Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Pleasantly Vile

Throughout the day, as the shade shifts & time travels the narrow passage; water, earth & air are consumed in the flames and reborn in the same manner. The relentless expansion of now. We hope to capture and subjugate that ever fleeting moment in a bottle and reproduce it at will. I do not know if there were ever a human being that could indeed swear on a stack of Bibles that there wasn't at least a single moment in all of their coalesced seconds that they would desire to cling to for just a moment longer.
And that is the beauty of it all. The inability to look backwards as did Orpheus in loosing himself of all he cherished. We are Orpheus. Despite knowing better and being restrained to our benefit against turning our heads to reverse, we are undaunted in our pursuits to break the hold that limits our ability to turn our collective heads to the past and relive those expired moments. Yes, I'm talking about time travel. No, I'm not crazy. Yes, I believe we should live in one direction. No, I'm not fascist in my belief; creed how you need. All I am saying is that, for your best individual benefit, have faith and go forth. Leap strongly into the winds and know that you will be carried. Whether you are carried by your inner passions or a greater being, it matters not. All that matters is that you leave it all in your chest and decide on the determination to make the best of what ever situation you have.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Then Let it Be

Perhaps I've resorted to blowing smoke up my own ass. When I walk into a bathroom and look into a mirror, I feel happy. I see my face and sigh from relief that the person in the mirror is somebody that makes me proud. The person in the mirror definitely strives to overcome every problem set before him, regardless of what he says. Because at the end of the day, he would much rather know that he put as much effort, ambition and planning into his response to the World's request of him (at that moment), as possible.

I ain't the quickest to see the thing that I'm looking beyond. Snakes would have bit me all day long. I'll move everything piece by piece simply because of this ability to overlook the side of a barn. I'm the type that needs explicit directions because otherwise everything is far to vague for me to comprehend. I have my strengths though. Back up off me!

Often, I'll attempt to control or manipulate the outcome by sweetening every deal for my desired resolution. Typically, I'm clever enough to pull this feat off without much ado. With women however, this is the least successful in my employ.

Women that I've dealt with don't typically appreciate the healthy approach to human interaction. I'll be damned but there is a certain trend. All the girls have this same absent minded tendency to just suddenly fall out of concentration. Yet and still, they were all individuals. These women seem to respond more to "senses of duty" or manipulation or competition. And I continuously attract the same type. So, I've been working on me HARDCORE. Seems that the more I improve, the less it matters to these girls. (<---yes, if you've noticed that I'm calling them girls, it's because I'm a little bitter).

Cannot be honest. I'm too soft with my words. I'm to blunt with my words. I'm mean. I'm the nicest guy they ever met. Apparently the only thing I am consistently is confusing. So, forget it all...I mean, for now, why bother attempting to maintain with a woman that is only going to be partly there in the first place? Nope, I should just allow myself to use them like toilet tissha. Each one of them will be worth some sort of plus, I'm sure.

Either way...I'm going to lay my head down for a while...I'm tired of this mess right chere.

Or...

maybe I'll just continue to keep working on my improvement, acknowledge the cycle for what it is and then let it be.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Argument

Okay, the moment of truth has arrived. I've been avoiding the obligatory relationship topics. I mean, it appears to be the niche of bloggers far and wide. Did I mention that if a blogger of color composes a blog, no less than 95% of that material is allowed to be about relationships? Yeah, I want to steer clear of the obvious engorging others with my experiences with the hopes that they could derive some benefit from it. Why? Because the short form regurgitation and application is something I hold great disdain for, as it removes the idea of practice & cultivation as a central theme in the applicable situations. My point is that people need to work to achieve a certain understanding and gifting them perspectives they haven't worked to is a selfish love. We shouldn't seek to save others pain but to help them develop the strength to overcome their weaknesses. Life ain't easy on purpose: survival of the fittest.(For all you semanticists, not the physically fittest but the entire package fittest).

With that being said, relationships offer people a mirror to stand in front of so that they may better recognize who they are. Why do I believe that? Simple. There is no source of conflict when there is little to no investment. However, when there is a great investment and a threat that the return may be minimal, emotions become a central motivator and things get personal. At this junction the conflict becomes salient. Conflict serves this purpose as a means to continue maintaining the relationship. The obstacle that conflict supplies must be overcome otherwise the pairing will dissolve. That is the opposite goal of getting together in the first place. This is where people need to learn to flex their truest sense of diplomacy, equality, social etiquette as well as their resolution skills.

There are innumerable ways for conflicts to progress (we aren't talking logical progressions). Typically, there will be a meeting of the minds amicably(good terms); a meeting of the minds grudgingly(good terms);a disparity of the minds(bad terms); agreeing to dislike each others ideas absolutely(bad terms) and of course the situation where no "ground" is gained whatsoever. [I split the directions into these four different absolutes for a few reasons: it's grid based logic and very simple to follow; there is an easy way to contrast and compare the different interactions; people who don't like to delve too deeply in contemplation/introspection can appreciate the brevity of the layout and it offers a quick learning curve to those who have little-to-no experience with this sort of idea.]

The most frequently occurring method of interaction is for an individual to speak from their perspective and how they see things/situations/interactions. This is an extremely limited way of communicating because it offers that this perspective is the best since it is a major player to initiate the conflict. These people should listen more and seek to talk less.

Next, would be the people who offer that they know some other person or have interacted with some authority to validate their internal set of thoughts. Unfortunately, this also relies on the original participant to be reliable in the manner which they relayed the makeup of the situation. Most people simple fail at it even while attempting to be impartial. These people need to learn to study their own ignorances and apply their own earned intellects to their own independently fostered complications.

Another way to go about interacting is the pretentious and unfortunately arrogant perspective of either "I'm trained in this so I'm better" or "I feel how I feel and you just need to accept it whether I'm right or I'm wrong". These are extremely unfair vantage points. You don't manipulate people into an obsequious position simple because you believe you have an advantage in one way or another. That isn't how strength works and unwittingly, the person in the "know", has become a slave to knowledge that they presume to have agency over. The tragedy is that these people may be correct but the invalid nature of their stance corroborates an inherent weakness with their approach which almost always leads to them violating their personal truths.

Yet another way is for the person who is simply the door mat for everything that is brought against them. Each individual must make an informed, well-composed and legitimate attempt to help improve their mate as well as themselves. This is something that not only illicits signs that one is invested but actively so and willing to "roll up the sleeves and get to work" improving together. This is a very important measure that is often underestimated by men of good intention.

Lastly, it'd be the people who seem not to be invested at all but simply dislike the idea of being proven wrong. It's such a misleading action. If you couldn't care less, then make that known and save everybody involved in the other person's life a bit of heartache and let them be without much ado. This is important. Personally, these people have more trouble than any one person needs. However, passing that pain on isn't helping anybody. If you cannot handle your own deal, then you might as well stay alone. There is absolutely no reason to bring misery to every heart you visit between here and home.

In closing, we all have had some form of these perspectives at some point in time. But the important function isn't where you came from but where you end up. Keep growing and continue to work on your arguments. The more effort you put into being in the quadrant with positive signs all around you, the happier you will be with what you accomplished by even getting there. And things only improve from there on. Attitude is everything here. Keep a good one and no matter the struggle face you wear, the argument won't get the best of you.

But I'm not infallible, maybe you see some part of the legend that I neglected. Hmmm, well add if you can and if you cannot, thank you for reading. ;-)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Magic: Deeper than Lexicon

Those who title themselves with absolute one-up type words are dealing with massive insecurity issues. Of course, this is not a global truth. Who really needs to be known as a god? A lord or a king? The all knowing perhaps?

Exactly, nobody need be known by these terms but a person that desires to be known by these terms has come to desire such by the ever looming sense of lack. These people are aware of the magical power of words. However, I doubt that these people grasp the magnitude of deference required to use such words. Also, I seriously doubt the extents of which they understand that how they communicate conveys countless ounces of personal information in very few words.

Not to be Sherlock Holmes about this all or anything but a person trying to detach themselves from a stressful situation isn’t going to submerge themselves needlessly. More directly, people don’t engage in stressful situations unless they have a spoken or unspoken pledge to resolve the problem or they enjoy being unhappy. Humans really are simple beings.

When somebody is mean to us, we typically respond with sadness. When somebody shares their happiness with us, we feel the urge to join in and enjoy a laugh or two. This ability to communicate energies is magical. Even more magical when these words, pictures or symbols otherwise can inspire this same set of responses with no direct interaction. The information that can be conveyed by these magical little markings. Really, words are an intriguing connection to all of the amazing accomplishments of our ancestors and achievement sciences. Just imagine how poorly evolved we would be without words…especially written words.

And this feeds back into how words not only say more than the words that were uttered stand to convey but what wasn’t offered. The pictures that weren’t painted often tell a story of what the person sharing these words, sees. Now, some may be asking why it would ever be important. But people do not or cannot always share the truth. People often have hidden agendas and ulterior motives. It is important to know whether the person is being forthright and respectable when interacting with you and those you care about.

Be the mage, wizard or other well read and experienced wielder of the language of birth. Learn more languages to speak for more people. After all, this is a blessing to be seen as fit to hold a conversation. The more skill & dexterity that is illustrated within the constraints of a conversation, the more people will go out of their way to engage and interact. That in and of itself is a sign of magic. What would inspire them to choose one over the other? Exactly, this ability to wield as a weapon, the words employed to integrate seamlessly with others. Acknowledge that. Accept that words are magic. Understand the limit of magic prowess. Become a first class mage. Win friends and influence demons.

