My Sacred Heart Dog

 Dear Sage,

When you were a puppy of a mere 8 weeks, you were handed to me and I held you distraught by the unavoidable reality that one day a mere ten years into the future, you and I would be required to part. I feared that day but I overcame my reticence and decided to bond with you. You fulfilled my life and your own effortlessly. You were a gorgeous canine your entire life. You were very intelligent your entire life. You were loyal to a fault and protective to no end. You were the most inspiring companion I could have imagined and I did the best for you I could think to do.

It was because of your that I got off my six and got to hustling just to be able to afford a bone as a treat because you impressed me. Next thing I knew, I was buying a car to get around and a house with a huge backyard for you to call your own. And you knew peace. And you knew love. And you knew protection. And you knew being spoiled. And you knew, no matter what, you always had a home. And when you knew your time was due, you let me know that you were okay to go. And that was a very hard thing I faced as sternly as I could muster. The vacuum your absence installed in my chest is overbearing, overwhelming and suffocating at times. You were just a dog. But for me you were that and so very much more.

It will be 4 weeks that you've been gone and it feels like I was just holding you in my arms and gently stroking your fur. I hate that there is nothing I can do to spend more time with you or to play with you until we both dropped just one more time. I cannot undo any time I ever yanked the chain too hard or was too rough because I allowed myself to be convinced that I was not hard enough on you. And it disgusts me. You were absolutely the sweetest dog. Because of you, most of my roughest habits will never again reach the light of day. I lost the purpose behind being strict to my pets. I feel like I learned too late in life. But again, my mother, who I learned most of these behaviors from, didn't learn until later in life. It was a small improvement but I didn't have a "me", I had a Sage and a Delilah.

Now, I did try to give you the kind of life that other dogs would be jealous of but I do feel like I fell short in a few damning ways. You did get a virtually unlimited supply of bones and dog treats. I did spoil you with food and whatever I thought would give you enjoyment. I wish I cuddled with you a little more when you were older and I wish I didn't force you to cuddle so much when you were younger. Really, you changed my heart into a much softer and sweeter version. I am capable of so much more because you were here, with me. I am grateful beyond words that not only did you choose me but you willingly stayed with me when you could have run off at any point. You had more than a few dozen opportunities and your loyalty was rewarded the best I could manage.

There will never be another soul that could squeeze even an iota of the real estate you take up in my consciousness. That is your space forevermore. With that said, my mother decided to drop another dog on me and she happens to be your great niece. She looks a lot like you and she's a pretty sharp girl. We named her "Jade" in your namesake despite her eyes not matching her name like your eyes matched your name. She's a fun girl and you would have enjoyed her.

Fen misses you and it is pretty clear he pined for your loss. A few days after you died he bit me and I put the fear of god in him so he won't be doing that again. Of course, I certainly missed you then, because you wouldn't have tolerated that from him.

Losing you is a pain I never want to experience again. It has been debilitating. Hopefully, I can recover better and live a fuller life like you did. Anyway, my mother believes you came back in Jade's body to share her soul and guide her decisions and Ly thinks you'll come in the form of a new baby she might be carrying. I want you to know, if you can do either or already have done either, you are welcome to do either. If that was simply hopeful prattle, then so be it.

That is all I have for you at this moment but I will constantly be in a state of reflection, time traveling through my memories for the moments we shared together, albeit brief, they were some of the most heartwarming memories I have. And with that, if your aren't here with us and cannot be, then I wish you to rest in peace. You are the best girl and I will always cherish the time we shared.

Thank you from the lowest point of my heart to the highest point of my soul.

I will miss you until my final breath.

-Jerome

Take a few steps into yesterday with me....last 12 months, anyway

I've been away from blogging, especially the emotional stuff that I had been doing. No venting. Little actual emotional growth. It has been very much more emotional sorting. Blogging for me has been solely about growth through expression. Which is why I feel I've been gone.

It could be that I simply felt nobody was reading. It could be that I had nothing that I deeply wanted to share with the internet. It could be any of those reasons BUT I'm not here for that right now.

