I don't take break ups well at all. Even though I fight with everything I have to make relationships work, I haven't been able to sustain them. It could be said I'm picking the wrong women(which is still my responsibility). It could be a many a thing said about how the relationships progress and the weaknesses routed all up and through those joints(Yes, I reverted to excessive colloquialisms--bear with me, I'll straighten up, lol). But I suffer through the relationships with women who show a lot of disregard for my happiness. I suffer through women disrespecting me by not properly drawing the lines of communication with other men. I suffer through the break ups after they decide I'm no longer worth their time. I suffer when they contact me afterward because a part of me loved them so much that I couldn't find the words to tell them the extent it wouldn't disappear. And this August, that energy formed a grey cloud that followed me like a lost puppy.
Last October, I was madly in love with a light skinned, soul singing, intellectual mother of one. I was determined to marry her. I had struggled and fought through all of her bullshit, inappropriate hangings on, excuses, family issues, psychological problems....the redundant break ups she levied against actions I never took. I tried desperately to sustain it all. I had never had a relationship so dysfunctional that I was willing to fight for. She was awesome in my eyes. She had tons of flaws but those only made her more beautiful to me. She was easy to fall in love with but soon afterwards, she began punishing me for doing so much. Even after my common sense told me that she was poisonous(Poison was a favorite song of mine- looking back, such a potent foreshadowing) I kept fighting for the victory. I had finally gotten to a point where I knocked out all the other contenders and had her all to myself. Shit didn't last a fucking week. I was sent home, tears leaking from my eyes and utterly defeated with a glimmering of hope. See, she didn't close things off completely. She kept second guessing her decision. "I'm afraid you won't leave" one second and then the next "Please don't go!!! I want to work it out!!! Please stay!!!" to the next fuckin second "I'm sure you won't leave now but you need to go." Two weeks later I found out she was engaged. I was sick. That lasted about 16 hours. That's when Black Pearl hit me up. I don't know if she was lying or just whatever but her interest in me sparked a thirst for survival. I needed her in that moment and I will be forever grateful because I don't know how far I would have sunk without her. Her timing was impeccable.
The arrival of Black Pearl was the revival of positivity. I realized I was free from my struggle. I felt free. It was the best turn around I ever made after a break up. And this was promising to be my worst break up ever because...well...I never put so much energy into a woman prior to this. With my new found lease on life, it seemed like every day was getting brighter. There was the occasional set back but shit, it's life, it ain't about to be perfect. From December forward, I had to figure out who I had become. Up through February, I'd break out in random bouts of crying. Those bouts were few(I think 3 times overall and all tied to John Mayer's "slow dancing in a Burning Room" which seemed like the perfect summation of my experience). The other days were as if I had no issues. Then we get to April, May, June & July and the ex that nearly endangered my life by being insecure in her decision, decides she wants to contact me. I'm not here for it. I ignore her twice and admonish her once. I reinforce how the past is the past and I just want to move forward. It's clear she didn't give a damn. She did what she wanted. Cool.
But the last time she contacted me, it was under the guise of her needing my assistance in particular. Only problem is it was an old problem. Nothing new. One I had spoken on several hundred times prior. I patiently gave her very similar words and told her I couldn't give anything better than that unless she refined the difficulty to something precise. Meanwhile, she's alluding to how well she's doing and how nobody criticizes her anymore. This sounds like one of her 'super high level' manipulative apologies where she makes you feel bad for her actions. I've seen it too many times to not know the bitterness it leaves in my mouth. I ignore her jabs. I don't give a fuck. I'm merely trying to uphold my old school pledge to always show love to somebody I loved. I felt taken advantage of again. After the communication had ended I almost rescinded my pledge. But these moments are what set the stage for August.
Just five days after I interacted with her, August began. I wanted to get more serious about a job search and fixing a few of my vehicles. I haven't given much of a damn about that because I don't have high hopes for what I have qualifications. I don't really want to do that stuff anymore and my recent applications to grad school came back "Denied". It's my fault for being such a piss poor student. Really, it's amazing I made it this far. The only real effort I put in was in pleading to be allowed to continue. The educational system is horribly archaic. I don't know if I have ADD but it sure as hell feels like it because I have always struggled with anxiety when I sat down to do homework. Only subjects I did exceedingly well in were Biology, English, Certain Maths, & Philosophy. Anyway, before I get too distracted, August had me in its clutches and it decided it was going to smother me with ambiguous emotions. I didn't even notice that I was being swallowed alive. Luckily, Black Pearl popped out to save me again. She'll never know how much of a super hero she is to me. She says I'm the same for her...I believe it. She said her August was rough too. Makes sense to me. This month came with more craptacular developments than is necessary.
