My mood has been completely inconsistent in September. I feel lost a bit. I mean, I'm typically all over the place emotionally but I have an anchor with a long tether. Right now, it feels like I'm not anchored; like I'm drifting without regard to my surroundings. Much better than August. I mean, I've actually got spare fire in my belly. So much so that I find myself arguing with people I have no business arguing with. I know I look foolish but what I'm attempting to gain from it is something I can't quite put my finger on. I don't put too much stock into appearances. Actors are constantly caught addicted to drugs only to rebound and have a decent career. Or a sex addicted person always seems to connect with a person they have no business being attached to sexually. Image doesn't mean shit. Sure, there is a difference but I don't expect that me looking silly arguing with fools will matter much in the grand scheme.
I also know I seem angry but it's hard to seriously engage them. To me, my words come off the tippy top of my thoughts. There is no deep thought or reflection. It's all old hat. In fact, the speed of my responses never seem to jar folk, despite how meticulous my answers are. It never fails to shock me how mindless some can be while arguing. It's like a poorly written script. Which reminds me, writing isn't supposed to be realistic. I do not know where the idea got into my head that it was supposed to be realistic. I don't know if it's as muddled for everyone else but I see nothing but people that can't get out compatible thoughts. People who mumble and stumble through the simplest of thoughts. By which means, popular media, attempting to authenticate itself with errors, diminished itself into a crass mass of indescribable mediocrity.
There is a lot about this world I won't ever pretend to get. I'm no longer even interested with those particular aspects of existence. Violence. I'm totally done with that. Insults. I'm super done with that.
I thought...no, I still feel like I'm done with anger. In truth, I may have just found a way to diminish the anguish I experienced when I was angry and now anger feels something different. Before it was hot and flushed me everywhere, soaking me in a rage like substance(I know it is nonsensical). Now, it doesn't feel much different than anything else but I would describe it as a yellowish ball with a reddish purple core, that spins slowly while I'm actively agitated. I guess that just tells me that I have much more road to walk. I wanna be the master so bad already. LOL.
So, between arguing, reflecting, meditating and engaging, I have been putting more effort to reap a physical reward by doing more physical work. I have also made a friend who I can talk to every so often. I feel like a weird, alternate reality pet to this person but not necessarily in a bad way. Like, what life could have been like type of thing. I'm okay with that. I'm getting to a point where I'll make a stand on principle no matter who I may lose behind it. I am alone now. Maybe everybody I've made some sort of connection with needs to be purged for me to find a reason to move forward. I'm heavily disenchanted with the world and my personal lot. Though I'm happy with myself, I'm not entirely contented with the options I left myself. I will be fine. Perhaps I should worry more.
I have a date later this month. It's something that was jokingly two years in the making. She was in a relationship and so was I. She made a joke on Facebook about accepting applications for a new male companion. I jokingly offered my app. We both knew it was a joke. Two years later, she moved to my state and jokingly told me she was here to reexamine my qualities as an applicant. We laughed at the joke and went on about our business. Some many months later, she apparently was more serious than I had considered OR really just wanted to hang out with somebody and hadn't met anyone she felt was worth her time, asked me. For all I know, she could have had a list a dudes and I was somewhere on there. It doesn't matter to me. It makes me no different. I was asked if I'd accompany her and I said yes. I felt some kind of way about being asked out but to be fair, it's not like I was going to ask her. I'm in a world of peace, licking wounds that I have considered long since healed. I keep forgetting how horribly stressful my life had been for the last few years. I felt a glimmer of that earlier. The absolute sickness of it...it was a wake up call. I could have died from a broken heart. I really put 99.999% of what I had into that relationship. I threw away my pride and standards as a man for a woman who, retrospectively, did not deserve the effort I gave.
Sure, she is a great human being. I'm not ever going to slander her. She is human. Does human things. Human shit happens. But nobody I've ever seen, deserves effort that compromises my health and that's what I gave. I went too far. I trusted her and trusting others hurts. Even when you feel nothing and refuse to exert those emotions, that shit is real. You can deny or accept it but the shit still has an effect. Even still, I think acceptance is the best thing going. I still stand by understanding. I refuse to budge from positivity. And I'm only telling it how I remember it. If I am wrong...then so be it. To the best of my ability, this is the unaltered truth. Not that such a thing matters anyway. This my blog, I can lie if I wanna. Who gon' check me?
So, I took a break from twitter because Yesterday, I devolved into a somewhat savage flirt and today, these folks decided they could RT me, make me look like the bad guy, and tell me off as if I were powerless to prevent any of this. I gave them an opportunity to get the message from the source. Instead, each was content to sling insults, yell and scream and refuse to listen. I deleted the tweets she had, reported her as spam and went about my day, contented to have foiled her plan to make me look like the posterboy of twitter male privilege. And I did it with a taunt: "Watch me rain on your parade".
My father is a man. I asked him what he thought about it; about the "female" is disrespectful and dehumanizing to women. He echoed much of my initial thoughts on the topic. It isn't about the word itself and neither should their outcry be about the word. These movements seek to censor the hearts, minds and mouths of the people in a land where you are free to say what you want. Especially when there isn't a personal investment, their little battle seems even more vapid. My father goes onto saying that he can understand women not wanting to being called "Ladies" because "lady of the night" or Madam because madams run brothels. Or "woman" because that too was dehumanizing at one point. It was a long series of reaches from women that associated the word as the insult instead of the usage. He took in stride that female was no different than male and acknowledge the little connotation game that a group of women are playing on twitter.
My entire purpose was to help them refine their focus and not recklessly attack people. I was trying to help them. They attacked me for having insight into reality that they refused to acknowledge. I do not know the intellectual gap between me and those ladies. I'm sure some of them had to be fairly accomplished but then again, that doesn't make you smart. Whatever. I went to my dad because he will not hesitate to tell me that I've been callous or unnecessary forsaken another's feelings. He is helping me to avoid conflict. His advice? Why bother getting involved? You know better, you don't need to, so why do it? And my response was, I may know better by definition but I do not know better by practice. If I did know better by practice, I would not engage. I'm learning this lesson as fast as my stubborn or euphemistically "determined" heart and mind will allow me. But I know I'm completely in control. I have my own agency. It is an excuse to say my heart and brain. Really, it is my conditioning and impulse control. Both of which, I have been taught to neutralize and overcome. If I fail to do so, it is a choice of regression and not one of positivity.
So, the end result was, do I truly desire positivity or do I just want to talk about positivity while doing what I want with a lukewarm conviction?
That is to say, this entire entry is literally an ode to procrastination and excuse making. And I am still attempting to capitalize on my stronger qualities while trying to allow myself to be human. I finally have a bead on what others are seeing that I don't need to ask a million questions. It is a feeling of weakness. I never knew how strong I was in comparison. But it wasn't even remotely touchable. Welp. I was better not knowing my own strengths. I gotta get back to the mindlessness. But I do know who I am so I guess that's a bonus. END.