasp all of which surrounds the ongoing actions that I, myself, am taking. I don't usually just give up. I rarely give up. It can be said that I refuse to give up. But this last year...who the fuck was I? Nothing like the 30 years that preceded it. My misery was once a driving force. A desire to overcome all of the failures I've known and forgetting all the unessential fragments of my time here on Earth. But the current me? Meh...I just don't know.

I am by far more brilliant than I have ever been. I'm aware of the equivalence of my actions is "Crying during the sunniest times of my life"(to quote Phonte). Still, it feels as if I'm biding my time for something fairly large. I do not know why I feel this way or what could come to me while I'm not preparing nor prepared. I believe in preparation. Yet, look at me. Hilarious.

I don't love anybody any less than I did the day I realized that I loved everyone. I have people I absolutely do not want to be anywhere near. I do have people that it physically hurts to see. I have people I wanted to have around until forever came. Life just isn't built that way and I am angry with the fairy tale. Don't build me to be an idiot. It was very hard to overcome social programming. I am probably still resisting something that burbles beneath the surface. I cannot reflect perfectly. I cannot peer into a depth of my soul that light fails to penetrate.

Something tells me that I should have flown, drove, ran, swam, crawled to get to the sparkle when I was beckoned by her. I've grown endlessly under her via distance. I have grown in a manner of magnitudes. I have bore every lash and done so without burning at both ends. I couldn't win for losing. Now, I can't lose for winning. But what am I winning besides a spiritual battle for my very own soul? Seemingly nothing. I love her deeply. I resent her beauty(because it makes my being allured feel superficial). I have contempt with her for loving me(because somewhere inside, I feel unworthy). Tragically(was intended as in explanation but in reflection, I realized that readers would need more explaining...my apologies). I am humbled. Because I can put words to feelings that most folk cannot feel existing. I want her around me just long enough. Then again, I'd be embarrassed to be seen while I'm like this...at what appears to be my worst. My best worst.

See why I am confused? Haha. To even reflect like this is a sign that I'm still me...I've been doing this for sometime now. This weird manner of typing. I once penned newspaper articles frequently and was praised for my ability. This writing style is just a newer development. Guess it is finally time to test some limits and see how they work with me. My birthday is in 6 days. I'll be 31. It just tells me that I've spent a year being a prisoner to the freedom I've chosen to experience. I don't want freedom anymore. It's hyped up. I want to be many different kinds of prisoners, none of which require bars or probation officers.

Perhaps I'll share this and the poem I recently wrote with the person who inspired them. I'll trust her, everything she says, regardless of what I feel is impossible because I'm being stopped by minimal resistance these days. I have much need to do better simply because I can.

"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it"
"With great power there must also come — great responsibility"
"In dreams begin responsibilities"

"Responsibility is the state of being "responsible", or answerable for an act performed or for its consequences, especially morally, legally, or politically."

September is Odd

My mood has been completely inconsistent in September. I feel lost a bit. I mean, I'm typically all over the place emotionally but I have an anchor with a long tether. Right now, it feels like I'm not anchored; like I'm drifting without regard to my surroundings. Much better than August. I mean, I've actually got spare fire in my belly. So much so that I find myself arguing with people I have no business arguing with. I know I look foolish but what I'm attempting to gain from it is something I can't quite put my finger on. I don't put too much stock into appearances. Actors are constantly caught addicted to drugs only to rebound and have a decent career. Or a sex addicted person always seems to connect with a person they have no business being attached to sexually. Image doesn't mean shit. Sure, there is a difference but I don't expect that me looking silly arguing with fools will matter much in the grand scheme.

I also know I seem angry but it's hard to seriously engage them. To me, my words come off the tippy top of my thoughts. There is no deep thought or reflection. It's all old hat. In fact, the speed of my responses never seem to jar folk, despite how meticulous my answers are. It never fails to shock me how mindless some can be while arguing. It's like a poorly written script. Which reminds me, writing isn't supposed to be realistic. I do not know where the idea got into my head that it was supposed to be realistic. I don't know if it's as muddled for everyone else but I see nothing but people that can't get out compatible thoughts. People who mumble and stumble through the simplest of thoughts. By which means, popular media, attempting to authenticate itself with errors, diminished itself into a crass mass of indescribable mediocrity.

There is a lot about this world I won't ever pretend to get. I'm no longer even interested with those particular aspects of existence. Violence. I'm totally done with that. Insults. I'm super done with that.
I thought...no, I still feel like I'm done with anger. In truth, I may have just found a way to diminish the anguish I experienced when I was angry and now anger feels something different. Before it was hot and flushed me everywhere, soaking me in a rage like substance(I know it is nonsensical). Now, it doesn't feel much different than anything else but I would describe it as a yellowish ball with a reddish purple core, that spins slowly while I'm actively agitated. I guess that just tells me that I have much more road to walk. I wanna be the master so bad already. LOL.

