Grasping Insecurity

During this just passed week, there were two days in which I could have barely felt more insecure. I questioned & doubted every aspect of my life that I came to experience. That sucked. The sensation was unexpected and overwhelming. The days after that, I was brimming with confidence. Nothing could tear me down and even the doubts I experienced were no more unsettling than a gentle breeze. I question whether these are the beginnings of a psychosis or neurosis. I can comfortably question myself & sanity because there is nothing intimidating about sanity (or the lack thereof)to me. I began writing an overview of a fantasy novel. Not sure why, but I truly felt compelled. It was barely 400 words. I want to get to at least 10,000 words before I begin sharing too much about the ideas. For all I know, there is already a movie in the works. But I'm going to continue with my ideas until I can no longer swear to being the composer/originator/creator. A great deal of my thoughts of lack were focused on my skill. In every sense, I felt inadequate. I felt worthless. Coming up from the Nadir to hit a Zenith and slowly but surely level off doesn't seem very normal. I have needed to regulate my emotions for quite some time. Dating back to childhood, I didn't have much in the way of coddling. I wish I had. I wished for more hugs and asked for them. I rarely received them. Now, women call me clingy. I'll be that. I need what I need. And I do not need some woman who cannot accept that part of me. Insecurity and all aside, I cannot imagine being any other way than I am. I wouldn't like that person as much as I like this one. And I realize that I've been rambling. Well, looks like today was a day to vent. Meh well.

If I were to study the graphs of my emotional state, I wonder what the readout would illustrate. Would it be of a predominantly happy person, prone to paroxysms? Or, would it be of a morose, ponder prone & pensive panderer? At the moment, only God knows. And that's if you believe in him.

Law of Man

I will never understand the "law of man". It nearly voids the humanity of any person who errs against. A self righteous application despite moral deficits make it a very subjective "thing". Moreover, I view the "Law of Man" as such: the flock is bred and born into a system with which they are herded constantly. The "grayer" sheep stray while the "black" sheep are ostracized. The "white" sheep are the flow & follow of the flock. Often, the "grayer" sheep are mistaken for the "black" sheep and treated as such. Thereby invalidating their humanity. It ain't hard to tell or is it? The breakdown: The white sheep are the mindless drones of narrow-minded, often religious fanatic, ne'er do great but perennial do well types; the grayer sheep are those who either learned to think for themselves or simply became rebels without a cause because of the apparent flaws in the white sheep & the black sheep are those among us who are socially broken, derelict and despicable. I have a brother that is incarcerated. He will have no life if he manages to survive until his release date and the worst part of all is that he wasn't but a bystander to a third rate crime against a compromised party, who had all the motive for subterfuge that one would need. Nobody was murdered, scarred or diminished to crime and yet his life is virtually forfeit. If we had money, his life would have been lived without the weight of iron prison bars. His pain is my pain. I grew up without a father and the closest thing I had lay with him as he sleep. But he was gone by my twelfth birthday. The system is flawed and designed to target those with a permanent color to their skin. Why? I truly do not know. I have several thoughts on the matter. Blacks are more likely to push the limits. As bad as this sounds, I feel as if there remains a residual tone of resentment from slavery and the restrictions of the Jim Crow laws. There seems to be a flow of ingenuity coursing through the belly of the Black diaspora. When we have greater percentages both locked up for illegal inventiveness and praised for scientific dedication. Given that the greater percentage of the U.S. is White, the vast majority of inventions should hail from that demographic but clearly, necessity is the mother of invention, not Susie Q. Excuse me, I am not race baiting so much as I am clarifying that the focus of the law is wrong and that what it seems to be directed at is an underlying fear of inferiority at Black minds and potential instead of criminals and crime. I am biased. There is not a single doubt in that. My life has been thrown into a non-essential struggle based merely on the happening of a genetically predetermined chromatic institution called: black mother, black child. All I can do is laugh because even when I lose, all I do is win.