It is up to the employer to deploy the proper strengths at the appropriate times. Blame no other for a notable lack in self. Assume responsibility. Grow to be equitable to others. Because words are important but it’s deeper than the words used but definitely how they’re used.

Good Luck…til then….:-)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The All Spark

I take a multi-vitamin that gets my chest to feeling all kinds of warm. Sounds odd enough but it keeps me from getting sick & that is a necessary function.
I already have a problem interacting with others. Primarily, these issues are based on my desire to convey thoughts that either amuse or confuse me. This vitamin makes me feel like a great man. Which only compounds the fact that most people don't have the maturity, patience, intelligence or composure to cope with me.
It ain't that I'm beyond most people, I'm not qualified to know where I stand in relation to others. I do know when I see people making mistakes. I do know most of the mistakes I make. And I try really hard to correct my mistakes and interact with people like my mother & father are present & observing my behavior. Of course this sounds stressful and no my parents weren't this overbearing. I seek that I shouldn't be ashamed of anything I'd do. I sought to be a good man. Many don't trust me...they attempt to judge by my looks and how foolish they are.
The goal in all this rambling & jumbled thought is that I'm aware of who I am & why I am that way. I understand what leads people to believing what they will about me. I take the time to digest how they think and experience the world. After a while, people seem the same our like carbon copies of one another. It gets boring. The rare people typically have too much pain to enjoy.
This is another reason I love that multi-vitamin that I take; it helps me focus on what I really want to think about: the future beyond the unpleasant present.

I'd say think about it but odds are, if you've made it this far then you probably already understand what I'm saying.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Greatest of Expectations

I'm an "easy to get to know" type of guy. I don't really struggle while interacting with balanced and well-adjusted types. I really cruise through most social interactions with less than minimal difficulty. TooT*. I'm a smart guy. I am a handsome guy. I try just hard enough to express the importance of being about a greater position in society. I focus on growth.

Some people swear to be about a life that they cannot truly embody simply because their constitution isn't capable of containing formidable lacks in perception. People that often force their views of the World. She was that great in my eyes. She pumped herself up. She was as arrogant and egotistical as I ever even aspired to become. She was more focused on self and future as anybody I know. And as unrealistic as she was, I accepted her for every bit of it. I lusted and obsessed...(well not really). I honestly, merely wanted to spend time with her. Everything I could do to spend time with her, I did. I moved 300 + miles and I even went places she told me she'd be (and that it was okay to be there at the same time). I habitually stepped to the line of preoccupation but I would always wave myself back a few steps. All in all, I was just too into her. She swore that she was every bit as into me and maybe even more. That, I now know to be untrue.

There were moments in where she would claim to be sick so she would stay at home and invite me over. Alternatively, there were moments where she claimed that she sacrificed that time to spend solely with me. An inconsistency I would not accept. The lie was too easily conceived. Too convenient. Those ambiguous moments weren't acceptable and were feeding into my apprehensive relationship with trust. I never truly trusted 100% of what she said. She however, was more consistent than most everyone I knew, thus I accepted it. Seems that I should not have considering her ex-boo thang thought he was the still current boo thang. Maybe it's because they saw each other so much. IDK. I feel the trouble coming. I feel as if I've been sacrificed.

My ability to cut my heart in half emotionally was honed as to be able to avoid a situation to which there was no reprieve. I always need an option for survival. This is only important because I always gave her the option of ending it no matter where she and I stood to ensure that I wouldn't be cheated on or needlessly led astray because she didn't know how to cut the ties that bind. Yet and still, she needlessly kept me tied tightly to her, insisting that she truly loved for me and was in love with me.

The final straws were my request for words to keep me vigilant in an observance of our bond. Yet, she had no words for me (well none that applied to satiate my request). She had hugs & kisses. She recollected enough between us to thank me for "The Greatest Love" and from those words forward, my heart wept profusely. I miss her in every way.

She is sickly. Allergic to many foods and emotionally self defeating. She attempts to use negativity as a tool of focus but inherently fails because "knives can only be used to cut". Positivity and affirmation are the best ways to not only edify your actions but consolidate your determination into consistent productivity with minimal burn or residual affect.

All in all, the game at hand is that this was by far the most impressive woman I had ever met. She paralleled my mother in several meaningful ways. I loved the way that this woman loved me. She was tough and seemed true. She once nurtured my weakest portions and fortified my ideals. She helped me unto another level, kind of. She provided the obstacle and the inspiration to overcome said obstacle. No other woman has yet to provide such a promising goal despite the physical limitations. Needless to say, her potential was substantial. However, I may have been blinded by the idea that her intimate parts hadn't been tangled with in a serious amount of time. Or that she seemed so deeply concerned with my being.

Truly, I think I was addicted to her voice and body despite the negative effect of it on her life. Additionally, I think she was merely addicted to my coddling nature and patient approach to confrontations; my gentility. Either way, that ride came to a screeching halt when I became a reason for her academic struggles. For one, I vowed to not allow my presence to be a distractor for her. Secondly, the situation itself was only blown out of proportion due to her inability to handle conflict maturely. Or maybe I'm just an idiot in this particular instance. I'll be that. I am in love with her and that love has most assuredly placed me on the unstable side of determination. And though I'm recovering from that love (quite the kicker, eh?) the thing that hurt the most is that she may have real issues with my moment of unrest, the way she has dealt with it was most confusing and misleading.

She said she quit and that was all I needed to hear. I won't pursue beyond being requested to disengage. Just not my style. I'm the guy in "What Dreams May Come" and I'll dive into the bowels of Hell to retrieve my love or simply keep her company. The moment love becomes clearly unappreciated, I take my love to someone who will appreciate what I have to offer. Regardless of the pain I live through, my entire existence on Earth will continue to be predicated by my possession of love embodied. And though she may disagree, the sacrifices I made are what allowed her to live the life that she did while we were together. I'm burnt but not bitter. I'm expressive but not consumed. I'm passionate not obsessed.

Right now, moving on is difficult but not impossible. Losing the light in that potential woman hurts more than any other loss and though I cried beforehand, I have yet to shed a single tear afterwards. It simply hurts too much. Honestly, all I want to do is have non-committal sex with tons of random women. I want to feast on the bodies of so many other women that I forget I ever had her. Letting go is beyond painful for me but I will recover. For her, I hope that she is able to overcome losing me if it is difficult at all. I hope she is able to find the man that truly fits into her World without burning every second as I did.

When I entered into that relationship with her she was the Phoenix and I was the water that soothed her burning flesh. As it went on, she matured into the fire and I became the Phoenix burning through rebirth after rebirth. My life could never be the same and in many ways I wish I never met her but ultimately I wouldn't be living if I didn't have all of this loss of her to accompany my smiles. I don't know how to continue life from here on...she means everything to me. Every ounce of my fiber only wants to hug and comfort her but time has decided to depart me from that soul. It is time to burn alone as my greatest of expectations has burn out.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Swan song of my soul's mate

$@&€-Perhaps this is the emotional ramblings of a diva dude or a punk-bitch but this is my perspective about how things progressed from opening my heart to closing my eyes to the light of love, on my end.
I'm not airing the trials out for public consumption but the imagination that I use to describe my views will be a poetic justice.-$@&€

In the beginning, the world was cold & dimly lit. Being born unable to navigate the treacherous fangs, gangs & claws of this vapid existence, the only option is to move towards growth. Growth was always positioned near warmth (call it the hedgehog's dilemma). Of course, in attempting to find a way into the warmth of the light of love, heads will be bumped, toes will be stubbed, confusions & contusions will be had & bones will be broken. Life happens.

As is most likely, a lonely stumble into the arms of another alonely promises comfort & protection. This shimmering of light betwixt the two darkens as the two fall apart the divide of time. Quite literally saddening since all either side ever wanted was to be accepted; loved. With these types it's pretty much rinse & repeat. Each time getting a deeper scouring on the dingy glowing light of love.

Until finally, the brilliance from such a connection is simply too much to behold. The moment where the souls combine to create an unbelievable radiance that, for all intents & purposes, nobody else will ever comprehend. This will lead others to produce interference, hateful rhetoric, dissenting ideas...all while the struggle is already real with divergent goals, pride, egos & basically anything else that could provide a reasonable obstacle to longevity & happiness.

When this connection frazzles to begin falling apart, the tears will fall. These tears are different than all the others. These tears fall taking within them pieces of the formerly broken hearts, essences of each of the individuals & vapors from the great waters of each of the souls.

The pain of loss and absence is beyond crippling. Like drowning in a sea of one's own blood plasma but living to describe the agony. The emotional torment is at the limit of all of creations conceptual edge. Appetite vanquished. Personal longevity in question. Not many tangents are possible, success or failure; pass or fail.

But how does the world see it?

Outside looking in, all that can be made of it is a simple perfect match or incompatibility.

But how do they see it?

Inside looking out, this is the most significant war that will ever be waged. Even if it is only a war of tugging on heart strings.

Take a step back from the emotional picture. Imagine, if you will, an explosion-like a fire work- on the outside, a brilliant expression of dynamic colors, a flash of hot excitement & the cacophony of synergy. On the inside, innumerable combinations, reactions, competitions & consciousness streams of being.

Come back to the blank ness of no thing ness.

