Tepid Confessions

I watched some show called "tough love New Orleans". On that show, they were giving slight recaps of the growth of each woman. They get to the Black woman. She was stuck in her past and sabotaging her future by not moving forward. Her ex popped up and they vibed pretty good. She asked him if they might have a future together and he was like "maybe". She took that news back to the shows host. The host got upset because he knew this was a set back and had seen it all before. He shoots inquiries to the ex and the ex responds frankly and with decisive focus. Unequivocally, no future for the Black woman with him. As she watched the footage of his clearly self-adjusted perspectives, she broke down. It was unfair to her. He is not a man and won't be any time soon.

I related to that woman. When somebody refuses to give you their all, it ain't because they are stuck somewhere and don't know how to leave. It is because they are secretly telling you that you just aren't what they want. You do not fit the bill. And we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves that things are great. We tell ourselves that there is endless amounts of hope and potential. The truth is, that is no land for one sided connections. That person does not want you. Take your thirsty ass on. Give up on the dream with them because it will never be, even if it does come true someday. Trust.

I'm stubborn. I'm a believer. I'm a dreamer. I'm a fool. And that is what it takes to truly love but the pain will never be worthwhile. The learning, opportunity & experience/scenario as aspects of the connection that should not be underestimated. Really, keep it moving when the person isn't feeding your needs. Simple truth is I've been in some shitty relationships but I thought they were great because my standards are so low. The worse part is that these women always tell me that my standards are too high. They claim that I don't accept them for who they are but they come with endless conditions like I gotta have a job, gotta be tall enough, gotta be handsome, gotta have good dick, gotta be all these things but they ain't gotta be who I'm seeking?

I have dealt with quite a bit of myopic hypocrisy. I have this many(___)sads behind it. Most people are the same/similar. Every one gotta be a critic. Everyone gotta be the top, most intelligent person. There is rarely any humility floating around. And from my experience, the first people to mention any description(esp. to the lacking effect) are typically the people with the lowest capacity for that trait. Such is a bitter irony of life. It jades and it burns. And instead of growing, people choose to never learn. Again, the sads.

I've been called a litany of insults simply because I did not agree with people. There is no such thing as talking to fools. Talking to fools morphs into arguing with fools, regardless of the qualities of your voice. The only route is silence. Avoidance. Snobbing. And guess what...that simple truth is a jading, emotional tumult. The bright side is that your frustration doesn't grow because of their ignorance. It is merely a consistent feed of indignation at the simplicity of these automatons.

Whether I cared about humanity before or what ever, I suppose that hasn't changed but I am jading...giving up....going through a cessation of fucks manufacturing. Demand had already out paced production. That means I am fresh out of fucks to give. Hedgehog's dilemma. Fuck a hog.