I've been reading nonstop for the last few days. Many different short stories. Amazing depth in very few pages. Such wonderful emotions. Not unlike a year ago when I was stuck watching a Korean Drama by the title "My Girlfriend is a Gumiho"(9 tailed fox demon). Like with that, it was the remarkable emotion that ensnared my attention. I was utterly captivated. Nobody could understand my fascination. I suppose my heart was leaking emotion and I was steadily attempting to pour more in than what poured out. It felt like a success. I finished the series and felt reinvigorated. It was a sham. Still, I desired it deeply.
I do not truly believe I am alone in this pursuit. Some other person authored it after all. And it made it to my eyes so others have consumed it after all. I know I am not alone. There are thousands of people who, like me, are absolutely fascinated with the emotion contained therein. This year, I have turned to an older, more underdeveloped form of myself. The one where I would read for hours on end to soothe the pains of my existence. I'm not so tortured as I am not able to properly breathe. I am sick. Not physically. Not really emotionally. However, conceptually the argument can be made that my sickness is the epitome of who I am. Instead of saying "I am sick", the sentence should be "I am Sick". And I've said it far too many times. It is how I truly feel. This great unease...dis-easing of consciousness will never heal itself. And there is nothing to be done to bring cessation to this giant pit of emptiness.
They say people study Psychology because they want to figure out what is wrong with self. For years, this has been something I denied. How can I deny it any longer? The statement is an umbrella that pegs curiosity as a motivation; as an egocentric, self-importing way to say "fuck studying the world, I'm interested in myself". This is what I've done. I have yielded much maturity and growth but nothing in the manner of results. But, let's not come to a point of confusion. The amount of joy I experience on any given day is sufficient for life & death. I am satisfied with simply acknowledging that such a love exist. I still crave it. Is desiring such affection incorrect? The answer does not matter. I have decided for myself that nothing is wrong.
I suppose this, in my mental representation, is akin to standing at the mouth of a giant hole that extends deeper than sight with any amount of light and any amount of magnification. And at that mouth, you stand there, tossing in effort attempting to fill that void. No effort is large enough to overcome that requirement. There is no way to fill the emptiness. Who has the courage to stand there, throwing effort into nothingness while knowing the result will not change? I have seen many people come to a point where they settle for less. Where somehow, better than the best is not as good.
I have spent time on people who did not deserve it as to learn how precious my time is to me. I have spent my resources on those who did not appreciate it as to learn to be willing to part with what is scant to me. I have spent my emotion to heal people just for the sake of their smile because that is pleasure for me. I sought to become an admirable man because that is how I could respect me. I have been honest to a detriment and cost myself physical pleasures because I could not suppress my desire to be free of hurtful lies. And still, in very many ways, I violated the same pretenses I had hoped to uphold.
I do not have the words to better bare my soul. These are the best words I have. I understand that my comprehension is only so developed and that my utilization is yet further behind. I feel no frustration in that. I am grateful & appreciative to have come so far. Still, I want more.
This story...these many stories have stirred a great passion which pains me. I have no knowledge of how to acquire what it is that I need. I just know that I must act. I must move. I must for time has been ticking and tocking relentlessly. Every day, the limit gets a little closer and none of these emotions can free me from it. I must do everything in my power to fill that void with effort.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I did not like this week
I have problems. Most of, if not all of my problems can be traced back to one person; myself. It would be silly of me to displace the responsibility for my actions onto some other existence simply because it's convenient. I could have done better. As a result of my failure to do better I have had a week, for which, I do not much care.
We will not delve into the details. Less be said, they were expensive and incredibly rapid penalties for my lack of dutiful preparation. Everything was avoidable. It simply...yeah. Feels like I can't catch a break. Really, I am the person standing in my "own" way.
It's really a cycle of failure that has the gravitational pull of Jupiter and I got a pogo stick with big dreams. It feels hopeless. My attitude has improved over the last few hours. I don't typically stay down too long. But I go down often. I bounce back, stronger than ever only to fall to some new, unseen consequence of being born without all of the answers or resources. Money, money, money.
I wonder if I would feel this upset if I didn't have to deal with the responses that being black brings with it? I seriously do ponder. I know every single person has issues. I know that some of these issues are exacerbated for absolutely no reason at all. But then again, some of these issues have reasons and are perpetuated by extension of some secretly held bias. Well, either way, I didn't come to say "Oh, I'm just a poor black boy. Please take pity on me."
I came to vent my difficulty to some degree and keep it pushing. Things happen. The amount of control is comparable to the amount of purposeful preparation. I failed to plan. I'm reaping those benefits even when such is detrimental. One day, I will turn tragedy to triumph. Rather, I should say, I'll do it again. Bet!
We will not delve into the details. Less be said, they were expensive and incredibly rapid penalties for my lack of dutiful preparation. Everything was avoidable. It simply...yeah. Feels like I can't catch a break. Really, I am the person standing in my "own" way.
It's really a cycle of failure that has the gravitational pull of Jupiter and I got a pogo stick with big dreams. It feels hopeless. My attitude has improved over the last few hours. I don't typically stay down too long. But I go down often. I bounce back, stronger than ever only to fall to some new, unseen consequence of being born without all of the answers or resources. Money, money, money.
