Look, I remember when I lived in Germany and I fell in love with this little Puerto Rican girl. I was bit with the love bug so hard. I was so nervous. People useta make fun of me. I didn't mind that much but I was too afraid to approach her. A simp from a young age. Whatdya do about that? Well, without a father, whatever you can manage.
I kept my attachment cycle going in silent. I grew more and more patient. Then, I got courage. Well, it was more like I was tired of not giving the girls a say in it. I kept running into girls that liked me but I never let them know that their feelings were reciprocated. I know, it's weird that I did it. It's weird that I remember it. It's weird that I'm even mentioning it. Fuck that. It's fun for me to remember all of the beautiful faces that I've appreciated. All the women I put on a pedestal. All the horrible human things they've done.
See, I don't blame a single one of them for being human. I may vent from time to time but I don't take it personal because it isn't. It is what they wanted. But there isn't a woman who hurt me intentionally. Well, one but she's still so in love with me years later that I feel for her. She was a great girl too. And I hurt her first. I crushed her reality. But this ain't 'bout that. I learned, grew up and moved on. We all have faults. I'm human too. Any Way.
It was most likely due all of the cartoons and movies I consumed but I had this really thick sense of morality & chivalry. It lingers. There are some things I have simply made my mind up to always do, regardless of where I'm at in life. My mother has gotten so many compliments for raising me. She raised some gentle boys. But my point is that I used love as motivation. I used accomplishment in physical tasks as a way to merit my personal worth to the women I was interested in. That mess almost never worked. Although, I was always popular in school. It was more of my disagreement with the other students that inspired me to sorta keep to my lonely. It was a beautiful thing. I liked the silence. I liked not needing to interact on something completely pointless. And this may be a surprise but life in school is precisely like life after school with the change in choices of consumption or work. The interpersonal dynamics are what I'm referring to. Those dynamics almost never change.
I hate it. I hate interacting with people that refuse to mature beyond backstabbing and popularity contests. I could play the game now just like I could have played it then but there is still something I don't get because today, I realized, the reason I can withstand so much emotional abuse is that I use love as a motivating factor. What causes me joy can never cause me enough pain unless you compromise the joy. That's why my standards are set the way they are. I'll go back to a woman no matter what as long as there were no other men involved. I hate feeling less than and other men are always playing the pissing match game. Always saying some irrelevant shit that shouldn't mean anything to anybody. But they find a way to make irrelevant shit seem like the world. This is why other guys cannot be involved in my loves in the least. Friends, cool. Brothers, fathers cool. But sharing a lady? Fuck outta here. That's my motivation.
If I love a woman, no matter my pain, Imma get out of bed and run for what ever will help us be together. It's too strong an urge. EVERY OTHER URGE is one tenth the strength. This is why I can say, I'll never do .....again and stick to it. Because I am that focused on love. Not pussy. Not sex. But love. And from a very young age. I don't have a problem with that. I'm no idiot. And if I had a real issue, I'd know what to do to handle it. This last relationship was the closest I've come to implosion. And this girl was awesome. I mean, she is making the school newspaper every other month. She is receiving money from anonymous donors. She is getting jobs that she isn't qualified for. AND I DATED HER FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS BUT STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW. LOL. Sometimes, I think I was way out of my weight class. Lol. Be that as it may, I grew rapidly because of the shit I was put in constantly. Look, my point is, that while I was in love with her, my tendency to overcome everything and beast circumstance eroded. She just quantum fucked my mojo away. Lol. And I can already feel it oozing back into place. I can feel the motivation for love returning to my finger tips. Commanding my tongue. Sparking my wit. And augmenting my new additions of growth and maturity. But I ain't tryna brag or show off. That's why I'm typing this way. Sorta of informally and colloquially filled.
Basically, I found another way to do the same old thing; to be motivated by love without a proxy. I don't need an agent. Without an agent, I formerly didn't care. When I had an agent, I would get A's. When I was conflicted, I got C's. This last girl was the epitome of conflict. Look off of that. It's about my transition back into strength. No matter what comes my way. No matter what I need to go through. I will not lose sight of who I am. Who I have grown into being. While I don't fully have myself mapped out; I'm no longer afraid of the awesome that I can create. I'm no longer stuck on the minutia. I am a man that knows his "self". A man "realized".
Going over that "girls I loved for ammunition to make it through my days phase" was painful as shit. But that's just who I was. I will always be that person even after I change.
I live to interact with women. I love them. I love fruit. I love the fuckin lamp. I love lovin shit. I breathe love. I am motivated by love. The more love I am offered; the more love I create. I'm back on my bullshit. Non violence, non violence. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.
What am I listening to nowadays? Miguel...that freaky lil half black/half mexican has some freaky lil songs. John Mayer. Yo, that dude. He's dope. Got White man rhythm but he is dope as fuck. I'm probably going to get back into Van Hunt and Yazarah. Janelle Monae. Erykah Badu and Lauryn Hill. D'angelo. Jamie Foxx maybe. JILL MUTHA LOVIN SCOTT. NO Doubt. OUTKAST. Ghostface Killah be killin these tracks. Pac ain't really got shit for me to hear anymore but that man raised me with music. Kanye KRACKS. I'm trying to avoid rappers that mention themselves in either third person or every third bar. That means Nas is out. LOL. Rakim. is out. BUSTA is in. Twista will have a small part. One HIT WONDERS. Ray J. cool with me. Dream. Cool with me. Ginuwine was that dude. Look PRINCE.
GIRLS LIKE YOU, REMIND ME THAT I'M LONELY....REMIND ME THAT I'M Looooohhhooonnnnneeelllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! That's my shit. That shit jams with the techno-esque beat. It just hits that spot.
Anyway, somewhere in there, I tried to make a point about breathing love. That's what I came here for. What ever it takes to get where I need to be. Starting when I wake up, regardless of the world I wake up in.
Let's go and get this work in.
Morning wake up routine, beginning in a few hours?
50 pushups.
100 lunges
100 squats into calf extensions
ten minutes of stretching
:)
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