Dammed Anger

Recently, I decided to completely remove anger from my daily emotions. It has left me excessively reflective which in turn has diminished my overall exuberance. I am saddening ever so deeply.

I know this will sound weird considering the topics I have written about but women don't comprise much of what I think about in the grand scheme of strained thought. Not the remembering or the indulging or anything else, really. But the removal of anger changed that completely. I have been stuck in reliving critical moments in past relationships. My dreams were about my two most recent relationships. I have never felt so hopeless. Every woman I have been with has gotten married and moved on. That's not really the part that bothers me. I both know they cared and feel like they didn't know they didn't truly care. I know that's condescending but the rabbit hole my brain pranced down isn't something that has me feeling too comfortable.

Alright, I need to refine that statement before moving forward. Where do I start? These women swore that my presence was necessary. I swore that they just lacked perspective of the situation and swore they needed me out of connection. I guess it's true, not anybody would do but the core of the issue is my internal feelings of worthlessness. I have tried to reconcile this but it is nearly impossible. I feel great worth for my life. I feel like my abilities and intellect are worthy of note. No matter how I estimate the situation, I'm not trash. However, society has a different and persistent message. I guess it all boils down to a fear of failure/success. But in all honesty, it is probably more likely a fear of utter mediocrity. As such, I would rather avoid that much. Maybe, my fear is a reflection of my past. Always one step behind what my girlfriends demand of me. One wanted me to make twice as much as she did. By the time I did, I was on the next. That next wanted me to accept her and her fucked up family...well, I guess I never did get that one down. Don't mistreat the people I care for because I won't allow it to persist.

I don't really understand what is happening. I seem to be more lost these days when I have strong conviction to a goal. An emptiness of sorts. A loneliness I haven't known for a few years. Twitter had been keeping me somewhat connected. I just...gave up on half of my emotions. Having a huge amount of faith in people, I wasn't served wrongly. Plenty of love. But August was a low point. And I decided that I needed to pull myself out of a virtual despair-less hope. I needed to fine despair. I needed something to be afraid of. I needed fear of failure; of mediocrity; of being worthless for real.

I do not need any new friends but I'm sure I'll make some. I don't need any new problems but I'm sure I'll find some of those too. I don't need but I want and what I don't want, wants those who do not want it- namely, me. And the best chance I have of producing my own version of happiness is to prepare for whatever I have remaining. So, one day soon, I will work up the courage to run headlong into battle with leaky eyes and a raised voice; tensed muscles and deafening chatters in my thoughts. I will meet the blade as all who have come before me. I will accept however it cuts. My time was limited and I've had a good time. I've known happiness unlike the war and struggle many others have known. A little harassment, death threats and violence was not that big an issue. I have thoroughly enjoyed life and I plan on enjoying whatever years I have to come. I just have it all muddled up in the present, trying to make the most of whatever potential I have.

I am scared. I am also, willing to go as far as I need to in order to find a little slice of happiness while questioning whether I deserve even that much.

EDIT: Part II

Just 6 hours prior, I typed this up in one fell swoop of a few minutes. It pretty much flowed freely. I linger through these emotions(exceptionally rare). Typically, there is a massive release. A certain grasping of acceptance. With this, the emotion on got heavier and made me feel less in control. Such a sensation...ennui...that's the word. Every single aspect of life is in a state of not meaning shit. Utterly senseless. I can't put a finger on what life matters. All of these attached meanings drag me down because I'm not doing anything but existing. Even if I were....back to the times when I flourished...I felt nothing but a sensation of worthlessness. Because I can't change the world for the better. Because, in the grand scheme of things, I'll struggle to find a way to pay my bills without selling myself. Again, more meaning that does little to establish a significance. All of this purposeless perception. Awareness.

I'm not really angry. I'm kinda not even sad but I'd at least cop to that. Put emotions on a grid and I'm somewhere between absolute apathy and disenchantment. Being happy single isn't really comparable to being sad together. I'm ecstatic with who I am. I don't like not having a career to be proud of but even if I had a career, the way my mind is set up, I'll deflate it down to purpose and perhaps, that is my biggest personal hurdle: self defeating thoughts. Then again, I'm not the kind of person that needs a lot of directions or motivation to work. If there is work to be done, I just do it. Unfortunately, I don't see work to be done. One lifetime can't correct 1,000's of errant lifetimes. I'm amazed at people. Simultaneously brilliant and arrogantly ignorant. Talking but never hearing what they, themselves are saying. Listening but never getting the point of communication. Complaining about a problem but never seriously searching for an answer. Having all the resources in the world at your fingertips and merely whining about it. I think I'm this way too. Probably why it is so bothersome.

Look, right now, if you were to talk to me, you would walk away feeling incredible about yourself. You'd feel alright about me. I care about people. I know how important it is to feel like people care. How important it is to be touched by people verbally and physically. I understand better than I thought I ever would. The world I see now...there's no way a lot of people see this world. Just, the field of vision...breath taking. If things like this continue to happen to my perception, I'll sincerely have an indomitable conversation game.

