Me and Misses Me

I've definitely earned the designation of "emo" dude. I am not okay with that. However, I strongly value the ability that comes with being so "sensitive" in that I can read people better; deeper than most and faster. The downside of having more thoughts to express is murderous both romantically and socially. As I think back, I've decided to share this story from the annals of my life.

Star crossed lovers is an understatement. We crossed universes in each other's eyes before we ever took a breath of this outside world. She and I, me and her. From the moment I first stayed up all night talking with her, enthralled by the rapid pace and depth of our conversation, I knew, she was the one I was intended to love. That feeling only got deeper, more intense and redefined in more meaningful ways. We are both deeply passionate people. There were great things about the couplings. She could teach me the opposite of discipline which is having no choice; doing what is necessary. I could teach her the freedom of accepting that all things rise and fall in fire, from the forest to the world of man...everything in this life is as the phoenix. We loved so freely and shared so much. But bitterness, jealousy & interference was rife. There were violations of information sharing and so much came in the way of us just being able to exist outside of time and within each others arms. Eh, well, that is the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. You love somebody so much that you think about them and it eats at you. It seems as if we couldn't handle the strength of our bond. We both panged endlessly from the bite of love. And when I didn't know what to do and couldn't talk about it...we melted. And when she didn't know what to do and we couldn't talk about it...we melted. We just kept melting. Believing and hoping and wishing that one day soon, we would be able to just BE together without so much of the world trying to actively break us apart.

Special or not, this was a bitter pill to swallow. As I think back, she really didn't measure up to my former girlfriends in the task of giving me what I wanted. She didn't fawn at my feet like I was accustomed to. There was so much tragedy to this connection. The only thing that wasn't Romeo and Juliette about it is that we didn't die at the end of our love. We did not part at death...just the imminent warning of it. And that was enough for both of us.
I was increasingly unstable trying to imprint in her actions that I would not waver and that my dedication to her and I, me and she, was absolute. I believe that she believed me. Hell before her, I was ready to settle down with another girl. A care-free, child-like nymphette who only wanted to teach and be comforted. And there was nothing wrong with her but she certainly did not challenge me in any meaningful way. She had always complained about being too little for me but I didn't care. I just focused on appreciating her. Well at that time, new versus old, there was no comparison. The mental stimulation rocked out the difference and the old had already moved on in many ways. I simply stopped holding on.
Through out the strife an problems, the cool thing about me and mental mind meld woman (who this blog is about) is that I never lacked the compassion for wanting to be around her. I couldn't get enough of her. We had a similar happy bug. But our variations in strengths caused huge rifts between us. I'm a wordsmith type. I understand the similarities and easily make connections between words without even the slightest delay. I love language. She is more of a math mind. She is very calculated to the directionality, pitch and denotation/connotation of a word. That led to a few discrepancies. But such was hardly ever a big deal and we forged beyond the frustations. I and she, her and me.

Until a very dark time came to pass. We were both in the bowels of societal angst. The future appeared bleak to both on individual scales. Neither wanted to drag the other down. However, one felt stronger than the other. One had more vision that the other. And my emotions got the better of me. I fell first. She fell harder. But before she fell, she brought me back to life. When I stood, I couldn't notice that she, herself was falling. By the time I reached for her, it was too late and there was no reviving what we had. She...and...I...her...and...me.

I do not know just how long it took me before I could even walk around without the clouds of death over me. I don't know how long it was until I smiled from my heart again. All I know is that I have yet to meet a woman that so envelopes me in her being without me being in her body. And until that makes an infinitesimal of sense, I will not accept anyone telling me that they can relate to how I felt because they aren't like I was. And character descriptions would be nice but just because the overall progression of acts denotes high likelihood of similarities, the devil is in the details. This is akin to me explaining two cars and how they keep breaking down and have expensive parts to fix but one is an Aston Martin and the other an Acura Integra. Sure, the love is splendid and miraculous but the R & D behind every implemented thought. The exhaustive search for answers and combinations and solutions and desires. Those things just cannot be paralleled with desire. Especially when those things occur at the same time and space that desire does.

All in all, I'm still waiting to see if I bump into someone that proves to me that she wasn't the love of my life. I'd hate to have lost something so precious. My Silver eyed diamond of sunshine. If you ever read this Maybe the hourglass is no longer sick with us.