I am not nearly who I was....I am the same guy but much has changed. My morality, I guess I let that go. Or maybe not. I am often told that I am very rigid. I began considering myself a bit of a manic. I don't go through bouts of depression or simply feeling down. I'm far too busy working. I love my dog and she's much more like a sacred life to me than I feel a dog should be.

Hmm, seems I was wrong. I should have continued typing away for those last 12 months. I have much to say. Like how I am in the gym whenever I can find the time which is 5 days a week strong. I have enough growth on my thighs and my chest that my arms and calves don't look like they belong to the same body. I mean, they've grown as well, just not as well. If you follow my intended meaning.

I was really bad at getting what I wanted so I didn't try unless I could smell success from hello. Only now, I always smell success from hello. I could be a right slut but adding bodies isn't my goal. And I'm not chasing sex as much as I'm searching deeply for something that people who don't have try to get from me and people that do have are clueless about their possession. It does annoy.

Age isn't such a big issue to me anymore. I know how to work around the lacking intellects a bit better. Education level also isn't as difficult for me to stride from top to bottom. Color also doesn't inhibit me like it once did. In many ways, I've spread my wings and decided for myself that I wouldn't be held back by what I wanted because of something else I wanted. Which, when I think about it is confusing.

Yes, you're being hit with a lot at random all at once. I did intend to do this. I want a frappucino. I had one and can't stop thinking about it. It's stupid because I don't really like coffee like that.

So, in the last 12 months I got a DUI but was released because the officer failed to file. In that moment, I made a decision to not be the same guy again. A taxi is so much cheaper. Why was that such a hard lesson to learn? Why was I single? Why don't I have women hanging off of me at all times of the day? Silly reasons. I am human. I am susceptible to earthly weaknesses.

I bought my first new car ever. Finally got my first 2 door sports car. I am learning a trade and making decent money. Learning to keep my mouth shut and not ruin my blessings. Because based on appearance alone, I can get it. But I can overwhelm people, easily.

So, when in doubt, I use silence as my A1 steak sauce; as my Day 1 homeboys; as my ride or die diva....when things are not clear, I wait. The Universe usually speaks when I need it to.

Come take a walk with me. I gotchu.

When you live in my memories (The Blog version).

I have tried to dump the heavier part of my soul on this here blog. I tried to scour the sour taste of bad memories from my mind. It didn't work. Although the whispers quieted a lot. Although the echoes don't grab the corners of my attention and bend them into rivers of tears been cried. I tried. It helped.

I don't know if I'm just naive, a lost soul, a hopeless romantic, an idiot, a fool, over determined, under informed, poorly experienced or simply too stubborn. All I know is I can feel love drawing me in a direction and no matter what, I cannot find out how to keep the loves I try to love so purely. I do not know and cannot discern what it is that I could have done to wanted to be with those women so much that I just couldn't let them go. I fought as hard as I could. I put my pride to the side. I moved. I dropped everything for them when they asked it of me. I shunned them when they wronged me. I held them accountable. I grew. I learned. I matured. I led.

I can only imagine that my weaknesses alternated with each of them. I can only imagine that not one of them was compatible with the way I wanted to live. It's just hard to believe that because they loved me. They still swear they loved me for who I was....who I am. "Always have love for me." And I think back to the cute moments and fall into their eyes one more time, in the wake of contemplations. I want them all. I want them all back. More than anything, I want that feeling...the feeling that said they loved me.

Each kiss, slipping off the tip of touching lips. Drifting into the distant memory. I can't go back and reclaim those moments. Not really. I do it every night in my dreams. Reliving every love. Every fling. Every cuddle. Every connection. These positive memories become a silent misery. Why do I provide myself such unnecessary injury? Because I loved them; I love them and miss them and the feelings they brought into my understanding. Such a rare passion. Was I lucky or was this pennance for daring to be vulnerable to feeling? All I know, is this is what you become when you live in my memories. An indescribable feeling. How could I forget that?

So Far, the Better.

I've already made more in ONE WEEK, than I did in three months(new vs old).
I almost sold several cars in my first few days.