So, between arguing, reflecting, meditating and engaging, I have been putting more effort to reap a physical reward by doing more physical work. I have also made a friend who I can talk to every so often. I feel like a weird, alternate reality pet to this person but not necessarily in a bad way. Like, what life could have been like type of thing. I'm okay with that. I'm getting to a point where I'll make a stand on principle no matter who I may lose behind it. I am alone now. Maybe everybody I've made some sort of connection with needs to be purged for me to find a reason to move forward. I'm heavily disenchanted with the world and my personal lot. Though I'm happy with myself, I'm not entirely contented with the options I left myself. I will be fine. Perhaps I should worry more.

I have a date later this month. It's something that was jokingly two years in the making. She was in a relationship and so was I. She made a joke on Facebook about accepting applications for a new male companion. I jokingly offered my app. We both knew it was a joke. Two years later, she moved to my state and jokingly told me she was here to reexamine my qualities as an applicant. We laughed at the joke and went on about our business. Some many months later, she apparently was more serious than I had considered OR really just wanted to hang out with somebody and hadn't met anyone she felt was worth her time, asked me. For all I know, she could have had a list a dudes and I was somewhere on there. It doesn't matter to me. It makes me no different. I was asked if I'd accompany her and I said yes. I felt some kind of way about being asked out but to be fair, it's not like I was going to ask her. I'm in a world of peace, licking wounds that I have considered long since healed. I keep forgetting how horribly stressful my life had been for the last few years. I felt a glimmer of that earlier. The absolute sickness of it...it was a wake up call. I could have died from a broken heart. I really put 99.999% of what I had into that relationship. I threw away my pride and standards as a man for a woman who, retrospectively, did not deserve the effort I gave.

Sure, she is a great human being. I'm not ever going to slander her. She is human. Does human things. Human shit happens. But nobody I've ever seen, deserves effort that compromises my health and that's what I gave. I went too far. I trusted her and trusting others hurts. Even when you feel nothing and refuse to exert those emotions, that shit is real. You can deny or accept it but the shit still has an effect. Even still, I think acceptance is the best thing going. I still stand by understanding. I refuse to budge from positivity. And I'm only telling it how I remember it. If I am wrong...then so be it. To the best of my ability, this is the unaltered truth. Not that such a thing matters anyway. This my blog, I can lie if I wanna. Who gon' check me?

So, I took a break from twitter because Yesterday, I devolved into a somewhat savage flirt and today, these folks decided they could RT me, make me look like the bad guy, and tell me off as if I were powerless to prevent any of this. I gave them an opportunity to get the message from the source. Instead, each was content to sling insults, yell and scream and refuse to listen. I deleted the tweets she had, reported her as spam and went about my day, contented to have foiled her plan to make me look like the posterboy of twitter male privilege. And I did it with a taunt: "Watch me rain on your parade".

My father is a man. I asked him what he thought about it; about the "female" is disrespectful and dehumanizing to women. He echoed much of my initial thoughts on the topic. It isn't about the word itself and neither should their outcry be about the word. These movements seek to censor the hearts, minds and mouths of the people in a land where you are free to say what you want. Especially when there isn't a personal investment, their little battle seems even more vapid. My father goes onto saying that he can understand women not wanting to being called "Ladies" because "lady of the night" or Madam because madams run brothels. Or "woman" because that too was dehumanizing at one point. It was a long series of reaches from women that associated the word as the insult instead of the usage. He took in stride that female was no different than male and acknowledge the little connotation game that a group of women are playing on twitter.

My entire purpose was to help them refine their focus and not recklessly attack people. I was trying to help them. They attacked me for having insight into reality that they refused to acknowledge. I do not know the intellectual gap between me and those ladies. I'm sure some of them had to be fairly accomplished but then again, that doesn't make you smart. Whatever. I went to my dad because he will not hesitate to tell me that I've been callous or unnecessary forsaken another's feelings. He is helping me to avoid conflict. His advice? Why bother getting involved? You know better, you don't need to, so why do it? And my response was, I may know better by definition but I do not know better by practice. If I did know better by practice, I would not engage. I'm learning this lesson as fast as my stubborn or euphemistically "determined" heart and mind will allow me. But I know I'm completely in control. I have my own agency. It is an excuse to say my heart and brain. Really, it is my conditioning and impulse control. Both of which, I have been taught to neutralize and overcome. If I fail to do so, it is a choice of regression and not one of positivity.

So, the end result was, do I truly desire positivity or do I just want to talk about positivity while doing what I want with a lukewarm conviction?

That is to say, this entire entry is literally an ode to procrastination and excuse making. And I am still attempting to capitalize on my stronger qualities while trying to allow myself to be human. I finally have a bead on what others are seeing that I don't need to ask a million questions. It is a feeling of weakness. I never knew how strong I was in comparison. But it wasn't even remotely touchable. Welp. I was better not knowing my own strengths. I gotta get back to the mindlessness. But I do know who I am so I guess that's a bonus. END.

