Do you remember being 18? I have fragmented memories of the time. The hardest thing that happened was I lost the only pet I could claim as mine. It was hard for me because I did not know my father; I did not have anyone to show me how to cope or talk me through it, so I played it by ear. I was hurt, she was my best friend...that dog...Delilah. Before that, there were other things that I noticed.
I had never had a pet all to myself. I got to train her and spend most of my time with her. I was such a young idiot. I'd beat the dog for being a dog. I didn't know any better. But one time, I went to get her and she hid in a pricker bush. That shit hurt my soul heavy. That moment served as the seed for the kindness I've come to cherish since. If it wasn't for that moment, I may be no better than some of these extra-masculine, thugs on steroids. I'd probably be dead with a gun in my hand. A memory myself.
That's how simple minded I was. I had a strong sense of right and wrong. Righteous in terms of authority when I was authority. My absolute-ness corrupted me. At a time I most wanted to be an officer of the law. Now, I bash law officers for their corruption with an anticipated fervor. I say this because I was horribly simple and I believe law men(in general) share this feature with young me.
IDK why I was so....empty but I knew what they taught in schools and barely that because I didn't study. I knew video games for whatever I could play of the ones I borrowed. I was a jock because I trained all year. So, I never was anything really exceptional outside of track. I was a bunch of halfway there identities. That really hurt me in my 20's. It crippled me in every direction I went. In my 18 year old head, this was a primary reason for attracting the attention of bullies. I held so much bitterness for the bullying that I had endured or who I had become to survive the bullying. I dealt with it as best I knew. I learned to preempt the bullies; even groups of them. I showed no fear and they would hesitate & balk. It was weird because of how underwhelming my presence was being lighter than the lot of them. There were a few times I got chased but I was so fast that it was easy.
That's were my confidence comes from...from fighting my own battles my own way. I needed a mentor. But my older brother got locked up on bogus charges because he wanted to play a serious game and held the no snitch policy. The DA fucked him over for it. Accomplice liability. Look it up, it was some bullshit. He was the closest thing I had to an example and he was violent, bubbling with temper tantrums and most of all a renegade. He's calmed a lot...still "him" though.
That age, I needed a ton of tutelage and I had no idea what to read to improve myself, so I read the dictionary. I read the encyclopedia. I had determined that I didn't want to be anything like anyone who read the Bible, although I still went to church and found nothing but judgment. I needed guidance. And all of the anger and resentment at what I could have been is still my fault...my responsibility. People on the outside looked at me and saw a kid that could manage through the storm on his lonely. I managed but I shouldn't have. I should have spoken up at how much it hurt to be me. Emotions are real pain. I wanted to hurt someone else, badly. When I finally hurt that dog, the person I hurt most was me. I said fuck it. I asked myself some hard questions. "What is this pain?" was the only real question I needed to ask myself. I knew the dog loved me. But why would she run from me? I began to sculpt the opinion that hitting was no good way to discipline. BUT IT WAS WHAT I KNEW.
I looked to the only culture I felt familiar with. I delved deeper into Japanese(since I was learning it as a language). I stumbled into martial arts and acquired a book on Judo(the gentle way). My life was changed.
My family was super poor back then. Arguments every night. I was more of an adult than I was a child. Not that I had to work but the agony would have been less, if I had worked. Being at home created a comfort with toxicity. I managed bullies. Parents can be bullies. So, if I ever felt the parenting had gone to far, I would snap back. I would melt my adversaries with fact and precedent. They swore I was going to grow up to be a lawyer. Fuck that. Juris deez nutz, bitch. I was proud they saw something great in me when all I saw in myself was demons and despair. Although, I was never suicidal. I just wanted to bloom.
For all the knowledge I held, people assumed that common sense was something that everyone learned at once. That pissed me off. I could not hear with their ears. I could not eat with their mouths. I could not see with their eyes. My hunger & ignorance was treated as a sin and I was chided for being responsible in one way rather than nurtured. That shit made me mean as fuck. Bullies stopped trying to gang up on me...they stopped fucking with me altogether. In fact, I became popular because people thought I was smart. I wasn't well rounded at all. I had a growing social anxiety; a fear of crowds from the bullying. I thought I was ugly and too skinny for anyone to love. I thought there was no way that I'd live beyond the age of 21 and certainly not 25. The world I lived in only supported that bigotry based understanding of reality. Tupac, the most famous Black man I had ever seen, didn't make it beyond 25; what could I hope for? That was so deeply seated in my thoughts that until I was 25 I believed it.
I'm not blaming anyone or holding them responsible and this certainly isn't a poe pity me rant but I've been through the blender a few times. I have grown to disregard speech of intelligence and find myself absolutely bewildered when I speak on that subject matter. I scored a 1080 on my SATs, retook them only to score an 1120. I refused to study for them. I was arrogant. Only scored better the second time around because I had a stupid white friend who scored an 1140; boy did he brag. But that is indicative of how dense I was. I only valued physical practice. My mentality was sabotaged.
I hear people slander things that held me together, Tupac was one of those things. He gave me positive references for passive pursuits of understanding. His imprint helped me want to love people beyond a reason. (Cartoons did their part, no doubt. Always with the heroic "turn the cheek" representations). Yet, people swore he was so negative and such a problem. I hate sheeple for this reason. Make you own mind up. Stop being stupid. I had reasons, I had little guidance and didn't know how to use the resources available to me. That shit changed when I got a job. People began to love on me and I accepted it because I was so naive. They would randomly gift me tidbits here and there that helped me flesh out my ignorance. It helped me grow to a somewhat intelligent man. I truly understand what it means to come from the bottom because I see how much different my intelligence is compared to what it was and how pitiful my peers were. None of it had to be that way. I'm am in by no intent saying I was unarmed with wits, just that compared to a straightforward education, mine was filled with fairy tales and silliness of prophesied greatness. But that was me at 18.
And I look at these kids today and how much shit they get flipped for being young and dumb; the derision they face makes absolutely no sense. It was like me, beating that dog because it was the only thing I knew. The only difference is that even ignorant little me was wise enough to stop doing the bad things because I allowed myself to feel what my victim felt. I stopped attacking because of that. These are adults railing against pubescent egos. I don't think other people take enough time to reflect on how blessed they were. These are reasons I line up to cape for those who cannot defend themselves. Even when I could defend myself, I couldn't.
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