I'll tell you, I don't remember much of August. I poured myself into twitter and talking with as many women as I can. Women are the the primary encouraging forces in my life. Always amazing. Five days into August, a woman flips on me. I was correcting a horribly conflated inaccuracy. It was ignorant. I called it like I saw it. She got pissed and called me fakesmart. Clearly she held a lot of pride in the connection she had drawn. I don't really know if I could have taken it easier. She had her pride in the wrong place. Superficially supported by stating shit that cannot be corroborated by fact. There was simply no way to substantiate that bullshit. No reason to get mad behind. It should be harmless to be corrected there. Even harshly although I was gentle. I guess that part is up for debate but I used passive/suggestive language. So...yeah...she was just tired of being called dumb. She was dumb. But we all are. What you do from there is what matters. Anyway, I was enjoying her quite a bit prior to that. We played video games together sometimes. After that, I stopped playing video games again. I had to block her on every social media she crept her way on to. She was really cool at first but got crazed from her lack of confidence. It resonated the tones of August I already had bouncing around my head. I was disappointed. A week later, the Control verse from K.Dot hit the net. I THREW myself at that. It just didn't last long enough.
So, I turn back to women, slightly energized. I meet a real sweet heart. She has a great temperament. Doesn't get offended because I laugh at any and everything. She is sharp and understands my shit. This was virtually the only improvement in August. She is fun to talk with. Outside of that, my trying to work myself into a positively working person has been a large failure. The cycle I'm in has to be an addiction cycle. I keep giving myself relief. Not holding myself accountable. I changed my tweets to try and talk it in So, I'm back to feeling shitty about myself. Although, feeling shitty is probably not comparable to actually feeling shitty. It's more like acknowledging that I could do much better.
So, here we are, August. I've probably been called a faggot more times than ever in my entire life.But I was born in September so I'm expecting a much better month. If it is anything like August, I'll do my very best to get shoulder deep and work it all out. I'm not living another month of this shit. August was un fucking fun.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
5 questions
I have poured my emotion into this blog when it overflowed to the extent that tears threatened to flow forth. At times, I hide some aspects behind allusions to hide my shame. Other times, I am raw with the honesty. Often, I feel stupid and hideously so, at that. However, this is my journal.
I know I'll be judged. I know some of these emotions are scary. I know some people cannot respect what I do here. Really, that eventually became fine to me. As shy as I have been my entire life. My insecurity has been virtually limitless. From thinking my nose was too big to having unattractive women decline my advances to questioning the size of my manhood to question the inherent goodness of my black skinned soul. It ceases to be feelings of 'inadequacy in self' and transmogrifies itself as 'blame of others'.
No longer is it "I'm just not good enough." Suddenly, it is "They just don't like me." While that may be the reality, to put thoughts in such phrasing is emblematic of the same fundamental issues. Just another branch on the same tree. Operating from the same cracked foundation. Perhaps, that is growth but it is insufficient.
In the recent years, it has been the mission to tell it how I see it. Oddly, before that was the mission, it is the only way I knew. But disagreements make me sick to my stomach. I don't want to fuss, fight and exchange about things that won't change regardless of opinion. Politics, Religion...in fact, it's better to frame it as social beliefs. Those things make little sense to exchange on at this point. Ignorance reigns and always will.
Ever more importantly, to think about anything other than personal desires and the process by which those will be accomplished seems to be a poor application of one's desperately limited times. All of this thinking and feeling and learning, has become a distraction. Where do I want to be? What do I want to be? How do I want to live. Who do I want to live with? When, however, is obvious.
The time is now.