Back in 2010 Before VSB

I was working for General Dynamics as a contractor. It wasn't a bad gig. Some of the work was about hustling but mostly, it was about teamwork. I did absolutely fine in all regards except for giving a damn about all the little shit everybody would act all dramatic about. I had people who would fuck with me and jeopardize my employment. But I make it a point to have the bosses recognize me. That's my best case scenario.

Anyway. I had a girlfriend in Korea. She began acting an ass. I just moved into a new apartment. I had purchased a vehicle and the engine blew three weeks later(earlier that year). I had my older car blow a transmission a week after that. And I had finally had that repaired. My business was getting better and I was spending even more time on the road trying to establish a great foundation for my market. I was truly in the midst of an endless hustle. Key coworkers were fired. Harassment grew worse. Girlfriend in Korea wouldn't hold conversations anymore. And the only real ray of light I had in my life was this single mother(who would eventually become my girlfriend). So I break up with Korea and everything is going fine with the single mother. She comes to visit(SM) and the visit goes great. But my boss pulls authority and claims it's a mandatory work day while she's visiting. At this point, I stopped giving a damn. Three weeks later I was laid off. I didn't think much of it. Boy, was I wrong.

My best friend at the time was visiting. It was time for him to leave and he hadn't purchased his tickets for return and asked me to help him out. I told him I really couldn't afford to help him out because of my being laid off. He promises to pay it back the next day. The next day turns into a month and then he starts dodging my calls. I say fuck it, I'm a dope ass friend. He can have that money. Fuck him. He knew I was in a shitty spot and he still fucked me over.

In the meantime, I tell SM and she doesn't give any reaction. 9 days later, she breaks everything off with tears. I get in my car to drive to my mother's house so I can relax and eat and just be around people who give a good god damn about me. I get half a mile down the street and a cop pulls a u-turn. I think it's because I'm black in a predominantly white area. He says it was my windshield being cracked. He writes me a ticket for that, license plate, and an out of date insurance card. The price of that ticket was $975. So, here I am, in a new apartment lease, no income, best friend not following through on his word, my new girlfriend(that I traded the old one for) broke up with me, big ticket and I have nobody I can really talk to. I just pulled over and wept. I felt like the world was shitting on me. Then I swallowed it and pushed forward.

That was August 2010, one of the shittiest moments in my entire life. Old gf on the phone always trying to get me back, new gf trying to push me away, money money money, jobs, stress, gay people with sexual harassments at the job I got fired from, lack of sleep, loneliness, car problems, and on and on....In September I was shown VSB. I began commenting and I was scared and intimidated but it was a good thing. Although, a lot in my life is still in disrepair, I have grown in many ways to such a point that the same problems wouldn't shake me nearly the same as they once did. My point is that how we look at things is everything to us. If we can learn to prepare ourselves ahead of time, difficulties aren't nearly as debilitating. Anyway, that's for the night.

Just the edges

I was re-calibrating my life two days ago. I make no money and I fear that I may never make any decent money. I mean, I'm not really one of those "march inside the lines" kind of ants. I buzz to my own bee. And that fear somehow pushed me out of sorts. It takes a lot to jar me but I'm glad it did. I'll never know what's coming for my next iteration. How will I grow in the future? Only way to find out is to live through it. And I am so human to think somehow, I found a way around the forced humility that is accepting failures and growing from them. Just another way to polish my humility.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't become a world famous track star.
I felt like a failure because I am over 30 with no kids...and a black man.
I felt like a failure because I have no idea what I'll do to make money.
I felt like a failure because I have no woman I can consider "Special".
I felt like a failure because I see the lives around me growing beautifully.
I felt like a failure because I haven't dealt with this last decade well.
I felt like a failure because I haven't used basic skills to fix my problems.
I felt like a failure because I show no ambition whatsoever...daily.
I felt like a failure because I live at home with my mother.
I felt like a failure because I am to embarrassed to hang out with my friends.
I felt like a failure because I ... a lot of reasons. Countless reasons. Endless reasons.

I have a dog and she caught parvo a few months back...it's a deadly serious illness for young puppies. $1000 dollar vet bill. She cut her leg open in a freak accident, I had to spend long nights finding a way to heal her leg because I could afford another vet bill. There was a flea issue. There was a this and a that and a this and a that. And I couldn't do anything about it because I have no money. No hustle. And barely give a damn. Nobody and nothing can convince me to give a damn either. I'm too content with watching the world flow by like fish in a stream. Disconnected yet aware. Not so much in a bubble but not so much in touch with anything that is widely considered "the thing to do".

Get a job? Get threatened to be fired because I don't "smile" enough or I'm five seconds late. Or get harassed because some white guy is afraid of black guys or get depended on because I'm the only dependable person. Or have car issues and still be held...ya know...I understand everybody has these issues to some extent. There is always some fuck face trying to ruin somebody else's day. And I have found some very charming responses to much of the trite interference. I just can't find enough give a damn to exert the effort to achieve an end.