Pay my dues

I paid my dues. Got nowhere from whence I came. Basically, I am where I started. Older. Hopeless. Feeling helpless. If I learned from my lessons and still exist directionless, then what could I possibly have learned? Imbalanced people keep tugging hard on one side and pull me off balance. I cannot, will not & refuse to help anyone else. Going for mine. Going for broke. Sick to my stomach.

Few Words to Share

I have been fairly quiet in this, the Western Calendar year 2012. Why? Because I have come to not need to express myself. I do not really know. I am deeply emotional. Still. Constantly reassessing my actions and my thoughts. I want to illicit the kind of response from people that reflect my passionately earned worth. Yet, it mostly seems fruitless. I am very poor. I am not poor at all. <---Both statements are true. I am very lonely. I am deeply in love with a woman and we grow closer every day. <--Again, both statements are true. I am a happy and self-sufficient individual. I cannot live without others, it makes me miserable. <--- I am sure you get the point by now. On this sojourn of life & living, I have sought the sage of stoicism and been learned in these detached skills. The reproach is that I lose the essence of humanity that others can intuit & interpret. I appear crazy before their eyes. This creates a balancing act of how to avoid apathy but not fully succumb to empathy. Such a frustrating fulcrum of interaction. I need the work to be precise. Anyhow, the few people oblivious and blind enough to be content to avoid working on improving themselves(especially expressed as a sentiment of futility) are both lucky & pitiable. Again, I do not have much to contribute today but soon I will. The tides of energy are changing. I am slowly being pulled back to my printed tears. The memoirs of an emotionally incoherent blabber-make. Wish me well and I will do so much for you in return. Ciao besos

I was upset until...

I was mad. I was upset. I was angry.

I felt disrespected. I felt unappreciated. I felt so many different ways and it overwhelmed me. I was crumbling under the pressure. I had no where to turn. I had already used all of my resources to make it this far. I'm a silly guy. This way I feel in my chest betrays the reality of the situation: I did everything I could and didn't lose out.

I refused to squander any situation or any amount of time. I was a self-sustained cold fusion machine of passion, desire, presence & drive. And I was fed upon as suckers usually are. It embittered me boldly as such pains typically do. Instead of falling to the urge; I rose to one knee and decided to see it through. This is where I decided to discard the bitterness of being made to feel as a lesser individual had left me with. This is the most important step. Acceptance & understanding. Not some false apathetic boisterous facade of machismo and remnants of a broken heart . I'm stronger than any person could break. I'm always going to search to overcome.

I took a moment of pause and surveyed my long held nemesis. When I had acquired whatever I deemed necessary to feel contented with my inquiry, I sat back and exhaled. "Oh, yeah." I let loose with the next fall of my chest. I gave them value, validity and worth. My intentions weren't good enough for these people but their intentions were supposed to be enough for me. I find the hypocrisy incredibly humorous. I find the fact that they could not observe the hypocrisy even more humiliating for themselves and hilarious to me. And I thought, "Why am I so upset that these people are stupid?".

I'm smart because I pay attention. I'm intelligent because I paid my tuition and made sure to get something out of it. I'm aware because I removed my head from my ass in order to interact with the World as it is; instead of attempting to change the World to fit my tiny little brain. Perhaps, the best way to cover the topic at hand is to put it within the constraints of capacity. I'm deeper, wider and faster flowing than most anyone I've ever seen. And this is considering that I haven't seen barely anybody at their best. (You may be thinking something along the lines....who am I kidding? Your mind is probably blank or thinking about the benign at the moment).

So, this boils down to being about how I learn just how valuable I am day in and day out. How rare it is to be a man who can see the World the way I do. I once thought I was merely "different", but I have come to learn that I am simply "epic". I am a singularity. I am a brilliant spectacle to be held in a captivating marvel. You & anyone you came with are fair to disagree, that is fine and dandy. I, however, have been proven as a different type of being.

