Literally, Fuck it! I'm venting.

If this is never read, that I'm writing it alone has helped to balance the Universe out a little more.
Emotions are what gets everybody up in arms because with out the emotions, people wouldn't have the energy to let the motion exist.
But I'm not going to dull you with my empty prose and lack of style, charisma or structure.  I will, tell you that life can take everything you love and turn it against you but still find a way to make you out to being the bad guy.  Take cigarettes for example; I'm sure somebody loved them until the little bundles of joy were made out to be very bad for you. Instead of giving the cig a bad rap, the person smoking the cig gets the bad rap. All they are doing is dealing with the love they have for the cig the best they can.  Is that so wrong?
Well literally, some people have their heads so far up their ass that they can't tell the difference and use arguments of supposed morality and notion of appropriateness to confine what their meager understandings predetermined as wrong.
That is cute.

I do not agree with most people I meet. And when I do agree with people, it is rarely on much more than how good food is or how shitty it is to feel all alone in the world.

So, why do I think the way I see the World is the more accurate vision?
It isn't that I think I do have the best vision, I'm broke, alone, and tired of fighting.  I think all those tell the story that I'm not absolutely happy with how I see the world.

I don't see what other people think is so carefree about  this World, with people dying in natural disasters all the time, and other crazy shit happening randomly. Life is not guaranteed to anyone.

And as I find myself in a crossroads, all I can think is "Damn, I wish I could see further in the future than a few days."  Damn being born with a low IQ.

Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it. And just like with the evil soul stealing genies, it always turns out wrong.
So fuck it. I'm going to do what I think is best.

Ice Through Veins Like River Rain

As a youth, exclusion and comparison were paramount in determining preference. Throughout the years, inclusion became the goal as was acknowledging the myriad combinations and utilities of any given decision making process.  The plethora of potential possibilities marked the indecisiveness with overwhelming confusion.

Though, one day, something that has been desired without knowledge finally takes shape; there is finally some concept of what that desire needs to be in a physical form. The next step is always finding a way to come into a state of constant proximity; to achieve "possession" of the desired "thing".

If there is an answer on how to achieve, then should the overall complexity of it be more complex than the sum of the whole of the parts?
It is numbing and the only feeling is that of the icy cold stressed blood running through the veins like a river from distant arctic rains. Life, spent looking into the sky to disguise the tears. The moisture, coalescing to slide to an open air free fall.
Smile for the good things, not to hide the pain. :-)

The Zulu Sage of the Closed Eye

Holding contending views in the same regard is the epitome of intelligence.

Own your view of the World and open your heart to freely allow it to grow unrestricted by the ills of society.

Perception is reality. A truth is nothing less until it is proven to be less than true.

You may think that you see the World with the eyes that are ever consuming the gifted light.
However, without the symbolisms that define that which you see, your limitations would reach far beyond that of a physical set.
And thereby, exist limited without form.

With the eye that accepts "light that is without physical presence" is the true vision into the World you see.

I Will Never Envy the Serpent Within You

Grandiose in the name of pride and self worth. A mistaken concept if ever I followed one.
Purely tragic, the misconception of viability based on accomplishments and deeds.
When individuals are subject to the whispering voices that urge them onward from within. At any moment these voices could sense something that is not what it seems or make more out of a situation than necessary(i.e. crying over spilt(sic) milk).

Being a human being is a particularly confounding phenomenon with all of these idiosyncratic labels devised to denote some convoluted station in an unwritten caste system that somehow despite the unspoken nature of it all, we follow with very little disturbance.

Recognition & disrespect, two ideals that lead most  in search of them to ruin. Principalities and moronic moralities. Sophomoric ingenuity of the educated donk that uses his successes as his leverage when they should merely be used to inspire the future him that he will create tomorrow.
Sacrifice who you are today.
To be better tomorrow.
Just know who you need to do it for because everybody has a different answer.

Appetite and Discipline

Transformative years inspire changes that the remainders of our lives are spent putting into action.
Our wants and wishes, dreams, desires and needs all either conclude in prosperity or disaster depending on those years.
Anybody can redirect their aim but most people never think so deep as to gauge their successes.
More directly, people don't monitor what leads them to the Hells that they've come to know as everyday life.
Selfish, self centered, self importing, egotistical and small minded, we usually accidentally color out of the lines and find fines and social pariah status selectively.
Actively ruling out potentials that are absolutely possible and it is horrendous.
We focus on what the group sees as negative but we define it in such a limited manner that loopholes break free from the prison that which is without redemption and unholy.
And we praise it for staying beyond our reaches.