Now, some folk may be curious about sexual matters. Sure, but I've never been one to allow my lower head to talk for me. Shit never made sense. I wanted to feel boobies, butts and insert myself until I erupted like Mt Vesuvius, it just never overwrite my feeling of personal pride. I won't sleep with someone I couldn't stand my child looking like. Cannot do it. I can't risk my child coming out half mentally broken, I won't be a good man. I'm trying desperately to keep myself in a position that will allow me to succeed. So, I'm moving when I say move. I still feel horrible about it. Seeing men well younger than myself with beautiful and intelligent women. I have no tears to shed about it tho. I studied Psychology like a fool. And somehow I managed to come out with bad grades like school wasn't real life. Now, when I finally want to apply to grad school, they want to ask me to take more classes. Nah. I'll just chill for now.

I really miss working out. I've tried but my motivation was at its highest point when I could go to the gym. I wouldn't miss a day, even if I slack until midnight. I was always there. Now, I no longer have my membership or the means to make it. That more than anything would get me moving again. That or a friend. But...I don't do so well with other people. People who like to exert their influence and abuse their investments. I disregard folk like that and they get their panties in a bunch. It happens a lot with women who approach me. They seem to want me to be an idiot for them. A monkey that will work for peanuts. Give me grief and give some other man the pussy. Because I'm fun to interact with but they just want a big cucumber sized dick to pogostick bounce on. (Actual words used to me...audaciously at that).

So. I see folk winning, have no idea how and see how badly I'm losing and I get a bit defeated. What's the point? I'm older, less motivated and hopeless. Or am I? This could be the moment talking. This could be confusion or delusion or frustration. Because these are just words. Words that don't necessarily fit into a universal reality simply because they were perceived. Truth is, I could be fine and just feel shitty because I saw some young asshat with a beautiful woman and a very expensive car. He earned it; I did not.

I am young, healthy, fairly intelligent, fairly hard worker, easily motivated and kind heartedly honest. Do I worry about me? No. That's why I've allowed my personal state to fall into such disrepair. I may have fallen too far but if I believe in miracles; If I believe I can pull off the impossible, then it doesn't matter how far I've fallen. I wasn't a millionaire by the age of 30 and I didn't have any kids. But there is no doubt that I am a tremendous person and I have impacted several lives. I try hard and I resist giving up until there is nothing but futility remaining. It sucks only living on the edges where either you don't believe at all or where you believe so deeply that nothing can shake you. I'm in both places and nowhere in the middle. I'm just on the edges...of sanity.

Dammed Anger

Recently, I decided to completely remove anger from my daily emotions. It has left me excessively reflective which in turn has diminished my overall exuberance. I am saddening ever so deeply.

I know this will sound weird considering the topics I have written about but women don't comprise much of what I think about in the grand scheme of strained thought. Not the remembering or the indulging or anything else, really. But the removal of anger changed that completely. I have been stuck in reliving critical moments in past relationships. My dreams were about my two most recent relationships. I have never felt so hopeless. Every woman I have been with has gotten married and moved on. That's not really the part that bothers me. I both know they cared and feel like they didn't know they didn't truly care. I know that's condescending but the rabbit hole my brain pranced down isn't something that has me feeling too comfortable.

Alright, I need to refine that statement before moving forward. Where do I start? These women swore that my presence was necessary. I swore that they just lacked perspective of the situation and swore they needed me out of connection. I guess it's true, not anybody would do but the core of the issue is my internal feelings of worthlessness. I have tried to reconcile this but it is nearly impossible. I feel great worth for my life. I feel like my abilities and intellect are worthy of note. No matter how I estimate the situation, I'm not trash. However, society has a different and persistent message. I guess it all boils down to a fear of failure/success. But in all honesty, it is probably more likely a fear of utter mediocrity. As such, I would rather avoid that much. Maybe, my fear is a reflection of my past. Always one step behind what my girlfriends demand of me. One wanted me to make twice as much as she did. By the time I did, I was on the next. That next wanted me to accept her and her fucked up family...well, I guess I never did get that one down. Don't mistreat the people I care for because I won't allow it to persist.

I don't really understand what is happening. I seem to be more lost these days when I have strong conviction to a goal. An emptiness of sorts. A loneliness I haven't known for a few years. Twitter had been keeping me somewhat connected. I just...gave up on half of my emotions. Having a huge amount of faith in people, I wasn't served wrongly. Plenty of love. But August was a low point. And I decided that I needed to pull myself out of a virtual despair-less hope. I needed to fine despair. I needed something to be afraid of. I needed fear of failure; of mediocrity; of being worthless for real.

