Never imagined I could be so hurt

This is going to be another bitter man hurt post rant, well kinda. You see, I have this winner mentality and I refuse to give up on a person as long as they are there and working with me toward progress. When I met her, everything slid into place for the first time in my life. She exonerated every insecurity I ever had in just a few conversations. She was the woman I wanted. I had made my mind up, then & there that I would not let her get away. I just had no idea how heavy the scars would feel from giving 99% of me as a show of faith.

She had trauma in her life. I've had a little in mine. I felt like being together would heal us. I wanted to make sure that she was completely alright to move forward, with me. I asked all of the right questions and jotted the responses on a notepad in my head. As time marched forward, we unintentionally hurt each other by either joking or trying to protect each other. It was like break up to only rediscover that initial spark of greatness that we shared. All of the annoyances along the way helped me to look at my behavior in a meaningful way and decide to mature instead of staying the same. 

I'll be honest, I'm from a wildly emotional family. Passionate about everything is each of us. We are lover; fighters; orators; we go for ours. My father is a bit different. He is relaxed, strategic and purposeful with his every effort. I have a very peculiar mixture of both. This makes me very reserved yet prone to moments of inspired social brilliance. Inside of my thoughts, these moments are one in the same. To everyone around me, it makes me appear to be randomly energetic. It is confusing. Mixed with extremes of hot & cold in a world where warm doesn't exist. People don't like handling me. And that's fine, there is no obligation. However, this woman, she appeared to exist in the same realm betwixt the cut & dry versions of black & white. As time moved on she became more white than black; more cut than dry and less gray in between.

She began to move from our connection. I'd try to remind her what she was losing but she didn't like the idea of communicating her inner fears as to help me help her. She did not like to bring me in. She just blurted things; hurtful things and expected that I would be able to handle the broadside of negativity flowing from her mouth ever so constantly. And that began to wear at me. I began planning for an escape. I knew I couldn't maintain our stagnation. I had to be honest with myself & her. I was and it hurt me a lot to do so. She made what seemed like a final push for us. I wrote so many blogs asking her if she could dedicate her energy and effort to bringing us together. Of course, she told me that I was the only one for her. I was her last hope. I would tell her that I shouldn't be. I would tell her that she shouldn't give up on love because we didn't work out. I would tell her to have hope and faith and to stay positive because that is who I am. Or, shall I say, who I was until I lost her.

We decided that we would finally, after two years in the dark, make our relationship "Facebook official". That lasted for about two months. I moved in with her for a week. She had an issue with her job and got all rattled. I thought it was a bit too easy for her to be fundamentally shaken over a little job scare; after all there were two of us. We could find a way. My parents are not struggling, finally. I had support. She began to bring up how exes had trust and inheritances that made her feel comfortable. She has a son, so I tried to be very understandable. She MUST provide comfort and safety for lil man. She asked me to leave. I complied. I thought, that she would come to her senses. Instead, she waited three days and sent me a text message referring to a common sad song about good byes. I'll never forget that level of anger. To be in such a low place because I keep giving effort because it was asked of me and to have that trust destroyed in the effort of 150 character text? I deserved to be handled better than that. I urged her to call me and she basically did the same open ended good byes she had been doing for the prior two and a half years. It hurt. I recovered by telling myself to hold out hope and see where she came up for air. It was nowhere near me.

Three weeks go by and I have a mutual friend with her. She has known him longer but I'm actually a friend to him. Well, she doesn't really excel at interpersonal communication. But she will lie and tell half truths to alleviate her sense of guilt & shame. She cages herself in a prison of conceptual pity and stays there roasting in the hell of her own design. I tried tirelessly to break her out; to inspire her to desire freedom. None of my attempts worked. I tried to literally take her to church when science wasn't working. Nothing I utilized served any purpose. Anyway, I've gotten off track. This friend of ours called me because I told him about our break up. When he called, he asked me if I had talked with her. I responded with "Of course not". He then says, "well, she's engaged". MY HEART STOPPED. ALL OF MY PAIN ENDED. MY SPIRIT DIED. I realized I wasn't giving her 99% of me but everything I had. And when I heard that, a mere three weeks after I moved out, I was completely demolished. I called her, to see why she didn't tell me herself. Cowardice. Pitiful explanations. She said God showed her the way. Ironic he speaks now. 

All my life, I poured myself just shy of the brim just so that I didn't end up spilling myself about for someone who wasn't truly worth it and here I end up splashed all over still. I tried to hold myself together. Thought I'd be alright because of how well I seemed to accept and understand what transpired. Then, two or three days later, I broke out into tears. Those tears became sobbing. I was falling apart. I was aching in a place I couldn't feel. I sincerely wished her happiness despite the pain she caused me. I know her pain is deep. I'd rather her be happy than sad. Not even a small doubt in my mind. Even still, I do not feel like I needed to be discarded and hurt so very callously. I admit, the engagement is what hurts the most. To be done publicly and so soon after we part. I felt like it was intentionally damaging. This same thing was done to her a few years back. I took that in mind and tried my best to let it go. 

In the following weeks, I did my best to cling to positive energy from other women. Guys just tend to annoy me. I'm pretty sure I have issues from growing up without my father. I've got to. I had to be strong on a level so close to evil that it is hard to come back completely unscathed. The other women helped a lot. There was a ton of consideration and love flowing my way. Eventually, it did not matter anymore. Eventually, they were all echoes of how "expensive" I'd made myself. How valuable I should see myself. But I wasn't one man's trash...I was simply trashed trash. And I began to slip in my effort to climb out of depression; out of being humiliated by the supposed love of my life. 

It was at that point that I said to myself "Fuck everybody, I'll climb out of this for me & I'll do it now". And in the process of doing that, I began to feel much better. I had studied what I was going through. I did more research and rehashed my notes. I gave a damn in the moment and I put in a serious effort to overcome my emotions because emotions can change. 

Fast forward another few days to today. I'm playing tetris battle on facebook and level'ing up fairly easily when I stop for a moment to check in on twitter. I get to twitter and somebody brings up an old song. That old song takes me to a newer song. That newer song reminds me of an even newer song. When I play that even newer song, the tears begin rolling down my cheeks and I'm slightly surprised. And before I know it, I'm sobbing again. At this point, it has been 4 weeks since I was last caught sobbing. I feel like a bitch for sobbing. I feel like less than a man. I feel like hiding in every dark corner I've ever not been able to see into. And in this moment, as it happened five minutes before I decided to write this blog post, I decided "No! I will not run and hide and keep my shame private. Fuck er'rybody." This my blog and ain't nobody need to read it. Judge my life. Feel how you feel. 

In a moment where I'm so hurt that it feels like the soul is being sucked out of my eyeballs into a pit of fire, I've decided that ain't nothing nobody can tell me about being me. All of my doubts and hesitations, fuck'em. I am who I am and I've worked damn hard to be me. Call it what you like. You don't have intercourse with my dick; don't feel full from my food; don't feel ill from my sickness and you don't hurt from my pain. Why would I then care for your judgment? 

So, today, I realized that hurt like this isn't about healing. Hurt like this isn't about looking backwards or being mature. Hurt likes this is purely from the indoctrinated morals of society. The hypocrisy of a person who pretends to subscribe to a much higher doctrine of thought. This is the depths of betrayal. And I am in complete awareness that my pain could be much worse. It just doesn't seem to matter in light of what I just experienced. 

If anybody asks me "who hurt you" I'll be able to stand up and look them square in the face and tell them the truth, "It was me. I hurt myself." And that is the direction I'll choose to go in from now on.