I felt that my life was ruined for trying my hardest to color in the lines but it has done little but to make me a hard lined, grim silhouetted figure that reaps the very precious final seconds of happiness in the moment.
Pariah? No, I am feared as Death is. And truthfully, I come bearing only love.

Negative Rabbit in the Magic Hat

Constructive methods of communication are a necessary pathway to maintain social rapport and interpersonal relationships.  But everything cannot be based in good karma, there would be no balance to the World and it would just simply fall apart. That is the phenomenon I call the negative rabbit. I have named it so, because it pops out of nowhere and often unwarranted and unnecessarily so.

Ever been in a relationship that was going fine and then one day the honeymoon was over? Yep! People don't get along for extended periods of time without conflict to suddenly, one day, become embroiled in a life or death situation over the empty box of cereal or the last of the orange juice.

Then you get self-proclaimed experts, who yammer on about how it is a deficit of an internal construct that has met destruction through some obscure action and needs to be rebuilt both externally and internally.  Now, my background is in Psychology and I am absolutely an advocate of the many potential uses and the overall validity to the art/science of Psychology. That however, does not mean I endorse quacks, who attempt to do things that they are neither certified nor qualified to do in the name of Psychology.

Given this attention, many people will reflect over personal interpersonal issues and attempt to renegotiate how they do business and with who they do that business with.  Unfortunately, it is deeper than that.

and thats all he wrote folks. Beware of the magic that bares the rabbit from which the negativity springs.  Finally, one word should bring forth your salvation: Magnanimity. Until then, I'll be that.

A Bluesy Wind

Can't stop the rhythm of the World.  Sometimes the air in the atmosphere feels heavier than if the open space were replaced with iron.  Where the appetite is missing simply because of the pressure despite a tremendous hunger brewing in the gut.  As the tears of a burning desire leap with faith from the tip of the cheek to find nothing but a rapid plummet into a rich yet vapid void.  In a manner where life is counted by a measure of heartbeats, with the tips of the inner extremities defining the extent of the pleasure experienced within interaction-able encounters.

The blinking eyes are outside of the time that the heartbeat keeps; illuminating the darkness of memories, to bring light to ideas, that can be held in the hands of the Father of Time.  While paying tribute and praise to the harbinger of life as it is known; Mother Earth where the beauty is defiantly complex.

Blind to the written words on the wall. Environments crumbling beyond the eye. The phoenix burns to be named Lazarus.  However, that light is not willed nor controlled.  Pain makes a beautiful life.

Betrayal & Disrespect

Not only are these resounding indications of how a person views your importance to their world but it also shows what they think of you in an eloquent and divisive action.
Many of us forgive the transgressions of those who mark us with such misfortune as a result of their inadequacies but it is not our place to be condemning, so forgiveness is the only clear route, right?
As far as I've come in my understanding of life, I still do not have the answer to that but I do have my beliefs.
My beliefs are not necessarily the most "politically correct" however I have the reasons for how I believe, especially in regards to respect and trust.
People who betray me and disrespect me fall very low on my consideration list.  The quickest ways to make me an enemy of yours is to commit a violation of either nature.

If the way you live has you feeling like you take too many losses and negligible gain then that lifestyle needs to change.  My lifestyle changes everyday and it won't stop improving until I find the one that fits for me.

Don't let people define you.  Their description of you is different than a definition. To fight a description is insecure and unrealistic as you cannot change who you've been or what you've done but you can change who you will be and what you will do.

To fight a definition is a direct refusal of submittal to a supposed title.  The difference matters a great deal.

Semantics when at the letter of the Law, pragmatics while enforcing it.  The meaning behind words is important.  While the meaning behind the meaning is even more crucial.

Until the Last Drop

In this effort of writing there will be no grand measure of poeticism, no ending moral or resounding finality to denote the end but a gradual trailing off of the thoughts.

My entire heart is open for being reformatted as to move beyond the current station of belief, passion and pain.  Simple contention however does not lend credence into actionable affect and every new construct must be verified and justified thoroughly.  This standard I will not apologize for nor find fault within myself for having stringent expectations.
Say what you mean and make your words worth the weight of the effort to the understanding and the amount of time spent awaiting. Be direct(no sugarcoats allowed).

There was a scene in a movie that made quite the impression upon me by associating several key daily operations to the task that the two actors were performing. The two men are brothers, who would occasionally race by means of swimming to a certain buoy and back to the shore with the first to arrive at shore as the winner.  One brother sets a precedence of winning that the other can by no means match regardless of training and effort.  Until, at some point, the brother that loses eventually asks the other why he(the winning brother) always wins.  The winning brother responds "because I never held anything back, while you kept energy for the swim back."