I do not need any new friends but I'm sure I'll make some. I don't need any new problems but I'm sure I'll find some of those too. I don't need but I want and what I don't want, wants those who do not want it- namely, me. And the best chance I have of producing my own version of happiness is to prepare for whatever I have remaining. So, one day soon, I will work up the courage to run headlong into battle with leaky eyes and a raised voice; tensed muscles and deafening chatters in my thoughts. I will meet the blade as all who have come before me. I will accept however it cuts. My time was limited and I've had a good time. I've known happiness unlike the war and struggle many others have known. A little harassment, death threats and violence was not that big an issue. I have thoroughly enjoyed life and I plan on enjoying whatever years I have to come. I just have it all muddled up in the present, trying to make the most of whatever potential I have.

I am scared. I am also, willing to go as far as I need to in order to find a little slice of happiness while questioning whether I deserve even that much.

EDIT: Part II

Just 6 hours prior, I typed this up in one fell swoop of a few minutes. It pretty much flowed freely. I linger through these emotions(exceptionally rare). Typically, there is a massive release. A certain grasping of acceptance. With this, the emotion on got heavier and made me feel less in control. Such a sensation...ennui...that's the word. Every single aspect of life is in a state of not meaning shit. Utterly senseless. I can't put a finger on what life matters. All of these attached meanings drag me down because I'm not doing anything but existing. Even if I were....back to the times when I flourished...I felt nothing but a sensation of worthlessness. Because I can't change the world for the better. Because, in the grand scheme of things, I'll struggle to find a way to pay my bills without selling myself. Again, more meaning that does little to establish a significance. All of this purposeless perception. Awareness.

I'm not really angry. I'm kinda not even sad but I'd at least cop to that. Put emotions on a grid and I'm somewhere between absolute apathy and disenchantment. Being happy single isn't really comparable to being sad together. I'm ecstatic with who I am. I don't like not having a career to be proud of but even if I had a career, the way my mind is set up, I'll deflate it down to purpose and perhaps, that is my biggest personal hurdle: self defeating thoughts. Then again, I'm not the kind of person that needs a lot of directions or motivation to work. If there is work to be done, I just do it. Unfortunately, I don't see work to be done. One lifetime can't correct 1,000's of errant lifetimes. I'm amazed at people. Simultaneously brilliant and arrogantly ignorant. Talking but never hearing what they, themselves are saying. Listening but never getting the point of communication. Complaining about a problem but never seriously searching for an answer. Having all the resources in the world at your fingertips and merely whining about it. I think I'm this way too. Probably why it is so bothersome.

Look, right now, if you were to talk to me, you would walk away feeling incredible about yourself. You'd feel alright about me. I care about people. I know how important it is to feel like people care. How important it is to be touched by people verbally and physically. I understand better than I thought I ever would. The world I see now...there's no way a lot of people see this world. Just, the field of vision...breath taking. If things like this continue to happen to my perception, I'll sincerely have an indomitable conversation game.

Where was I at? Trying to give a fuck when everything I learned is pushing me toward apathy and perhaps even antipathy. It all began at August's horribleness and my adjustments really only seemed to exacerbate my feeling of "lack". Maybe this is do or die and I gotta put effort into being something better than I am, currently. Maybe I'm in the throes of my greatest arrogance by believing I'm over arrogance. Who knows. I'll know in a few years. Also, my birthday is this month. One year older.

I had huge plans for this year that just passed. NOTHING WAS ACCOMPLISHED. What is life without a degree. What is life without the highest level of education. What is life with it? I'll still be brownskinned. I'll still be resistant to mainstream ideologies. I'll still opt out of group think. Fuck it, I'm going to seriously consider joining the ARMED FORCES. Life is pretty much to that point where my feeling of futility is defeating me. I should put this in someone elses hands. I'm clearly not cut out for this "doing grown shit alone" life.

I don't even know what emotion I have and trying to type it out is getting me nowhere. I miss the days where I useta lift my emotions away. Where I zoned out and focused on getting buff because being buff would solve all of my problems. All it did was brought me more problems. LOL. I'm being negative. Obviously...I should put down the keyboard and go do something physically exhausting. I want to go kill a shark, defang a tiger, punch a spear into the gut of a hippo. Idk...

Or perhaps, I need to re-align my meditation. I seem to have fallen out of the practice. Or maybe  something else is throwing me off. Actually, this typing shit out until I get a clue may have brought up a good idea. I need to run a diagnostic on myself to see what exactly is irking my perception. What is plaguing me. I think I'm around 3,000 words. If you've read it this far, I need to buy you a drink, a bouquet of flowers or a nice video game/good book.



THE PART YOU SHOULD'VE SKIPPED TO FROM THE TITLE:


Women love the idea of me. I'm a great guy by all accounts and I'm very gentle in how I treat others. I'm good looking, employable, intelligent and honest. Every woman I've ever loved has left me. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with each of them. Tried hard every single time. Two managed to get away via other countries. The last via another man. Cool. I've covered that countless times. Here's the new part: even the women I haven't loved have found a way to knock me down a peg.