I know I'll be judged. I know some of these emotions are scary. I know some people cannot respect what I do here. Really, that eventually became fine to me. As shy as I have been my entire life. My insecurity has been virtually limitless. From thinking my nose was too big to having unattractive women decline my advances to questioning the size of my manhood to question the inherent goodness of my black skinned soul. It ceases to be feelings of 'inadequacy in self' and transmogrifies itself as 'blame of others'.
No longer is it "I'm just not good enough." Suddenly, it is "They just don't like me." While that may be the reality, to put thoughts in such phrasing is emblematic of the same fundamental issues. Just another branch on the same tree. Operating from the same cracked foundation. Perhaps, that is growth but it is insufficient.
In the recent years, it has been the mission to tell it how I see it. Oddly, before that was the mission, it is the only way I knew. But disagreements make me sick to my stomach. I don't want to fuss, fight and exchange about things that won't change regardless of opinion. Politics, Religion...in fact, it's better to frame it as social beliefs. Those things make little sense to exchange on at this point. Ignorance reigns and always will.
Ever more importantly, to think about anything other than personal desires and the process by which those will be accomplished seems to be a poor application of one's desperately limited times. All of this thinking and feeling and learning, has become a distraction. Where do I want to be? What do I want to be? How do I want to live. Who do I want to live with? When, however, is obvious.
The time is now.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
A thought on legacy
My mother has a house in the suburbs of a rural area of the northwest. Green is all around, all the time.
My father has a house in the suburbs of a metropolitan area of the southeast. Green is all around, all the time.
Regardless of whom I visit, my body is filled with warmth. Perhaps, a truth I take for granted.
When other families are fragmented by the cruel reality, I was blessed to have a family for even a limited time.
When other families are fragmented by the cruel reality, I was blessed to have a family for even a limited time.
There is no measure of gratitude for the small joys of life. And I bare my soul for family. Some say that's real. I think without regard to it. I do it selfishly; chasing growth and understanding. I want to pass it on just in case I manage to produce a child of my own. I want to give something greater than physical love and more meaningful to pursue.
Not to debase love, at all. I presume my love is granted.
I have a puppy. The way I dote over her makes me feel silly and hopelessly emotional. I purely cherish her and enjoy each interaction. The amount of protective demon that summons from within when she's in danger is uncanny because I made light of people who put the life of a dog before the life of a human. Now I do it. Silly me. I simply cannot resist. I mean, she's my family.
It's the existence. Unwilling to relinquish my claim, I fight for family; today, tomorrow, whenever necessary & to pass on the importance of protecting your own at all costs, all the time.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Too Many Times
I am currently living in the moment when a realization fundamentally changes the way you interact with others. I had hoped that this particular day would never come. Unfortunately, it was in my evolution. This way, fear seems like foreshadowing.
In the past, I have been a bit dramatic. The type that can keep a personal journal but refuses to do so for academics. Indulging in the emotional aspects instead of the incremental observations that require massive amounts of discipline. Even as I began blogging, nearly three years ago, I was an emotional ball of mess and hurt. I have had a fair amount of emotional turbulence and conflicting desires. At times, it was extremely easy to hoist the blame on the other involved parties. It was incredibly easy to point the finger but it was much more difficult to accept responsibility for purchasing a ticket to the very same disturbing "show" that inspired the complaints.
After a few years of that practice, it was becoming tedious to continue complaining as if the bulk of the responsibility went to someone else; as if I wasn't more responsible for my involvement. Feeling like being reasonable was the adjudicator of what must transpire, I operated on a false-faith of interaction, unknowingly leashing and limiting the behavioral responses. The path was set in my mind the way things would proceed. Comically, humans aren't so reliable. The woman I was with detested this practice of mine, secretly. She didn't know how to put it into words and I couldn't figure out why she was mad BECAUSE I WAS BEING REASONABLE. I never considered that my sanity would drive her insane. I digress.
Hindsight affords a certain level of retrospective focus that the moment cannot possibly sustain. The distance does help in every way. It is not impossible to be objective but experience is gaining information that was previously unavailable. Needless to say, if you're reading this, it is most likely that you know the situation I mentioned ended with heartbreak. That heartbreak was the red pill. Took a long time for the effect to get through to me but the idea is that it was one heartbreak too many for me.