I wonder if I would feel this upset if I didn't have to deal with the responses that being black brings with it? I seriously do ponder. I know every single person has issues. I know that some of these issues are exacerbated for absolutely no reason at all. But then again, some of these issues have reasons and are perpetuated by extension of some secretly held bias. Well, either way, I didn't come to say "Oh, I'm just a poor black boy. Please take pity on me."
I came to vent my difficulty to some degree and keep it pushing. Things happen. The amount of control is comparable to the amount of purposeful preparation. I failed to plan. I'm reaping those benefits even when such is detrimental. One day, I will turn tragedy to triumph. Rather, I should say, I'll do it again. Bet!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Organize your thoughts
What is organization?
n] Show IPA
In my eyes "organization" is a form of preparation that allows for events and constructs to develop smoothly. In essence one should prepare their thoughts. I think I'm horrible at this. I wish I weren't. I am arriving at the cusp of change.
I began blogging nearly 3 years ago. I did not expect anyone to ever read any of it. I felt like my voice would go largely ignored because I had nothing "relevant" to share. I don't really like talking about other people too much. And the vast majority of my entries have been about the emotional difficulties I face while interacting with others. In some ways, there has been tremendous growth. In other ways, I don't really care all that much to be grown if I perceive a pointless threat. I may simply respond in kind. It is not that I do not know better but it is more that, given my current outlook, some approaches yield a better result. The worst part of it all is that my application isn't nearly clever enough. I'm fairly impatient about everything I do but outwardly I seem undisturbed. I want, want, want & want. Frustration would cause me some great discomfort. Now, I rarely allow myself to become frustrated. I try my best to remain in a state of preparation which allows me to react with the most appropriate response.
In order to get to that point, I made an effort to outline some extreme situations and then determined how I would respond. The easiest was violence. I'm a lucid dreamer so I did this in my sleep. This gave me ample time to consider my weaknesses in hand-to-hand combat and the importance of a proper response in unarmed vs armed scenarios. I made sure to tie in memories and compare my abilities with my senses. When given a complication that requires information that I currently don't have, I devised a way to break down the complication by what it effects. Like a linguist when they break down a word. Anyway, it was in this manner that I began to organize myself for events that are fairly likely to happen but have yet to happen.
Very little can remove the surprise but much can be done to remove the latency between occurrence and reaction. One thing that I have had the most issue with is communication. I don't know if it is because I spend so little time talking to people about people or concepts but I often find that I have no idea how I want to say what I want to say. Perhaps, I am trying to actively recall too significant a portion of experience but I should be capable to recall the world & all of her infinite mysteries. This is the miracle of humanity. Or maybe my delusion of grandeur. All the same, I know a lot but I don't spend enough time to put each duck in a row. So, I come off as passionate as compared to "well read". I have even caught myself echoing this thought for the last few years even when my passionate is beginning to appear more lukewarm fire than blazing inferno of dedication.
A troll. That is what lukewarm gives the impression of. Trying to be sincere in every situation. Silence had done wonders until I threw it upon the wayside of life. Now, I speak first and strongly so. Nothing appears to be prepared aside from the conflict mitigation strategies.
I remember, almost never thinking. Vastly misconstrued as a steady thinker when in fact the echoes of the whispering winds flowing through my ears form a most spectacular section of flutes. At night, focus is so amazing that homework could be done, although, not entire assignments just whatever problems I carried into dreamland with me.
At this age, I am desperately trying to understand what blocked my ability to understand things in an academic setting. I really have no idea what was so difficult to grasp. In what great many ways have I been cheated. Perhaps, I simply didn't have the strength for it. I desperately needed a different approach to intelligence, information and education. This current system was horrible for me. Such was not in my fortunes. Too bad there is only one me. The next me could be an intellectual beast. Not that I'm too shabby the way things are now. I could have read many more books; actually done my math homework; taken the time to force my instructors to do their jobs. I was so unfairly immature. I needed to be broken from my sheltered world. It really was a disservice. Maybe I'm here today because of that. All I know is that I need to start from square one if I want to get things organized now. And that's fine. Such an endeavor should only take me a few months. The entire k-12 education. I think this is a challenge I want to accept. <---if you cannot discern, I just devised the idea in that sentence. I'm type-thinking. And I'm reminded of Billy Madison.
The moral is to organize your thoughts so that you aren't caught off guard. Who are you but the person in the moment. Unless that interferes with you enjoying your life. Enjoy your life.
or·gan·i·za·tion
[awr-guh-nuh-zey-shuhn] Show IPA
noun
1.
2.
3.
something that is organized.
4.
5.
a group of persons organized for some end or work; association: a nonprofit organization.
In my eyes "organization" is a form of preparation that allows for events and constructs to develop smoothly. In essence one should prepare their thoughts. I think I'm horrible at this. I wish I weren't. I am arriving at the cusp of change.
I began blogging nearly 3 years ago. I did not expect anyone to ever read any of it. I felt like my voice would go largely ignored because I had nothing "relevant" to share. I don't really like talking about other people too much. And the vast majority of my entries have been about the emotional difficulties I face while interacting with others. In some ways, there has been tremendous growth. In other ways, I don't really care all that much to be grown if I perceive a pointless threat. I may simply respond in kind. It is not that I do not know better but it is more that, given my current outlook, some approaches yield a better result. The worst part of it all is that my application isn't nearly clever enough. I'm fairly impatient about everything I do but outwardly I seem undisturbed. I want, want, want & want. Frustration would cause me some great discomfort. Now, I rarely allow myself to become frustrated. I try my best to remain in a state of preparation which allows me to react with the most appropriate response.