I cannot recount the many times a woman fell for me hard only to flip a 180 in two weeks. Perhaps it's my personality. Same thing makes you laugh makes you cry. It has been happening a lot lately. I know folks have triggers but when you talk to new people it takes a ton of energy. To have a new person flip out and go apeshit because they didn't like the way something sounded without regard to whether it was totally acceptable...basically, women want men to be dumb and not notice anything. They want to feel like they get away with shit(if in your head you said men do it too, fuck you, I don't care what men do, I ain't tryna fuck them...).

If it isn't that, it's some other inane qualification based on shit that should barely be relevant. And I'm not mad at them for their preferences or standards or whatever folks are calling that fuckshit. Nobody pays attention to the critical aspects of a relationship. Fuck is compatibility? Agreeing on some shit that don't matter and ain't relevant even if it did matter? Children & spending habits. That's pretty much the only significant issues. Most the other shit is background. But the women I've been indulging? Oh, they get pissed because they have a topic they like to be ignorant about and I don't like justifying ignorance. I can't see everything I do that is ignorant but if you see something, point it out and I'll listen. What's the point of arguing? I want to be better. Tell me what you see that I don't. That's how the fuck I live up to my word. Not just say some shit and not even try to do it. Imma do my best. Nobody has shit to say. I mind my p's and q's. I'm working on my writing and structure but I'm also dealing with my writing related anxiety so it isn't as particularly easy as many other things. It's a weird sort of addiction to quitting unsettling spirits. It's strong like the sensation to avoid touching fire. It's strong. And a few times I reach through that sensation, it has been rewarding and debilitating. I get better and worse. So now I have a fear of the process. Why I barely typed anything over the summer.... The last few things? I didn't even go back over them...could be all kinds of typos and shit.

This one, I cracked back open and just started typing. I think I've been typing the edit for about an hour. This is a veritable book of rambles about a feeling of incompleteness and utter lacking. I touch many topics, inconclusively and resolving to put myself under a diagnostic to ascertain a finer impetus of this looming cloud of August's negativity.

All I got is FUCK...fuckity fuckity fuckity fuckity FUCK.
Yeah, I know...I didn't finish with the women...I think they were a distraction anyway. Just a lot of gelatinous emotions. Imma go start lifting heavy shit in a lot of repetitions until I can no longer do such. This shit is a horrible feeling. And I'd say tens of hundreds of times worse than being dumped by the "love of your life". The lacking strength of the sensations are what makes it so incredibly unnerving. It's everything negative about being human. Lol. Okay...maybe I'm being a bit dramatic in an attempt to excuse my bullshit rambling. So what! Lol

August was unbearable

I don't take break ups well at all. Even though I fight with everything I have to make relationships work, I haven't been able to sustain them. It could be said I'm picking the wrong women(which is still my responsibility). It could be a many a thing said about how the relationships progress and the weaknesses routed all up and through those joints(Yes, I reverted to excessive colloquialisms--bear with me, I'll straighten up, lol). But I suffer through the relationships with women who show a lot of disregard for my happiness. I suffer through women disrespecting me by not properly drawing the lines of communication with other men. I suffer through the break ups after they decide I'm no longer worth their time. I suffer when they contact me afterward because a part of me loved them so much that I couldn't find the words to tell them the extent it wouldn't disappear. And this August, that energy formed a grey cloud that followed me like a lost puppy.

Last October, I was madly in love with a light skinned, soul singing, intellectual mother of one. I was determined to marry her. I had struggled and fought through all of her bullshit, inappropriate hangings on, excuses, family issues, psychological problems....the redundant break ups she levied against actions I never took. I tried desperately to sustain it all. I had never had a relationship so dysfunctional that I was willing to fight for. She was awesome in my eyes. She had tons of flaws but those only made her more beautiful to me. She was easy to fall in love with but soon afterwards, she began punishing me for doing so much. Even after my common sense told me that she was poisonous(Poison was a favorite song of mine- looking back, such a potent foreshadowing) I kept fighting for the victory. I had finally gotten to a point where I knocked out all the other contenders and had her all to myself. Shit didn't last a fucking week. I was sent home, tears leaking from my eyes and utterly defeated with a glimmering of hope. See, she didn't close things off completely. She kept second guessing her decision. "I'm afraid you won't leave" one second and then the next "Please don't go!!! I want to work it out!!! Please stay!!!" to the next fuckin second "I'm sure you won't leave now but you need to go." Two weeks later I found out she was engaged. I was sick. That lasted about 16 hours. That's when Black Pearl hit me up. I don't know if she was lying or just whatever but her interest in me sparked a thirst for survival. I needed her in that moment and I will be forever grateful because I don't know how far I would have sunk without her. Her timing was impeccable.

