Not the answer

From a bullied child to a troubled "Master Chef", it appears the theme of today is suicide. Especially since I blocked someone on twitter, who constantly threatened folks(on twitter) with suicide. Personally, I don't give a shit one way or another if you think that me giving a damn about you is going to make me coddle you. I'm not the man for hostage negotiations. Maybe someday I'll receive training but the moment you try to take my emotions hostage, that's the moment I dump everything you thought you knew about me into the river and begin again.

First, suicide is selfish. There is no getting away from that fundamental understanding. Anything after that is either dissecting the causes of suicidal ideation or the sources that inspired the ideation. Sure, there are much softer people in the world who will crumble for an individual that is hellbent on bringing an end to their perceived suffering. I'm sure every ounce of suffering is legitimate but only a mere fraction of that is unavoidable.

I am not in a good mood talking about suicide. My brother and sister have threatened. I've had plenty of friends who have threatened. My last partner, she threatened countless times. I resented them to the core for abusing my faith in them. None of these people are even a tad bit slow. Maybe they wanted some sympathy and didn't know how to communicate; maybe they seriously wanted to end it all either way, I cannot inspire them to live. And after the countless attempts of trying to inspire folks to live, I realized I never could. I realized that I was being toyed with. Because I'm soft. Because I'm soft on people. They think if they claim I'm being too hard on them, I'll leave them alone. The thing is, I'm virtually non-existent. I don't nag people. At best, a gentle reminder in the form of a question.

I have been made into the bully before and it got under my skin. We all know I'm a black man. I've been accused of so many countless things that I was nowhere within a thirty mile radius of when these crimes were committed. Being a bully, no, that certainly isn't one. But that brings me back to this 9 year old kid that hung himself. First, how is a kid bullied to a suicidal extent and the parents fail to notice...and everyone fails to notice. The kid was nine, for bullying from his peers to be enough to push him over the edge, and nothing else share the blame, I am absolutely dumbfounded. Now, I talked to a few women about it and they rapidly arose to blame television. But who controls the remote? Who pays for that television that inspires kids to off themselves before they make it into their preteens? Parents/Guardians.

At this point it should be fairly obvious that I'm not buying the simple "bullies" argument. I'm not arguing that the bullies couldn't inspire such a response but at that age and solely responsible? That's too easy. Letting everybody who failed that child off the hook too easily. Furthermore, they say the kid was teased for being "white". Excuse me? Yeah, get the search party everyone, we're looking for a scapegoat. But folk read "9 year old commits suicide for being bullied because of his white skin" and now we have a stab at reverse racism that will be quoted by self-serving bigots for years to come.

I don't think you can stop somebody who wants to commit suicide. If they really want to, nothing you can do. If they are crying out, that is a sign of other problems. I can hardly find the room to feel sympathy or pity. Have I been suicidal before? Mildly. It was the ideation that forced me to look in the mirror and kill the excuses. That suicidal ideation is addictive. The moment you open the mind to those possibilities, the more it gets addicted to self mutilation. The more it does that, the more you think that you should simply "do it". Except, I hated the idea. I talked myself through to the truth of the matter and resolved my way out of that hell. I am not even slightly convinced that most people can do that. Nor  do I expect them to.

But I was my biggest problem. Nobody else. The moment I accepted responsibility, I mean, we as a people are given excuses and allowed to blame others for how we feel. That is a horrible aspect of humanity. Never is another person responsible for how we feel. Never. That doesn't exist. We may relinquish agency of our emotions but that is still our choice. And though suicide is an excuse in my eyes, I recognize that my depth on the subject matter is not substantial. What I say comes from a place of giving a damn about others. I simply cannot live for them. I can forgive them for choosing suicide. I cannot excuse the choice. I don't need to be right. This is merely my opinion. And the way that it is established within a hierarchy of thoughts, it will take a phenomenal onslaught of education to alter my outlook.

I blame the parents, the friends, the society, the assholes who are supported and cherished. I blame society and the individual. People aren't born suicidal. It isn't just a bad relationship or a lost job that drives people to it.
I got out of my way so that people know I care. Consistently, for anyone remotely troubled. Just because I care. Don't think you can come at me because my views seem calloused. You don't know my pain. How my heart aches when I see somebody has taken their life. Yet, it was fair to assume my words were a summation of my character because I don't see fit to blame the bullies for something that took community cooperation to achieve? Yeah, okay.

Hypocrisy is one hell of a drug. I cannot leave myself to commiserating with people who commit suicide. And who has the nerve to tell me how to be. I deal with things my way and you deal with them your way. You don't like what I'm saying about people doing things I didn't like them doing? Oh, nice to see you uphold the same standards for me as you do for the person you think I'm belittling and yourself. If you cannot see the connection, I'll make it transparently crystal.

I have a thought. You don't like my thought and make a judgment based on it.

My thought was based on an action somebody else took and I made a judgment.

The action somebody else took was a judgment about what others told them.

It's ironic, when you remove the "skin" of the occurrence and look at what happens, that you are no better than either of us. Just a part of the trinity. We can make special exceptions for people who talk about those who kill themselves yet we cannot make the same exception for those who actually kill themselves. Seems just a wee bit biased to me.

Meanwhile, I have not killed anybody. I'm mad at the murderer. You're mad at the person who is mad at the murderer. Still doesn't make sense to me. Should I continue counting the hypocrisy? There's always more. I neither put the blade in their hand nor did I want anybody to kill themselves. That's a personal choice. We're stupid as a nation to think we should protect each other from ourselves(in intentional self afflicted harm...not lack of caution type stuff).

About all of the grown black men who committed suicide, it tears my heart up to see that mess. Nobody was there for them. Nobody could reach them. Imagine the good they could have done for the black community...they were legends purely for making it to fame. And now they're gone forever. Tell me again how suicide isn't selfish and shouldn't be criticized. Cause all I see is over identifying with somebody who ultimately was nothing like you. Even if I do nothing else with my life, I don't see myself giving suicide much attention from myself or others. There's too much beauty in life. And you choose to see it or not. You don't get to blame me because of your negativity.