Imagine if you will, being part of that explosion. Imagine the warmth and sense of belonging. Picture the feeling of necessity. Embrace the entirety of more than becoming part of something unnecessary but of comprising something so magnificent that it feels like an addiction.

Pull back again.

Imagine the way it feels to be threatened with removal from something that yields to such a splendiferous state. That alone is instantaneous insanity.

Even worse yet, to feel as if you've been replaced by a set of outsiders & obstacles is no less than completely maddening.

Even if that feeling of acceptance should exist beyond competition. However, being realistic about the ephemeral states of relationships is something that only serves to lay waste and ruin to whatever pleasures may be held within a union. Too much in the way of doubt; too much in the way of lack.

And now you can see who I've become. How I got to where I am and why I feel like I've lost everything I ever wanted. Maybe she felt this way too, back then. I miss her and I always will.
She may not be perfect to the world, she may not be perfect to me but while in my arms, she could be no less than perfect.

Perhaps the future would allow us to come back as one. Maybe I didn't ruin my entire life. Maybe I'm simply being dramatic. Or maybe what's been laid to rest is dead & gone.

At this point, I can only hope that she will dawn a new day in my arms.
Ahhh, to what dreams may come...she is the epitome of my dream.
For now, I'm still smiling as my soul is leaking out my eyes.
Determined to be the greatest man she has ever known.
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Monday, October 3, 2011

The scars on my back

We all do things that unintentionally hurt ourselves from time to time. These actions leave their mark on us in the form of scars.
Scar tissue heals the wound that scars birth but replaces what once was, with something not nearly as versatile. Scar tissue is quicker to rip, puncture and bleed all while losing a great deal of the sensation of the original. Gift & curse.
Emotionally applied, this principle works the in fairly the same manner. And the people that enter into your life need to be aware of the sensitivity required to deal with you. Nobody needs to inadvertently make you bleed.
The scars of your past chasing you forward, ever persisting. No pause long enough for a moment of clarity in which you can once again have a life without the reminders of scarring.
The past, representing the actual moment in memory where the scar manifested, is akin to our backs. There is almost nothing we can do without involving our back. This is why it is ideal as a substitute for the past. Even while we don't think about it, there is somewhere, deep within us, that is never not considering the potential consequences that matches the fears of being reunited with injury. This is the past being firmly gripped to the bone.

To allow the scars the authority to make your decisions for you, you lose the autonomy; the sovereignty that we each so desperately work to maintain.

No matter what road you choose or how much love you choose to share, you will always be an individual. Though you may not always behave as an individual. It is important that you always make your own decisions and never leave them to the scars the lay to rest upon they back. As if wearing the world on your shoulders wasn't heavy enough.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

PT pt 2

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results
Gregariousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Sociability ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Poise |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Leadership |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Provocativeness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Disclosure ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Talkativeness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Group Attachment ||||||||||||||| 46%
Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 68%
Understanding |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Pleasantness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Empathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Tenderness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Nurturance |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 76%
Conscientiousness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Efficiency ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Purposefulness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Organization |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Rationality |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Perfectionism ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Planning ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Orderliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 63%
Stability |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Happiness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Calmness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Moderation ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Toughness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Impulse Control ||||||||||||||| 46%
Imperturbability ||||||||||||||| 46%
Cool-headedness |||||||||||| 34%
Tranquility |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 60%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Ingenuity |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Reflection |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Competence |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Quickness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Creativity |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Depth |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 79%
Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Personality Test

Factor low score high score
Gregariousness 62% quiet, reclusive engaging, socially bold
Sociability 70% withdrawn, hidden warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness 70% timid, gunshy controlling, aggressive
Poise 82% uneasy around others socially comfortable
Leadership 86% stays in background prefers to lead
Provocativeness 70% modest, plays it safe bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure 66% private, contained very open and revealing
Talkativeness 62% quiet, stealthy, invisible motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment 46% loves solitude prefers to be with others
Understanding 74% insensitive, schizoid respectful, sympathetic
Warmth 90% disinterested in others supportive, helpful
Morality 74% break/ignore the rules play by the rules
Pleasantness 78% aloof or disagreeable gets along with others
Empathy 82% out of tune w/ others in tune with others
Cooperation 66% competitive, warlike agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy 78% socially inconsiderate socially conscious
Tenderness 74% cold hearted, selfish warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance 74% self pleasing, me first people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness 58% reckless, unscheduled careful, planner
Efficiency 66% unreliable, lazy finisher, follows through
Dutifulness 74% leisurely, derelict strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness 50% inattentive, undisciplined prepared, focused
Organization 78% relaxed, oblivious detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness 58% impulsive, spendthrift restrained, cautious
Rationality 54% irrational, random direct, logical
Perfectionism 62% careless, error prone detail obsessed
Planning 70% disorganized, random scheduled, clean
Stability 74% easily frustrated calm, cool, unphased
Happiness 70% unhappy, dissatisfied self content, positive
Calmness 70% touchy, volatile even tempered, tolerant
Moderation 62% needs instant gratification easily delays gratification
Toughness 90% hypersensitive, moody thick skinned
Impulse Control 46% lacks self control maintains composure
Imperturbability 46% highly emotional emotionally contained
Cool-headedness 34% demanding, controlling accommodating
Tranquility 54% emotionally volatile emotionally neutral
Intellect 82% instinctive, non-analytical intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity 78% lacks new ideas innovative, novel
Reflection 86% unreflective, coarse art and beauty lover
Competence 82% slow to understand/think intellectual, brainy
Quickness 78% intellectually dependent intellectually independent
Introspection 74% not self reflective self searching
Creativity 74% dull headed synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination 82% practical, realistic dreamer, unrealistic
Depth 82% lacks curiosity mental explorer

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Monday, September 12, 2011

Working Towards Tomorrow

As my current way of living has very few days remaining (5) and I don't see anything being as prepared as I would like or need it to be, the anxiety I'm experiencing is tantamount to breathing. I do not believe that I have too much to handle. I do not believe that I am working to slowly. I do not believe that I am fully capitalizing on the position that I've worked myself into. Let's recap.

I have limited funds. I should be relieved that I have any funds at all. I have a great wealth of meaningless possessions that I rarely ever use or acknowledge. I have three non-functioning vehicles. I have the remainder of a few days in which to sort out these things.

I have resigned myself to removing at least one of these vehicles from my possession. Junkyard or lesser, it is far beyond my realm to care any longer. The other two: one being a motorcycle, the third being the central glutton of my moments and efforts. This must change.

I find that I pour myself more readily into nouns that have the most potential regardless of whether I can actually capitalize. This seems to be a flaw. I am stressed. This wiring detail is made so much worse by the understanding that things would flow smoothly had I the proper wiring details. Unfortunately, I'm caught unaware and ungaurded with no assistance or relief from the agonies of both my ignorance and my arrogance. Had I the unlimited capital or esteem of a businessman, I would have had this venture sealed within 30 days or less. From my bumpkin-esque perspective however, this has been a completely humbling experience. Can I live? Can I get a W?

Nonetheless, I forge onward, spending as little time weighing the mistakes of my past and pushing the regretful thoughts out of focus as to not discourage myself any further. What I've done may have been easy for some. Especially if those some had a network of help. I however, was no able to piece together a strong enough network to assist me beyond the ones I contacted letting me know that I was full of fail.

I should not be dealing with this, whatever it is. I should have moved forward. I'd mock myself if it didn't take so much time and energy of which I have little to spare.

But come Thursday afternoon and progress either has been negated or realized, I AM MOVING FORWARD. More importantly than now is Tomorrow. I'm living for that day. All these problems are simply me, attempting to figure out just how to make that day better for me. Cheer for me, encourage me, pray for me, let me go, hold me back, hate me, pray for my downfall or don't. Just keep me in your thoughts, please, I need the energy. I need your emotion.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Time I Focused on What I Want

You know how gangsters are always representing where they come from as if there is a verifiable filter that removes the lacking riff raff from squeezing through and not living up to the standard? Well, I hate to tell you this but we all "bang" our origins whether it be the state and our being accustomed to sunshine or which Ivy league school we are using to verify our intellectual prowess. It can become a simply sickening act of arrogance.

What we've done can define us as killers are rarely forgiven for that act. However, to say that I'm a pervert because I peeked in on a girl when I was in the 7th grade would be inaccurate. But that is the ambiguity there within the differences of those actions. The permanence tends to be what bothers people the most.

Let me change the speed up and speak in random maxims and phrases. You can punch a man in the face but if you insult his pride, somebody is more likely to feel the consequence of that action. Don't wage a war against an unknown enemy with unknown assets. Appear weak when strong, appear strong when weak to throw your enemy for a loop. Know thyself and your enemy is a simple plan away. If you cannot beat them then you should join them and beat them from the inside out. A person cannot give an insult that they haven't first felt. This establishes and explains the vicious cycle theory. The one who breaks tradition will be the one with enough courage to stand against all loved ones for what they believe in. When you find yourself on the side of the majority it is time to begin to reconsider your affiliations.

If you don't believe in positivity, then you don't have the tools necessary to understand the depth of the thoughts I am conveying via this blog.

I haven't lived for myself because it seemed pointless. But I've been abandoned far too many times. I've been alone on hard nights, life in my hands and not knowing what to do. With all of those spare moments and I still didn't have time to panic and relax. I didn't have time to think.
Now, that time has passed on. I'm beyond the point of living for others. I am left again. Sad and lonely, thoughtlessly abandoned. Except of course, for her. She is the only one willing to stand by my side. And you others denigrate her sacrifices to me because she doesn't do things the way you would prefer? She is the reason I'm alive. She is sustaining me.I smile all day because of her. Where are you? Exactly, living your life.

