So Far, the Better.

I've already made more in ONE WEEK, than I did in three months(new vs old).
I almost sold several cars in my first few days.

I'll be fair, at the former place of employment, I had some really large accounts fall into my hands and then begin to slip through my fingers. Nothing could be done about it...not anything I knew to be possible. I had support and my bosses working with me and of the three factions, none could salvage the deal. It simply wasn't meant to be. All the others were mismanaged due the desperation of my superiors. It befuddles me that these people were the greats but managed to drop the ball every single time I needed someone to pass it to. Let's be real, I was in a banking outfit that specialized in moving pennies and making it seem like they moved mountains. Instead, it was like my superiors did everything in their power to make me see why we needed to be underhanded about the process.

My natural proclivity toward honest sincerity must have rubbed them wrong. Whenever they were honest, their lack of sincerity was apparent. So accustomed to lying they ain't know how to tell the truth. It was annoying to see them lose on my behalf, time and again. Every decent account I brought, they found a way to tank and thought to be surprised that I was hurting, seriously hurting after 90 days and nothing but failures. They were surprised to see my motivation take a serious dip. I got a job to make money. I did it thinking, I can do this because I need to do this. No. It turned out to be that I cannot simply take advantage of the ignorances of others just because I know something they don't. I'm morally corrupted to saying what I believe is fair. I'm an idiot for that. How common place is using ignorance to sell goods, practiced? EVERY DAY THING.

Merchants are disgusting people. Salesmen are probably more disgusting than that. Bankers gotta be the worst all time....slimier than politicians. I don't know what Imma do with my life...Idk how Imma make this money. Right now, I'm shifting my mind into a place where it will allow me to sell cars. Where I need to be able to right into a deal, enough margin that it doesn't hurt my customer and it doesn't stop me from being successful. Pretty much, the same as the last job. Bad credit? Good for me. Wanna fix your credit? You're going to bleed while paying through the nose. The good thing about this one is I can honestly separate how much I care about people paying for cars because it's their greed vs my survival. These people want to buy non essential vehicles just because they are available? Cool. I'll write in an extra hundred dollars for myself. I appreciate their needs but I wanna buy my way into this dirty ass world and the mentality of being justified while taking advantage of others is something that, although I'm sure I utilize it in one way or another, turns me off aesthetically.

I just don't want to feel like a piece of shit when I lay down at night. I don't want to feel like a giant friggin parasite. And this one is more like, "you don't want to pay a fair price while you want me to pay a more than fair price? Imma make you feel like it while not giving you the best of it. Dirty ugmo negroes, just violating around the map. Making six figures. Getting raises and promotions but er'rybody gotta grudge against ol boy. Imma be straight up, I understand and know why he did them dirty. They were dirty themselves. My eyes closed to they bs. Do I expect folk to cheat me? Yes. If I don't protect myself, I'll learn. It won't last forever. I just might not be cut out for sales. I have a heavy set morality. It doesn't run from place to place so well. It's good at remaining unchanged. BUT I WANT TO WIN. I am hungry and people look more and more like something to eat, every friggin day, b.

Failure to Launch...err...yeah

I'm in a scorched earth mindset...tired of this dark cloud bearing down, the scoundrel frowns, frustration abound, baboons and raccons get their hairs fine with vidal sassoon. It's an hour passed noon. This bombaclot ras is a replacement for ras al ghoul, now dat I'm the man, who's that fool...hol'up....lemme run dat byke.

I work in a sales position. Sales can be the easiest thing depending on your personality. Mine not one of the good ones for sales. I'm as honest as I can be. Direct. No bullshit. Disconnected from others(isolated). I don't hold on to people that are full of shit. I leave people better than I find them. Sales isn't about that. This is an everyday environment where phrases like "there's no right and wrong" are thrown around like Halloween candy. Where putting somebody in a better position doesn't mean they are in a good position. Where the amount of money you take from somebody is a blindness to them and they can still call you a friend. The shit is insane.

I can't grasp the....I cannot fathom the stupidity...the idiocy...the magnitude or enormity of the ignorance involved. I work in a field full of self servile parasites and I am honest to God, frustrated that I can't be more like them. I only look down on them because I cannot find a way to join their ranks. I might be the worst person in the office. My firm practices predatory lending. No big deal. If I sign somebody to it, I don't make any money off of it. So, fuck that. Why would I bother? For all of my failure and endless hours of effort and loss....I can't be made whole. I just have lost.

Hell, I've had rough years since I made a decision to chase a woman instead of money. I haven't recovered. Meanwhile she's married. I certainly came out looking worthless. No matter how decent I try to be, my lack of ruthlessness OR WHATEVER IT IS...has left me wanting, without, heartbroken and defeated. And I continue to stand up only to fall again and again and again. I am sick of it.

I have been at this job for 12 weeks. Not one paycheck. Money going out, none coming in. Idk what to do. I'm busting my ass to get nowhere fast. Part of it is growing up in a society that punishes the high morality it teaches us to espouse. Another part of it is believing in the good and intelligence of others. All of it a waste. Part of it is that I make excuses without meaning to. My failure is my own. Some have assisted but my ignorance is my responsibility.

This week has 3 days remaining. After that, I am quitting. 3 months of nothing but RED! I'm sorry, if you don't get it by then, you simply won't get it at all. At least, nobody has been able to help me. My boss, her boss, her subordinate, my coworker...I'm un-help-able. These people go to help others and great biig things happen. Family & friends bar together and it's all growth. Around me? All decay. I am so fucking tired of losing.

People list the reasons I should be winning. Does not help. "You're handsome"..."You're intelligent"..."You are kind"..."You have a great personality". Funny, none of those things have benefited me in any meaningful way. I'm starved. Exhausted. Lonely. Depressed.
I. Am. Losing it.

And I remember feeling like this just prior to getting this job. After I thought I blew the interview.After three months of fruitlessly searching for any place that would hire me and finding none. Where am I winning? This job caps a very hard 6 months for me. A very trying 6 months for me. Where does it end?

I mean, the years have been shit.
These last few months? Shit.
These last few weeks? Ultra shit.
A few folks on twitter and my dog are all that holds me together anymore.
Being able to tweet my sweet miseries is probably keeping me walking the tightrope I've been walking.
I am troubled and I cannot find my way from beneath this curse.
Positive aphorisms err affirmations err..yeah.
Look, my life was pretty cool despite the ton of bad shit that happened. I was a typically positive person who often managed to steer away from negativity.
Even now, I celebrate the little things...its just become a truth that my little things are mostly negative.

Sure, I have my health but none to share it with.
I have positivity but...fuck but...you get it. I'm down and tryna not be out.

I just wanna win. I put inn...obviously it don't matter.

All the sin in the world can't make it in your heart if you don't let it.

What does "GOOD" mean anyway???