An unavoidable truth has swooped down upon me, seized me within its claws and carried me away with its wings. From this height, the highest peaks are seemingly leagues beneath my feet. All of the mainstream socially reasonable reactionary tactics, that were my primary means of interaction, became immature child's play. It became clear that maturity wasn't in the mere practice of reasoning but in the application of curing the illnesses affecting communication. In that sense, being reasonable was counterproductive to resolving conflict.
Perhaps the logic is beginning to twist and distort but what is incomprehensible to one is an informative and fortuitous occurrence for another. Preparation is key to recognition of opportunity. And that's where all of this comes to a head. I have been touching fire, getting burned and not realizing that the pain is due my personal decisions. I now fully accept that. And I won't touch that fire again.
To be absolutely forthright, I cannot be sure how my interactions will manifest in the future. Every day seems to be a valuable chance for growth. I take the opportunity to push myself. And more so in knowing why and less of automaton-esque reasoning.
What I do know is, when a woman begins to wrap her fingers around my heart like the ever expanding grapevines expanding reach, I'll know to ignore that aspect of being wrapped in love and focus on hardening my resolve to being who I planned on being the entire time. No longer content to fit a mold or to be molded. My love has been broken too many times while doing it somebody else's way. I was the only one meant to lead from the beginning. And it is about time I let that ring true with my actions.
In the past, I have been a bit dramatic. The type that can keep a personal journal but refuses to do so for academics. Indulging in the emotional aspects instead of the incremental observations that require massive amounts of discipline. Even as I began blogging, nearly three years ago, I was an emotional ball of mess and hurt. I have had a fair amount of emotional turbulence and conflicting desires. At times, it was extremely easy to hoist the blame on the other involved parties. It was incredibly easy to point the finger but it was much more difficult to accept responsibility for purchasing a ticket to the very same disturbing "show" that inspired the complaints.
After a few years of that practice, it was becoming tedious to continue complaining as if the bulk of the responsibility went to someone else; as if I wasn't more responsible for my involvement. Feeling like being reasonable was the adjudicator of what must transpire, I operated on a false-faith of interaction, unknowingly leashing and limiting the behavioral responses. The path was set in my mind the way things would proceed. Comically, humans aren't so reliable. The woman I was with detested this practice of mine, secretly. She didn't know how to put it into words and I couldn't figure out why she was mad BECAUSE I WAS BEING REASONABLE. I never considered that my sanity would drive her insane. I digress.
Hindsight affords a certain level of retrospective focus that the moment cannot possibly sustain. The distance does help in every way. It is not impossible to be objective but experience is gaining information that was previously unavailable. Needless to say, if you're reading this, it is most likely that you know the situation I mentioned ended with heartbreak. That heartbreak was the red pill. Took a long time for the effect to get through to me but the idea is that it was one heartbreak too many for me.
An unavoidable truth has swooped down upon me, seized me within its claws and carried me away with its wings. From this height, the highest peaks are seemingly leagues beneath my feet. All of the mainstream socially reasonable reactionary tactics, that were my primary means of interaction, became immature child's play. It became clear that maturity wasn't in the mere practice of reasoning but in the application of curing the illnesses affecting communication. In that sense, being reasonable was counterproductive to resolving conflict.
Perhaps the logic is beginning to twist and distort but what is incomprehensible to one is an informative and fortuitous occurrence for another. Preparation is key to recognition of opportunity. And that's where all of this comes to a head. I have been touching fire, getting burned and not realizing that the pain is due my personal decisions. I now fully accept that. And I won't touch that fire again.
To be absolutely forthright, I cannot be sure how my interactions will manifest in the future. Every day seems to be a valuable chance for growth. I take the opportunity to push myself. And more so in knowing why and less of automaton-esque reasoning.
What I do know is, when a woman begins to wrap her fingers around my heart like the ever expanding grapevines expanding reach, I'll know to ignore that aspect of being wrapped in love and focus on hardening my resolve to being who I planned on being the entire time. No longer content to fit a mold or to be molded. My love has been broken too many times while doing it somebody else's way. I was the only one meant to lead from the beginning. And it is about time I let that ring true with my actions.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Had to be a reminder
I don't get along with insecure people. People who secretly worry about shit that doesn't matter and others couldn't barely care less for. I don't get along with these kinds of people. The kind of person that is worried about what others think of them. The kind of person who cannot be honest with themselves about how they feel. I always rub them the wrong way. How can you be so damn sensitive and call yourself mature? You better stay in the land of hand holding and warm milked cookies cause my mind is in a wilderness of harsh temperatures, inconsistent interaction and bitterly devoted nemeses. If you think you can survive in this world, you should certainly reconsider the moment you find yourself offended by a few superficial thoughts. Can't stand the heat...
