Years ago when I was a better man, before a light skinned woman came flying off the top rope onto my heart, I had hustle and grind and determination. Now, it's like I'm lost and trapped in my head. Even still there have been tremendous moments for my rehabilitation back into society.
I don't really blame youngin' because she was just working her options. It wreaked havoc on my living situations, being with her. However, the skills I gained from challenging myself have proven invaluable. My interviews are better, more people seek me out and more people see great worth in who I am. Would they have prior to my lessons in hardship? Most likely not. I only changed because there was no recourse. I was held handsome...err...wow...I meant ransom. Look, this is no knock on her. She doesn't become a bad person because we didn't get along. She won't understand that but that also doesn't make her any less.
It seemed as if my life was merely plummeting into the dumps and extremely rapidly. I saw plenty of signs and ignored every single one of them. Each sign came back to bite me in the ass by becoming true. Don't leave someone for another because it will happen to you. It sure as hell did. The same way too. But none of this is bothering me; I feel like it helps me to establish and assist in making my point.
Immediately after our parting, my world was nothing but darkness and sadness and helplessness and hurt. Then glimmers of hope came shining through. It was from that motivation that I decided I couldn't spend time being love sick. I really had to bring my hope to reality. It was a heavier task than I anticipated. If I had a physical reason, the act of atoning would have been a much easier burden to bear. My reason was mental; emotional. There were no distractions. I don't know what people call thinking but my perception of it is when you focus on a thought or a topic and walk through it as if it were scenery. I don't do that. It's like limitless televisions going in my head. Well, at times. Sometimes I can force myself to think. Most times, things simply come on their own as if someone else were beckoning them. It only tore my heart to have a new love enter the fray; Enter the gray. And it is a special love. I was curious with how to feel about a connection this strong built through a mini-blogging website. I have grown to accept the relationship. Of one phone call every random month or so. Her mind is impossible to not love.
With all of the great things I know about myself, I haven't found a single reason why anybody would want to be my friend outside of how consistently "me" I am. I'm cerebral. I find satisfaction in thinking. Doing things is cool too but just doesn't hold the same...well...somethings. Look, anytime you are thinking a lot(or whatever it is I do) you are likely to get depressed. Perhaps, that's why I developed a thought process that does not need to operate consciously. I do feel completely propelled by my subconscious. I know how peculiar that sounds but half of the thoughts concerning this topic I can't quite distinguish from the anything else. It's all "Cheeseburg---I don't th----bounc----po----tig----random concluding point!" This thought process makes recall a very difficult thing. I'm horrible with quotes.
And still, I wanted to climb out of my lackadaisical disposition and become the super baller and live life so much better than I was and make the woman that left me remember how great and kind and awesome I was so she could, if even for a fraction of a split second, feel remorse for hurting me the way she did. To feel the depth of sorrow that she inflicted on me. Had there not been a woman to follow in her footsteps and put her healing hand on my heart; had there not been many people to care for me and love on me, I would have absolutely crumbled. I put everything I had to give and more things that I did not have to give, into my effort with her. Sometimes, I wish I could be petty and bitter and angry but those things don't get people anywhere. Ruthlessness, determination and hard work do.
No matter how much the new woman loved/loves me, she always had a life and I was purely contented with her caring enough to say the words she said. Perfect timing. I may have been looking for a reason to continue fighting but without all of the coincidences, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am. The unapologetic, unwilling to lie about finances and unafraid to admit where I fall short. I'm still over-confident. I still think I'm as handsome and as intelligent as an individual can be. Whatever that is supposed to mean. I'm trying to learn to take my time and do everything right the first time through. I've repeated so many trials, time and time again. My skills don't even compute naturally because I'm just a simple "reader", I'm not long on the ability to convince anyone to do what I desire.
Even still, my paths are some what limited by my skills. For me to break free of who I have been post breakup, I need to cut ties with what is keeping me from growing bigger than my cage. Is it the woman who I've grown so intensely fond of? Is it my inability to keep faithful to my plans? Have I simply burned myself out on trying to achieve since I failed so miserably? All of these questions and the only answer I have for it is, "stop thinking and simply do."
And I know where to start. I guess they don't say blood sweat and tears for nothing. Guess I'm gonna get to it.
Just in case you came here seeking an homage to an 80's movie, I apologize for your disappointment.
No comments:
Post a Comment