And that brings us to where we are. I see it is high time that I went out and grabbed some love and happiness for myself. As long as her hand is extended for me to grab onto, I will follow her into the flames of Perdition with a smile on my face. She is my reflection. She is the twinkle in my eyes. She is the silver lining to the depths of my sadness and nothing anybody thinks could break me of my conviction.

That's my woman; that is my Queen. I am her man; I am her King. And in this royalty will stand out against time & nature. Anyways, I'm falling asleep. I think she is pulling me into a dream so that we can spend some time. Good night folk....

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Neon Fazers 3.28x10

Buy me an empty box and wrap it up. Label that box with a note. Author the note to read of "hopes & the future".

Tell me how I will never be able to see your love. Remind me that only residual traces of it will ever be visible to me. Like the act of giving me anything. Detailing the time the process required to, not merely conceive but, initiate and produce the final presentable product.

Show me the time you are willing to spend with me by pointing to a clock as I unwrap this gift secretly preparing myself for what lay inside. Be sure to smile with anticipation and appreciation for my excitement of receiving a gift from you. Which clearly means something of sentiment to me.

And, as I peer into the empty box; searching for a meaning, jump for me with a hug. Cling to me with all the love you feel and the passion of how I make you feel. This, of which, is more important than the most precious of stones or the most expensive of toys. I am no mere man-child any longer. Superficial possessions bore me to no end. However, sharing with me how happy I make you feel is the best gift I could receive from anybody else...especially the ones I care about most. I am not hard to please.

Well, that is not altogether true. I need something physical to hold the memories in "manifestationed" form. My memory can be fairly dull at times and nothing serves like a good reminder than a good reminder. It can be anything really as I'm very sentimental. A piece of paper addressed to me and containing a phrase you commonly share with me is more than enough.

Either way, my birthday is rolling around soon. I'm currently in one of the best moods I've ever been in(I feel like I won the lottery) and I'm still dealing with the difficulty levels in life. The one thing I prefer more than anything else is to know that people give a damn without needing to be reminded. If they do need to be reminded that a special date is coming, then it is more like their standards and social imprint is speaking for them. Unfortunately, that just isn't the same for me.

I'd live contented on the family front if I never got another purchased gift from anybody that cares about me. That stuff is merely a confused statement of perceived obligation. I dislike allowing my loved one's to feeling forced to produce for me anything beyond emotions. Yes, I'm both cheap and extremely taxing.

To all the facebook "happy birthday" people, miss me with that. It has become customary to say happy birthday to people you don't know or don't communicate with often. But if you would have called me, I will know just because of who you are. For the people that do know, love & miss me, please remember that it only takes enough thought to show consideration and nothing more. I don't expect nor want more than that type of sacrifice from you. Just your love. Back in the '80's LL Cool J said it best "I Need Love".

Thanks to everyone who reads. Later. :-)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Alternate Reality

Quite a few movies and series capitalize on the easy access zero dimension manipulation to explain how things worked out throughout their story. It'll be easier with a few examples. I will start with the most relatable "Inception".

In the movie "Inception" the manipulation of time (zero dimension) comes in the form of casting dreams within a dream. The usage is to describe how quickly the brain operates through functions using the missions as a metaphor for processes. The idea however, will not be what the masses observe or recognize. Through the expanses of time, each dream that is launched within another dream is given a exponentially shorter window to work at this heightened level of output. Basically, real life is 30% output, a regular dream is 70% output, a second tier dream 89% and a third tier dream being around 98% output. I based my calculations on the time that was allotted for each dream sequence without sustaining damage. This nonlinear form of seeing time progress is very complicated. The manipulation of time is why I decided to list this first. Things only get more complicated from here.

The Adjustment Bureau. A movie about destinies and alternating paths of active agents. The only real reason to mention this movie is because distance divided by time equals speed or something like that. Speed is in essence a calculation based upon time. Again a manipulation of the zero dimension. Not in the sense that people were moving rapidly but that it was more a manner of popping in and out of places that were separated by great distances, in a matter of seconds. Such a way to move. I like the way you move.

Next is "Limitless". The movie that illustrated that drug use could potentially up our output to near 1000% momentarily. The only real thing is that all the pill really did was adjust what it would take effort and TIME to actually do. Time was the focal point of the movie. Everything was based on time lines, the ability to overcome time and perform as if time were irrelevant. It really limited itself in the sense that it could have capitalized on stronger aspects of the brain but in trying to keep it from going sci fi, they kept it grounded and cute. Though, they pulled a nice save with it(and was my favorite movie all year) it just could have been better thought out. Timing was key. Timing was everything.

Naruto. This is an anime. One character in particular is the focal point. Though, there are other characters that manipulate time in various ways, the character I'm talking about is Itachi. He was the most indelible character ever fleshed out in the story. Why he is important is that at one point, he dies due a sickness. He is revived and basically denies the existence of his death. Like Lazarus he came back from the dead. Time being one direction, he took and added more time to his future than was originally available. While this seems like more of a reach, take a moment to think what you would want more of in your final moments. Most likely you would desire more moments. Somehow, the author supplied him with such.

If black holes were to exist in a manageable form that would allow us to travel like the video game "Portals" does, then our time would be greatly expanded. Moving furniture and stealing items would all change drastically. Running from sexcapades with people you shouldn't be having sexcapades with would be easier. The abuse rate would go up and limitations would do more than regulate that industry....it would cripple life on the planet. One thing we humans are good for is being dissatisfied with what we have in comparison to others. Time itself is one of the greatest weights that we focus on and clearly it is in very subtle ways. Those who manage their time well typically end up in better positions than the slackers do. Time is clearly everything because once you run out of it, nothing even matters. Lauryn.

For me, alternate realities happen all the time I have an argument and step into someone else's World to see how they see the things beyond them. As of yet, I am under qualified to write this blog...that didn't stop me. Step into my alternate reality. Come and see what I see...at least for now.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Silent Fears (The Art of Letting Go pt. 1)

Are you a person that loves to sing? Have you ever been trained? Well, if you answered "yes" to the first question but "no" to the second, then you are just like me. Perhaps you have a better singing voice than I do. You see, I sound fairly bad when I sing, especially when I'm giving my best effort. I do not have much control vocally. The point is, if you are some what like me, then you probably have a fear of singing in public and being harshly ridiculed for a lack of apparent skill.

Let this day serve as the day that all of that changes

This video and a few others expose just how bad I am at creating an atmosphere with my voice alone. It is a harsh reality. I can deal with not possessing that sort of skill. What I could not cope with was the cold-hearted harshness of the opinions of others. I would love to believe that I am borderline brilliant but I seem rather average and slightly lower than that in many ways. With this realization at hand, I ask myself what I hold anything back for? Why fear anything devised from the World of man?

And that is why this post was made. Maybe it will be a bit of spiritual encouragement. Not to do what is right at all times. Not to do what you want at all times. Not to do what is fun or unfun or dutiful but to do what needs to be done to find the best balance of living. Navigate the stream of life energies. Feel the flow of electricities. Let go of the nagging voices whispering like a coward out of the corner of darkness within. Stand tall and speak out. The first step to letting go is indeed acknowledging a problem exist. This is the challenge. Use my video to ply yourself from your phobic imaginings.

Only thing that it'll get you is a different trajectory. This is how you become legendary instead of ordinary. Be better tomorrow by letting go who you are today.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

BNC - Skin

Blessing and a curse. My skin. My beautiful, well toned, brown skin. I thought I always loved it. I thought it was a source of pride and eternal defiance. I mean, I did not have a choice but to resist. I was born into this war, I did not start it. The side was chosen for me. Well, that is not altogether true.

I chose to see no flaws in my origin. As I compared the births for every color and the people within, I recognized nothing that separates me from other men. Of course, by that I mean besides my skin.

To recognize the potential for greatness was possible to attain; the improbable was the limit of what caught people insane. The verge of greatness and others pulled up lame.

I watched and learned and thought nothing of the hate. There were tons of racist and bigots that flowed this way. Thinking of their import to make their existence real beyond a perceive great.

People got lost along the road. Everybody born could be king. They usually lose out and tarnish their soul. Because they were never taught to cherish the fragility of that on thing.

So, I've learned from their mistakes and watched the way they did it. I thought I could explain it all the way down to the explicit. But really all I was doing was recognizing my fear unknowingly to them becoming submissive.

I awoke this morning feeling oddly aroused by the burden of the gift of my skin. How I could go nowhere that I've gone without unfeeling what I felt. That torment followed me. It excluded me. I've wanted to shed it for some semblance of relief. Nothing. No relief. So I retreated into myself where I knew love was. Because that is what I believe in. God is love. Love is God. Defined by religion, that God starts to not love people. The people mimic that ideal and suddenly instead of sharing the love of their God, they merely exclude and divide based on their fears and weaknesses. I believe this has something to do with the divide over the color of skins. Either way, I refused to be overwhelmed by their confusion. I focused on love and lost myself in it. My patience is proof. My tone is proof. I'm hard edged; straight edged. But when I awoke this morning and thought about how my skin covered me; how it chased every end of my limit; how it was the first thing people saw of me and thought of me and was surprised by my ability to not let it limit me and how I've grown beyond what seems to be an unmarvelous foundation. And I thought I loved it. I was less than fanatic but too calm about it; too sure that it was a great skin to have.