I'll be fair, at the former place of employment, I had some really large accounts fall into my hands and then begin to slip through my fingers. Nothing could be done about it...not anything I knew to be possible. I had support and my bosses working with me and of the three factions, none could salvage the deal. It simply wasn't meant to be. All the others were mismanaged due the desperation of my superiors. It befuddles me that these people were the greats but managed to drop the ball every single time I needed someone to pass it to. Let's be real, I was in a banking outfit that specialized in moving pennies and making it seem like they moved mountains. Instead, it was like my superiors did everything in their power to make me see why we needed to be underhanded about the process.

My natural proclivity toward honest sincerity must have rubbed them wrong. Whenever they were honest, their lack of sincerity was apparent. So accustomed to lying they ain't know how to tell the truth. It was annoying to see them lose on my behalf, time and again. Every decent account I brought, they found a way to tank and thought to be surprised that I was hurting, seriously hurting after 90 days and nothing but failures. They were surprised to see my motivation take a serious dip. I got a job to make money. I did it thinking, I can do this because I need to do this. No. It turned out to be that I cannot simply take advantage of the ignorances of others just because I know something they don't. I'm morally corrupted to saying what I believe is fair. I'm an idiot for that. How common place is using ignorance to sell goods, practiced? EVERY DAY THING.

Merchants are disgusting people. Salesmen are probably more disgusting than that. Bankers gotta be the worst all time....slimier than politicians. I don't know what Imma do with my life...Idk how Imma make this money. Right now, I'm shifting my mind into a place where it will allow me to sell cars. Where I need to be able to right into a deal, enough margin that it doesn't hurt my customer and it doesn't stop me from being successful. Pretty much, the same as the last job. Bad credit? Good for me. Wanna fix your credit? You're going to bleed while paying through the nose. The good thing about this one is I can honestly separate how much I care about people paying for cars because it's their greed vs my survival. These people want to buy non essential vehicles just because they are available? Cool. I'll write in an extra hundred dollars for myself. I appreciate their needs but I wanna buy my way into this dirty ass world and the mentality of being justified while taking advantage of others is something that, although I'm sure I utilize it in one way or another, turns me off aesthetically.

I just don't want to feel like a piece of shit when I lay down at night. I don't want to feel like a giant friggin parasite. And this one is more like, "you don't want to pay a fair price while you want me to pay a more than fair price? Imma make you feel like it while not giving you the best of it. Dirty ugmo negroes, just violating around the map. Making six figures. Getting raises and promotions but er'rybody gotta grudge against ol boy. Imma be straight up, I understand and know why he did them dirty. They were dirty themselves. My eyes closed to they bs. Do I expect folk to cheat me? Yes. If I don't protect myself, I'll learn. It won't last forever. I just might not be cut out for sales. I have a heavy set morality. It doesn't run from place to place so well. It's good at remaining unchanged. BUT I WANT TO WIN. I am hungry and people look more and more like something to eat, every friggin day, b.

Failure to Launch...err...yeah

I'm in a scorched earth mindset...tired of this dark cloud bearing down, the scoundrel frowns, frustration abound, baboons and raccons get their hairs fine with vidal sassoon. It's an hour passed noon. This bombaclot ras is a replacement for ras al ghoul, now dat I'm the man, who's that fool...hol'up....lemme run dat byke.

I work in a sales position. Sales can be the easiest thing depending on your personality. Mine not one of the good ones for sales. I'm as honest as I can be. Direct. No bullshit. Disconnected from others(isolated). I don't hold on to people that are full of shit. I leave people better than I find them. Sales isn't about that. This is an everyday environment where phrases like "there's no right and wrong" are thrown around like Halloween candy. Where putting somebody in a better position doesn't mean they are in a good position. Where the amount of money you take from somebody is a blindness to them and they can still call you a friend. The shit is insane.

I can't grasp the....I cannot fathom the stupidity...the idiocy...the magnitude or enormity of the ignorance involved. I work in a field full of self servile parasites and I am honest to God, frustrated that I can't be more like them. I only look down on them because I cannot find a way to join their ranks. I might be the worst person in the office. My firm practices predatory lending. No big deal. If I sign somebody to it, I don't make any money off of it. So, fuck that. Why would I bother? For all of my failure and endless hours of effort and loss....I can't be made whole. I just have lost.