It's not like it's about having the freedom to be rude and all others be damned. It is about honestly accepting honesty. It takes a great amount of experience to rise to such a magnanimous level(it's levels n'shit) as to hear an opinion of you and it not deter your convictions. Failing that is a weakness, make no mistakes. It is fine to be weak. It is fine to be an absolute worthless(in the eyes of society) individual. This is your life and you gotta live it like YOU want to live it. BUT how long are you going to pretend like your decision to get out of bed this morning belonged to anyone else except you?
You can wander through life indefinitely. Maybe the government can stop you. Maybe some rogue criminal element will put an end to your suffering. Maybe, you get over yourself and grow up. All I know is what I see and perceive. I'm sure the same goes for anyo....nevermind. I forgot people still believe the Bible was mysteriously written with divine inspirations. An antiquated, philosophically inadequate book of parables was the best "God" could do? Yeah, we'd be better not veering into the direction of the Bible but that people wholeheartedly believe in something so inane as being divinely authored is a bit, well, disorienting.
By all means, be who you want to be and believe what you want to believe. Find agony at another's estimations of who you are; find disappointment that the pretty girl that sits in front of you in art class doesn't like you back; find smart people as threatening and not inspiring. By all means, continue being a victim of your addiction to ignorance. I mean, it is your life after all. Spend your time how you see fit. Assholes like me are going to continue a personal journey through rhetoric, nuance, ridicule, allusion and everything else just to reach some mystical feeling of overcoming being born. Yes, that was sarcasm. Yes, I feel dirty using it. No, I don't regret using it. Yes, I'm telling you that I don't think much of who you have worked very hard to being. Forget reasoning or understanding or acceptance. I have been abandoned and cheated and attacked and damaged but I refused to remain as one who could be treated as such. You know who gets treated that way? People who limit themselves. People who don't shift between insecurity and confidence. People who aren't checked into reality. Those that refuse to wake up and smell the coffee. It's just another day in bliss for them. Life at the end of the string of addiction to shit that matters less than jobs.
But what matters more than a career? A job? Some form of exchange for money? What matters more than a Family? Love? Guess that depends on your values. On the society in which you were raised. Since I'm the one typing this up, I'll go ahead and share first.
The most important conviction I have is self preservation, growth & positivity. One concept that permeates everything I touch. As I hone that ability, everything else fades away. Fear and everything that comes with it, now lives in very specific situations. Oh my, how I've grown from the little black boy that clung to his mother's leg. As time passes, y'all should grow too. That's the least I want for you. But, as I said, it's your life and by all means, you should live it how you choose. Nobody else is culpable for your decisions but you. Even when your decisions are merely ultimatums. Even then, you get to choose.
If you cannot swallow that one truth, then I simply cannot entertain too many of your thoughts. More appropriately, I will not entertain your thoughts unless the way you live is courageous and you forge beyond the fairy tales into the ugly truth. I am simply not built for half-way crooks. And I am aggressively stealing all the light from life. I suggest you do the same. This is your reminder. All is fair in love and war.
It's not like it's about having the freedom to be rude and all others be damned. It is about honestly accepting honesty. It takes a great amount of experience to rise to such a magnanimous level(it's levels n'shit) as to hear an opinion of you and it not deter your convictions. Failing that is a weakness, make no mistakes. It is fine to be weak. It is fine to be an absolute worthless(in the eyes of society) individual. This is your life and you gotta live it like YOU want to live it. BUT how long are you going to pretend like your decision to get out of bed this morning belonged to anyone else except you?