I just don't know anymore. As much as I am grateful for my skin and all the blessings that come with it, for the first time in my life, I look at it like it actually helped to bring me to where I am instead of me being the engine; the agent of change. And that thought was overwhelming. That I had less talent and personality than I perceived and it was more about what I didn't say than what I did say. That is completely underwhelming. I basically got to an obstacle and was not found wanting which let me pass unscathed.

So, my skin is a gift and a curse just like everyone else's. We all have a burden on our shoulders that we place on one another. And I've finally acknowledged the depth of mine. But as I grow, I learn more. This may not be as deep as it goes but as deep as I can see for now. For now, I will continue to do the best I know to do. The best effort I can muster. I'm not as smart as I want to be. I wish I were. I wish I could make the best decisions to connect with the people I want to. I found what I thought was the perfect woman but maybe I don't deserve her. Because as great as it seems our connection is, I aim for the target and miss all the same and I cannot blame her for not loving me through and beyond that. Some times losses are what makes us see just how we fail. It is how I came to see this skin in the first place, somebody took a chunk out of my pride by calling me a name. I will take that loss and every other and fight for my future. Like nobody else, I am building my momentum to winning the future. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One heart beat at a time. I will find the future. Walk with me.

Monday, August 22, 2011

One Button Keyboards

You ever wondered what life would be like if you could just think everything out mentally without needing to physically operate tools to scribe your thoughts to a medium? Like simply turning on your computer, waiting for it to load & pushing one button to publish your truest thoughts to whatever your purpose was. Wouldn't that make life a bit too easy? Don't y'all think there is a part of our humanity that requires our overcoming of daily obstacles? Wouldn't that life be boring to live?

Once upon a time, the simple life appeared to be the easiest one to live. That ideal no longer seems applicable to the World. Who can simply sit around and play all of the time?

There is more than one way to skin a cat, choose one. And when you choose that way, do not waver. Hold firm to your trajectory. Do not allow the winds of change to budge your vision. If you must adjust, be sure you are the one to implement the adjustments.

There is nothing an excuse can do for you but to illustrate a weakness. Find that weakness and the determination to overcome it in the same breath. Live strong by recognizing your weakness and not by ignoring them.

Sure, I'm stumping from a blog post on my nearly esoteric blog. From this angle, I'm sharing the difficulties I am overcoming as they flow in and out of life.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

What the Seeds did for Jack

Give the credit where the credit is due. The ability to perceive the World outside without bias or confusion is a necessary function for adaptability. The caretakers of your youth require appreciation for your foundation of life.

Beyond that, the people that, we idea "pollinate" with, can lead to miraculous adventures in thought. We'll take this and lazily flip it into a metaphor for how seeds of thought being planted in our mental cycles creates a bigger and badder version of our psyches. Or maybe I'll simply suggest that ignorance & arrogance are siblings.

We all should know by now that ignorance spreads like wild fire(if you came and are reading what I type, the amazing amount of detail and thoughts I leave out will frustrate you IF you don't already know or accept somethings as fait accompli). Like people who attempt to neuter the government with legislature = bad idea. If that is an idea you struggle with, then anything I type will be difficult for you to follow and or digest. Why? Because there are some things that are self evident. Sure, some of what I say will be more inaccurate than other things that are often said. The accuracy however is not dependent on emotion or limited cognitive abilities as much as it is limited on purpose for the goal in which I deem valid. My life, my thoughts, right?

Back to ignorance being spread like the flu or some other contagiously designed pathogen. We speak with confidence things that we may only partly believe in. But in this World were fact changes every day, the lazy people do not desire to learn with a passion for adaptation or growth. The purpose is not to lean on intelligence like brick and mortar but to see it more like a gas that fluctuates and leaks from the container as it propels the container further along the lines of life. Interesting angle, right?

With the right tweak in which to see self and actions of self, talking with others can make for an interesting moment in self reflection. Not in the sense that one is constantly measuring self against others but using others to reach inside self and draw that which resides within to the outer most realms of psyche. And by that we share more than just words and thoughts, physical movements and mannerisms with each other. These things are seeds for the future. And though my impertinent impatience drives me to write tepidly, I still put my entire heart into my shaky effort. Could I write better? Absolutely, but this is the best effort I was willing to give. Yes, I am saying this is my best because this is where I limited myself. My love is helping me to grow beyond it. Do you follow what I am saying? Ask and ye shall receive.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I don't struggle with my reality, I struggle with yours

This makes everything make sense right?
Any argument, any fault or failure or misunderstanding. It explains everything don't it?

Okay, truth and barely anything else matters when there is no exchanges being made. The moment there is a flow between two entities, the fidelity of intent and content matter more than one could measure.

Anyways, I've never been in this position before. I've always been in this position.

I feel literally too good to pass up. I have all the character content, the determination, the history and the intelligence and thirst for knowledge to be an indomitable force in academia. Why haven't I been there the entire time? Why have I wasted my years experiencing the pain of loss and being left behind like some unwanted possession? Why would I bother allowing myself to fall to near certain emotional death? The pain is without parallel aside from death. It sounds crazy but to understand, you'd need to know what was on the line.

I won't share that much, even if nobody read it. My darkness doesn't become lighter because you feel like it isn't nearly as dark or twisted as you'd imagine it COULD be. Key word there is imagine. I was dealing with reality; my reality. Doesn't change the heartbeat in my chest being sharp or the hunger in my gut being absent and despondent. The darkness taunted & tempted me with everything I could ever have wanted. Seemed so easy to give in to. I resisted for one reason alone: I was told to embrace the darkness that I would need to release love.

If any of you know me, love is the reason I live & breathe & hope for a change & work for a growth. The one thing I struggled to relinquish. At one point I thought I had been capable of doing so and felt thoroughly liberated from the constraints of giving an actual damn. Until my phone rang and my heart swelled to the heights of the Heavens and burned with the intense heat of Hell. At that moment I realized that I am birthed of love. A love child even. Raised romanticizing the chemistry and enjoyment from the embrace of a lover. And that was it. I realized that no matter how others see reality, my view will always come from silver eyes that peer at the World through Rose colored lenses.

Make me a punk. Make me a fool. Call me what you want, that doesn't change what I really am.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I woke up one day

I woke up one day and decided that my life was running out of import. I wasn't committing to any action. I was just sitting in a room calculating the future on a tablet. I decided that I had to get out there and risk my skin. I decided that for me to win, I had to play the game. So, I surveyed my hand. I settled on moving to complete a task I once left unresolved. No matter the reason, I now have motivation like no other.
See, to question the merit of my action is to assume that my accuracy in belief of why I move is true. If you don't like my response, then do not ask of me. I am only human. I do my best.

Now, free form ranting aside, I realized that I cannot leave one unsettled situation for another unsettled situation. I want to give my best in everything I do. I am doing too much currently. I had to stop thinking first. One of the hardest things I'll ever do.

Next, I have properties that need to be mitigated and moderated. That is the next order of business. Then I will go into ironing out the remainder of my unresolved attachments. By the end of the year, my life will have reached a breaking point that I will look back on and be satisfied that I grabbed for my groin and marched forward with both fear and hope clutched tightly. *evil grin*

Tomorrow is scary. Why? Because I haven't been there before and there is much that I would rather not lose. However, the only thing I currently stand to lose is everything I care for. At least if I take a risk, I won't lose everything. And I will definitely gain, even if it is only respect for myself for owning my destiny.
Destiny not in a grand sense but in a "Where am I going and why" sense. No fear will conquer me. Hopefully, from this point on, fear will no longer weigh on my heart. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of succeeding. I'm afraid of happiness. I am afraid and tired of being that way. Though, I know of no person that can cleanse themselves of fear without losing sanity and be aware of it. My goal is simply to push forward and commit my heart, energy & love to becoming a cherished product of this American experiment.

I don't want to lose my love. For people.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Stealing Myself Back

As individuals, there are moments that determine how we interact with other individuals. At times, these moments surprise us with a reaction that we did not expect of ourselves. Humans are very complicated creatures and we spend our entire lives attempting to simply get a grasp on how everything we interact with inspires us to feel on the most intimate of levels. Sometimes, it is other people that pull these surprising interactions out of us. Sometimes, they get more of us than we would prefer they did. This is where I am coming from.

You see, once upon a time, a young and slightly quixotic "Sage" decided that the only way to be was kindness. Within this kindness was wrapped an endless forgiveness & understanding. Some of you may be chuckling for the naivete but this childlike state of mind was able to persist unaffected by the jading years of young adulthood. Often, offering love interests far more of self than necessary to achieve their affection. This has always been a painful process for anyone who practiced it. It however is no more painful than any other process, it simply deals with the pain upfront and directly. In an effort to circumvent my former naivete, I decided to steal myself back before it was taken...for granted. This is where you laugh because I made a funny.

That seemed like it worked until one day I awoke to realize just how much of my was carried out in fragments. These fragments were stored like a puzzle in a box until all the pieces were acquired. Then flawlessly this puzzle of me was put back together with 'nary a taste of pause. And now awake, I realize this home is nowhere I am familiar with. I was stolen; I was lost.

I could only aspire to retrieve myself from this foreign landscape. And I crafted stratagems, revising every angle with new tactical advantages, performing reconnaissance whenever necessary. This was an all out war of emotional attrition and every second was treated like a potential last moments. The edge was mere centimeters away like the ground was caving away from the centuries of wear and degradation, chasing my progress in stealing myself back.

