Pilot Light

Recently I learned that I'm not seeing half as much as I thought. I do see a lot but I'm so focused that I also miss a lot. Having something incredible surprise you with enjoyment has a tendency to make you reassess your ways as to not miss out on anymore.

I went on that date with a young woman. She was a ball of fun. Not that I felt any kind of way about it but she left me with some strong impressions. I have been thinking about her ever since. The first time in a year that I have thought about anybody other than Black Pearl, for longer than ten minutes. I honestly couldn't tell if it was because she was so sweet or if it was because I've become a shut in recluse. After a few days of just thinking about it, I realized that I still don't like what I didn't use to like. She sparked something greater than lust and enjoyment. She inspired me to be interested in her. I haven't forgotten how I've turned down quite a few women this year. And the reminder that some were gifted with some exceptional beauty.

That's not to say she isn't pretty. She is very pretty. And if she had a professional makeup job done, you wouldn't be able to tell she isn't a superstar. I can see a lot of beauty in her face. But most people look average without makeup, so what am I saying? Just that, she isn't lacking on her own merits. Not that I'm quite so deep in like that I want to talk to her all the time or anything. I just want to repay her spending time with me with a gesture of the same. I wouldn't be surprised if more was lit between us but as things are, I simply appreciate the quality of her character. She's dope. She's exceptional. She's great. And still, I'm merely acknowledging her.

I've been through a few women since I wanted to be married. I let go of the idea of "age & marriage" because, well, I'm 31 now. Nearly a decade older than I expected to be when I thought I'd be married. Somewhere inside, I still want to be married but the dream itself, feels crushed. In a moment of bitterness, I considered catching up on all the women I've missed out on. That idea simply doesn't add up in my observation of logic. I've never been greedy but often stingy. I expected that whoever shares with me, would feel similarly. And going on one date with this woman has reminded me that there are really great women out there that feel like I feel. Similar fears, similar goals, similar things to offer. I'm not so weird after all.

Typically, I cast a wide net. Since last year, I've cast no nets. I didn't want to catch anything. After the date, I got up and began to untangle my nets. Before I cast that net, I'll explore whether this woman is worth my investment. Although we joke together and get along fairly effortlessly, we aren't but in the wading pool. We got an ocean deep to explore and I don't truly know if we'll make it off the beach. I guess, I'm back up and off of reflection. It's blitzing forward at a frenetic pace, utilizing all effort to progress by any means. I am back in the flow. Unfortunately, my long rest has depleted my vitality. I need to rebuild it. I just hope I can. Because a shark can't stop swimming......