Why this is important is because I ran track- the dreaded quarter mile(400m dash)- and it made the World seem to progress in one direction; forward.  Always holding back, never considering that this two second delay could be the difference between life and death.

When the World and individual future is up in the air with such regard, every moment for maximum enjoyment must be capitalized upon.  However, the downside to that is that most regimented items of a day are thrown aside and downgraded in importance or relevance.

I am a morose character with a cheery inner glow and an over abundance of love that has been refined by the passions of my pain and my affinity for pleasures of joy.  I am a realist.  However, all that I am is what most cannot yet endure in stride and nobody wants to make time for a stranger.  Matter of fact, we judge strangers reflexively. That is okay.  Judging is a naturally occurring epiphenomena caused by caring.

Now that we have covered my train of thought and why I think that way, we should progress to why I see the flaws of people and their inner thoughts when others do not.

I do not believe that I've been gifted some divinity of reading individuals but to re-evaluate that for face value, it does not take a professional to see a disheveled or incapable operate for long before those traits become transparent.  I simply feel that paying attention is all that is required to understand the heart of others.
I see women and men go after potential mates and mentally note the issues.  Months later when these issues come to bear fruit, I find some validation that my predictions were proven.  Sometimes, it is not simple to know what you see but thats when we use terms such as "feel" and "sense" and "perceive" to attempt to convey our beliefs.

Often, when asked I give what I best know to fit the questions I'm asked but I am often asked the wrong questions and when I answer the questions honestly people believe that my response is inaccurate. Attempting to "jack" my affirmations before I can find them.  I have found this to be an Ego related attack and that their predictability is somehow an insult to their lack of originality.  However, the contradiction in both thoughts is that there is no original form but combinations are far more individually motivated.
Thus, I define a part of the whole and they take offense as a whole on the basis that the sum of the parts is greater than the whole.  Which, I find confusing but people often make this misattribution to soothe their fear of inner inadequacy on the same hinge as their accusation.  This is where you serve as a mirror for them as if you are intended to hurl this same accusation back at them. Perhaps, I'm guilty of this very same phenomenon.  Amusing musings.

As I find my convoluted thoughts disarming on a personal level, I realize that this is the primary reasoning that separates me from the greater majority of individuals.  I am told by numerous individuals that I speak like a millionaire and think like a man hated by the World.  My only response is typically, "what kind of millionaires do you know?"
Over the course of my life, I have known several millionaires.  Learned from them and watched them interact with other people.  I can see why people would say I reminded them of millionaires; I ask people to raise themselves to my standards.  This is socially irresponsible of me.  I have a winner's attitude because I've won a great deal of athletic competitions in my adolescence and did not understand quitting.
So this heart of mine Loves with reckless abandon, desires without limitations, ekes compassion as if it were water freely eschewed from the precipice of any waterfall and captures the memory of those who love back as if in defiant refusal of forgetting.
Lately, however, I've received countless words that claim I am mean, that claim I am selfish. I cannot deny the selfishness because well, I say "I" a lot.  I feel like that "I" expresses my perspective...it isn't anybody else speaking but its also awkward to fall into sentences.
I've been told that I'm lazy but I do not know a body that works harder when at work.
Perception is a funny thing.
The rules are not the same for everybody.
Life will never be fair and any semblance is only imaginary.  Additionally, anybody selling you fairytales is taking advantage of your ignorance parasitically.
So as the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts, I realize that such is related to harmony.
Harmony is the story of my life.
Harmony is what I've been searching for ever since the concept of happiness was introduced to me.
That is what I seek and when I find myself disenchanted with the possibility of finding it, it is always harmony.  When I persist, it is only because I can taste the Harmony and when I feel like giving up it is because I've found no microcosm of harmony to put my faith in.

Contradictions can only exist when they find Harmony.  So, I'm not a walking contradiction but a walking wind of Harmony.  And from this point on, I will not turn around as Orpheus did but push forward with every ounce of my life until the last drop is forced out.

Til next time, it is all Love

Being Alone

There are plenty of situations that when measured as individuals against the leap of a generalization of the greater society, the individual appears squeaky clean and immaculately polished. Though, there are some definite sayings that I believe -when given some alternating perspective- will help grasp the overall view of how protection & love and adversarial relationships develop progress in a confounding manner.