Upon feeling the familiarity of an environment, an atmosphere of automatic acclimation a form of relaxation touches down upon the zenith of stress, urging it downward as if usurping gravity in its dominance. Realize that everything has to be replaced into their individual positions. This time, secure them in the light so that they won't be stolen in the darkness. And sleep with one eye open because you will, like I did, hate stealing yourself back.

(Songs that inspired this post: Bits & Pieces by Van Hunt; The Way That I Love You by Ashanti)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I crashed a jet...ski

I go to the gym often. Sometimes while I am at the gym, I will strike up a conversation.

This guy I happen to strike up a conversation with took a liking to my personality and decided that I'd be cool to hang with. We went to a bar once, talked about life and played pool. Simple enough.

A week later, I'm going down hill in my personal sense of efficacy and worth. I'm losing my grip on reality. And he calls me up and offers a hang out spot with some homies. All goes well except we were bored. So we went to a dance joint and he got danced on by some Samoan girl and I just sat in the corner doing what I do. Chillin'.

Anyways the next day we decided to go boating and what not. Seemed like a fair enough deal. I couldn't figure out why a player like him, with all of his monies and womens would want to hang out with a semi-educated square like myself. Perhaps, it was my laid back demeanor. All the same we pick another friend who has the jet skis.
Three jet skis and a boat. Ballin.
We out there for hours, having fun. Until they broke two of the jet skis. The one I was riding was still working, I decided to jump back on. Little did I know that the voice in the back of my head telling me to chill out was going to be right this time.

We are driving parallel for a few minutes and suddenly I decided to slow down a little. This was the undoing that I was not prepared for. Also, it may have been a saving grace. Because I look over see the boat, I look back in front of myself, then as I go to look back at the boat my vision gets stuck on the boat invading my path. I quickly turn the jet-ski side ways and throttle as hard as I can. Still I am too late and slide right into the side of the boat. I'm thrown under water. Despite the life jacket, I swim down because I literally fear the propeller. I look up and wait to surface. Then I attempt to swim back to the jet ski. My pride is damaged. Yeah, I know, the boat got in my way. Yeah I know, I had little chance of actually evading the accident. It all happened in what seemed like seconds. And it was probably all done within the span of 15 seconds. I look over, I look back, I go to look over again and react.
I almost feel like it was a set up. I almost feel like I was trapped into that set of consequences. But so be it.

I don't really plan on hanging with dude much more after this. And maybe I am being scammed but the cost was low and I had a lot of fun. I'm really just grateful I got out unharmed and all. I'm only paying for half of the damages.

But we'll see. The way the rest of this plays out will determine how I look at this situation.

I'm still thanking God on this one though.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

C'mere

Have you ever looked into the etymology of words? To see how they became what they are and where they originated from? Perhaps you even got a sense for how everything was structured into a form even those things that exist without form. The truly astounding nature of the World we human beings qualify and the quantities which lay within the boundaries of those qualities. Pure awe. The magnitude.

Stop. Think about people. Think about the people that defined these words. Consider their backgrounds & what led them to being the person they were. Why the characteristics (that became dominant and socially recognizable) developed. Pay attention. This is very intriguing if you know why you are paying attention to it. With this you can reverse manufacture success in every sense of the word. Okay. Some people and maybe even most people will be hard pressed to care, I mean "life is real", out in these streets. However, for those un-jaded by the stressors of a life, you know that what I'm alluding to is the greatest import of self acknowledgement.

As individuals, we make choices. Some of these choices produce a bad effect. To this bad effect we have custom tailored excuses as to why things went poorly. This of course, makes very little sense to those outside of us, unless, they relate to our little white lies of keeping ourselves culpable to our actions. Again, it doesn't matter if you were a good kid that got chopped down in the middle of doing what you felt you were supposed to do or if you were a vile person doing the worst things you've ever felt the need to do. A choice for that action was made already knowing what your geography would be like even when you did not know the geography.

If you are tossed into water, you have no choice but to struggle for your life as best you know how. This view is more of an absolute and definitely not for people who get caught in their emotions. Sink or swim. How you feel about it does not matter in the least. And spouting emotional discharges about recklessly will only further enslave you to the limits of your mindset.

As a rule, assume your perspective is flawed unless you are a professional with every reason to resort to your credentials on the matter. The "average" person isn't "nutrient dense" enough to understand the refined nuance behind many of the professionalized theories that they so often feel free to spread and bastardize with ignorant zeals.

This is more than a know what you are talking about article of thought. This is more than a shut your mouth article of thought. This is more than an attempt to understand the World the way it is. This is a key in a chain of keys that open a set of doors on a path to enlightenment.

Take this message from what was written even if you cannot see this as the topic of this article: What happens in life is not what makes life hard; the hands you are limited to playing do not suck; and no matter the hardships you encounter, these are only hardships because of one thing...how you feel about it.

Once you remove the emotion from the situation then enlightenment is possible. Not like a forced removal; not like an angry discarding of it in response to heartbreak but of a natural thirst for betterment and intellectual curiosity.

Not that this is new to anybody. This is in religious text. Not that people will adhere to it because it could easily take a lifetime simply to grasp how one may go about achieving such a lofty perspective. Especially given that others can neither recognize or respect such a process. Socially, this is almost a reason to find disgust in an individual. Maturity comes at the sacrifice of a freedom. Though, you relinquish one freedom for another. One door closes and another opens. Recognize the risk in your every decision and understand that things just happen. Dreams are crushed. This World isn't based on good or bad but coincidence and flow. I do not even believe in coincidence. That is the biggest joke of all.

And that is my love for now.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Won't Stop Refusing Defeat

For months the roller coaster of emotions has consumed me; tormenting the every part of my ability to perceive and comprehend. Oh, how I've struggled to cope with life this year of 2011. I have had great moments, huge triumphs sprinkled with moments of clarity that reinvigorate my fighting spirit. I've learned to dream again and erase all of the false scenes from my view of the future I actually desire to achieve. I have had tremendous help and love gifted to me. I couldn't be more thankful as the person I am and I'm far more thankful than the person I was had the ability to be. I've grown.

The moments in which I felt lower than the belly of a snake. Like the microbial parasite that stands no chance of living unless it siphons the life blood from another, greater being. It was time to no longer be that person and I have been desperately fighting to overcome my every weakness, especially those I perceived as strengths. Clearly, a strength can limit the ability to be great. Thus it has come to pass that I've decided to remove how I feel about things that are common in everyday life.

Love has become the primary focus for my growth in every way. I have forgiven those who have offended me the worst. Taken from me the will to disregard ignorance as simply the disdain driven desires of those without proper distinction. I am sincerely attempting to eradicate all of these aspects of my personality that cause hiccups in my interactions with other people. This is so very difficult and many may question the sanity or purpose of my goals. But in my eyes it isn't simply good enough to be good enough. I am now willed to push the envelope in every friggin' way I possibly can. And qualities, good or bad, will stand but a slight half step in my overall piece. I'm letting go to not only let God but to also help God to help me. All of this work and possession I cling to is an unnecessary hindrance on my goals for the future and now, I'm done with trying to keep anything physical or not that doesn't directly contribute to my overall mission.

If I need to shed love, then so be it. If I need to shed family then so be it. Because as I am; the me that is currently struggling to adjust to this World and the difficulties therein encountered, only struggles because of what I refuse to let go of.

Picture this: My hand is in the cookie jar gripping two cookies at once, attempting to remove them whole. Before I'd just find a way to get something whole out and be satisfied that it was all I could do.
New Image: Same layout as last time but now the cookies are coming out whole or not because my goal is now not to play by the idea that a cookie should be eaten whole but should be eaten for the enjoyment. I can enjoy the cookies in bits & pieces.

As of right now, I will hold on the pole position. I will refrain from telling people what I won't do. I will focus only on my goals and add triumph, conquest and Veni, Vidi, Vici are all to become part of my active vernacular and written lexicon not simply as a symbol but as a sentiment or overall message. Every breath offers a battlefield and every interaction with another is a potential stalemate of stratagems. The spoils will go to the greatest prepared. I have been preparing for a while. Let me not drag on much more other than to say I love and share love because it inspires me. It is a selfish goal. It has never not been.

I have no opinions for anybody else and anything I would tell you will only echo the sentiments that I've expressed in this here article of thought. Coherent or not, this is simply the beginning of me drafting a personal manifesto to eventually be manifested. I am no pretender. I am to be rather than to appear to be. I will find well-being through harmony.

I do believe this roller coaster has applied the brakes. I think this is my stop. Thanks for riding with me, luvs.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

And so I hit it

I would say that personally, I had an extremely, emotionally taxing day. I couldn't do anything properly. I have skills, or so I thought. Not as hot today and every so often I squeezed a chuckle at my own jokes(which I typically cater to undeniably).
Exhausted, I took a nap. I awoke in time to catch the gym but I wasn't sure if I'd actually go as I had missed the last night's work out(I have a strict regimen I follow). I can typically combine two days because I structured my workouts that way but I cannot combine three workouts because it is simply too much energy expenditure. I decide to go. I'm groggy. I hug my niece & then I hug my mother, just because I love them and hugs let them know it. Then I proceed on my way to the gym. I'm driving somewhat inconsistent. I'll speed the straights and slower on the curves but this is typical.

