Too Many Times

I am currently living in the moment when a realization fundamentally changes the way you interact with others. I had hoped that this particular day would never come. Unfortunately, it was in my evolution. This way, fear seems like foreshadowing.

In the past, I have been a bit dramatic. The type that can keep a personal journal but refuses to do so for academics. Indulging in the emotional aspects instead of the incremental observations that require massive amounts of discipline. Even as I began blogging, nearly three years ago, I was an emotional ball of mess and hurt. I have had a fair amount of emotional turbulence and conflicting desires. At times, it was extremely easy to hoist the blame on the other involved parties. It was incredibly easy to point the finger but it was much more difficult to accept responsibility for purchasing a ticket to the very same disturbing "show" that inspired the complaints.

After a few years of that practice, it was becoming tedious to continue complaining as if the bulk of the responsibility went to someone else; as if I wasn't more responsible for my involvement. Feeling like being reasonable was the adjudicator of what must transpire, I operated on a false-faith of interaction, unknowingly leashing and limiting the behavioral responses. The path was set in my mind the way things would proceed. Comically, humans aren't so reliable. The woman I was with detested this practice of mine, secretly. She didn't know how to put it into words and I couldn't figure out why she was mad BECAUSE I WAS BEING REASONABLE. I never considered that my sanity would drive her insane. I digress.

Hindsight affords a certain level of retrospective focus that the moment cannot possibly sustain. The distance does help in every way. It is not impossible to be objective but experience is gaining information that was previously unavailable. Needless to say, if you're reading this, it is most likely that you know the situation I mentioned ended with heartbreak. That heartbreak was the red pill. Took a long time for the effect to get through to me but the idea is that it was one heartbreak too many for me.

An unavoidable truth has swooped down upon me, seized me within its claws and carried me away with its wings. From this height, the highest peaks are seemingly leagues beneath my feet. All of the mainstream socially reasonable reactionary tactics, that were my primary means of interaction, became immature child's play. It became clear that maturity wasn't in the mere practice of reasoning but in the application of curing the illnesses affecting communication. In that sense, being reasonable was counterproductive to resolving conflict.

Perhaps the logic is beginning to twist and distort but what is incomprehensible to one is an informative and fortuitous occurrence for another. Preparation is key to recognition of opportunity. And that's where all of this comes to a head. I have been touching fire, getting burned and not realizing that the pain is due my personal decisions. I now fully accept that. And I won't touch that fire again.

To be absolutely forthright, I cannot be sure how my interactions will manifest in the future. Every day seems to be a valuable chance for growth. I take the opportunity to push myself. And more so in knowing why and less of automaton-esque reasoning.

What I do know is, when a woman begins to wrap her fingers around my heart like the ever expanding grapevines expanding reach, I'll know to ignore that aspect of being wrapped in love and focus on hardening my resolve to being who I planned on being the entire time. No longer content to fit a mold or to be molded. My love has been broken too many times while doing it somebody else's way. I was the only one meant to lead from the beginning. And it is about time I let that ring true with my actions.