Wednesday, April 30, 2014

When you live in my memories (The Blog version).

I have tried to dump the heavier part of my soul on this here blog. I tried to scour the sour taste of bad memories from my mind. It didn't work. Although the whispers quieted a lot. Although the echoes don't grab the corners of my attention and bend them into rivers of tears been cried. I tried. It helped.

I don't know if I'm just naive, a lost soul, a hopeless romantic, an idiot, a fool, over determined, under informed, poorly experienced or simply too stubborn. All I know is I can feel love drawing me in a direction and no matter what, I cannot find out how to keep the loves I try to love so purely. I do not know and cannot discern what it is that I could have done to wanted to be with those women so much that I just couldn't let them go. I fought as hard as I could. I put my pride to the side. I moved. I dropped everything for them when they asked it of me. I shunned them when they wronged me. I held them accountable. I grew. I learned. I matured. I led.

I can only imagine that my weaknesses alternated with each of them. I can only imagine that not one of them was compatible with the way I wanted to live. It's just hard to believe that because they loved me. They still swear they loved me for who I was....who I am. "Always have love for me." And I think back to the cute moments and fall into their eyes one more time, in the wake of contemplations. I want them all. I want them all back. More than anything, I want that feeling...the feeling that said they loved me.

Each kiss, slipping off the tip of touching lips. Drifting into the distant memory. I can't go back and reclaim those moments. Not really. I do it every night in my dreams. Reliving every love. Every fling. Every cuddle. Every connection. These positive memories become a silent misery. Why do I provide myself such unnecessary injury? Because I loved them; I love them and miss them and the feelings they brought into my understanding. Such a rare passion. Was I lucky or was this pennance for daring to be vulnerable to feeling? All I know, is this is what you become when you live in my memories. An indescribable feeling. How could I forget that?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

So Far, the Better.

I've already made more in ONE WEEK, than I did in three months(new vs old).
I almost sold several cars in my first few days.

I'll be fair, at the former place of employment, I had some really large accounts fall into my hands and then begin to slip through my fingers. Nothing could be done about it...not anything I knew to be possible. I had support and my bosses working with me and of the three factions, none could salvage the deal. It simply wasn't meant to be. All the others were mismanaged due the desperation of my superiors. It befuddles me that these people were the greats but managed to drop the ball every single time I needed someone to pass it to. Let's be real, I was in a banking outfit that specialized in moving pennies and making it seem like they moved mountains. Instead, it was like my superiors did everything in their power to make me see why we needed to be underhanded about the process.

My natural proclivity toward honest sincerity must have rubbed them wrong. Whenever they were honest, their lack of sincerity was apparent. So accustomed to lying they ain't know how to tell the truth. It was annoying to see them lose on my behalf, time and again. Every decent account I brought, they found a way to tank and thought to be surprised that I was hurting, seriously hurting after 90 days and nothing but failures. They were surprised to see my motivation take a serious dip. I got a job to make money. I did it thinking, I can do this because I need to do this. No. It turned out to be that I cannot simply take advantage of the ignorances of others just because I know something they don't. I'm morally corrupted to saying what I believe is fair. I'm an idiot for that. How common place is using ignorance to sell goods, practiced? EVERY DAY THING.

Merchants are disgusting people. Salesmen are probably more disgusting than that. Bankers gotta be the worst all time....slimier than politicians. I don't know what Imma do with my life...Idk how Imma make this money. Right now, I'm shifting my mind into a place where it will allow me to sell cars. Where I need to be able to right into a deal, enough margin that it doesn't hurt my customer and it doesn't stop me from being successful. Pretty much, the same as the last job. Bad credit? Good for me. Wanna fix your credit? You're going to bleed while paying through the nose. The good thing about this one is I can honestly separate how much I care about people paying for cars because it's their greed vs my survival. These people want to buy non essential vehicles just because they are available? Cool. I'll write in an extra hundred dollars for myself. I appreciate their needs but I wanna buy my way into this dirty ass world and the mentality of being justified while taking advantage of others is something that, although I'm sure I utilize it in one way or another, turns me off aesthetically.

