5 questions

I have poured my emotion into this blog when it overflowed to the extent that tears threatened to flow forth. At times, I hide some aspects behind allusions to hide my shame. Other times, I am raw with the honesty. Often, I feel stupid and hideously so, at that. However, this is my journal.

I know I'll be judged. I know some of these emotions are scary. I know some people cannot respect what I do here. Really, that eventually became fine to me. As shy as I have been my entire life. My insecurity has been virtually limitless. From thinking my nose was too big to having unattractive women decline my advances to questioning the size of my manhood to question the inherent goodness of my black skinned soul. It ceases to be feelings of 'inadequacy in self' and transmogrifies itself as 'blame of others'.

No longer is it "I'm just not good enough." Suddenly, it is "They just don't like me." While that may be the reality, to put thoughts in such phrasing is emblematic of the same fundamental issues. Just another branch on the same tree. Operating from the same cracked foundation. Perhaps, that is growth but it is insufficient.

In the recent years, it has been the mission to tell it how I see it. Oddly, before that was the mission, it is the only way I knew. But disagreements make me sick to my stomach. I don't want to fuss, fight and exchange about things that won't change regardless of opinion. Politics, Religion...in fact, it's better to frame it as social beliefs. Those things make little sense to exchange on at this point. Ignorance reigns and always will.

Ever more importantly, to think about anything other than personal desires and the process by which those will be accomplished seems to be a poor application of one's desperately limited times. All of this thinking and feeling and learning, has become a distraction. Where do I want to be? What do I want to be? How do I want to live. Who do I want to live with? When, however, is obvious.

The time is now.