Burnt Out on it

Man, if you all could only hear the thoughts racing through my little head. So many of them voicing their opinions at once. (Yes, I did just add personification to my thoughts of my thoughts. Deep shit, right?)

It is not an arguable fact that I'm very candid with my blog. I share things that only crybabies, emo's and others similarly conflicted with awareness can express openly without thinking of the ridicule or shame to follow. (Yes, I'm saying that I'm better than you. No, it is not a pretentious statement if it is true. It is true).

I know why people think this should be private and I whole heartedly disagree. If you put something intimate out there, be prepared to withstand the criticisms. I am prepared. If you put things of this nature into the open pulse of this "information world" then be prepared for people to be guarded with you. I am.

You know why I'm prepared, contented to do so & minimally afflicted with sharing? Because, in my normal, every day, real world life I have innumerable mouths opening strictly to tell me how far off center I am and that I need to fall in line. I come here to check and see if ANYBODY at all is out there. Because, from my view, the masses are being turned into mindlessly regurgitating zombies one by one. People mob to the same quotes and churn them out ad nauseum over a three month period. It gets old so quick. None of these takes the time to extrapolate a truer meaning of the saying than face value. These faceless & anonymous crowds still have the audacity to get upset when they are seen as an unoriginal drone; as a Pinocchio replica that is simply "dying" to be seen as a real boy. The prospect is laughable. Laughable not because it isn't possible but because it requires work which this drone wasn't built to do. The application of this work or at least the thought of the application of this work is, ironically, all these little impostors required.

I am a real boy. I have always maintained my independence as well as my dependencies. I chose to do so of a coherent & lucid volition. I'd swear it makes all the difference but I simply ain't a gambling man. I didn't know what I was doing much like anybody else. What I did know though, was that I was the one struggling through every bit of it. If I got an A, it wasn't because I listened to others speak but because I reasoned from the beginning to the end on topic. If I got an F it is because I chose my own directions without regards to what others were saying when they spoke. I tried to decided what was worthy of examination and focus. Not the greatest student. The pretenders lack this essential core mechanism. They are good alphas & betas. I rebuke the system. I am not an anarchist.

All of this I use to say that I deal with the idea of being candid to communicate my truest trials. And I do not mean that these trials are physically taxing but that I have come to an impasse and find myself lacking of confidence on how to proceed. Especially, when I have been trained to be a drone yet the lesson is being contradicted by orders from above. It is at such a point that I not only share profusely to gain perspective but I rehash many of those same perspective to see if the sources I originally interacted with has gained anything noteworthy to augment my prior understanding.

I don't need confidence if I may use observation. I do not need reinforcement if I can use the simplicity. However, when restricted, the natural idea is to resist. Being anchored and chained leads us to nowhere. In this manner do I often take stance that the ignorance of others limits me to producing my thoughts in a somewhat cowardly way on the internets to gain a better sense of what exactly is going on. This strength is taken for granted as if it were a weakness. Blah, point is, this is grace; mercy. The closed loop of operation. The open loop is the pre-programmed air of arrogance and surety that dominates the minds of today's citizenry. Kinda burnt out on it all.

Why check to make sure I'm not being an idiot? Newt Gingrich says whatever words can fit out of his mouth. Ol' whiny assed, no moral fiber having assed, adulterous and weak minded individual. And we are to respect these offices of public service when they really only exist to serve self at this point? Yes, I am glossing lightly over many a topic to ultimately say what I've already said "I'm a greater person than you are and I could care less about how you feel than I care about why ants can't die from falling from very high places."

With the flames of rebirth finding no sustaining force to exercise, the passion extinguishes itself. And as the charred remains lay there, unaffected by the gentle breeze, one must wonder "Was there ever a point at which being tactful should have mattered for me?" Regardless of what I said, I am where I would have been. Don't let your fear be the phoenix...it is not the life to lead.