I just don't want to feel like a piece of shit when I lay down at night. I don't want to feel like a giant friggin parasite. And this one is more like, "you don't want to pay a fair price while you want me to pay a more than fair price? Imma make you feel like it while not giving you the best of it. Dirty ugmo negroes, just violating around the map. Making six figures. Getting raises and promotions but er'rybody gotta grudge against ol boy. Imma be straight up, I understand and know why he did them dirty. They were dirty themselves. My eyes closed to they bs. Do I expect folk to cheat me? Yes. If I don't protect myself, I'll learn. It won't last forever. I just might not be cut out for sales. I have a heavy set morality. It doesn't run from place to place so well. It's good at remaining unchanged. BUT I WANT TO WIN. I am hungry and people look more and more like something to eat, every friggin day, b.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Failure to Launch...err...yeah

I'm in a scorched earth mindset...tired of this dark cloud bearing down, the scoundrel frowns, frustration abound, baboons and raccons get their hairs fine with vidal sassoon. It's an hour passed noon. This bombaclot ras is a replacement for ras al ghoul, now dat I'm the man, who's that fool...hol'up....lemme run dat byke.

I work in a sales position. Sales can be the easiest thing depending on your personality. Mine not one of the good ones for sales. I'm as honest as I can be. Direct. No bullshit. Disconnected from others(isolated). I don't hold on to people that are full of shit. I leave people better than I find them. Sales isn't about that. This is an everyday environment where phrases like "there's no right and wrong" are thrown around like Halloween candy. Where putting somebody in a better position doesn't mean they are in a good position. Where the amount of money you take from somebody is a blindness to them and they can still call you a friend. The shit is insane.

I can't grasp the....I cannot fathom the stupidity...the idiocy...the magnitude or enormity of the ignorance involved. I work in a field full of self servile parasites and I am honest to God, frustrated that I can't be more like them. I only look down on them because I cannot find a way to join their ranks. I might be the worst person in the office. My firm practices predatory lending. No big deal. If I sign somebody to it, I don't make any money off of it. So, fuck that. Why would I bother? For all of my failure and endless hours of effort and loss....I can't be made whole. I just have lost.

Hell, I've had rough years since I made a decision to chase a woman instead of money. I haven't recovered. Meanwhile she's married. I certainly came out looking worthless. No matter how decent I try to be, my lack of ruthlessness OR WHATEVER IT IS...has left me wanting, without, heartbroken and defeated. And I continue to stand up only to fall again and again and again. I am sick of it.

I have been at this job for 12 weeks. Not one paycheck. Money going out, none coming in. Idk what to do. I'm busting my ass to get nowhere fast. Part of it is growing up in a society that punishes the high morality it teaches us to espouse. Another part of it is believing in the good and intelligence of others. All of it a waste. Part of it is that I make excuses without meaning to. My failure is my own. Some have assisted but my ignorance is my responsibility.

This week has 3 days remaining. After that, I am quitting. 3 months of nothing but RED! I'm sorry, if you don't get it by then, you simply won't get it at all. At least, nobody has been able to help me. My boss, her boss, her subordinate, my coworker...I'm un-help-able. These people go to help others and great biig things happen. Family & friends bar together and it's all growth. Around me? All decay. I am so fucking tired of losing.

People list the reasons I should be winning. Does not help. "You're handsome"..."You're intelligent"..."You are kind"..."You have a great personality". Funny, none of those things have benefited me in any meaningful way. I'm starved. Exhausted. Lonely. Depressed.
I. Am. Losing it.

And I remember feeling like this just prior to getting this job. After I thought I blew the interview.After three months of fruitlessly searching for any place that would hire me and finding none. Where am I winning? This job caps a very hard 6 months for me. A very trying 6 months for me. Where does it end?

I mean, the years have been shit.
These last few months? Shit.
These last few weeks? Ultra shit.
A few folks on twitter and my dog are all that holds me together anymore.
Being able to tweet my sweet miseries is probably keeping me walking the tightrope I've been walking.
I am troubled and I cannot find my way from beneath this curse.
Positive aphorisms err affirmations err..yeah.
Look, my life was pretty cool despite the ton of bad shit that happened. I was a typically positive person who often managed to steer away from negativity.
Even now, I celebrate the little things...its just become a truth that my little things are mostly negative.

