INSIDE JOKES

Aren't we all? I mean, aren't we all inside jokes that we secretly only want those whom are special to us to understand. A sense of urgent privacy and perimeter.

I have loved relentlessly, openly and heavily. I have overwhelmed and unintentionally diminished my loves because of the amount that I care about them and whether it was understood or not, appreciated or not. I always set loose my entire heart upon my desires so that they would know just how much I cared. Oddly enough, they get the opposite impression. Somewhat confusing but I understand that things cannot just be run at full throttle and expect to be maintained without some form of damage. Even race cars are rebuilt after every race. Torn down and built up to be well maintained and well performing. My mentality seems to be the only that I've noticed can handle anything resembling such a process. I believe this to be one of my many "flaws" because it removes me from the mainstream. Most people simply avoid issues, fabricate their understandings and incompatibilities.
Here I am, doing my best to stand up and stand out due the nature of my virtue and not simply by my virtue alone. I respect my perspective but now I feel that I've gone astray simply based on the idea of self worth because I don't feel worthy.
By this, I look to my peers and I don't see any of them that actually feel worthy. Doubt written all over their faces, lost in despair but holding on to a mere strand of faithfulness with all of their hearts fight, will and desire. It is disgusting to me because I have more strands but less of despair and that means I don't try to hold on as hard. Which is all good and well but when I find myself losing grip on my dreams I fall with a different velocity. This is my arrogance. This is me working with a feverish pace in the opposite direction of society and greed and selfishness.

To this point, I have begun to see my actions as infantile yet strong; deeply introspective yet shallow and insecure. Mentally, breaking at the yield of a growing despair of loneliness. Though, with all despair there is a hope. Unfortunately, my hope is the only reason I've ever despaired. Lately, I've never had more hope as to not being alone and lonely. I met the most miraculous woman ever and she tore my world up in as many ways as she planted seeds to nurture its growth. But in order to induce growth into the grounds, you must first rend it upon itself. Frustration from fatigue.

Looking back, there never was a valid reason to question her. She let me know how she felt up front and did not lie to me about anything yet I came to doubt her. As I shared this she didn't seem to catch the doubt but clearly took it personally. As I come to realize that she would walk away from me I needed a shoulder to console me in my pain. She was the perfection I was always looking for. Ever since I was a youngster, it was her mentality, her outlook, her personality and appeal...she is perfection. Though, my doubt has done more to tear my love from my grasp than any man could ever do.  This brings me back to the thought that somehow I had avoided the mainstream strand theory(see that?).  Which clearly, whether I had or hadn't the feeling that I lost the one thing my entire existence was searching for brought me to such an extreme. My passionate heart reacted violently. I wanted vengeance for bringing me upon the precipice of my death. The only thing that yanked me from the illogical depths of jumping upward into the sky for the end of a self-imposed misery was what sent me there in the first place; love. Though, this is a much different and debilitating love. A selfish love that would hope to prevent the ones I love any avoidable pain. My will to live is written on their hearts.

I struggled with whether to antagonize or admonish the focal point of all of my attentions. Despite repeatedly illustrating her infinite of affinity for my individual, I somehow relate that the only way for her to truly show that she cares for me is by spending the bulk of her fleeting moments of freedom/free time conversing with me about nothing. Yes, insecure. Shouldn't I be? Sure, I'm smarter than that, better trained than that and I could diagnose it in seconds upon meeting someone else. What can I say? The ego protects itself.
I truly don't just find myself convinced by her salesmanship for her brand, I don't just feel alienated because I don't see her ever or get to spend any time with her at all, I don't simply get frustrated because the bulk of our conversations go places I wish they would never go but it all seems uncontrollable and I do what I can but sometimes she is incorrigibly determined(yes, I mean it).

Though, she doesn't know that I love everything I complain to her about, what extent of better person is she not looking to reach? Which is my only goal, to help her in every way possible to become who she wants to be. Though, I think I'm realizing that she really only wants to be cast in the role she has always played. It makes her who she is. I get it. I'm just obsessed with growth that matters to the individual and not society.
 The only thing notable to say about our friendship is that she and I have the very same communication issues that every other relationship I've ever heard of has had; women say what they think they mean and men believe in them 100%. Men say what they mean but women take it to some unreasonably connected yet surprisingly intelligent parallel. Though, I would like to note that the worst our arguments have ever been are a few acerbic words she has thrown my way, I do not throw acerbic words out there but I am absolutely sure that she has been horribly offended by the way I've said something, or by something I've said(and sees it how I see what she says...acerbically). I wouldn't know even if she told me.

I still hang on her every word, love her to the limits of my soul and think about her to the point that I forget my name, age and what language I speak. I lose all urge for sexual gratification if I could just hear her voice and all these things may never be expressed and she may never know but along the long length of time and perspective, my deeply poetic attraction and commitment to her is ultimately just another in a series of INSIDE JOKES.

And whether it matters to her or not, that exes should never be drugded forth as proof of a positive or negative and that doing so is akin to force feeding a healthy, independent adult a sustenance rather undesired. Forgiveness however is all I can hope to help(both ways). I'm hopelessly lost in her potential; in who she is now and all that I've taught myself in dealing with her as compared to any other human being I've dealt with. And she isn't even doing anything :-).

Anyways, I would ask that you take a harsh look at yourself and dig out your wrongs and see what you've learned from them, from the fights and disagreements that you've had and from the times you were clearly justified in feeling the way you did. See if you too are chock full of cruel inside jokes.

its all love
infinite affinities to all (even my enemies but you are still my enemies :-)