My Next Move

This...blogging experiment was introduced by a person who I felt betrayed me deeply. I have come to be conflicted. However, such is the nature they handle their business and if it doesn't improve, it will be the way of that persons world. I wish them the best. As for me, I need to plan my next move. My last few were predicated solely on my ability to chase that woman. In this instance, the age old adage of "Never chase women; chase money" was true. I had a good job making good money that I was good at. I had a legitimate business that was growing and I sacrificed that all just for the opportunity to get to know that woman. You may want to know why. It is because, over everything I know, nothing has been so valuable to my moments here on Earth as love has been. I made every sacrifice seamlessly and without remorse. I rehash all of this to say that it is time I grew. I do not have time to sit around pining over a lost love. That time I spent chasing her, I don't feel like it was free, cheap or easy. I feel like it cost me a great abundance of my desire. Luckily desire is something of inspiration. All I need is to find a new muse. Perhaps, I have. But before I think another thought, I need to take note of my social health as I am not 100%. I am, in fact, somewhat compromised. That ain't the issue because I heal exceptionally quick nowadays. The problem exists for whomever decides to be next. The problem is giving her more than I gave the last one. I do not care what I need to change; what I need to improve to become an incomparably better man than I was before. I have done this time and again. Each time I do this, I give a more refined version of myself. I make short work of my faults. I find new, greater understanding. I learn a deeper, wider and more comprehensive acceptance. I do away with more of my prejudices, biases and assumptions. I learn to read not only my desires better but I learn to read their desires better. I improve my ability to communicate. I dedicate my life to improving my health. I do all of these things because I want to use my understanding of my self to prepare myself for what the woman offers me. I'll know how good she is for me by how much weight I keep on my frame. I'll know how much she inspires me by how much poetry I write. I will know how much trouble she gives me by how much pain I use as ink. I am always aware, well, until I ain't. I'm human; sue me. I just want to put all of these thoughts out there so that I may know full well what my plans are because I definitely don't spend time thinking of scenarios to react in. I spend my time emptying my pain into the nothingness of consciousness. I spend my time being blank unless I'm engaged in an activity. All things considered, I have a regimen to initiate and my determination and dedication are supplied to full stock. It is time I get it in.

I am no different than any human and I need love. For now, the love of my many friends will suffice. But before long, I'll long for an intimate, sensuous connection to sustain me. Lie to me...as long as it feels real, I will be fine. Seriously, though, I will be fine as long as it feels real, I just don't respect anything but the truth.

Ooooh. I'm getting side tracked. Well, I am the type of person that sees the potential greatness in something but appreciates it for what it is at current. I'm weird like that. That I can take something as is with no promise for change because it has potential. I see myself as the architect. I build night and day. I avoid thought by immersing myself in my task. Currently, my task is to plan out my next move. And though my mind is jumbled, I will get through it.

I need to heal. I've done much of it but I'd be lying if I said I was without wound.
I need to build. I'm not epic enough and I will become more epic.
I need to forgive. Forgiveness is automatic with me for everyone except myself.
(Forgiveness isn't not talking about something anymore. It is just accepting that holding a grudge is pointless and letting go. In other words, forgiveness is not forgetting).
I told a few lies in my past relationships. I will not do that again. My mistakes are human. My mistakes make me vulnerable.
I need to be sure that the person I am betting my future on is worth that effort.(I'm not saying the people of my past weren't...I am simply just saying).
I need to get my income steady. I need to get back up and get back to being the lucky person I'm accustomed to being. I have a tremendous life energy. I have too much love to be contained by hate and discord.
I need to live to my potential. I'm rich beyond all means because more than anything and anyone, I have me. The power of that statement alone is the key to life. "Drop me anywhere on God's green Earth and I'll triple my worth." I am sincere. I am earnest. I am honest. I am that dude. I'm the one you want in your corner. I am a soldier of light and love. I am the epitome of the spoken word. I won't stop until she is in my arms and she loves me deeply. Whoever she is only time will reveal.  But before I'm ready for her, I need to make my next move. And that move is my first move. Get it right. Get it tight. Who's in the house? Say my name. You know the game, it's full of pain. Ain't nothing to explain and losing is profane. Can't no person cheer me up. Well, not some regulah, anyways. So, whoever I am with has to spark at least as much passion as to hear her voice and feel no pain. Let her voice be music to me "when you hear the music you feel no pain..." and then it will be written.

Hahaha...good thoughts, rambling and repeating. I guess I am well on my way. I bet you I can feel my next move. Will you take that bet?