In order to get to that point, I made an effort to outline some extreme situations and then determined how I would respond. The easiest was violence. I'm a lucid dreamer so I did this in my sleep. This gave me ample time to consider my weaknesses in hand-to-hand combat and the importance of a proper response in unarmed vs armed scenarios. I made sure to tie in memories and compare my abilities with my senses. When given a complication that requires information that I currently don't have, I devised a way to break down the complication by what it effects. Like a linguist when they break down a word. Anyway, it was in this manner that I began to organize myself for events that are fairly likely to happen but have yet to happen.
Very little can remove the surprise but much can be done to remove the latency between occurrence and reaction. One thing that I have had the most issue with is communication. I don't know if it is because I spend so little time talking to people about people or concepts but I often find that I have no idea how I want to say what I want to say. Perhaps, I am trying to actively recall too significant a portion of experience but I should be capable to recall the world & all of her infinite mysteries. This is the miracle of humanity. Or maybe my delusion of grandeur. All the same, I know a lot but I don't spend enough time to put each duck in a row. So, I come off as passionate as compared to "well read". I have even caught myself echoing this thought for the last few years even when my passionate is beginning to appear more lukewarm fire than blazing inferno of dedication.
A troll. That is what lukewarm gives the impression of. Trying to be sincere in every situation. Silence had done wonders until I threw it upon the wayside of life. Now, I speak first and strongly so. Nothing appears to be prepared aside from the conflict mitigation strategies.
I remember, almost never thinking. Vastly misconstrued as a steady thinker when in fact the echoes of the whispering winds flowing through my ears form a most spectacular section of flutes. At night, focus is so amazing that homework could be done, although, not entire assignments just whatever problems I carried into dreamland with me.
At this age, I am desperately trying to understand what blocked my ability to understand things in an academic setting. I really have no idea what was so difficult to grasp. In what great many ways have I been cheated. Perhaps, I simply didn't have the strength for it. I desperately needed a different approach to intelligence, information and education. This current system was horrible for me. Such was not in my fortunes. Too bad there is only one me. The next me could be an intellectual beast. Not that I'm too shabby the way things are now. I could have read many more books; actually done my math homework; taken the time to force my instructors to do their jobs. I was so unfairly immature. I needed to be broken from my sheltered world. It really was a disservice. Maybe I'm here today because of that. All I know is that I need to start from square one if I want to get things organized now. And that's fine. Such an endeavor should only take me a few months. The entire k-12 education. I think this is a challenge I want to accept. <---if you cannot discern, I just devised the idea in that sentence. I'm type-thinking. And I'm reminded of Billy Madison.
The moral is to organize your thoughts so that you aren't caught off guard. Who are you but the person in the moment. Unless that interferes with you enjoying your life. Enjoy your life.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
What my eyes see
Let's just say, if seeing is believing, that the world is wrapped up in facades and illusions. The recipe is by a wide margin, in truth, the difference between life and death. As I type these few words, the concepts are inspiring a great many directions with which to proceed. Honestly, the weight of it all is overwhelming and I did not anticipate that I would take this topic to such depths. I do not believe that I will work through it all before I post it. I will sincerely charge myself with the duty of going further to write it better than I have anything in the past.
Shall we begin with the small common denominator? Okay, that brings us to our first definition: life. That is the fundamental reality that allows each of us to interact with existence. The next fundamental reality would be youth, as youth transcends simple definition of being young and pervades even into mindsets. Following youth would be education. Education is important because it is what ingrains the essential values with which an individual approaches existence or reality. Finally, I would wager that there was another spectrum to measure attributes and that would be physicality. However, the nature of that is so closely mated to that of the other three that for now, I need to simply relegate it to a mere mention and nothing more.
Life. What is it? Several billion people are attempting to understand the meaning of that question right this moment. Tens of billions and perhaps hundreds of billions have been evacuated from the realm of the living. Who has conquered life, I mean truly conquered living? Is it the monk who chases harmony? The Brahman who pursues transcendence? Is it the warrior who attempts to physically carve a meaning out of life or the king who attempts to control it by a means of authority? Perhaps it is the religious figure who distorts the imagination and claims the inspiration of divinity. Or it is as simple as the insect who crawls from a hole in the ground, only to be swallowed up in a slight drizzle of down pouring waters; forfeiting life to duty.
Life is a brief experience where each existence decides which portion of the continuum they devote these moments to and then dutifully do so. I do not know anything beyond my limits and such bares no need to be stated, however, life & living is all about a balance -that much is painfully obvious.
It is a story that is repeated to us time and again yet we are either to captivated by our own power or rather deceived by our perception of greatness. Life is simple. Living is complicated. Without living your life, there would be no complications. There are a great many pretenders to proclaim pseudo-requirements to justify having lived. Yet, from nary a script I have read, have I seen that knowing any pain or joy regardless of how minimal, satisfies the conditions of having lived. It is always some small pleasure that these great philosophers use to justify the presumption that their life held more value and was more worthy of praise. But without the great many "lessers" the great few "greaters" lose all meaning. No part of the system is more fundamental than that. Lose either part and all meaning is lost. This goes a bit deeper than I'm taking you but I'm not attempting to prolapse your brains from your ears.( I took my first break at this point as I desire to rest my fingers and change my perspective a bit as a method of peer review...don't call me crazy).