You can wander through life indefinitely. Maybe the government can stop you. Maybe some rogue criminal element will put an end to your suffering. Maybe, you get over yourself and grow up. All I know is what I see and perceive. I'm sure the same goes for anyo....nevermind. I forgot people still believe the Bible was mysteriously written with divine inspirations. An antiquated, philosophically inadequate book of parables was the best "God" could do? Yeah, we'd be better not veering into the direction of the Bible but that people wholeheartedly believe in something so inane as being divinely authored is a bit, well, disorienting.
By all means, be who you want to be and believe what you want to believe. Find agony at another's estimations of who you are; find disappointment that the pretty girl that sits in front of you in art class doesn't like you back; find smart people as threatening and not inspiring. By all means, continue being a victim of your addiction to ignorance. I mean, it is your life after all. Spend your time how you see fit. Assholes like me are going to continue a personal journey through rhetoric, nuance, ridicule, allusion and everything else just to reach some mystical feeling of overcoming being born. Yes, that was sarcasm. Yes, I feel dirty using it. No, I don't regret using it. Yes, I'm telling you that I don't think much of who you have worked very hard to being. Forget reasoning or understanding or acceptance. I have been abandoned and cheated and attacked and damaged but I refused to remain as one who could be treated as such. You know who gets treated that way? People who limit themselves. People who don't shift between insecurity and confidence. People who aren't checked into reality. Those that refuse to wake up and smell the coffee. It's just another day in bliss for them. Life at the end of the string of addiction to shit that matters less than jobs.
But what matters more than a career? A job? Some form of exchange for money? What matters more than a Family? Love? Guess that depends on your values. On the society in which you were raised. Since I'm the one typing this up, I'll go ahead and share first.
The most important conviction I have is self preservation, growth & positivity. One concept that permeates everything I touch. As I hone that ability, everything else fades away. Fear and everything that comes with it, now lives in very specific situations. Oh my, how I've grown from the little black boy that clung to his mother's leg. As time passes, y'all should grow too. That's the least I want for you. But, as I said, it's your life and by all means, you should live it how you choose. Nobody else is culpable for your decisions but you. Even when your decisions are merely ultimatums. Even then, you get to choose.
If you cannot swallow that one truth, then I simply cannot entertain too many of your thoughts. More appropriately, I will not entertain your thoughts unless the way you live is courageous and you forge beyond the fairy tales into the ugly truth. I am simply not built for half-way crooks. And I am aggressively stealing all the light from life. I suggest you do the same. This is your reminder. All is fair in love and war.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Ode to the Gamer Girl
A sly, tongue-in-cheek, reference to the practice of making a form of competitive catharsis of smashing the buttons on a controller at the same time and in opposition to another person. Let that sink in for just a moment.
Incredibly, skill has developed over the long periods of times and the memories form experience that she can wear like a pair of gloves.
Tingling tips of the fingers, dancing with excitement while the mind is utterly indulged with taking conquest from the lips of another as if it were the food their ego craves.
Some refer to video games as brainless, mindless, zombie making machines. She must see it in many ways and nothing so malicious. As a relief and an escape; as a bullet proof vest from the stress. It is the form of mental alcohol that takes a person and makes them drunk with adventure into the imagination land of a group of others. What they created and the potential for enjoyment they share.
The gamer girl, a growing portion of the community. Once so very rare there was nothing but immunity for one wearing the moniker but now, they are vetted and their losses are completely apathetic. They get boasted over and bragged upon as if she were one of the guys. It is a way to equality hidden in a past time as if it were a disguise.
Doing her part to move society forward, silently and alone in the dark.
Incredibly, skill has developed over the long periods of times and the memories form experience that she can wear like a pair of gloves.
Tingling tips of the fingers, dancing with excitement while the mind is utterly indulged with taking conquest from the lips of another as if it were the food their ego craves.
Some refer to video games as brainless, mindless, zombie making machines. She must see it in many ways and nothing so malicious. As a relief and an escape; as a bullet proof vest from the stress. It is the form of mental alcohol that takes a person and makes them drunk with adventure into the imagination land of a group of others. What they created and the potential for enjoyment they share.
The gamer girl, a growing portion of the community. Once so very rare there was nothing but immunity for one wearing the moniker but now, they are vetted and their losses are completely apathetic. They get boasted over and bragged upon as if she were one of the guys. It is a way to equality hidden in a past time as if it were a disguise.