1. "Diamond in the rough" : While given that the dirt is hardly a place for something so cherished and prized as a diamond, there is no denying that had it not been buried beneath all that is not treasured, then whoever would have found it would not cherish the diamond with the same passion or zeal.
All those viewed as peers are the dirt(I know it sounds arrogant but hang in there with me). Not that they are worthless but soil is only worth what it can do.  A diamond however is worth the appreciation, admiration and rarity that can be seen via the brilliant reflections the diamond gives off. It is worth what it brings out of an individual. (Hint: if you want to be the diamond; think of others first, always.)

2. "Do not look down on anyone because even children know things that you do not.": While this is fairly self-explanatory, the oft over looked nugget of wisdom may still jar comfort and complacency from focus-to-blur without notice. In our busy days, we use heuristics(basically stereotypes) to navigate situations and cut down on the necessary processing but in our haste we waste the most precious of all; appreciation.

Consider that offending people is what causes people to be alone. Often, it is not success but attitudes and actions that cause people to "hate" or begrudge success.  What has been done to cherish the individual? What has been done to make them feel worth living? The quickest way into the heart of another is to recognize them for what they are and what they aspire to be.  Listen to them as they talk.

At the end of life, the agent that affected the most change, earned the most money, garnered the most respect and experienced the most pleasure are never one in the same.  Isn't life all about balance for a reason? (Consider: All things in moderation.)

The Root of Acuity

Who hasn't been traveling to some destination to accomplish one of life's many obligations and noticed an unanticipated interaction between two or more parties? Given greater attention you notice that the parties are not only shocked but frustrated and overwhelmed with the new set of obligations.  How do you decide who is at fault when it is clear both people have had a communication error. Sure, it is possible that one party may be more responsible than another but who says that you know best what causes this communication break down?

What do you focus on? What have you decided would increase the culpability of one party and decrease the culpability of the other? Is that the standard that you would want to be judged based by?

For all intents and purposes, the set you have for judging others determines how you will interact with people on a general basis.  This also provides insight to whether you take the stance of a victim or the one that overcomes the obstacles placed before you.

If you are willing to forget your pride long enough to look at the raw worth of your actions and how others perceive you, then maybe you can see what you need to improve; open yourself up to constructive criticism and become a successful member of the World that needs your help.

Anybody can see that this World is in an overall decline, especially socially.  What the people do about it is what matters most.  What are you going to do about it? Are you going to be prideful and decide that what you have made of yourself is good enough or are you going to allow people who care and sacrifice for the sake of future generations to help you learn the best ways to sacrifice together?  What is pride when you are gone and your descendants are lost in the struggle? Pull that heart out and show effort that you care.  Words are beautiful, especially when those words are married to meaningful actions.

Last Man on Earth

The time has come to make introductions. Considering that I am the author of this weblog, I recognize the obligation to take the first efforts in opening up and sharing some fragments from the "mirror" known as my past.

Being born in San Diego, California gave me a taste of sunshine at it's finest.  Despite the poverty and overwhelming lack; the misery was more of a side note than the center of focus. At that time modesty is all there was as ramen noodles and sugar sandwiches were an integral part of the diet.

Military relocation plan, destination Germany. After Deutschland the plan was a return to the home of the brave. This move was for the beautiful but rainy state of Washington. A mere ripple in time 18 years later, an individual awakes into a mindset Heaven-bent on transcendental improvement through the efforts and preparation that only a severe attitude adjustment could offer.

There was a point when I felt the vastness of my  superiority like the majority of these self importing entertainers and supposed artist.  You know them, when they declare absurd claims of being the "last real" gangster; businessman; hard-worker; type of a dying breed; etc.
Well, I refer to them as "the last man on Earth" because that is indicative of how they treat people, like there is no such other that could compare to them.  Beyond their intelligence is their ignorance, which shatters intimacy and acceptance on a personal platform.

In my life; in other chapters, the center was never to deviate from the self.  Perpetually relating all things perceived back to the only thing thought to be known; the thoughts/ego/self/persona/physical manifestation represented & defined in mental and spiritual constraints.  Where only the knowledge one commands determines the worth. But there is a saying, "You are worth as many people as the languages that you speak." which was instrumental in helping to refine my understanding of intellect and community.

Ultimately, there will be those of whatever echelon of awareness that will claim absolute grasp of information and wealth but the thing that is most important is the unknown unknowns. In other words, perception is life and if your perception is bathed in faith of self then you have the misfortune of being particularly lost within the darkness of pride. You will never know that your eyes have been closed until you finally open them. Just pray that you aren't the "last man on Earth" when you come to humility.