(A few hours later)
In our youths, we believe the world to be a fantastical place that is filled to the brim of miracles and wondrous joys. When we raise our perceptual gazes towards the horizons, we begin to comprehend the endless sorrows, pain & ignorance. Life becomes more complex not because we got older but because we released ourselves from our youth in order to gain wisdom. The wisdom however, was to realize that letting go of youth an unnecessary action. That sort of freedom never had any need to flee. It was chased off by a lack of discipline. Youth is chased away as if it wasn't a gift to be giving and cherished. Youth isn't simply vitality or naivete`. Youth is a confluence of realities that take place in the innocence of the mind. When honesty is the only manner in which an individual may move forward.
Youth cannot be severed from time or relevance but all of that is based on a particular moment in life that is different for each individual. Without coding words too deeply, it is without the bias of time or the jade of bitterness that the epitome of such be found in the eyes of a withered soul who has realized what they had to gain by reclaiming their youth.(Talk about being abstract for abstracts sake...sheez).
Education is inviolable. If you do not have education, then what makes you any different than a wild animal? You are taught to speak; to act; to think; to live. You are taught so much that rarely does one so adroitly maneuver thoughts for the act of doing. The more Science takes its grasp of the world, the more crucial the implementation of educational facilities becomes. Education makes the difference in how an individual approaches the world. It is what arms the individual with that individual's "unique equation". There may not be an easy way to determine the potential a person carries with them within each scenario but each will respond consistently to stimuli. Nothing within the human brain is randomized. The "adaptive unconscious" is working around the clock, diligently. This has an amazing influence on the way that we perceive reality. With our reactions mapped out and our beliefs determined, there is very little yet to be decided. This is probably the most illustrative reality. The things an individual does, speaks for the things they haven't done. The limitations and contradictions lay themselves bare. The complications are exposed for particular events and the distinctions become mere obstacles that were impassable to that particular soul. The persona maps itself and freely screams that existence to the world.
It is really rather simple. People who are extremely loud or quiet suffer from excessive fears. The fears are most likely social fears. They would most likely word these fears as apprehensions. Yet, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. And yes, the ability to appreciate the smell of a rose is indeed acquired or cultured into an individual. All of these things come from the "Unique Equation" of the individual. Each is different. Timing is an independent variable that has a tremendous affect yet not necessarily significant. The equation will be what it will be. Only the individual can change that and only if they have enough education to know that they may require equation augmentation. (I've become such a loon with what my eyes see but that's precisely why I'm sharing it...because it seems crazy).
These things are what my eyes see. I was unable to go too deep into it and I was very antsy while typing this up. I strongly desired getting up and moving about. I desired doing basically anything else. If my focus wasn't sufficient or my thoughts trailed, you'll either forgive me or you won't. It is difficult to simply sit still and not go pick up something heavy 20-30 times(because that is what I wanted to do the most). Now, I only used three separate identifiers but in my eyes, there are many more ways to break this into much smaller categories. And I could have been more detailed but then I may as well just author a book. At that point, I may as well continue to write and research and read until I expire. I do like my coining of the phrase "Unique Equation" however sophomoric it is ultimately revealed into being. Either way, I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED. I could do much better and if I can get to a point where I remove this anxiety from stillness while typing, I may just achieve coherent typed thought. Until then, please bear with me.
Life is a brief experience where each existence decides which portion of the continuum they devote these moments to and then dutifully do so. I do not know anything beyond my limits and such bares no need to be stated, however, life & living is all about a balance -that much is painfully obvious.
It is a story that is repeated to us time and again yet we are either to captivated by our own power or rather deceived by our perception of greatness. Life is simple. Living is complicated. Without living your life, there would be no complications. There are a great many pretenders to proclaim pseudo-requirements to justify having lived. Yet, from nary a script I have read, have I seen that knowing any pain or joy regardless of how minimal, satisfies the conditions of having lived. It is always some small pleasure that these great philosophers use to justify the presumption that their life held more value and was more worthy of praise. But without the great many "lessers" the great few "greaters" lose all meaning. No part of the system is more fundamental than that. Lose either part and all meaning is lost. This goes a bit deeper than I'm taking you but I'm not attempting to prolapse your brains from your ears.( I took my first break at this point as I desire to rest my fingers and change my perspective a bit as a method of peer review...don't call me crazy).
(A few hours later)
In our youths, we believe the world to be a fantastical place that is filled to the brim of miracles and wondrous joys. When we raise our perceptual gazes towards the horizons, we begin to comprehend the endless sorrows, pain & ignorance. Life becomes more complex not because we got older but because we released ourselves from our youth in order to gain wisdom. The wisdom however, was to realize that letting go of youth an unnecessary action. That sort of freedom never had any need to flee. It was chased off by a lack of discipline. Youth is chased away as if it wasn't a gift to be giving and cherished. Youth isn't simply vitality or naivete`. Youth is a confluence of realities that take place in the innocence of the mind. When honesty is the only manner in which an individual may move forward.