Where was I at? Trying to give a fuck when everything I learned is pushing me toward apathy and perhaps even antipathy. It all began at August's horribleness and my adjustments really only seemed to exacerbate my feeling of "lack". Maybe this is do or die and I gotta put effort into being something better than I am, currently. Maybe I'm in the throes of my greatest arrogance by believing I'm over arrogance. Who knows. I'll know in a few years. Also, my birthday is this month. One year older.

I had huge plans for this year that just passed. NOTHING WAS ACCOMPLISHED. What is life without a degree. What is life without the highest level of education. What is life with it? I'll still be brownskinned. I'll still be resistant to mainstream ideologies. I'll still opt out of group think. Fuck it, I'm going to seriously consider joining the ARMED FORCES. Life is pretty much to that point where my feeling of futility is defeating me. I should put this in someone elses hands. I'm clearly not cut out for this "doing grown shit alone" life.

I don't even know what emotion I have and trying to type it out is getting me nowhere. I miss the days where I useta lift my emotions away. Where I zoned out and focused on getting buff because being buff would solve all of my problems. All it did was brought me more problems. LOL. I'm being negative. Obviously...I should put down the keyboard and go do something physically exhausting. I want to go kill a shark, defang a tiger, punch a spear into the gut of a hippo. Idk...

Or perhaps, I need to re-align my meditation. I seem to have fallen out of the practice. Or maybe  something else is throwing me off. Actually, this typing shit out until I get a clue may have brought up a good idea. I need to run a diagnostic on myself to see what exactly is irking my perception. What is plaguing me. I think I'm around 3,000 words. If you've read it this far, I need to buy you a drink, a bouquet of flowers or a nice video game/good book.



THE PART YOU SHOULD'VE SKIPPED TO FROM THE TITLE:


Women love the idea of me. I'm a great guy by all accounts and I'm very gentle in how I treat others. I'm good looking, employable, intelligent and honest. Every woman I've ever loved has left me. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with each of them. Tried hard every single time. Two managed to get away via other countries. The last via another man. Cool. I've covered that countless times. Here's the new part: even the women I haven't loved have found a way to knock me down a peg.

I cannot recount the many times a woman fell for me hard only to flip a 180 in two weeks. Perhaps it's my personality. Same thing makes you laugh makes you cry. It has been happening a lot lately. I know folks have triggers but when you talk to new people it takes a ton of energy. To have a new person flip out and go apeshit because they didn't like the way something sounded without regard to whether it was totally acceptable...basically, women want men to be dumb and not notice anything. They want to feel like they get away with shit(if in your head you said men do it too, fuck you, I don't care what men do, I ain't tryna fuck them...).

If it isn't that, it's some other inane qualification based on shit that should barely be relevant. And I'm not mad at them for their preferences or standards or whatever folks are calling that fuckshit. Nobody pays attention to the critical aspects of a relationship. Fuck is compatibility? Agreeing on some shit that don't matter and ain't relevant even if it did matter? Children & spending habits. That's pretty much the only significant issues. Most the other shit is background. But the women I've been indulging? Oh, they get pissed because they have a topic they like to be ignorant about and I don't like justifying ignorance. I can't see everything I do that is ignorant but if you see something, point it out and I'll listen. What's the point of arguing? I want to be better. Tell me what you see that I don't. That's how the fuck I live up to my word. Not just say some shit and not even try to do it. Imma do my best. Nobody has shit to say. I mind my p's and q's. I'm working on my writing and structure but I'm also dealing with my writing related anxiety so it isn't as particularly easy as many other things. It's a weird sort of addiction to quitting unsettling spirits. It's strong like the sensation to avoid touching fire. It's strong. And a few times I reach through that sensation, it has been rewarding and debilitating. I get better and worse. So now I have a fear of the process. Why I barely typed anything over the summer.... The last few things? I didn't even go back over them...could be all kinds of typos and shit.

This one, I cracked back open and just started typing. I think I've been typing the edit for about an hour. This is a veritable book of rambles about a feeling of incompleteness and utter lacking. I touch many topics, inconclusively and resolving to put myself under a diagnostic to ascertain a finer impetus of this looming cloud of August's negativity.

All I got is FUCK...fuckity fuckity fuckity fuckity FUCK.
Yeah, I know...I didn't finish with the women...I think they were a distraction anyway. Just a lot of gelatinous emotions. Imma go start lifting heavy shit in a lot of repetitions until I can no longer do such. This shit is a horrible feeling. And I'd say tens of hundreds of times worse than being dumped by the "love of your life". The lacking strength of the sensations are what makes it so incredibly unnerving. It's everything negative about being human. Lol. Okay...maybe I'm being a bit dramatic in an attempt to excuse my bullshit rambling. So what! Lol