Matter of fact, I'm not simply being. I'm not simply doing or existing. I couldn't even agree that I'm living either. I. AM. LIFE.
As I type that, the unease in my chest is dwindling rapidly. As I type, my chagrin and feelings of disparity are resolving themselves. I have time. If I don't have time; I still have time. Why? Because I have now. Now is all that ever mattered anyway. I was upset until that point.

Bickering with a Wall or the Wind

I'm still fairly young & arrogant. Part of my issues with progress are deeply rooted in interactions with others. This is closely related to the constant miscommunication, inaccuracies & short sighted beliefs of others.
I am by no means asserting that, I am the all knowing or infallible but others act without the minimal humility required to interact with humanity. Thus, annoying the living tarnations out of me.
In the effort of becoming the best "me", I seek to veer away and beyond the emotional limitations that I've become accustomed with. More than simply not arguing; more than simply avoiding social conflicts & more than quieting the qualms whirling about my consciousness. This is about charisma, or the lack thereof. This is about swagger, or the lack thereof. This is deeper than self improvement...

But first, I need to get through this unflappable sense of integrity, right & wrong, intelligence & ultimately- worth. I do not feel the urge to fight until I feel violated. Once that violation occurs, I sense a strong need to stand up for myself. Once that happens, it is the warrior form that engages with brutal edges.
I remember the indignation I experienced vicariously while reading disparaging remarks from one to another, while perusing a blog site. I'd do so as the soft hearted defender of the weak & unwilling. I engaged the perpetrator to great purport & infamy. While, I found merit in my task, I've come to understand just how worthless my endeavor was.
Being grown or mature is certainly not simple or easy to explain. Look into the career works of activists & social workers; there are moments where an argument is the only manner in which others will respond. Unfortunate but true. Sometimes, people wish to engage in arguments like some gladiator sort; merely for a chance to make you look lesser.

I'll only say that uncivilized minds choose rules of engagement that are based on feelings & words, rather than facts & willingness to humbly communicate honestly. Poor beta minded males can't catch a break. Trying so hard to be something that they never earned the right to be. Dress as the wolves all you like but regardless of your costumes fidelity to the real thing, you will only ever be a facsimile; a mere imitation; a pretender to the throne.

I worked hard to become something worth others investing emotion. I may only be a beta myself but I became a loner/outcast in order to toughen up my view a dependency. Betas that don't work towards it, cannot over come their weak designation in life, with women. These are my primary antagonist. I no longer understand or relate to their limitations. They cannot even comprehend my views. They are talking emotionally, like little kids on the playground. My goal, is to use them as a stepping stone. I will reach a much higher understanding of maturity & growth on the backs of these hapless beta males. Wish me luck!

Sage's Ten Rules of Engagement

1. This is a moment. Don't ever allow the moment to be greater than your life.

2. Focus on your goal so intensely that nothing that happens can detour you from completing your goal.

3. Maintenance is among the most important character traits about your individual.{ASIDE to Maintenance is Mental, Physical, Emotional & Spiritual(including clothing and specialists visits)}.

4. Think beyond your current obstacles. If you are driving, drive ten seconds ahead. If you are fighting thinking through the counters.

5. Never break form. Poise is of huge importance. Propriety is a necessity. Keep it simple. Keep it cogent.

6. Have contingency plans. People will work to diminish you both unconsciously & inadvertently. Don't take it personal. It ain't.

7. Do not make excuses. You can learn from everything; that is your silver lining. Find it by any means necessary.

8. Have a limit. Create a point(based on reliable information) that you refuse to forge beyond. Sunk Cost Fallacy.

9. Any person who gives you time or energy, is showing you love. See it as love. Do not become confused by the exterior form.

10. Don't get caught. Before you spring your most critical strikes, whether in secret or in the open, avoid conspicuous positioning.


Everybody is bound to have variances in their personal Rules of Engagement. These are mine. Tailored to my sensibilities, etiquette & dispositions. If you disagree, keep it to yourself. I am without equal & my word will not be compromised by your flawed opinions.