Doing her part to move society forward, silently and alone in the dark.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Breakin' Loose
Years ago when I was a better man, before a light skinned woman came flying off the top rope onto my heart, I had hustle and grind and determination. Now, it's like I'm lost and trapped in my head. Even still there have been tremendous moments for my rehabilitation back into society.
I don't really blame youngin' because she was just working her options. It wreaked havoc on my living situations, being with her. However, the skills I gained from challenging myself have proven invaluable. My interviews are better, more people seek me out and more people see great worth in who I am. Would they have prior to my lessons in hardship? Most likely not. I only changed because there was no recourse. I was held handsome...err...wow...I meant ransom. Look, this is no knock on her. She doesn't become a bad person because we didn't get along. She won't understand that but that also doesn't make her any less.
It seemed as if my life was merely plummeting into the dumps and extremely rapidly. I saw plenty of signs and ignored every single one of them. Each sign came back to bite me in the ass by becoming true. Don't leave someone for another because it will happen to you. It sure as hell did. The same way too. But none of this is bothering me; I feel like it helps me to establish and assist in making my point.
Immediately after our parting, my world was nothing but darkness and sadness and helplessness and hurt. Then glimmers of hope came shining through. It was from that motivation that I decided I couldn't spend time being love sick. I really had to bring my hope to reality. It was a heavier task than I anticipated. If I had a physical reason, the act of atoning would have been a much easier burden to bear. My reason was mental; emotional. There were no distractions. I don't know what people call thinking but my perception of it is when you focus on a thought or a topic and walk through it as if it were scenery. I don't do that. It's like limitless televisions going in my head. Well, at times. Sometimes I can force myself to think. Most times, things simply come on their own as if someone else were beckoning them. It only tore my heart to have a new love enter the fray; Enter the gray. And it is a special love. I was curious with how to feel about a connection this strong built through a mini-blogging website. I have grown to accept the relationship. Of one phone call every random month or so. Her mind is impossible to not love.
With all of the great things I know about myself, I haven't found a single reason why anybody would want to be my friend outside of how consistently "me" I am. I'm cerebral. I find satisfaction in thinking. Doing things is cool too but just doesn't hold the same...well...somethings. Look, anytime you are thinking a lot(or whatever it is I do) you are likely to get depressed. Perhaps, that's why I developed a thought process that does not need to operate consciously. I do feel completely propelled by my subconscious. I know how peculiar that sounds but half of the thoughts concerning this topic I can't quite distinguish from the anything else. It's all "Cheeseburg---I don't th----bounc----po----tig----random concluding point!" This thought process makes recall a very difficult thing. I'm horrible with quotes.
And still, I wanted to climb out of my lackadaisical disposition and become the super baller and live life so much better than I was and make the woman that left me remember how great and kind and awesome I was so she could, if even for a fraction of a split second, feel remorse for hurting me the way she did. To feel the depth of sorrow that she inflicted on me. Had there not been a woman to follow in her footsteps and put her healing hand on my heart; had there not been many people to care for me and love on me, I would have absolutely crumbled. I put everything I had to give and more things that I did not have to give, into my effort with her. Sometimes, I wish I could be petty and bitter and angry but those things don't get people anywhere. Ruthlessness, determination and hard work do.
No matter how much the new woman loved/loves me, she always had a life and I was purely contented with her caring enough to say the words she said. Perfect timing. I may have been looking for a reason to continue fighting but without all of the coincidences, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am. The unapologetic, unwilling to lie about finances and unafraid to admit where I fall short. I'm still over-confident. I still think I'm as handsome and as intelligent as an individual can be. Whatever that is supposed to mean. I'm trying to learn to take my time and do everything right the first time through. I've repeated so many trials, time and time again. My skills don't even compute naturally because I'm just a simple "reader", I'm not long on the ability to convince anyone to do what I desire.
Even still, my paths are some what limited by my skills. For me to break free of who I have been post breakup, I need to cut ties with what is keeping me from growing bigger than my cage. Is it the woman who I've grown so intensely fond of? Is it my inability to keep faithful to my plans? Have I simply burned myself out on trying to achieve since I failed so miserably? All of these questions and the only answer I have for it is, "stop thinking and simply do."
And I know where to start. I guess they don't say blood sweat and tears for nothing. Guess I'm gonna get to it.
