I'm an "easy to get to know" type of guy. I don't really struggle while interacting with balanced and well-adjusted types. I really cruise through most social interactions with less than minimal difficulty. TooT*. I'm a smart guy. I am a handsome guy. I try just hard enough to express the importance of being about a greater position in society. I focus on growth.
Some people swear to be about a life that they cannot truly embody simply because their constitution isn't capable of containing formidable lacks in perception. People that often force their views of the World. She was that great in my eyes. She pumped herself up. She was as arrogant and egotistical as I ever even aspired to become. She was more focused on self and future as anybody I know. And as unrealistic as she was, I accepted her for every bit of it. I lusted and obsessed...(well not really). I honestly, merely wanted to spend time with her. Everything I could do to spend time with her, I did. I moved 300 + miles and I even went places she told me she'd be (and that it was okay to be there at the same time). I habitually stepped to the line of preoccupation but I would always wave myself back a few steps. All in all, I was just too into her. She swore that she was every bit as into me and maybe even more. That, I now know to be untrue.
There were moments in where she would claim to be sick so she would stay at home and invite me over. Alternatively, there were moments where she claimed that she sacrificed that time to spend solely with me. An inconsistency I would not accept. The lie was too easily conceived. Too convenient. Those ambiguous moments weren't acceptable and were feeding into my apprehensive relationship with trust. I never truly trusted 100% of what she said. She however, was more consistent than most everyone I knew, thus I accepted it. Seems that I should not have considering her ex-boo thang thought he was the still current boo thang. Maybe it's because they saw each other so much. IDK. I feel the trouble coming. I feel as if I've been sacrificed.
My ability to cut my heart in half emotionally was honed as to be able to avoid a situation to which there was no reprieve. I always need an option for survival. This is only important because I always gave her the option of ending it no matter where she and I stood to ensure that I wouldn't be cheated on or needlessly led astray because she didn't know how to cut the ties that bind. Yet and still, she needlessly kept me tied tightly to her, insisting that she truly loved for me and was in love with me.
The final straws were my request for words to keep me vigilant in an observance of our bond. Yet, she had no words for me (well none that applied to satiate my request). She had hugs & kisses. She recollected enough between us to thank me for "The Greatest Love" and from those words forward, my heart wept profusely. I miss her in every way.
She is sickly. Allergic to many foods and emotionally self defeating. She attempts to use negativity as a tool of focus but inherently fails because "knives can only be used to cut". Positivity and affirmation are the best ways to not only edify your actions but consolidate your determination into consistent productivity with minimal burn or residual affect.
All in all, the game at hand is that this was by far the most impressive woman I had ever met. She paralleled my mother in several meaningful ways. I loved the way that this woman loved me. She was tough and seemed true. She once nurtured my weakest portions and fortified my ideals. She helped me unto another level, kind of. She provided the obstacle and the inspiration to overcome said obstacle. No other woman has yet to provide such a promising goal despite the physical limitations. Needless to say, her potential was substantial. However, I may have been blinded by the idea that her intimate parts hadn't been tangled with in a serious amount of time. Or that she seemed so deeply concerned with my being.
Truly, I think I was addicted to her voice and body despite the negative effect of it on her life. Additionally, I think she was merely addicted to my coddling nature and patient approach to confrontations; my gentility. Either way, that ride came to a screeching halt when I became a reason for her academic struggles. For one, I vowed to not allow my presence to be a distractor for her. Secondly, the situation itself was only blown out of proportion due to her inability to handle conflict maturely. Or maybe I'm just an idiot in this particular instance. I'll be that. I am in love with her and that love has most assuredly placed me on the unstable side of determination. And though I'm recovering from that love (quite the kicker, eh?) the thing that hurt the most is that she may have real issues with my moment of unrest, the way she has dealt with it was most confusing and misleading.
She said she quit and that was all I needed to hear. I won't pursue beyond being requested to disengage. Just not my style. I'm the guy in "What Dreams May Come" and I'll dive into the bowels of Hell to retrieve my love or simply keep her company. The moment love becomes clearly unappreciated, I take my love to someone who will appreciate what I have to offer. Regardless of the pain I live through, my entire existence on Earth will continue to be predicated by my possession of love embodied. And though she may disagree, the sacrifices I made are what allowed her to live the life that she did while we were together. I'm burnt but not bitter. I'm expressive but not consumed. I'm passionate not obsessed.
Right now, moving on is difficult but not impossible. Losing the light in that potential woman hurts more than any other loss and though I cried beforehand, I have yet to shed a single tear afterwards. It simply hurts too much. Honestly, all I want to do is have non-committal sex with tons of random women. I want to feast on the bodies of so many other women that I forget I ever had her. Letting go is beyond painful for me but I will recover. For her, I hope that she is able to overcome losing me if it is difficult at all. I hope she is able to find the man that truly fits into her World without burning every second as I did.
When I entered into that relationship with her she was the Phoenix and I was the water that soothed her burning flesh. As it went on, she matured into the fire and I became the Phoenix burning through rebirth after rebirth. My life could never be the same and in many ways I wish I never met her but ultimately I wouldn't be living if I didn't have all of this loss of her to accompany my smiles. I don't know how to continue life from here on...she means everything to me. Every ounce of my fiber only wants to hug and comfort her but time has decided to depart me from that soul. It is time to burn alone as my greatest of expectations has burn out.
No comments:
Post a Comment