Youth cannot be severed from time or relevance but all of that is based on a particular moment in life that is different for each individual. Without coding words too deeply, it is without the bias of time or the jade of bitterness that the epitome of such be found in the eyes of a withered soul who has realized what they had to gain by reclaiming their youth.(Talk about being abstract for abstracts sake...sheez).
Education is inviolable. If you do not have education, then what makes you any different than a wild animal? You are taught to speak; to act; to think; to live. You are taught so much that rarely does one so adroitly maneuver thoughts for the act of doing. The more Science takes its grasp of the world, the more crucial the implementation of educational facilities becomes. Education makes the difference in how an individual approaches the world. It is what arms the individual with that individual's "unique equation". There may not be an easy way to determine the potential a person carries with them within each scenario but each will respond consistently to stimuli. Nothing within the human brain is randomized. The "adaptive unconscious" is working around the clock, diligently. This has an amazing influence on the way that we perceive reality. With our reactions mapped out and our beliefs determined, there is very little yet to be decided. This is probably the most illustrative reality. The things an individual does, speaks for the things they haven't done. The limitations and contradictions lay themselves bare. The complications are exposed for particular events and the distinctions become mere obstacles that were impassable to that particular soul. The persona maps itself and freely screams that existence to the world.
It is really rather simple. People who are extremely loud or quiet suffer from excessive fears. The fears are most likely social fears. They would most likely word these fears as apprehensions. Yet, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. And yes, the ability to appreciate the smell of a rose is indeed acquired or cultured into an individual. All of these things come from the "Unique Equation" of the individual. Each is different. Timing is an independent variable that has a tremendous affect yet not necessarily significant. The equation will be what it will be. Only the individual can change that and only if they have enough education to know that they may require equation augmentation. (I've become such a loon with what my eyes see but that's precisely why I'm sharing it...because it seems crazy).
These things are what my eyes see. I was unable to go too deep into it and I was very antsy while typing this up. I strongly desired getting up and moving about. I desired doing basically anything else. If my focus wasn't sufficient or my thoughts trailed, you'll either forgive me or you won't. It is difficult to simply sit still and not go pick up something heavy 20-30 times(because that is what I wanted to do the most). Now, I only used three separate identifiers but in my eyes, there are many more ways to break this into much smaller categories. And I could have been more detailed but then I may as well just author a book. At that point, I may as well continue to write and research and read until I expire. I do like my coining of the phrase "Unique Equation" however sophomoric it is ultimately revealed into being. Either way, I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED. I could do much better and if I can get to a point where I remove this anxiety from stillness while typing, I may just achieve coherent typed thought. Until then, please bear with me.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Hot boxing in an igloo
I'm weary. It isn't from a work schedule cause I'm bumming it. It isn't from a hectic home keeping schedule cause I ain't really shit right now. I'm in a very weird place and I'm not even talking with the best friends. The oldest friends. The wisest friends. Just dolo. Technically, I don't have a best friend. Never did. Just not that kind of person. I never really fit in. People say I'm weird. I've actively tried to fit in. Shit just don't work. And every so often, I'm reminded just how far out of the flock I reside. The shit is like innumerable insects eroding your existence bite by bite. Eventually, it just comes to a point where respite is required.
Whatever I was formerly, I am no longer. I keep clinging to my victories from yesteryear as if I can claim the current me shared those convictions. The leopard changed his spots. Could be lost the old spots. Could be forgot to grow new spots. Could just simply be lost. The most I've ever owned and the most lost I've ever felt. Heartless. I don't have the passion of possession nor the pain of loss. Can't even claim to be numb. It's all just sort of devoid of strong feelings. Almost no feeling. Life has no spice. This puppy is super smart. She learns commands fairly easily and comprehends the intent of communicated words. She is stubborn. She is determined. She is not very patient. She likes to pick on dogs smaller than herself. She is now four and a half months old. She is 60 pounds heavy. Puppy is overly communicative. Translation(-euphemism): she is constantly whining.
With that drain of watching over this pet while trying to recover a sociable mentality, just put a strain on the give a fuck part of me.Oddly, I give less of a fuck. I need to get people out of my life. They make stupid decisions that lead them to unhappiness and are somehow dragging me down with them. I'm tossing my hands in the air pretty soon. Stress, anxiety, peer pressure & a litany of other things are weighing heavy on the psyche. How did I let myself get to this point where at 30, I am dependent on another for my daily bread? This shit is tough. I was more independent at 19. I was more independent at 23. I was more independent at 27. The last year and a half, my world has been slowly rolling downhill.
There was a woman who came in and ruined my happiness. It wasn't a perfect happiness. There was a lot of frustration and the woman pretended to have the answers. Before I knew it, I was working to make something perfect again. Like an addiction. Where that first hit is the best high you've ever had and you chase it every time after that. It was never like the first time. Shit. The first time wasn't like the first time I remember. The lower I fell, the worse I feel about myself. The worse I feel about myself, the more I fight it; the more I throw myself into online life. Which is weird because sitting still all day isn't me. But I didn't seek out alternatives. The options died with the desire for options.
