Response - Ability

I've written more about the woman that inspired me to avoid being drowned in despair after my break up than I wrote about the actual breakup. It mildly amuses me. On the other hand, I wonder if I'm compulsively preoccupied with this woman. What brings this about is that I wrote another poem about her today. The poems are usually cheery and hopeful. However, I can no longer discern whether I just used this as an excuse to avoid feeling hurt.

The level of toxicity coursing through my system was absolutely nasty. I had learned to live with the pain. I had gained a strength of silence. I am a sufferer. I bear. Ironically, being called sagey bear came into being because of my sweetish demeanor. Somehow, the differing meanings and usages of the word "bear" still apply. Which, in quite a few ways, led to my recent reclamation of the epithet. I find it hilarious.

I don't get any of it. Yes, I fail to grasp all of which surrounds the ongoing actions that I, myself, am taking. I don't usually just give up. I rarely give up. It can be said that I refuse to give up. But this last year...who the fuck was I? Nothing like the 30 years that preceded it. My misery was once a driving force. A desire to overcome all of the failures I've known and forgetting all the unessential fragments of my time here on Earth. But the current me? Meh...I just don't know.

I am by far more brilliant than I have ever been. I'm aware of the equivalence of my actions is "Crying during the sunniest times of my life"(to quote Phonte). Still, it feels as if I'm biding my time for something fairly large. I do not know why I feel this way or what could come to me while I'm not preparing nor prepared. I believe in preparation. Yet, look at me. Hilarious.

I don't love anybody any less than I did the day I realized that I loved everyone. I have people I absolutely do not want to be anywhere near. I do have people that it physically hurts to see. I have people I wanted to have around until forever came. Life just isn't built that way and I am angry with the fairy tale. Don't build me to be an idiot. It was very hard to overcome social programming. I am probably still resisting something that burbles beneath the surface. I cannot reflect perfectly. I cannot peer into a depth of my soul that light fails to penetrate.

Something tells me that I should have flown, drove, ran, swam, crawled to get to the sparkle when I was beckoned by her. I've grown endlessly under her via distance. I have grown in a manner of magnitudes. I have bore every lash and done so without burning at both ends. I couldn't win for losing. Now, I can't lose for winning. But what am I winning besides a spiritual battle for my very own soul? Seemingly nothing. I love her deeply. I resent her beauty(because it makes my being allured feel superficial). I have contempt with her for loving me(because somewhere inside, I feel unworthy). Tragically(was intended as in explanation but in reflection, I realized that readers would need more explaining...my apologies). I am humbled. Because I can put words to feelings that most folk cannot feel existing. I want her around me just long enough. Then again, I'd be embarrassed to be seen while I'm like this...at what appears to be my worst. My best worst.

See why I am confused? Haha. To even reflect like this is a sign that I'm still me...I've been doing this for sometime now. This weird manner of typing. I once penned newspaper articles frequently and was praised for my ability. This writing style is just a newer development. Guess it is finally time to test some limits and see how they work with me. My birthday is in 6 days. I'll be 31. It just tells me that I've spent a year being a prisoner to the freedom I've chosen to experience. I don't want freedom anymore. It's hyped up. I want to be many different kinds of prisoners, none of which require bars or probation officers.

Perhaps I'll share this and the poem I recently wrote with the person who inspired them. I'll trust her, everything she says, regardless of what I feel is impossible because I'm being stopped by minimal resistance these days. I have much need to do better simply because I can.

"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it"
"With great power there must also come — great responsibility"
"In dreams begin responsibilities"

"Responsibility is the state of being "responsible", or answerable for an act performed or for its consequences, especially morally, legally, or politically."