I'm ascending a hill within the speed limit and I see a vague shadow scurrying across the road, I hesitate to slow down because it is no longer in my path but it turns around and heads back for my path...I pump the brakes once to give myself a moment. Bump bump! My eyes shoot open immediately and I instantly presume to know why that shadow I saw made the effort to turn around. It must have been walking with it's offspring. My face twists in agony as I contemplate having actually hit something. On the verge of tears, I mentally chastize myself for being a man on the verge of tears behind a wild animal. But I rebut that a life is a life and life is fragile.
Over the next 5 minutes or so, I fight the urges that contort my face with sadness. I don't know how to feel. I did that. I hurt something. I probably killed it. This is nothing that I want to do. My mood tanked. But I try hard to focus and regain my composure. It was already going to be a monumental effort considering my day, the amount of sadness, the frustration, feeling like a punk for caring and now I feel like a callous murderer of justifiably gypsy-esque urban wildlife.

I struggle to find rhythm through the workout. I'm competing with a former classmate for highschool who had to be born buff. Whatever, we bench the same weight, he just did it better. I still did it though and that's what matters to me. Plus I can run a lot faster than he and that is my saving grace.

Anyways, I've got a long road to go in many other places in my life and currently I ain't doing nothing worthwhile with my time other than trying to help random people to make their lives better. They ain't shit neither though, so I don't know why I bother. Drug addicts and sellers who love what they do. A damn shame. College degrees going to waste, mine included but at least I don't mess with drugs, have baby's mamas or stds. For all intents and purposes I'm normal and well adjusted. But apparently I'm so emotional. I just think I care. I just think other people are insecure with my ability to be the way I am. I really couldn't be tasked to focus on the thoughts of others much beyond this. Everything else is me being asinine. So what. Anyways, after the gym I drove back down that same road looking for any sign of road kill and I saw none. I began thinking that it may be seriously hurt or maybe not so much. Either way I can sleep tonight because ultimately I feel like that lil' racoon made it for at least a few more minutes and was afforded the dignity of not dying underneath the could care less steels of people who see themselves as more important when really they could be less worthy of life than an animal they so flagrantly disregard as superfluous life forms.
Just a thought.

Just my love for now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Today, I'm down - Man Down

Spirit feels so close to broken. I had a long and trying day. Toasted by the Sun, annoyed by my own complaining, drawn out by simplicity and lost to the devices of much weaker and less fortunate men.(Yes both weaker and less fortunate).


Perhaps, I simply need a good meal. Perhaps, I merely need a hug. But I do not want help. I would much rather struggle through the tears that I will be crying today. I do not want to talk with any person or interact in any healthy way. The mood on me is very self destructive and a cry for help. Yet, knowing this does nothing for how I want to let it all fall apart. I do not know who could intervene with a positive perspective because I am in pain - emotionally. Like the lion with a prick in the pad of the paw, I am neither calm nor accepting right now. I want love but can't receive it. What am I to do? I am so very confounding at this moment.

Here is a thought in my head: Forget every single entity that presumed to know from which perspective I approached, they cannot grasp my ability with thought; they have all been mediocre and simple minded. I talk with elders as equals but not with insolence, with venerable tones and upward inquisitive request. The elders have almost absolutely respected my pride, dignity and thirst for knowledge. I learned to stun them with thoughts that they could have never instigated with their perspectives. I reached inside their heads and learned them, working hard to become like them to know what they know and why. Of course, most of that was naive however the jewels of wisdom that I received(especially when healthy unjaded jewels) were timeless as well as enriching. I learned to put myself out there that required me to be tested by people because the more I learn the better I am. Always taking notes, studious at studying life. I've come a very long way from being a potentially brilliant specialist like most individuals to becoming literally an every man in my own way. On a day like this, none of that matters. On a day like this, I'm simply tired of being alone. I'd almost pay for company but I simply have too much pride and too great a smile. Even my saddest days won't take me beyond the depths of depravity that would inspire me to do such a desperate act of loneliness.

Despicable!



Do I need to tell you that I ain't judging? Forget how you see it. What do I care about your narrow-minded and limited thinking capabilities to try and throw a title on everything(Narrow/small/simple/weak-minded individuals are the bane of my existence-I love children but cannot "stomach" adults with the mental capacities of children). One of the most pointless yet shameful displays of vanity that people mindlessly over look.

Before I insult another person, I'll end this post. Insults are not my intention regardless of how I feel. I do apologize for the harsh comment but such is truly how I feel. Yes, I am aware that it borders on hypocrisy but I could not be halved to care.
This is the brain child of my inability to count out knocked out fighters expecting that they will be like the scorched forest to grow anew amidst the spoils and scars of the flickering flames.

Wish me well, wish me hell just take care of yourselves.
This is my love for now.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Every Bit

That delicious pint of ice cream sitting in your freezer, inaudibly calling your name. How did it know to be your favorite kind? Made by your favorite maker. It is cheating in the war of self-control. It secretly is aware that it is your kryptonite. It is always issuing a challenge to you. As long as you don’t taste it, you can win that challenge but the very moment that sweet harmony of “mmm” touches your taste buds, you instantly cave to your desires.

You think to yourself,”I can stop at about half the container.” but it comes sooner than you anticipated, much to your chagrin. “Darn.” Then you think, “Well, I did say ‘about’ half way”. You know, deep inside, that ‘about’ was a code word for indulgence. You know, that this means the container will be empty before you relinquish control.

This is how I feel about you & your love. This is how I feel about having to leave you immediately following a kiss or a hug. It feels like something is tearing the soul from my body. It feels like I’m dying. If I don’t judge you for the things you cannot let go, then why must you judge me for the person that I cannot, nay, will not let go of easily?

Whatever you see my desire as, be it lust or addiction, you are required to see that merely, deeply inside of me, is the urge for it to be requited; the urging of reciprocity. Can you give me what I desire?

Legisou

I'm disgruntled. Not really. I'll chase you to the ends of the Earth just to tell you how much I appreciated your encouragement.
We all know that it isn't about power or intellect but the proper placement(think baseball and sweet spots; think Martial Arts and the precision in their strikes). More so than anybody else, at least recently, the way you gushed over me and encouraged me truly made me feel like I could do it. Sometimes the words feel empty when coming from others, you know, less than sincere, like they are just saying it to fulfill some portion of a desire within themselves. I felt much differently about your encouragement. It has been a while, and when I hesitate to push...flashes in my head, urging me to chase my dreams. No false confidence, no pseudo reprimand, just the encouragement I know as love. This is sincere and I would prefer you kept it with the highest regard but at the end of the day, I'm a stranger with a record of being inconsistent in almost every way. I'm clawing for improvement and who knows if I will ever truly find it but knowing the encouragement as I have, knowing the love random strangers share with each other, I feel further steadied on my personal path through perdition. Again thank you.

Here is the question: Do you know why what you said and how you said it madeit through to me as sincere, genuine & refreshing?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Apparently LoadB

A feeling. Some indescribable force compelling an emotional response. Ineffable potential responses glazed over by the lack of ability and the constant push of time. How can unknown moments be revisited without a transaction record; without an attempt to catch memories in a bottle?

Can a person really see the energy of another; can a spirit really be melded from two into one? Does a sincere person speak in abstract terms that can only be defined individually? Does it really matter how many people a body is shared with? A plethora of questions, inquisitions and curiosities but are there any concrete answers? Sure, for individuals but not in general.

Like the branches on an aging tree, personalities and beliefs push in every which way to find only ether awaiting. Nobody is correct but everyone is proper; nobody is wrong but everyone is misled. Closed or open minded; kindly accommodating, begrudgingly obligating or rudely obstinate, people do what people "will" to do. Just as branches may block the Sun of one another or limit the wetness of the raindrops to reach the roots, each is natural and accounted for. Just as the criminals imprisoned or the business man exalted, each path has already been chosen but the "crown" has yet to be placed.

How often does a person stand outside of destiny; finishing at some unprecedented location? Avoiding the constraints of fate and growing with an infinitely intimate trajectory is simply too difficult to capture within words. The meaning escapes translation from "eye to eye". To learn the bite of fire, there is a very real need to first touch the root of it. With this grab at the base of destruction known as fire, the worth of pain can become evidence of life. For through the fire, life can be seen dancing wildly with reckless abandon.

Slipping into Darkness

I know that I share a lot of details about myself. Sometimes the details seem pointless. Sometimes I say things that people cannot follow and so they dismiss these things as purely bollocks. Well, I have been trying hard to figure out what people see wrong with the way I share my thoughts. I do so much to fit in but I simply cannot. Not the way that I currently am. My mother raised an individual and a child that aimed to be the greatest man who ever lived. While her child may not be the greatest ever, I, will never stop trying. I get confused really easily. However, I try really hard to keep up with people. Sometimes, the way people communicate utterly circumvents any ability I possess.
I love to laugh and I try hard not to take myself too seriously but we all know how feeling as if the people around you could care less inspires rebellion in our gut. Anyways, I use that goofiness to get through these situations that try ever fiber of my character. It helps. Though, there are times that I feel like the little positivity that I possess is simply not enough to counter all of the anger and resentment looming inside of me. There appears to be no form of catharsis that will supply me with the necessary burst to get over myself. I mean, I judge people. Not necessarily for who they are but what they do. It is easier to forgive a person frozen to inaction than a person who makes a horrendous mistake. I haven't given of myself or my virtue so freely that a woman that has had 30 different men in her can label me "hers". I would feel underwhelmed with what I could mean to her. She could literally extend my life with an organ and it still would not budge me from the perception that she just didn't treasure her future husband enough to remain somewhat virtuous. I cannot be that person. To be completely honest, I cannot even fathom ten different men. It hurts my brain to visualize. I'd rather stay single and mean nothing to no one than to give myself totally to somebody who has shared their "self" with so many. I cannot be him for you if you are as the hypothetical woman is in my head. Call me lame. Call me stunted. Call me insecure and every other name. But does that then lace within my words the freedom to label you a whore, slut, jezzebelle or anything else to tarnish your character? Is that a solid point? I don't wish to define anybody else outside of what they CAN mean to me. I don't even do that a lot. When I did do that a lot, it felt weak and weird. I wasn't comfortable doing so. There is an odd feeling of power; a slight thrill from drowning somebody in hateful terms. I hate that feeling of power. I hate that thrill. It doesn't fit me well.