It's not like I'm blaming her for being herself. Carmen(<---fake name in homage to the opera) was chasing happiness. I made my decisions. Those decisions worked out to be horrible gambles. I lost that bet. It could have been the best thing that ever happened to me. My head is still confused, trying to determine whether I wanted to be there because I wanted her or if it was because I just convicted myself to my decisions. I don't know anymore. I gave up virtually everything that anchored to who I was. If life is an ocean, all of that shit floated away. It's gone and I can't get it back. And I don't want it back. I just want to keep moving forward and I felt like I was moving forward but this is akin to being lost in a dense forest. A forest where you can't see the sky and there is no discernible landmark to denote progress. Just pushing in one direction in the hopes that you remain straight. Pushing oblivious of the landscape. I keep the journey forward but the longer I am, the wearier I become and the less fucks I have to give.
Shit! I realized a dream. I had high hopes for that dream but as the days go by, I doubt more and more whether I have what it takes to realize this meager little dream while trying to support myself. And I look at my sometimesy support system. I think about how conflicted they all are. I begin to feel like I'm a unicorn chasing dragons chasing angels chasing god chasing creation with a wine made from the tears of celestial water nymphs. I had an important muse. I had several everyday muses. I've had inspirations and camaraderie. But ultimately, I feel like a seed of cataclysm and chaos. And then I'm not really like you all and I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. We wake up hungry and thirsty so we eat and drink. We wash when dirty. We like to smell good and look good. We read to get smart and we need shit explained to us when we don't know any better. We laugh at jokes or cry at tragedy & pain. We win and lose. We feel high and low. Yet, I open my mouth and people can't run away and shut it out fast enough.
So, I learned people. I studied people in school to understand what made them tick. To see if I was irrational with my beliefs. I grew arrogant. Then I began to build a people based business and I learned people better. I grew ever more arrogant. I know shit. But I don't know shit. I mean, I loved deductive reasoning my entire life. Sherlock Holmes was a goal to aspire to. But here...let me make more sense. I haven't been very good at lying. I say it. I believe it. I suppose that's part of it. Whatever. I'm sick of talking about this for now. And I'm still weary. I feel like I can't breathe. Nothing outside of hitting the lotto will cheer me up. Money is a major issue. Fuck pit bulls.
Whatever I was formerly, I am no longer. I keep clinging to my victories from yesteryear as if I can claim the current me shared those convictions. The leopard changed his spots. Could be lost the old spots. Could be forgot to grow new spots. Could just simply be lost. The most I've ever owned and the most lost I've ever felt. Heartless. I don't have the passion of possession nor the pain of loss. Can't even claim to be numb. It's all just sort of devoid of strong feelings. Almost no feeling. Life has no spice. This puppy is super smart. She learns commands fairly easily and comprehends the intent of communicated words. She is stubborn. She is determined. She is not very patient. She likes to pick on dogs smaller than herself. She is now four and a half months old. She is 60 pounds heavy. Puppy is overly communicative. Translation(-euphemism): she is constantly whining.
With that drain of watching over this pet while trying to recover a sociable mentality, just put a strain on the give a fuck part of me.Oddly, I give less of a fuck. I need to get people out of my life. They make stupid decisions that lead them to unhappiness and are somehow dragging me down with them. I'm tossing my hands in the air pretty soon. Stress, anxiety, peer pressure & a litany of other things are weighing heavy on the psyche. How did I let myself get to this point where at 30, I am dependent on another for my daily bread? This shit is tough. I was more independent at 19. I was more independent at 23. I was more independent at 27. The last year and a half, my world has been slowly rolling downhill.
There was a woman who came in and ruined my happiness. It wasn't a perfect happiness. There was a lot of frustration and the woman pretended to have the answers. Before I knew it, I was working to make something perfect again. Like an addiction. Where that first hit is the best high you've ever had and you chase it every time after that. It was never like the first time. Shit. The first time wasn't like the first time I remember. The lower I fell, the worse I feel about myself. The worse I feel about myself, the more I fight it; the more I throw myself into online life. Which is weird because sitting still all day isn't me. But I didn't seek out alternatives. The options died with the desire for options.
It's not like I'm blaming her for being herself. Carmen(<---fake name in homage to the opera) was chasing happiness. I made my decisions. Those decisions worked out to be horrible gambles. I lost that bet. It could have been the best thing that ever happened to me. My head is still confused, trying to determine whether I wanted to be there because I wanted her or if it was because I just convicted myself to my decisions. I don't know anymore. I gave up virtually everything that anchored to who I was. If life is an ocean, all of that shit floated away. It's gone and I can't get it back. And I don't want it back. I just want to keep moving forward and I felt like I was moving forward but this is akin to being lost in a dense forest. A forest where you can't see the sky and there is no discernible landmark to denote progress. Just pushing in one direction in the hopes that you remain straight. Pushing oblivious of the landscape. I keep the journey forward but the longer I am, the wearier I become and the less fucks I have to give.
Shit! I realized a dream. I had high hopes for that dream but as the days go by, I doubt more and more whether I have what it takes to realize this meager little dream while trying to support myself. And I look at my sometimesy support system. I think about how conflicted they all are. I begin to feel like I'm a unicorn chasing dragons chasing angels chasing god chasing creation with a wine made from the tears of celestial water nymphs. I had an important muse. I had several everyday muses. I've had inspirations and camaraderie. But ultimately, I feel like a seed of cataclysm and chaos. And then I'm not really like you all and I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. We wake up hungry and thirsty so we eat and drink. We wash when dirty. We like to smell good and look good. We read to get smart and we need shit explained to us when we don't know any better. We laugh at jokes or cry at tragedy & pain. We win and lose. We feel high and low. Yet, I open my mouth and people can't run away and shut it out fast enough.
