I had a fit. If you read my prior entry, you will discern a disturbance in my sense of internal peace. I was given a hard to swallow truth. I took it pretty hard -even for me.
Many of you(if not all of you) know that I have spent the last year unmotivated to find proper employment or to embark upon a career. I was shiftless and made few excuses for my dereliction. My audacity was nearly to the point of glorifying my particular weaknesses. I hate to admit how lowly I have come to realize my depth. I do not have the right to look another man in the eye and claim equality when I have yet to truly try. It is convenient of me to demand equality when I have not earned it. Sure, some have done far less or even require far less to rightfully demand more. That sucks. I still must put in my effort.
If I mean to offer no excuses, then my application of "not excusing" should be absolute and impartial. Instead, I continue to find various loopholes that I have hidden like errant Easter eggs, to give myself an easy out. Regardless of how I feel, I must move. Regardless of what is wrong or corrupt, I must move. At this point, I am reminded of a quote that has become somewhat popular in recent years(I believe the recession had a lot to do with that):
"Being enlightened is no longer enough, you must apply
Being willing is no longer acceptable, you must do."
Some among you may noticed that I have used this before. Indeed. When it no longer has a purposeful invocation, I will cease to beckon & borrow wisdom from it. Until that day comes, I will continue to find new ways to get over myself and my emotional reactions. I admit it is a hard thing to do. I have far to go. I like to channel my anger into getting over myself. Sometimes, the path is fairly short like yesterday's eruption. Other times, the turmoil goes undetected. I can only see what my eyes define and my experience illustrates as having value. For now, "purpose" has a much greater value than most things and that is what I am working toward.
Although the threat of employment is imminent, I was prodded into not being too accepting. Perhaps, I should not take that anything is guaranteed. I will be made to work for every scrap my fingers draw from the pile of scraps. And if I am to place myself into a career field, I need to do a perfunctory assessment of what all of that means for me.
I am too determined to do things my way. That is unhealthy. Not that I cannot acclimate to more structured environments, simply that I go into a different version of the guy everybody knows. I work extremely well within hierarchies. I do not work well in free flowing crap slinging contests. For you or anyone to understand that difference, you would actually need to know me, listen to my intent underneath and behind my words(or just watch as I wilt all over twitter). The world is too efficient at jading the way we see things. Everybody a critic; everybody a cynic.
You're either this or that. I like being between those. That was the source of my conflict. Conditionally claiming both to look good under criticism. My hopefulness. My positivity. My certainty. I used them all as shields to deflect the criticism. Childishly. Anyway, I'm hoping to dump who I was yesterday/today for who I can be tomorrow. I am still cheating. I am still taking advantage of my best attributes. At this point, I have grown desperate and will not mind being faulted for relying on whatever I can.
Perhaps, this drive...this sense of determination is what I have been secretly relying upon. Knowing it exists is enough to skew the results. Especially, if merely being watched can alter an outcome. And that much is certainly true. The "Observation effect" is still valid. Watch me. Change the outcome.
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