The arrival of Black Pearl was the revival of positivity. I realized I was free from my struggle. I felt free. It was the best turn around I ever made after a break up. And this was promising to be my worst break up ever because...well...I never put so much energy into a woman prior to this. With my new found lease on life, it seemed like every day was getting brighter. There was the occasional set back but shit, it's life, it ain't about to be perfect. From December forward, I had to figure out who I had become. Up through February, I'd break out in random bouts of crying. Those bouts were few(I think 3 times overall and all tied to John Mayer's "slow dancing in a Burning Room" which seemed like the perfect summation of my experience). The other days were as if I had no issues. Then we get to April, May, June & July and the ex that nearly endangered my life by being insecure in her decision, decides she wants to contact me. I'm not here for it. I ignore her twice and admonish her once. I reinforce how the past is the past and I just want to move forward. It's clear she didn't give a damn. She did what she wanted. Cool.

But the last time she contacted me, it was under the guise of her needing my assistance in particular. Only problem is it was an old problem. Nothing new. One I had spoken on several hundred times prior. I patiently gave her very similar words and told her I couldn't give anything better than that unless she refined the difficulty to something precise. Meanwhile, she's alluding to how well she's doing and how nobody criticizes her anymore. This sounds like one of her 'super high level' manipulative apologies where she makes you feel bad for her actions. I've seen it too many times to not know the bitterness it leaves in my mouth. I ignore her jabs. I don't give a fuck. I'm merely trying to uphold my old school pledge to always show love to somebody I loved. I felt taken advantage of again. After the communication had ended I almost rescinded my pledge. But these moments are what set the stage for August.

Just five days after I interacted with her, August began. I wanted to get more serious about a job search and fixing a few of my vehicles. I haven't given much of a damn about that because I don't have high hopes for what I have qualifications. I don't really want to do that stuff anymore and my recent applications to grad school came back "Denied". It's my fault for being such a piss poor student. Really, it's amazing I made it this far. The only real effort I put in was in pleading to be allowed to continue. The educational system is horribly archaic. I don't know if I have ADD but it sure as hell feels like it because I have always struggled with anxiety when I sat down to do homework. Only subjects I did exceedingly well in were Biology, English, Certain Maths, & Philosophy. Anyway, before I get too distracted, August had me in its clutches and it decided it was going to smother me with ambiguous emotions. I didn't even notice that I was being swallowed alive. Luckily, Black Pearl popped out to save me again. She'll never know how much of a super hero she is to me. She says I'm the same for her...I believe it. She said her August was rough too. Makes sense to me. This month came with more craptacular developments than is necessary.

I'll tell you, I don't remember much of August. I poured myself into twitter and talking with as many women as I can. Women are the the primary encouraging forces in my life. Always amazing. Five days into August, a woman flips on me. I was correcting a horribly conflated inaccuracy. It was ignorant. I called it like I saw it. She got pissed and called me fakesmart. Clearly she held a lot of pride in the connection she had drawn. I don't really know if I could have taken it easier. She had her pride in the wrong place. Superficially supported by stating shit that cannot be corroborated by fact. There was simply no way to substantiate that bullshit. No reason to get mad behind. It should be harmless to be corrected there. Even harshly although I was gentle. I guess that part is up for debate but I used passive/suggestive language. So...yeah...she was just tired of being called dumb. She was dumb. But we all are. What you do from there is what matters. Anyway, I was enjoying her quite a bit prior to that. We played video games together sometimes. After that, I stopped playing video games again. I had to block her on every social media she crept her way on to. She was really cool at first but got crazed from her lack of confidence. It resonated the tones of August I already had  bouncing around my head. I was disappointed. A week later, the Control verse from K.Dot hit the net. I THREW myself at that. It just didn't last long enough.

So, I turn back to women, slightly energized. I meet a real sweet heart. She has a great temperament. Doesn't get offended because I laugh at any and everything. She is sharp and understands my shit. This was virtually the only improvement in August. She is fun to talk with. Outside of that, my trying to work myself into a positively working person has been a large failure. The cycle I'm in has to be an addiction cycle. I keep giving myself relief. Not holding myself accountable. I changed my tweets to try and talk it in So, I'm back to feeling shitty about myself. Although, feeling shitty is probably not comparable to actually feeling shitty. It's more like acknowledging that I could do much better.

So, here we are, August. I've probably been called a faggot more times than ever in my entire life.But I was born in September so I'm expecting a much better month. If it is anything like August, I'll do my very best to get shoulder deep and work it all out. I'm not living another month of this shit. August was un fucking fun.

5 questions

I have poured my emotion into this blog when it overflowed to the extent that tears threatened to flow forth. At times, I hide some aspects behind allusions to hide my shame. Other times, I am raw with the honesty. Often, I feel stupid and hideously so, at that. However, this is my journal.

I know I'll be judged. I know some of these emotions are scary. I know some people cannot respect what I do here. Really, that eventually became fine to me. As shy as I have been my entire life. My insecurity has been virtually limitless. From thinking my nose was too big to having unattractive women decline my advances to questioning the size of my manhood to question the inherent goodness of my black skinned soul. It ceases to be feelings of 'inadequacy in self' and transmogrifies itself as 'blame of others'.

No longer is it "I'm just not good enough." Suddenly, it is "They just don't like me." While that may be the reality, to put thoughts in such phrasing is emblematic of the same fundamental issues. Just another branch on the same tree. Operating from the same cracked foundation. Perhaps, that is growth but it is insufficient.