Sure, I have my health but none to share it with.
I have positivity but...fuck get it. I'm down and tryna not be out.

I just wanna win. I put inn...obviously it don't matter.

All the sin in the world can't make it in your heart if you don't let it.

What does "GOOD" mean anyway???

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I like to write about women

I like to write about the women I date, it is a catharsis few understand. I do semi-bash them BUT I like to avoid bashing anyone, regardless of what happened. Here's the thing though, I think I'm just telling it like it is and the shitty things they do, are things they answer for AND since it happened to me, I think it's fair to layout how I saw things go down. Still, it's semi-bashy. lol.

So, without further ado, let's fall into this most recent escapade of bullshit I allowed to happen.

This woman, I'd known of but not directly. I thought she was aight but the more I looked at her, the better angles I could find to make her more appealing to my eye. It was some work because she was high maintenance as far as her expectations yet she was low on her personal maintenance scale. Fingernails were trash, wardrobe was underwhelming(as a man's man, I didn't really care about it until she made a big deal out of my undergarments, then it was like "Hol'up chick"...anyway); her teeth were a brownish yellow, beady little eyes, glasses, oily, pitted skin, smoking habit, tiny & flabby titties, incredibly skinny, unhealthy eating habits, poor word usage, highly critical, incapable of making a decision, and on top of all that, wanted me to spend money on her for months on end just to earn her approval to "date" her.

Bruh, I SHIT YOU NOT. I should attach a picture but I'm not that messy. This has me feeling some kinda way. Some type of way. SOME FUCKIN SORT OF WAY. But I was broke and living with my mother and I thought that the one thing I really liked about her would be something that was worth all of the effort. Gawd damn my proclivity for positivity because YOOOOO...she wasn't even that no more. Just a bitter broad who ruined her past relationships by being self centered(on her OWN admission) then basically ruined whatever chances she had with me by doing the very damn same things. AND I WAS WORKING WITH HER. I'm going to be raw, if I hadn't taken some very serious losses this last year...if I hadn't been struggling to keep myself positive...struggling to give a damn....I'd have tossed her the moment she got difficult.

I don't want to see all the surface flaws in a person. I want to look beyond all that shit I don't want and find that thing that will make every word worth it. I thought I struck gold....guess what? Pyrite real than a mutha.(Dat's dat fool's gold for those who ain't in the knowin'). So, it's not like I derive the slightest bit of pleasure from all the description I gave of her. I feel childish...somewhat disgusted...and even worse, resentful that I gave her an honest chance when bonafide great women getting passed up. I felt like shit. That lasted all of three seconds. I didn't want to spend any more of my time on her. Well, until I typed this up tonight.

Now, she did try to cut me down. She threw stones the entire time. She was a work of shit. Can go on for ten to twenty minutes about my flaw of not having employment but couldn't take a minute of what was wrong with her. I call that stupid, insecure and childish. It pisses me off. Don't give criticism if you can't take it. She thought it'd be cool to stalk my twitter and whatever. I don't give a fuck...stalk them...I'm not talking to her monkey ass no more. Idc if I never see her again. Waste my time and call me a waste? Say you settle for me? Nigga...who settles up? Tell me that shit. I'm six feet and one inch tall. I'm handsome. I have a great smile. I'm workably intelligent. I'm charming and you settled for that? Bitch, do you even lift?

The moment I got a new job, big money coming in...more money than she make a month, she wanna act like I ain't shit. Cool. I'm breezy. Co-workers like, "You single? Cause I got some home girls that would LOVE you!!!' Damn, saying that makes me feel like I shouldn't have even typed this out. Meh, it happens. Catharsis. Lol.