Simple Bitches

Miserable wretches. I'm not angry nor disappointed. Though, there has definitely been enough of this bullshit logic floating around supplementing the ignorance that perpetuates the daily issues we acquiesce to seemingly non-fucking-stop. I ain't shit. I ain't never going to be shit. But I will be a PH.d and I will teach at a four year. Eat my sack. Or don't, I think I'll need that for the demon seeded progeny I plan on procreating.

So, whats my kobe beef? This poorly focused ideology that people spread like an contagiously air-borne disease. Real talk. Lets start there at real talk. Whats fake talk? Hypotheticals? What world you live in that communicates primarily using hypothetical situations. Even as a commonly used expression the ideals that support the everything behind even feeling the need to say that shout ignorance of the user.

I'm not even going to transition, I'm just going to jump into my list as they come to me. Fuck if you give a damn for writing style as I'm showing my greatest ignorance at the moment. More to come as I'm not above this list. People who sleep with people they couldn't give a fuck less about. That shit utterly discombobulates me. Thats what the fuck STD's/STI's or any other thing you get from marriage like activities while not having marriage like amorous affinities about the person you engage. This shit is beyond silly. Expletive laden speech aside, you fuckers need to get right. Run around spouting all this God talk but the first mutha fucka to come out with double fuckin digit sexual partners. Oh? Word? Its just that easy to find somebody to fuck? Sure but it doesn't mean that just because you have the ability to do something that you should do it. I'm in single digits, I've turned down more mutha fuckas than I can remember for sillier reasons than I'd like to admit but the more important underlying motive is that I wanted the woman I settled down with to realize that I wasn't out there just giving my penis to any broad, pretty or not, that asked for it. Y'all are fucking up and still asking for respect? Fuck the whole every part of you. I don't feel any need at all to define you but just because I ain't walking around throwing out titles and shit doesn't mean I didn't define how I feel about people that do the things that I don't agree with. Hence, why I keep to my fucking self. I can only hate myself so much because I understand why I did everything I did. You however, I don't know why and my perspective will NEVER line up with yours. We were raised with differing values and experiences...this is the only reason I don't see fit to judge you. But having you even interact with me burns me...because part of me knows that you are trying desperately to relate. I absolutely hate that. Even if I was perfect...well I cannot in good conscience make that sentence. If I were a better person, I doubt the fortitude of my character would withstand an assault of the kind others represent. I'm not Jesus, I will not assort with prostitutes or killers or thieves and maintain my visions and determinations.

You cry foul first fucks. As long as you winning, you don't give a shit about nobody else's pains but when you in pain you think everybody else should care about your shit. Fuck the ever longing shitty ass air you breathe. Victim mentality ass trash. Y'all talking about reading books. White's,Black's and all the other colors of rainbows and shit. Everybody want somebody else to bow to them and their bullshit pains. Always throwing criticism, elevating personal idealisms and yet claiming to be intelligent. Fuck quotation marks. The first people to tell me I'm hard, or stuck up or some other bullshit are the ones who over look how far I actually traveled to hold my hand out and help them. I could have watched people burn and drown but I risked my flesh to travel through trouble and assist them in persisting life. I cannot tell you how many times I've been stabbed in my back by people who's lives I've saved. I cannot tell you how many times I've held my hand out for help and nobody was there to grab that shit.How many miles I've had to walk when people were relaxing and refusing to answer their phones when I desperately needed help. The tears that flowed my cheeks as I felt alone in the world. The despair I've nearly given into. And out of those moments the first thing I do is reach inside my self to find forgiveness and understanding for these other people. They don't do it for me, I don't get caught up on it. I grow. I always try to grow. I have my weaknesses and failures thrown in my face far too commonly for me to feel comfortable but the first thing I am accused of being is negative. I'm black bitch. I cannot even remember if my memories are true any more. I cannot remember if those guns that were in my face and cocked ready to blow were real or not anymore. I can't remember if running for my life and jumping fences were real, anymore. That is, until I look at the scars. And I think I've had a good life; a blessed life. I'm harder on myself for all the bullshit I fall into and forget to avoid while people that can't manage to smile through simple disadvantages judge me without knowing shit about me. What I've sacrificed or worked to get out of myself to overcome. The website shit doesn't bother me so much. It means less. People just puffing up their chest and getting caught up in emotions while acting like they ain't. Thats cool though. I've been called more punks and chumps then I know what to do with. I've been excluded and ostracized for being honest and vulnerable. And still they judge me. While being of the weakest variety and yet they are still winning while I'm losing.
I ain't got shit thats worth having. I'm on the verge of being locked into my slavery. Well, sort of. I've escaped plenty of pitfalls, some due my undeniable perversion in paranoia and others due to the good natures of the some of the same people I now cannot withstand any longer. Its very unsettling being upset with a person while totally and completely grateful to them. It is gut wrenchingly painful. But the same thing makes you smile makes you cry.

I hate feeling like I'm extra. I hate feeling like I'm slow. But people do some amazing things with thoughts and words and just lay things out in amazing ways. I don't know if it is a skill or what because I don't see it being taught anywhere. I've always been gifted with intelligence but there is just something that isn't adding up to zero when I look at it. And nobody has the fuckwits to explain this shit in a way that can be made accessible. I feel like either I'm really bright and people are really on some global level conspiration shit to make me question myself OR I'm really dumb and say some smart shit sometimes and nobody wants to nor has the heart to tell me how fucking stupid I really am. These are arrogant thoughts right? But this shit is simple. The world is run by idiots. What I mean by that last bit is actually a bit deeper than I can simply say. Imagine if you will, what it would take for me to come to a conclusion like those two possibilities and still maintain some sense of sanity. A tremendous amount of coincidence...not meant by the nuance but simply the fact that two things happened at the same time. We don't put mysticisms into the term coinciding but put the -ence on the end and all fuckin logic slides right the fuck on out. Kind of like the term ignorance, which, could still be used in a similar sense to that which it should mean instead of that which it does currently mean. The basterdization of this language is killing me and this shit needs to be refreshed, or something.
So all of that...distracted language was to say there are too many differing ways for me to say how I just don't agree with the shit people do and say and think but the most I can ever do about it is A)complain B)join in C)mind my own D)quit. The thing is, I made my decision a long time ago and this may sound like bullshit or (for those who have been praying for me because of my use of expletives) malarkey but I was fairly conscientious of my responsibilities at a young age. There are plenty of things that I missed but understanding my impact on the World around me wasn't really one of them. Thank you Captain Planet.
I wanted to save everyone. That got twisted and I wanted to destroy everything. Then I saw the common super villain theme was this twisted love. I did not want to be evil. I was afraid of that life. As I grew and resisted the urges, I began to understand that things aren't just white and black. I grew to find that things much more intensely complicated than most people make them out to be. Everything needs to be simplified. Could life be more pointless? Naw, you think working a job is making some sort of contribution to society? I'll be straight up with you, my thoughts on society are summed up with this-"Fuck Society". I've separated myself from this gelatenous group of hideously pretentious import. You all ain't worth shit. That you think, is the only reason you think you are worth shit. This shouldn't be ground breaking. Though, there is one thing that makes it all worth living through. "Everything you will do will never matter, thought it is very important that you do it." I don't remember who the quote comes from but that shit gives me life.
All the bullshit niggas,wiggas,chinks,changs,spics,spans and any other mutha gotto come with could miss me in the most epic of ways but I'll do my best to not allow it to bother me too greatly. Cause I ain't shit and I ain't never gon' be shit...my name is Jerome, nice to meet you. If you read all of that you are either curiously piqued or sincerely have surpassed any reasoning I would know for a person to read an esoteric rant and not really know why the person mad. Why am I mad son? Because people stay on bullshit and want to drag you into it. I'm just trying to make my dream come true so I can improve how people do the things they do. And when I finally get to tell my story, I'm sure it won't bore you too much. But right now...I'm still crawling around the bottom of the barrel soaking up as much sunlight as I can as it filters through the layers of hate and disregard. I'm so ready for this life to reach pleasant. Smiling when people hand you shit is getting old. I just want to be matched...if I always got to work to meet the people in my life then what the fuck am I still living where I'm living for? I could do this well with my enemies.
Losing an opinion is much harder than anything a person could sincerely do. I'm still working on it. And if someone says, "Oh, I got rid of my opinion already." I'll jap slap the poor piss outta em. The fuck you did. bottling and removing are two entirely different....you know what? I will not respond to ignorance not a second longer.

And that's my love for now....