Walking into different rooms of a house, you'll notice that each room has a slightly different smell because of the furnishing, clothing and other materials left to reside in the empty spaces. I like candles. There will be candles that give off strong scents and others that are barely noticeable even when lit. Of course, I reflected on that. I thought, "they way I think is like those lightly scented candles." I'm always thinking but rarely with a concerted effort. It feels like I never think. But, that seems like an inane statement coming from reading what I transcribe to these interweb pages from the walls of my mind. There has to be thought. It just doesn't have any feeling to it. There is no pain. There is no conflict. Everything glides into place. Well, things like the Rubik's Cube are just like walking in darkness. Despite my effort on those sorts of puzzles, I am not interested in them in the least. It's boringly benign to me. I really wanted to solve it because I haven't solved it before. And I feel as if I truly tried. I simply saw no purpose and maintained my effort on desire for the accomplishment. After a week of handling it for about 30 minutes a day, I began putting it down for 3 & 4 days at a time and only playing with it for 10 minutes or so. I had gotten a great deal better at lining everything up except the last part and I was too uninspired to learn the algorithm. Before I knew it, I was still trying to solve it but I had stopped touching it. Perhaps, it was too hard for me. Maybe, I'm just not IQ heavy enough to complete deeply complicated sequences.
I look at music similarly. I love the melodic harmonies that instruments can be manipulated to create. I find these things captivating with "thought" yet, I cannot be troubled with the dedication or discipline to stick to it. It was a similar story with Japanese. My recall was excellent. My production was commendable. Japanese always remarked at how well pronounced my Japanese was. I just rested on those laurels as well. But this internal voice...it stopped being so loud a long time ago. It began whispering to me a long time ago. And my being a very passive person, I believe, is a major part of that. Passive people tend to think more and listen more. Conflict avoidance. As far as thinking goes, I should be a professional thinker up until this point. As far as doing goes...well...I've just described how I cannot seem to do...well...anything.
This has lead me into a world of frustration and again, I get visions of the scented candles. How subtle the scent can linger over a perception is similar to how frustration can linger over my mood and drip by drop, fill up my reservoir until I no longer can withstand the confusion. And by some measure, I believe that too, to be thought. And it has become weird, to a point where I think physically. I think by doing. My mother has done this her entire life. She thinks by doing so much that I doubt she does by thinking. Again, is this consideration actual thought or simply memories. Do memories qualify as thought? I'm not asking for literal definitions...I'm asking for functional definitions. You know, the type that change given the scenario or the background information. However, you choose to see it.
Where I am now; what I think I need to do; which direction I'm going in....it all has changed with my recent loss. I really lost myself in the pursuit. I cannot tell you how deeply I'd have been gone. I was ruined. I was shamed. I was mortally wounded. I was dying rapidly. And, believe it or not, I wasn't going to say a word about it. But life is so very mysterious. I had a friendship that was blossoming in a very "lightly scented candle" kind of way. With that friendship, my life will forever be changed. It was the miraculous timing of it all. I don't know if I'm rehashing and rediscovering something that I've known the entire time. After last night, running and playing with my puppy, I found that this "pearl" meant so much more to me than I could have realized in the moment. Impeccable timing. I think, that'll follow me around for a while but I also cannot tell because it's like one of those scented candles, ya know the lightly scented ones.