The Facts

Whenever you start off on a mission to bring to light the parts of your personality that most people don't pick up on, the beginning can be confusing. I never know where to start. I pick what I figure is the best introduction and hurl it at my listener. Today, I want to be brutally honest. I care how people see me but I would rather not live based on a lie - even if it is a partial misrepresentation. I've learned how extremely detrimental the little inaccuracies can grow to be. Each partial truth is a seed of destruction. I do not feel any particular way about the words connotations. I use the words in a descriptive sense, not an emotional sense.

A few years back, I was in a dying relationship with a woman I thought could house my every desire. She felt like she couldn't. And, as we began to unravel, anybody with half a wit could tell she was pulling away from me based on her concept of our compatibility. I was deeply hurt by it and didn't understand. She wanted to go teach in another place and she asked for my help. I knew that it would be the end of us; I knew that she would love it and want to stay longer than the six months we agreed upon. After she left, we grew apart. She tried less and less to stay in contact with me. And before long, I just felt absolutely alone. And after we got to a point that we talked only to keep from "feeling" lonely, I happened upon what I thought was the perfect love. It had the voice, the qualities, the education, the talent...everything was there. And before I knew it, I had moved from one woman to the next. I felt a little confused about it. I'm not the type to jump from one relationship into the next. After a tremendous amount of internal dialog, I came to the conclusion that I needed to explore this new love. I became enveloped by every part of it. We struggled like I've never known. Compromise was hard on both ends. There were many times that seemed like it would be the end of everything. Ultimately, things got going steady and I was happy just for the opportunity to struggle together. But no sooner than it began, did it end. I couldn't believe that the entire mission fell apart off a few confused feelings.

Well, I drew back. Began to lick my wounds. Tried to heal in a meaningful way. And having grown from the emotional volcano I was just a short 50 months ago to this lake of acceptance I am now, the process was easily more palatable than I ever expected.


(I don't know for sure that there is another person but I definitely don't want to take my pain to anybody else to deal. I've dealt with the pain another has caused and it takes a ton of energy to get around. I did what many cannot or will not do. I helped to heal a broken heart. I painstakingly put the pieces together shard by shard. And I'd do it again. I'd do it because that's who I am.I was not a little man but I could have been a great deal more understanding. I used force when I should have used charm; paid a bit too much attention to detail and not enough attention to emotion. I don't believe that I did anything that would be considered "dominating". How we see things will always vary greatly.)

That's the background.

(Author's note: Originally penned 11/25/2012)