I have a few words to say about this last week of my life: cute; absurd; WHY?
Where to begin? Of course, the beginning seems like the best part chronologically, unless there is something that retroactively needs some explainin'.
At the beginning of the week, I felt low and insignificant. I felt like the sum total of all the knowledge that I've scrounged the Earth for was less than meaningless and that my purpose was even less meaningful.
I'm not the type of person to draw a line in the sand and swear that my personal life is only able to be comprehended by myself, though it saves and limits the drama in relationships, that view is childish. I am the type to be as honest about the interactions as I can express through word. I desire to become a greater person day by day and I refuse to acquiesce to difficulty or some deformed sense of normality. I want to genuinely be a better person. I will use every tool that is available to me as a means of cultivation for growth. Do you follow?
I'm not truly concerned with how other people judge me since I know that they are in fact no better and no less deviant. More to the point, if they feel the need to judge me, it merely highlights their lack of awareness of self AND a lack of true maturity. Additionaly this illustrates the presence of a facade employed merely to keep others at a distance because individual fear is ruling them. This may sound a bit convoluted or even sycophantic-ally contrived but the roots of the tree with this branch of thought is no different than the roots of science in any form. It can be reproduced and it is reproduced on a grand scale. (More on that in a future post.)
Anyways, this grand tangent is only here for the purpose of saying, I don't shy from any truth and I work hard to improve my grasps on the truths of this World we breathe. Even while dealing with the most intimate and emotionally guarded parts of my life.
Back to the regularly scheduled blog post: I'm somewhat of a gym rat. I'm on a mission to put on the size and weight that I've so long wanted and worked for. This particular Thursday night(thats right, I said crazy week and started with Thursday...you know its gonna be some mess.) I'm walking through my normal routine in the gym, wearing a shirt that I hadn't seen in a while but remembered why I liked it so much, it was a comfortable skin tight muscle shirt. I notice this red skinned white guy eyeing me something unreasonable. I immediately feel discomfort and question his motives for staring at me with such a prolonged glance. I simply move to another station as to avoid further contact...but...he moved too. I hurry through my set and move again...but...he moved too. This process would have continued if I hadn't had enough of that and mixed up my work out to a completely different area of emphasis. Unfortunately, I picked my most challenging exercise and needed a water break. Apparently, that was all he needed to find me and attempt a conversation. He kept talking about his junk, subtly sliding it into the conversation. I'm heavily annoyed at the idea that this guy thinks I actually want this kind of attention. I'm not very keen on the idea of friendship with white men(despite two of my closest friends being white men). Anyways, at this point, I decide not to push my luck and have him continue to puppy dog me around the gym. I go to leave but so does he. I'm attempting to avoid embarrassing him, I'm just not so ruthless in my direct refusal to be complicit in gay mess. I was raised to be considerate regardless of what other people were doing. I find some beautiful women I previously met and strike up a conversation to increase the time gap between the time he leaves and the time I leave. I'd rather not have to show my gangster on such a poor & misguided soul. It works and cautiously I scan the parking lot before I head for the car...I'm not the type to get snuck while minding my business. I'm determined to see you who want to harm me coming. Crisis averted, the night continues on.
I head to my previously mentioned white friends' house(they live together) and with one of them we head out to my favorite spot in this town of which I currently reside. No problems, not a single one. Of course until I decide to head home. Then some random cop, that I had been watching, pulls me over, claims I was not only swerving but drunk and initiates the dui testing on me. Mind you, I hadn't but one drink two hours before and wasn't even slightly buzzed at any point. I might as well had imbibed Kool-Aid. Anyways, ten minutes later I'm heading home, annoyed and disgruntled the from the retardation that was that day.
I wish this week stopped there.