So, I learned people. I studied people in school to understand what made them tick. To see if I was irrational with my beliefs. I grew arrogant. Then I began to build a people based business and I learned people better. I grew ever more arrogant. I know shit. But I don't know shit. I mean, I loved deductive reasoning my entire life. Sherlock Holmes was a goal to aspire to. But here...let me make more sense. I haven't been very good at lying. I say it. I believe it. I suppose that's part of it. Whatever. I'm sick of talking about this for now. And I'm still weary. I feel like I can't breathe. Nothing outside of hitting the lotto will cheer me up. Money is a major issue. Fuck pit bulls.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
How to see it
It isn't just what is written. Take into account what words wake while others forge. Placement is the substitute for timing. Timing is everything.
In my efforts, there is a sense of the brevity that constantly inhabits my thoughts. The temporal shift in existence being expended on the toils of composition. A spontaneous bout of verbosity followed by quaint moments of eloquence. Interspersed with barely coherent ramblings of emotion and explanation. To think it was unintentional would be unbelievably foolish. Nothing just happens. Everything happens for a reason. Duh. Not like the "it was written" type reason but the scientific "every action has an equal yet opposite reaction" type of reason.
There is no place in our consciousness; our psyche; our existence that does not afford explanation. Either we haven't found the reason or we've ignored it. Mysticism is so very strong in the thinking creature. Creating nonexistent conflicts out of potential. Fighting wars based on imagination. Claiming unreasonable tenants of expression rather than compromising the unbridled energies of the uneducated brutes. What curiosity is there that war rules the world with an icy cold glare of aggression? What mystery is it to fear?
These things have been explained for centuries yet we struggle to get people to accept the simple truth of existence: whether a god favors you are not, you have simply come into existing and just as easily you can be removed at any time. People don't die of their heathen beliefs. In fact, it is rare for a person to die of a belief. People die because of actions. Actions which, coincidentally turn into facts. Those very simple facts become stored in our brains and shape our realities. How we perceive that reality is the perception. Which in turn can be communicated via language and perpetuate some very silly beliefs which, of course, may never have actually had any reason to be believed in the very first place. And it still can shape every little thing you do. Even how you type your thoughts out on an empty blog page.
Keep thinking somebody will fail to read you through the internet or any other medium. Think that with just five seconds after meeting you that somebody has the incorrect impression. You are taking for granted the endless list of specialties in this world of belief. But as you will learn, the old sayings did not become popular for lack of attribution. The proof is in the pudding. 50% of jest is truth. Beware of the man...etc. I'm sure you can follow the applicable nature of these thoughts. You won't say something you aren't thinking about. More accurately, you cannot speak a thought that has never crossed your mind. Dishonesty is interested and people buy magic beans all day every day. They purchase these beans in the hopes that a miracle becomes of their faith. You already know this even if you haven't thought about this. Same concept of planting a seed.
The simplest truths will lead you to where you want to be. There should be zeniths & nadirs. Anyhow, I've been reading much more lately. More books and less blogs. But the consistent theme is how humanity assists itself in the form of familiar strangers. In one book, it is regarded that the "entire universe conspires to help you achieve your dreams" while in other places it is written as "those who help themselves are the easiest to help". No matter which way it is written, the central theme behind my writhing diction is that some ways to help yourself are completely apparent. That is what most people see. Another way to help yourself is to remove boundary from concept and allow that construct to flourish without arrogant contention. Don't put an infinitely imperceptible world in a box. The secrets of time have seen it and have somehow failed to see fit to cage it all inside of one perspective.
That last line is more of a note to myself than it is to any who may read. Yet, my best thinking happens when I have a purpose to think. For what you will, you are welcome.
In my efforts, there is a sense of the brevity that constantly inhabits my thoughts. The temporal shift in existence being expended on the toils of composition. A spontaneous bout of verbosity followed by quaint moments of eloquence. Interspersed with barely coherent ramblings of emotion and explanation. To think it was unintentional would be unbelievably foolish. Nothing just happens. Everything happens for a reason. Duh. Not like the "it was written" type reason but the scientific "every action has an equal yet opposite reaction" type of reason.
There is no place in our consciousness; our psyche; our existence that does not afford explanation. Either we haven't found the reason or we've ignored it. Mysticism is so very strong in the thinking creature. Creating nonexistent conflicts out of potential. Fighting wars based on imagination. Claiming unreasonable tenants of expression rather than compromising the unbridled energies of the uneducated brutes. What curiosity is there that war rules the world with an icy cold glare of aggression? What mystery is it to fear?
These things have been explained for centuries yet we struggle to get people to accept the simple truth of existence: whether a god favors you are not, you have simply come into existing and just as easily you can be removed at any time. People don't die of their heathen beliefs. In fact, it is rare for a person to die of a belief. People die because of actions. Actions which, coincidentally turn into facts. Those very simple facts become stored in our brains and shape our realities. How we perceive that reality is the perception. Which in turn can be communicated via language and perpetuate some very silly beliefs which, of course, may never have actually had any reason to be believed in the very first place. And it still can shape every little thing you do. Even how you type your thoughts out on an empty blog page.
