I'm weary. It isn't from a work schedule cause I'm bumming it. It isn't from a hectic home keeping schedule cause I ain't really shit right now. I'm in a very weird place and I'm not even talking with the best friends. The oldest friends. The wisest friends. Just dolo. Technically, I don't have a best friend. Never did. Just not that kind of person. I never really fit in. People say I'm weird. I've actively tried to fit in. Shit just don't work. And every so often, I'm reminded just how far out of the flock I reside. The shit is like innumerable insects eroding your existence bite by bite. Eventually, it just comes to a point where respite is required.
Whatever I was formerly, I am no longer. I keep clinging to my victories from yesteryear as if I can claim the current me shared those convictions. The leopard changed his spots. Could be lost the old spots. Could be forgot to grow new spots. Could just simply be lost. The most I've ever owned and the most lost I've ever felt. Heartless. I don't have the passion of possession nor the pain of loss. Can't even claim to be numb. It's all just sort of devoid of strong feelings. Almost no feeling. Life has no spice. This puppy is super smart. She learns commands fairly easily and comprehends the intent of communicated words. She is stubborn. She is determined. She is not very patient. She likes to pick on dogs smaller than herself. She is now four and a half months old. She is 60 pounds heavy. Puppy is overly communicative. Translation(-euphemism): she is constantly whining.
With that drain of watching over this pet while trying to recover a sociable mentality, just put a strain on the give a fuck part of me.Oddly, I give less of a fuck. I need to get people out of my life. They make stupid decisions that lead them to unhappiness and are somehow dragging me down with them. I'm tossing my hands in the air pretty soon. Stress, anxiety, peer pressure & a litany of other things are weighing heavy on the psyche. How did I let myself get to this point where at 30, I am dependent on another for my daily bread? This shit is tough. I was more independent at 19. I was more independent at 23. I was more independent at 27. The last year and a half, my world has been slowly rolling downhill.
There was a woman who came in and ruined my happiness. It wasn't a perfect happiness. There was a lot of frustration and the woman pretended to have the answers. Before I knew it, I was working to make something perfect again. Like an addiction. Where that first hit is the best high you've ever had and you chase it every time after that. It was never like the first time. Shit. The first time wasn't like the first time I remember. The lower I fell, the worse I feel about myself. The worse I feel about myself, the more I fight it; the more I throw myself into online life. Which is weird because sitting still all day isn't me. But I didn't seek out alternatives. The options died with the desire for options.
It's not like I'm blaming her for being herself. Carmen(<---fake name in homage to the opera) was chasing happiness. I made my decisions. Those decisions worked out to be horrible gambles. I lost that bet. It could have been the best thing that ever happened to me. My head is still confused, trying to determine whether I wanted to be there because I wanted her or if it was because I just convicted myself to my decisions. I don't know anymore. I gave up virtually everything that anchored to who I was. If life is an ocean, all of that shit floated away. It's gone and I can't get it back. And I don't want it back. I just want to keep moving forward and I felt like I was moving forward but this is akin to being lost in a dense forest. A forest where you can't see the sky and there is no discernible landmark to denote progress. Just pushing in one direction in the hopes that you remain straight. Pushing oblivious of the landscape. I keep the journey forward but the longer I am, the wearier I become and the less fucks I have to give.
Shit! I realized a dream. I had high hopes for that dream but as the days go by, I doubt more and more whether I have what it takes to realize this meager little dream while trying to support myself. And I look at my sometimesy support system. I think about how conflicted they all are. I begin to feel like I'm a unicorn chasing dragons chasing angels chasing god chasing creation with a wine made from the tears of celestial water nymphs. I had an important muse. I had several everyday muses. I've had inspirations and camaraderie. But ultimately, I feel like a seed of cataclysm and chaos. And then I'm not really like you all and I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. We wake up hungry and thirsty so we eat and drink. We wash when dirty. We like to smell good and look good. We read to get smart and we need shit explained to us when we don't know any better. We laugh at jokes or cry at tragedy & pain. We win and lose. We feel high and low. Yet, I open my mouth and people can't run away and shut it out fast enough.
So, I learned people. I studied people in school to understand what made them tick. To see if I was irrational with my beliefs. I grew arrogant. Then I began to build a people based business and I learned people better. I grew ever more arrogant. I know shit. But I don't know shit. I mean, I loved deductive reasoning my entire life. Sherlock Holmes was a goal to aspire to. But here...let me make more sense. I haven't been very good at lying. I say it. I believe it. I suppose that's part of it. Whatever. I'm sick of talking about this for now. And I'm still weary. I feel like I can't breathe. Nothing outside of hitting the lotto will cheer me up. Money is a major issue. Fuck pit bulls.
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