Hell, I've had rough years since I made a decision to chase a woman instead of money. I haven't recovered. Meanwhile she's married. I certainly came out looking worthless. No matter how decent I try to be, my lack of ruthlessness OR WHATEVER IT IS...has left me wanting, without, heartbroken and defeated. And I continue to stand up only to fall again and again and again. I am sick of it.

I have been at this job for 12 weeks. Not one paycheck. Money going out, none coming in. Idk what to do. I'm busting my ass to get nowhere fast. Part of it is growing up in a society that punishes the high morality it teaches us to espouse. Another part of it is believing in the good and intelligence of others. All of it a waste. Part of it is that I make excuses without meaning to. My failure is my own. Some have assisted but my ignorance is my responsibility.

This week has 3 days remaining. After that, I am quitting. 3 months of nothing but RED! I'm sorry, if you don't get it by then, you simply won't get it at all. At least, nobody has been able to help me. My boss, her boss, her subordinate, my coworker...I'm un-help-able. These people go to help others and great biig things happen. Family & friends bar together and it's all growth. Around me? All decay. I am so fucking tired of losing.

People list the reasons I should be winning. Does not help. "You're handsome"..."You're intelligent"..."You are kind"..."You have a great personality". Funny, none of those things have benefited me in any meaningful way. I'm starved. Exhausted. Lonely. Depressed.
I. Am. Losing it.

And I remember feeling like this just prior to getting this job. After I thought I blew the interview.After three months of fruitlessly searching for any place that would hire me and finding none. Where am I winning? This job caps a very hard 6 months for me. A very trying 6 months for me. Where does it end?

I mean, the years have been shit.
These last few months? Shit.
These last few weeks? Ultra shit.
A few folks on twitter and my dog are all that holds me together anymore.
Being able to tweet my sweet miseries is probably keeping me walking the tightrope I've been walking.
I am troubled and I cannot find my way from beneath this curse.
Positive aphorisms err affirmations err..yeah.
Look, my life was pretty cool despite the ton of bad shit that happened. I was a typically positive person who often managed to steer away from negativity.
Even now, I celebrate the little things...its just become a truth that my little things are mostly negative.

Sure, I have my health but none to share it with.
I have positivity but...fuck but...you get it. I'm down and tryna not be out.

I just wanna win. I put inn...obviously it don't matter.

All the sin in the world can't make it in your heart if you don't let it.

What does "GOOD" mean anyway???

I like to write about women

I like to write about the women I date, it is a catharsis few understand. I do semi-bash them BUT I like to avoid bashing anyone, regardless of what happened. Here's the thing though, I think I'm just telling it like it is and the shitty things they do, are things they answer for AND since it happened to me, I think it's fair to layout how I saw things go down. Still, it's semi-bashy. lol.

So, without further ado, let's fall into this most recent escapade of bullshit I allowed to happen.

This woman, I'd known of but not directly. I thought she was aight but the more I looked at her, the better angles I could find to make her more appealing to my eye. It was some work because she was high maintenance as far as her expectations yet she was low on her personal maintenance scale. Fingernails were trash, wardrobe was underwhelming(as a man's man, I didn't really care about it until she made a big deal out of my undergarments, then it was like "Hol'up chick"...anyway); her teeth were a brownish yellow, beady little eyes, glasses, oily, pitted skin, smoking habit, tiny & flabby titties, incredibly skinny, unhealthy eating habits, poor word usage, highly critical, incapable of making a decision, and on top of all that, wanted me to spend money on her for months on end just to earn her approval to "date" her.

Bruh, I SHIT YOU NOT. I should attach a picture but I'm not that messy. This has me feeling some kinda way. Some type of way. SOME FUCKIN SORT OF WAY. But I was broke and living with my mother and I thought that the one thing I really liked about her would be something that was worth all of the effort. Gawd damn my proclivity for positivity because YOOOOO...she wasn't even that no more. Just a bitter broad who ruined her past relationships by being self centered(on her OWN admission) then basically ruined whatever chances she had with me by doing the very damn same things. AND I WAS WORKING WITH HER. I'm going to be raw, if I hadn't taken some very serious losses this last year...if I hadn't been struggling to keep myself positive...struggling to give a damn....I'd have tossed her the moment she got difficult.

