Just the edges

I was re-calibrating my life two days ago. I make no money and I fear that I may never make any decent money. I mean, I'm not really one of those "march inside the lines" kind of ants. I buzz to my own bee. And that fear somehow pushed me out of sorts. It takes a lot to jar me but I'm glad it did. I'll never know what's coming for my next iteration. How will I grow in the future? Only way to find out is to live through it. And I am so human to think somehow, I found a way around the forced humility that is accepting failures and growing from them. Just another way to polish my humility.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't become a world famous track star.
I felt like a failure because I am over 30 with no kids...and a black man.
I felt like a failure because I have no idea what I'll do to make money.
I felt like a failure because I have no woman I can consider "Special".
I felt like a failure because I see the lives around me growing beautifully.
I felt like a failure because I haven't dealt with this last decade well.
I felt like a failure because I haven't used basic skills to fix my problems.
I felt like a failure because I show no ambition whatsoever...daily.
I felt like a failure because I live at home with my mother.
I felt like a failure because I am to embarrassed to hang out with my friends.
I felt like a failure because I ... a lot of reasons. Countless reasons. Endless reasons.

I have a dog and she caught parvo a few months back...it's a deadly serious illness for young puppies. $1000 dollar vet bill. She cut her leg open in a freak accident, I had to spend long nights finding a way to heal her leg because I could afford another vet bill. There was a flea issue. There was a this and a that and a this and a that. And I couldn't do anything about it because I have no money. No hustle. And barely give a damn. Nobody and nothing can convince me to give a damn either. I'm too content with watching the world flow by like fish in a stream. Disconnected yet aware. Not so much in a bubble but not so much in touch with anything that is widely considered "the thing to do".

Get a job? Get threatened to be fired because I don't "smile" enough or I'm five seconds late. Or get harassed because some white guy is afraid of black guys or get depended on because I'm the only dependable person. Or have car issues and still be held...ya know...I understand everybody has these issues to some extent. There is always some fuck face trying to ruin somebody else's day. And I have found some very charming responses to much of the trite interference. I just can't find enough give a damn to exert the effort to achieve an end.

Now, some folk may be curious about sexual matters. Sure, but I've never been one to allow my lower head to talk for me. Shit never made sense. I wanted to feel boobies, butts and insert myself until I erupted like Mt Vesuvius, it just never overwrite my feeling of personal pride. I won't sleep with someone I couldn't stand my child looking like. Cannot do it. I can't risk my child coming out half mentally broken, I won't be a good man. I'm trying desperately to keep myself in a position that will allow me to succeed. So, I'm moving when I say move. I still feel horrible about it. Seeing men well younger than myself with beautiful and intelligent women. I have no tears to shed about it tho. I studied Psychology like a fool. And somehow I managed to come out with bad grades like school wasn't real life. Now, when I finally want to apply to grad school, they want to ask me to take more classes. Nah. I'll just chill for now.

I really miss working out. I've tried but my motivation was at its highest point when I could go to the gym. I wouldn't miss a day, even if I slack until midnight. I was always there. Now, I no longer have my membership or the means to make it. That more than anything would get me moving again. That or a friend. But...I don't do so well with other people. People who like to exert their influence and abuse their investments. I disregard folk like that and they get their panties in a bunch. It happens a lot with women who approach me. They seem to want me to be an idiot for them. A monkey that will work for peanuts. Give me grief and give some other man the pussy. Because I'm fun to interact with but they just want a big cucumber sized dick to pogostick bounce on. (Actual words used to me...audaciously at that).

So. I see folk winning, have no idea how and see how badly I'm losing and I get a bit defeated. What's the point? I'm older, less motivated and hopeless. Or am I? This could be the moment talking. This could be confusion or delusion or frustration. Because these are just words. Words that don't necessarily fit into a universal reality simply because they were perceived. Truth is, I could be fine and just feel shitty because I saw some young asshat with a beautiful woman and a very expensive car. He earned it; I did not.

I am young, healthy, fairly intelligent, fairly hard worker, easily motivated and kind heartedly honest. Do I worry about me? No. That's why I've allowed my personal state to fall into such disrepair. I may have fallen too far but if I believe in miracles; If I believe I can pull off the impossible, then it doesn't matter how far I've fallen. I wasn't a millionaire by the age of 30 and I didn't have any kids. But there is no doubt that I am a tremendous person and I have impacted several lives. I try hard and I resist giving up until there is nothing but futility remaining. It sucks only living on the edges where either you don't believe at all or where you believe so deeply that nothing can shake you. I'm in both places and nowhere in the middle. I'm just on the edges...of sanity.