In the recent years, it has been the mission to tell it how I see it. Oddly, before that was the mission, it is the only way I knew. But disagreements make me sick to my stomach. I don't want to fuss, fight and exchange about things that won't change regardless of opinion. Politics, Religion...in fact, it's better to frame it as social beliefs. Those things make little sense to exchange on at this point. Ignorance reigns and always will.

Ever more importantly, to think about anything other than personal desires and the process by which those will be accomplished seems to be a poor application of one's desperately limited times. All of this thinking and feeling and learning, has become a distraction. Where do I want to be? What do I want to be? How do I want to live. Who do I want to live with? When, however, is obvious.

The time is now.

A thought on legacy

My mother has a house in the suburbs of a rural area of the northwest. Green is all around, all the time.

My father has a house in the suburbs of a metropolitan area of the southeast. Green is all around, all the time.

Regardless of whom I visit, my body is filled with warmth. Perhaps, a truth I take for granted.
When other families are fragmented by the cruel reality, I was blessed to have a family for even a limited time.

There is no measure of gratitude for the small joys of life. And I bare my soul for family. Some say that's real. I think without regard to it. I do it selfishly; chasing growth and understanding. I want to pass it on just in case I manage to produce a child of my own. I want to give something greater than physical love and more meaningful to pursue.

Not to debase love, at all. I presume my love is granted.

I have a puppy. The way I dote over her makes me feel silly and hopelessly emotional. I purely cherish her and enjoy each interaction. The amount of protective demon that summons from within when she's in danger is uncanny because I made light of people who put the life of a dog before the life of a human. Now I do it. Silly me. I simply cannot resist. I mean, she's my family.

It's the existence. Unwilling to relinquish my claim, I fight for family; today, tomorrow, whenever necessary & to pass on the importance of protecting your own at all costs, all the time.

Too Many Times

I am currently living in the moment when a realization fundamentally changes the way you interact with others. I had hoped that this particular day would never come. Unfortunately, it was in my evolution. This way, fear seems like foreshadowing.

In the past, I have been a bit dramatic. The type that can keep a personal journal but refuses to do so for academics. Indulging in the emotional aspects instead of the incremental observations that require massive amounts of discipline. Even as I began blogging, nearly three years ago, I was an emotional ball of mess and hurt. I have had a fair amount of emotional turbulence and conflicting desires. At times, it was extremely easy to hoist the blame on the other involved parties. It was incredibly easy to point the finger but it was much more difficult to accept responsibility for purchasing a ticket to the very same disturbing "show" that inspired the complaints.

After a few years of that practice, it was becoming tedious to continue complaining as if the bulk of the responsibility went to someone else; as if I wasn't more responsible for my involvement. Feeling like being reasonable was the adjudicator of what must transpire, I operated on a false-faith of interaction, unknowingly leashing and limiting the behavioral responses. The path was set in my mind the way things would proceed. Comically, humans aren't so reliable. The woman I was with detested this practice of mine, secretly. She didn't know how to put it into words and I couldn't figure out why she was mad BECAUSE I WAS BEING REASONABLE. I never considered that my sanity would drive her insane. I digress.

Hindsight affords a certain level of retrospective focus that the moment cannot possibly sustain. The distance does help in every way. It is not impossible to be objective but experience is gaining information that was previously unavailable. Needless to say, if you're reading this, it is most likely that you know the situation I mentioned ended with heartbreak. That heartbreak was the red pill. Took a long time for the effect to get through to me but the idea is that it was one heartbreak too many for me.

An unavoidable truth has swooped down upon me, seized me within its claws and carried me away with its wings. From this height, the highest peaks are seemingly leagues beneath my feet. All of the mainstream socially reasonable reactionary tactics, that were my primary means of interaction, became immature child's play. It became clear that maturity wasn't in the mere practice of reasoning but in the application of curing the illnesses affecting communication. In that sense, being reasonable was counterproductive to resolving conflict.

Perhaps the logic is beginning to twist and distort but what is incomprehensible to one is an informative and fortuitous occurrence for another. Preparation is key to recognition of opportunity. And that's where all of this comes to a head. I have been touching fire, getting burned and not realizing that the pain is due my personal decisions. I now fully accept that. And I won't touch that fire again.

To be absolutely forthright, I cannot be sure how my interactions will manifest in the future. Every day seems to be a valuable chance for growth. I take the opportunity to push myself. And more so in knowing why and less of automaton-esque reasoning.

What I do know is, when a woman begins to wrap her fingers around my heart like the ever expanding grapevines expanding reach, I'll know to ignore that aspect of being wrapped in love and focus on hardening my resolve to being who I planned on being the entire time. No longer content to fit a mold or to be molded. My love has been broken too many times while doing it somebody else's way. I was the only one meant to lead from the beginning. And it is about time I let that ring true with my actions.