I don't want to see all the surface flaws in a person. I want to look beyond all that shit I don't want and find that thing that will make every word worth it. I thought I struck gold....guess what? Pyrite real than a mutha.(Dat's dat fool's gold for those who ain't in the knowin'). So, it's not like I derive the slightest bit of pleasure from all the description I gave of her. I feel childish...somewhat disgusted...and even worse, resentful that I gave her an honest chance when bonafide great women getting passed up. I felt like shit. That lasted all of three seconds. I didn't want to spend any more of my time on her. Well, until I typed this up tonight.

Now, she did try to cut me down. She threw stones the entire time. She was a work of shit. Can go on for ten to twenty minutes about my flaw of not having employment but couldn't take a minute of what was wrong with her. I call that stupid, insecure and childish. It pisses me off. Don't give criticism if you can't take it. She thought it'd be cool to stalk my twitter and whatever. I don't give a fuck...stalk them...I'm not talking to her monkey ass no more. Idc if I never see her again. Waste my time and call me a waste? Say you settle for me? Nigga...who settles up? Tell me that shit. I'm six feet and one inch tall. I'm handsome. I have a great smile. I'm workably intelligent. I'm charming and you settled for that? Bitch, do you even lift?

The moment I got a new job, big money coming in...more money than she make a month, she wanna act like I ain't shit. Cool. I'm breezy. Co-workers like, "You single? Cause I got some home girls that would LOVE you!!!' Damn, saying that makes me feel like I shouldn't have even typed this out. Meh, it happens. Catharsis. Lol.

Here's the up and up. I'm not actually mad and most of this was worded for dramatic flair while not compromising the accuracy...simply the perception of the events. In other words, it's all true but you might not consume it the way I meant it. Lol. Pimp shit, am I right? No? Ahhh, well I tried. Anyway. I wish the broad the best of luck. It's her path. I'm just glad she's no longer muddying up my path. And that's where I'm at with it. Mind over matter and she don't register in my mind so she don't matter.


CASE CLOSED.

Reasonable Determination

Everybody is great at something. You can represent yourself in a piss poor manner, smoke heavily, drink heavily, curse heavily and out perform based on little more than bending corners of the truth back in your favor all while pretending what you say is the truth. The worst part is that you believe it.

Perhaps, it is the moribund of ethics to stick with a simple perspective. Or perhaps it is the willingness to be wrong while believing you are right. Not that I have an issue with either. At this point, I'd start auctioning off errant & wayward family members for a profit. Why give a fuck?

Here, the other people in my office hardly ever tell the truth. Training is typically a detriment full of the wrong information and misdirection is abound. We are told to stick to simple metrics and the results will present themselves. I am the cautionary tale of why that isn't true. I've had much better results in doing what they've told me not to do rather than doing what they tell me to do. Unfortunately for me, I've committed to doing what they tell me to do. Peanuts.

Now, I'm not really complaining about the job I have. At least I have a job to fail at. I am the one failing. I am the one one the verge of losing one big account after another and never actually reaching the big pay day because I believed my upper management had their shit together...or rather, would inform me that shit wasn't together...or whatever. I figured I wouldn't need to be the boss in my first few weeks. I should have done more research. I should have turned down the position. I should have slept more and made sounder decisions. SHOULD HAVE, WOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE. I started at the bottom and I'm still here.

I have one spark of life. This woman owns a destination pizzeria. Her business is in the death roll and nobody will help her straighten it out. I understand loans are risky and everything is looking bad but her history would suggest that she could handle the loan and straighten herself within a year. I am her final thread of sanity. I have done everything I know to do, have been shown to do, have been told I could do for this woman. I doubt I can continue with this job if I failed her in my efforts. At one point, it is what told me I could do this job. It is the point where I became to believe that we weren't bad people or just salesman with a glint of greed in our eyes. I began to believe in our purpose. I COULD SEE IT REALIZED.

Now, here I am, on the precipice of disappointment, exhausting every single option in the final seconds of the last game with nowhere to turn and I have no Mj...I have no Kobe....there is nobody else to take this shot but me. I am it. The others, lost in personal seas of struggle have no sight on the release and it rests at my finger tips. I take a moment, size up the differences, tense my response and release...