I get a lot of phone calls this next 24hrs, from people I would love to hear from more often, from people I cannot stand, from people that just want to know I am doing well. I feel blessed, I feel loved and I appreciated all of that attention. I also had a conversation with an ol' college acquaintance that just so happens to be on the fence between liking sexual encounters with the same and sexual encounters with the different. And there is just too much honesty being shared towards me. I can appreciate what the ability to share must have felt like for that individual, it just didn't brighten my day any. Quite a few awkward questions. Grrr. But I care so I just encouraged that person's individuality and support for them from my perspective as well. Though I don't believe in what they are doing, I understand the science behind it and I agree that they should have the choice. Keeping the Government out my bedroom starts with keeping them out of yours, whoever you are.
Yowling cats, barking dogs, crying babies, cut off lights, over due payments, creditors and bill collectors all spill into the normal rigmarole of life. I go out to a favorite spot again Friday night. I'm sitting next to two white girls who are being hit on by all variety of weird white guys. The white girls do not appreciate the attention and they appear very uncomfortable. I save them with questions and conversation and jokes. They appreciate it. They wanted to leave but the amount of cops waiting outside the place was absurd. Perhaps there were a few fights but that isn't my crowd and I wouldn't know. Anyhow, another random white guy comes up, attempting to talk to them and there would be no problem but he interrupts me while I'm speaking. I step away and let him try his hand. They shoot him down. They ask me to return. As I do, I'm there another ten minutes and here comes this same random white guy with the same craptacular approach. Interruptions are not cute and the girls didn't appreciate that, they beg me back again. Suddenly, I hear this guy threaten my life behind my back. I look at him, taking note of his posture and energy...he is not a threat to me. When people wear their emotions on their sleeves, they showcase their ability. He could not best me in any way. I continue shielding these random white girls from pure idiocracy while enjoying the simple conversation we had about our rival schools. The bar closes I walk them out to their cars which is ironically two cars away from mine and we part ways. I travel home without interruption. Phew. Or so I thought. Saturday, I awake to the sound of phone calls and the information that my niece(who recently graduated) was having a party in a park. On my way there, I was pulled over by a cop who wanted to let me know that my brake light was out despite the mid-day lighting. This was of course after bitterly following me for three miles. The picnic was fine but while I was there apparently my grasp on science offended an elderly gent who put religion on a higher pedestal and that alone wouldn't be a problem except he argued against science like it mattered while encouraging people to study science via education like it was different than the science he argued against. An old fool if you will. When you devise answers of your consciousness and determine that they are worth more than the flame is worth to the moth, you have lost your bead on reality. Let me explain. He viewed science as a degradation of mankind's thoughts. Science = flame. Student of science = moth. Now we all know that a moth will fly into the flame without regard for self yet he is arguing against a nonsensical addiction while using his addiction as a rule. Which in and of itself is interesting but in the depravity of self-import, he becomes a false prophet. This kind of prophet does not lead sheep for any other reason than the glory of the name, than the acclaim and the fame. Pyramids...smh.
After touching bases with my mother, a friend(the other white guy of the previously mentioned two) invites me out for drinks and to catch-up and I intend to oblige. En route, a car decides that it will make an impromtu left turn while I have the right-of-way and if it were not for my ability to navigate the most effective way to avoid collision, we both surely would have been injured. It was an epic dodge to say the least. I'm glad the car I was in had no ABS and I could make it skid because I need the car to break traction in order to avoid the imminence of convergence. I perpetuated the buffer and continued towards my destiny. Upon arrival the World was no longer in a state of upheaval and all was settling back into normalcy. My friend and I visited J-n-B and while pulling up to the voice box we could faintly discern a somehow eerily sang "Yummy yummy yummy, what food would you like for your tummy?" Somehow, I see this as a fitting end to the ridiculously and emotionally challenging situations of "Superbad" level awkwardness. Which, only increased my feeling of positivity about self. There was much more that happened but I realize that some things do need a more involved and personal audience because it does not reflect bad on me, as much as it does the other people involved. Of course, I didn't think about that until after I typed everything except the last two sentences. Oh well.
Let there be Light.
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