Here's the up and up. I'm not actually mad and most of this was worded for dramatic flair while not compromising the accuracy...simply the perception of the events. In other words, it's all true but you might not consume it the way I meant it. Lol. Pimp shit, am I right? No? Ahhh, well I tried. Anyway. I wish the broad the best of luck. It's her path. I'm just glad she's no longer muddying up my path. And that's where I'm at with it. Mind over matter and she don't register in my mind so she don't matter.


Saturday, January 25, 2014

Reasonable Determination

Everybody is great at something. You can represent yourself in a piss poor manner, smoke heavily, drink heavily, curse heavily and out perform based on little more than bending corners of the truth back in your favor all while pretending what you say is the truth. The worst part is that you believe it.

Perhaps, it is the moribund of ethics to stick with a simple perspective. Or perhaps it is the willingness to be wrong while believing you are right. Not that I have an issue with either. At this point, I'd start auctioning off errant & wayward family members for a profit. Why give a fuck?

Here, the other people in my office hardly ever tell the truth. Training is typically a detriment full of the wrong information and misdirection is abound. We are told to stick to simple metrics and the results will present themselves. I am the cautionary tale of why that isn't true. I've had much better results in doing what they've told me not to do rather than doing what they tell me to do. Unfortunately for me, I've committed to doing what they tell me to do. Peanuts.

Now, I'm not really complaining about the job I have. At least I have a job to fail at. I am the one failing. I am the one one the verge of losing one big account after another and never actually reaching the big pay day because I believed my upper management had their shit together...or rather, would inform me that shit wasn't together...or whatever. I figured I wouldn't need to be the boss in my first few weeks. I should have done more research. I should have turned down the position. I should have slept more and made sounder decisions. SHOULD HAVE, WOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE. I started at the bottom and I'm still here.

I have one spark of life. This woman owns a destination pizzeria. Her business is in the death roll and nobody will help her straighten it out. I understand loans are risky and everything is looking bad but her history would suggest that she could handle the loan and straighten herself within a year. I am her final thread of sanity. I have done everything I know to do, have been shown to do, have been told I could do for this woman. I doubt I can continue with this job if I failed her in my efforts. At one point, it is what told me I could do this job. It is the point where I became to believe that we weren't bad people or just salesman with a glint of greed in our eyes. I began to believe in our purpose. I COULD SEE IT REALIZED.

Now, here I am, on the precipice of disappointment, exhausting every single option in the final seconds of the last game with nowhere to turn and I have no Mj...I have no Kobe....there is nobody else to take this shot but me. I am it. The others, lost in personal seas of struggle have no sight on the release and it rests at my finger tips. I take a moment, size up the differences, tense my response and release...

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Titles Matter

When I looked at my job as a salesman, I hated the idea of being a shitty, unctuous, over pushy & far too highly motivated moron with a goal. In a highly saturated market of mental deficiency, I stand out as a detailed oriented, research capable, quick spit of information. I am the quality. But of course I'd think and say that. A salesman's job is never done. I need to sell myself to you or you'll dismiss my story and the reason I'm typing it up. Salesmen suck. Point blank period. They don't care about your life, what you're going through, what you want or anything but making that bottom dollar. Cause they have lives too. But there is another side to my sales position. The other side is maintaining a positive working rapport with the companies you sign.
I am also an account manager. I'm in banking. Not the "we store your cash at a static location and insure it digitally with the idea of security" type of banking BUT the elbows, wrist, shoulders, ankles hips and knees of that system. We are the, "get your money from point A to point B without worrying about being robbed or plotted on" type of banking. The only real money we see, is our own. And that's if we're savvy enough to make it.
All the same, changing the way I looked at the job, drastically altered my results. I'm happier to go to work, more excited about the little successes and far more enthusiastic about sharing what I do with women I'm interested in.
That it is only commission doesn't even slightly bother me...considering how deeply I believe in myself, a support system didn't help me get started. I borrow my little brother's car. That's about it.
My truck would eat up twice the gas on half the mileage. It wasn't a wise decision to purchase that truck. My fault.
So, from here on out, when I want to talk intimately with a woman, I'll tell her just why I think titles matter so much. Define that relationship.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Me and the Holidays

It has become increasingly clear that the holidays are not my favorite time of year. It may result from my lack of fortitude in dealing with the society I am surrounded by but I do not know for sure.