Keep thinking somebody will fail to read you through the internet or any other medium. Think that with just five seconds after meeting you that somebody has the incorrect impression. You are taking for granted the endless list of specialties in this world of belief. But as you will learn, the old sayings did not become popular for lack of attribution. The proof is in the pudding. 50% of jest is truth. Beware of the man...etc. I'm sure you can follow the applicable nature of these thoughts. You won't say something you aren't thinking about. More accurately, you cannot speak a thought that has never crossed your mind. Dishonesty is interested and people buy magic beans all day every day. They purchase these beans in the hopes that a miracle becomes of their faith. You already know this even if you haven't thought about this. Same concept of planting a seed.
The simplest truths will lead you to where you want to be. There should be zeniths & nadirs. Anyhow, I've been reading much more lately. More books and less blogs. But the consistent theme is how humanity assists itself in the form of familiar strangers. In one book, it is regarded that the "entire universe conspires to help you achieve your dreams" while in other places it is written as "those who help themselves are the easiest to help". No matter which way it is written, the central theme behind my writhing diction is that some ways to help yourself are completely apparent. That is what most people see. Another way to help yourself is to remove boundary from concept and allow that construct to flourish without arrogant contention. Don't put an infinitely imperceptible world in a box. The secrets of time have seen it and have somehow failed to see fit to cage it all inside of one perspective.
That last line is more of a note to myself than it is to any who may read. Yet, my best thinking happens when I have a purpose to think. For what you will, you are welcome.
Friday, March 15, 2013
I definitely be on some shit.
Recently, I eased up on my restrictive regard of curse words. I actively attempted to avoided them before. Minor conflict. In one way, you look a bit more raw and unrefined when you use the words. On the other hand, you appear more believable and honest. Something about composure intimidates people. I've attempted to adjust to find a universal balance. I don't do the things that would be required to maintain such a balance. My life is full of chaos so much so that the only things that really interrupt my sense of peace are women and heartache. Violence? Water off a ducks back. It's like a fire burning a log. Assess and estimate the course of action; take that action and go on about your day. I'm not desensitized to violence, it simply isn't note worthy to me. I think that sounds weird. I'm "think-speak writing". I'm not the type to be bothered by thoughts, if I were, I'd be long since lost control. Instead, I accepted thoughts as a manifestation of latent desire and limitation. A mental confinement of sorts. Some people cannot deal with the crazy. I harnessed it. I put a leash on it and walked it around a 'park' in my head. The crazy is my bitch but some times it tries to escape. I think we all deal with that. When emotions flare. When the situation is unreasonable in every way and people persists despite being informed the utter futility of the direction of their actions. I need to cut all these extra words out without editing the piece. How about this take on it? In life, we are constantly attempting to maintain a balance of output, input, neutral & .....nah, I need better terms. How about responsibility? Either way, the words I'm looking for describe the need to feel purposefully connected to the rest of humanity; the need to feel allowed to disconnect from the worst portions of humanity and the ability to not think about either while enjoying something that is a product of everything you are trying to ignore. The ideas get muddled and the words mean a little different across the regions of these here States. All I'm saying is, instead of resisting and denying anything that comes out of my existence, I turn to accepting any and every conflict that my consciousness invokes. I refuse to fight myself. I still do at times. But these are mild and accumulative. So, the side that should win eventually will. I'm sure most are much like this. I see that crime and criminals are a marginal problem that is not necessarily proportional to the population. It still feels that way. Fear & ignorance are virtually the same thing from how I see it BUT also the most prevalent techniques utilized for interacting with the world. Avarice plays into that well. And our world becomes like it is even after you eradicate all of the current fear and ignorance. It is never ending. The constant co-signing of ignorance is a huge problem. People sharing fears is an endemic problem of Capitalism because it's easier to give that free fix away in order to establish a customer base. Damn. I'm just saying, the system is cold fusion. Cowardice is a self sustaining industry that creates these mental schisms of divergent thought and ultimately fractures individuals who aren't necessarily caught by the initial wave of schizoid frenzy.
We need Sociopaths for this society to press further. True. We need people who look for the bottom dollar instead of just being considerate and tolerant. Even with that, we need less of them than we currently have. Because now, I don't wanna use curse words because I have a tendency to come off as scary. It is all very humorous if you have that sort of sense. But whether an individual is crazy or not basically has nothing to do with the thoughts they have but the thoughts they allow to effect them. I have some crazy assed thoughts and this tirade is evidence of that. But I'm far from crazy. I've done a lot of reckless things. I'm not afraid. I'm simply aware of the consequences and not anxious to incur them. Exploratory than a mug.
We need Sociopaths for this society to press further. True. We need people who look for the bottom dollar instead of just being considerate and tolerant. Even with that, we need less of them than we currently have. Because now, I don't wanna use curse words because I have a tendency to come off as scary. It is all very humorous if you have that sort of sense. But whether an individual is crazy or not basically has nothing to do with the thoughts they have but the thoughts they allow to effect them. I have some crazy assed thoughts and this tirade is evidence of that. But I'm far from crazy. I've done a lot of reckless things. I'm not afraid. I'm simply aware of the consequences and not anxious to incur them. Exploratory than a mug.
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