Faking Happy Faces

Ain't really feeling like I'm beyond any scope of intellectual lengths. Matter of fact, right now (at this very moment) I feel like what I know and see, believe and perceive, I feel like that couldn't be any further from reality. That somehow my fairy tales have overcome my every sense. I feel lost to my devices. The fortunate thing about that is that I was always lost to my devices...so no big change aside the now apparent harsh feeling of not gliding about the cushion of cloud 9 that was previously beneath each stride. This emptiness hurts more than any pain. It is very weird. I smile but the happiness is like putting a square peg into a round hole and the feeling is not fulfilling.

I want to take you back in time to my child hood when I began to develop my understanding of the World around. Fortunately, I have a very limited recollection of the significant factors. Also, I don't quite have the urge to dig so passionately into who or what I am because of where I'm from.

Right now, every action feels hollow. My ego is on the creep. My machismo is minimal. My courage is shallow as a low-tide on a beach. My energy feels like it got ginzu'd then pureed then digested and passed through. I feel like less of a man...less of a human being and less of an entity.

Sex would be good but it wouldn't help me feel better. I hate sticking it to random chicks. I like to move with lust or love or whatever we think it makes a difference to call an attraction that is deeper than the moment and stronger than bone.
Success would be awesome but for some reason, every success is hollowed when I peer to my side and realize that I am alone. All the gold and accomplishments in the World don't mean a thing to me. I guess, right now, I'm reniggering on my position of self-sacrifice without complaint. Oh well. I've always been a mouth piece.
Stability and being inundated on a full scale would change my short term coping mechanisms but it would not change the overall fact that nothing is more disappointing than the place I am now: an area full of shades of gray.
Until I find the rays of the Sun. Until I realize what I have and what I'm missing by sulking behind the facade of happy faces, I'm just going to continue with the faux flip-flopped frowns to keep the real life version of me to myself. Online I can go 1000% in and nobody cares or could care less. Not to mention ain't crap they could do even if they did care.

I just wonder how much of the rest of you all are faking happy faces. I wonder who is actually really happy in this craptacular world where the people who should suffer don't really seem to suffer. I want to know that bad people suffer and good people are rewarded. I want to know that the Wallstreet bankers that arrogantly threw caution to the wind and pissed away so many countless futures and securities recklessly will be punished...here, on Earth.
I know that isn't how it works, I just wish it was. Even if I were a bad person, I would want the same thing. My thoughts on love aren't demented by what I think is acceptable but what I think about the way things should be. If I am corrupted attempting to adapt then so be it and punish me all the same. But only God can judge me.