As a child, it was a happy time of year for me. My childhood was as inconsistently marred by a need for maturity as it was bolstered by moments of innocent joy. No complaints...not anymore. My mother made sacrifice after sacrifice and there was just no way for me to be grateful enough. Even still, I sicken myself with reflection; changing, growing & improving. Somehow, I have failed to progress even a scintilla, in regards to the holiday season. Some may even argue that I have regressed.

I am a exceedingly thoughtful person. I am not capable of showing displays of purposeless affection, at least, not as I understand it. Meat & potatoes, all day, over here. If you need something, you let me know and I do what I can to help improve that situation. You want a Christmas gift? I'll end up buying the most expensive and pointless thing I can afford. I have been no good at displaying thoughtfulness in that regard. Well, there are the rare occasions but those are by far outweighed by the usual.

In all of this, I have been doing so very poorly these last few years. Mentally, I'm alright. Financially, I haven't been making anything happen and I've been seriously trying to understand how anybody could make anything happen with things being the way they are. What world am I seeing that everyone else finds a way in, while I fail to find anyway that works? What is my biggest obstacle to making progress towards being a reliable and contributing member of my family and the greater society? Who knows?

Let's take a step back. A decade ago, I stepped into a new world of sorts. Dating. Much of my life has been about my interest in women, yet I abstained for the simple concept of discipline(plus, I was a bit more religious back then). Immediately, I learned that people do what they want and fuck you, because well, fuck you. Back when I was younger and unaware of how negativity can leash your heart to emotions based on the time of year, I allowed my resentment to fester in a small wounds and make it much worse. Year after year, I incurred a new wound yet I kept my hopes up. Perhaps, that is what makes me the most "not sane" as I kept trying the consistent, tried and true formula of success, in regards to dating during the holidays: Family first.

Year after year, my emotion climbs high and plummets low. I'm tossed about in an emotionally chaotic fervor of disregard. Yet, I refuse to allow those moments to mark my turning points. I weighed the overall disappointments against the goods and swallowed my sense of pride. I wish people were better people. The winter comes around, bringing the holidays in tow and that's when the ugliness begins to show. My childhood, being what it was, I understand how people have a hard time adjusting each year but their issues are theirs; my issues are mine, except, that's not how it worked out.

Now, years later, I've become a harbinger of horror filled holidays. Much of my internal haranguing never meets the ether or the air, still, it makes a difference. Even as I refuse to speak the negativity, it weighs on my conscience and drowning my thoughts in sadness. I suffer silently. This act erodes my vitality. Enduring such rigors occupies my mind and exhausts me to the point where I neglect my intentions of preparing for the imminent exchanges of consideration and affection. Then I wake up on December 23rd with an empty bank account and no gifts and another year of disappointment in self. Do you know how many nieces and nephews I have? And I don't do for any of them. Not a one. I feel like a pitiful uncle because I wanted to be so much better than that. Truth is, I'm not. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own issues and it's an excuse. I shouldn't allow anything to stop me from being the way I want to be and typically nothing does; except during the holiday.

This year, I want to pull out all the stops. I plan on working my fingers to the bone. If I only ever get one year right, this year has to be the year. If I drop dead from exhaustion and this is my last post, I really hope I gave those who read my words, something worthwhile or even slightly amusing or entertaining or whatever. I am simply tired of the idea that I'll be the same "me" each year. I refuse to allow this jaded bitterness to consume me simply because I keep failing to meet my desire with enough "will" and ambition to make it happen.

Sure, I've probably had it a lot smoother than a lot of folks have had it. My parents really are something else. Still, they contributed to me. For all the good and bad that come with my existence, they share the load of carrying. I have done some amazing things. I'd like to think I've saved a life or two; inspired a soul or two; urged people to be better but I'll never really know. I really just tried to avoid making people worse for knowing me.

If I do make it through these holidays, I probably won't be posting anything new until the new year. I plan on being really strict about my adherence to this determination I'm pledging at this moment. Thanks for everything up until now. Wish me luck.