Just in case you came here seeking an homage to an 80's movie, I apologize for your disappointment.
I don't really blame youngin' because she was just working her options. It wreaked havoc on my living situations, being with her. However, the skills I gained from challenging myself have proven invaluable. My interviews are better, more people seek me out and more people see great worth in who I am. Would they have prior to my lessons in hardship? Most likely not. I only changed because there was no recourse. I was held handsome...err...wow...I meant ransom. Look, this is no knock on her. She doesn't become a bad person because we didn't get along. She won't understand that but that also doesn't make her any less.
It seemed as if my life was merely plummeting into the dumps and extremely rapidly. I saw plenty of signs and ignored every single one of them. Each sign came back to bite me in the ass by becoming true. Don't leave someone for another because it will happen to you. It sure as hell did. The same way too. But none of this is bothering me; I feel like it helps me to establish and assist in making my point.
Immediately after our parting, my world was nothing but darkness and sadness and helplessness and hurt. Then glimmers of hope came shining through. It was from that motivation that I decided I couldn't spend time being love sick. I really had to bring my hope to reality. It was a heavier task than I anticipated. If I had a physical reason, the act of atoning would have been a much easier burden to bear. My reason was mental; emotional. There were no distractions. I don't know what people call thinking but my perception of it is when you focus on a thought or a topic and walk through it as if it were scenery. I don't do that. It's like limitless televisions going in my head. Well, at times. Sometimes I can force myself to think. Most times, things simply come on their own as if someone else were beckoning them. It only tore my heart to have a new love enter the fray; Enter the gray. And it is a special love. I was curious with how to feel about a connection this strong built through a mini-blogging website. I have grown to accept the relationship. Of one phone call every random month or so. Her mind is impossible to not love.
With all of the great things I know about myself, I haven't found a single reason why anybody would want to be my friend outside of how consistently "me" I am. I'm cerebral. I find satisfaction in thinking. Doing things is cool too but just doesn't hold the same...well...somethings. Look, anytime you are thinking a lot(or whatever it is I do) you are likely to get depressed. Perhaps, that's why I developed a thought process that does not need to operate consciously. I do feel completely propelled by my subconscious. I know how peculiar that sounds but half of the thoughts concerning this topic I can't quite distinguish from the anything else. It's all "Cheeseburg---I don't th----bounc----po----tig----random concluding point!" This thought process makes recall a very difficult thing. I'm horrible with quotes.
And still, I wanted to climb out of my lackadaisical disposition and become the super baller and live life so much better than I was and make the woman that left me remember how great and kind and awesome I was so she could, if even for a fraction of a split second, feel remorse for hurting me the way she did. To feel the depth of sorrow that she inflicted on me. Had there not been a woman to follow in her footsteps and put her healing hand on my heart; had there not been many people to care for me and love on me, I would have absolutely crumbled. I put everything I had to give and more things that I did not have to give, into my effort with her. Sometimes, I wish I could be petty and bitter and angry but those things don't get people anywhere. Ruthlessness, determination and hard work do.
No matter how much the new woman loved/loves me, she always had a life and I was purely contented with her caring enough to say the words she said. Perfect timing. I may have been looking for a reason to continue fighting but without all of the coincidences, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am. The unapologetic, unwilling to lie about finances and unafraid to admit where I fall short. I'm still over-confident. I still think I'm as handsome and as intelligent as an individual can be. Whatever that is supposed to mean. I'm trying to learn to take my time and do everything right the first time through. I've repeated so many trials, time and time again. My skills don't even compute naturally because I'm just a simple "reader", I'm not long on the ability to convince anyone to do what I desire.
Even still, my paths are some what limited by my skills. For me to break free of who I have been post breakup, I need to cut ties with what is keeping me from growing bigger than my cage. Is it the woman who I've grown so intensely fond of? Is it my inability to keep faithful to my plans? Have I simply burned myself out on trying to achieve since I failed so miserably? All of these questions and the only answer I have for it is, "stop thinking and simply do."
And I know where to start. I guess they don't say blood sweat and tears for nothing. Guess I'm gonna get to it.
Just in case you came here seeking an homage to an 80's movie, I apologize for your disappointment.
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