August was unbearable

I don't take break ups well at all. Even though I fight with everything I have to make relationships work, I haven't been able to sustain them. It could be said I'm picking the wrong women(which is still my responsibility). It could be a many a thing said about how the relationships progress and the weaknesses routed all up and through those joints(Yes, I reverted to excessive colloquialisms--bear with me, I'll straighten up, lol). But I suffer through the relationships with women who show a lot of disregard for my happiness. I suffer through women disrespecting me by not properly drawing the lines of communication with other men. I suffer through the break ups after they decide I'm no longer worth their time. I suffer when they contact me afterward because a part of me loved them so much that I couldn't find the words to tell them the extent it wouldn't disappear. And this August, that energy formed a grey cloud that followed me like a lost puppy.

Last October, I was madly in love with a light skinned, soul singing, intellectual mother of one. I was determined to marry her. I had struggled and fought through all of her bullshit, inappropriate hangings on, excuses, family issues, psychological problems....the redundant break ups she levied against actions I never took. I tried desperately to sustain it all. I had never had a relationship so dysfunctional that I was willing to fight for. She was awesome in my eyes. She had tons of flaws but those only made her more beautiful to me. She was easy to fall in love with but soon afterwards, she began punishing me for doing so much. Even after my common sense told me that she was poisonous(Poison was a favorite song of mine- looking back, such a potent foreshadowing) I kept fighting for the victory. I had finally gotten to a point where I knocked out all the other contenders and had her all to myself. Shit didn't last a fucking week. I was sent home, tears leaking from my eyes and utterly defeated with a glimmering of hope. See, she didn't close things off completely. She kept second guessing her decision. "I'm afraid you won't leave" one second and then the next "Please don't go!!! I want to work it out!!! Please stay!!!" to the next fuckin second "I'm sure you won't leave now but you need to go." Two weeks later I found out she was engaged. I was sick. That lasted about 16 hours. That's when Black Pearl hit me up. I don't know if she was lying or just whatever but her interest in me sparked a thirst for survival. I needed her in that moment and I will be forever grateful because I don't know how far I would have sunk without her. Her timing was impeccable.

The arrival of Black Pearl was the revival of positivity. I realized I was free from my struggle. I felt free. It was the best turn around I ever made after a break up. And this was promising to be my worst break up ever because...well...I never put so much energy into a woman prior to this. With my new found lease on life, it seemed like every day was getting brighter. There was the occasional set back but shit, it's life, it ain't about to be perfect. From December forward, I had to figure out who I had become. Up through February, I'd break out in random bouts of crying. Those bouts were few(I think 3 times overall and all tied to John Mayer's "slow dancing in a Burning Room" which seemed like the perfect summation of my experience). The other days were as if I had no issues. Then we get to April, May, June & July and the ex that nearly endangered my life by being insecure in her decision, decides she wants to contact me. I'm not here for it. I ignore her twice and admonish her once. I reinforce how the past is the past and I just want to move forward. It's clear she didn't give a damn. She did what she wanted. Cool.

But the last time she contacted me, it was under the guise of her needing my assistance in particular. Only problem is it was an old problem. Nothing new. One I had spoken on several hundred times prior. I patiently gave her very similar words and told her I couldn't give anything better than that unless she refined the difficulty to something precise. Meanwhile, she's alluding to how well she's doing and how nobody criticizes her anymore. This sounds like one of her 'super high level' manipulative apologies where she makes you feel bad for her actions. I've seen it too many times to not know the bitterness it leaves in my mouth. I ignore her jabs. I don't give a fuck. I'm merely trying to uphold my old school pledge to always show love to somebody I loved. I felt taken advantage of again. After the communication had ended I almost rescinded my pledge. But these moments are what set the stage for August.

Just five days after I interacted with her, August began. I wanted to get more serious about a job search and fixing a few of my vehicles. I haven't given much of a damn about that because I don't have high hopes for what I have qualifications. I don't really want to do that stuff anymore and my recent applications to grad school came back "Denied". It's my fault for being such a piss poor student. Really, it's amazing I made it this far. The only real effort I put in was in pleading to be allowed to continue. The educational system is horribly archaic. I don't know if I have ADD but it sure as hell feels like it because I have always struggled with anxiety when I sat down to do homework. Only subjects I did exceedingly well in were Biology, English, Certain Maths, & Philosophy. Anyway, before I get too distracted, August had me in its clutches and it decided it was going to smother me with ambiguous emotions. I didn't even notice that I was being swallowed alive. Luckily, Black Pearl popped out to save me again. She'll never know how much of a super hero she is to me. She says I'm the same for her...I believe it. She said her August was rough too. Makes sense to me. This month came with more craptacular developments than is necessary.

I'll tell you, I don't remember much of August. I poured myself into twitter and talking with as many women as I can. Women are the the primary encouraging forces in my life. Always amazing. Five days into August, a woman flips on me. I was correcting a horribly conflated inaccuracy. It was ignorant. I called it like I saw it. She got pissed and called me fakesmart. Clearly she held a lot of pride in the connection she had drawn. I don't really know if I could have taken it easier. She had her pride in the wrong place. Superficially supported by stating shit that cannot be corroborated by fact. There was simply no way to substantiate that bullshit. No reason to get mad behind. It should be harmless to be corrected there. Even harshly although I was gentle. I guess that part is up for debate but I used passive/suggestive language. So...yeah...she was just tired of being called dumb. She was dumb. But we all are. What you do from there is what matters. Anyway, I was enjoying her quite a bit prior to that. We played video games together sometimes. After that, I stopped playing video games again. I had to block her on every social media she crept her way on to. She was really cool at first but got crazed from her lack of confidence. It resonated the tones of August I already had  bouncing around my head. I was disappointed. A week later, the Control verse from K.Dot hit the net. I THREW myself at that. It just didn't last long enough.

So, I turn back to women, slightly energized. I meet a real sweet heart. She has a great temperament. Doesn't get offended because I laugh at any and everything. She is sharp and understands my shit. This was virtually the only improvement in August. She is fun to talk with. Outside of that, my trying to work myself into a positively working person has been a large failure. The cycle I'm in has to be an addiction cycle. I keep giving myself relief. Not holding myself accountable. I changed my tweets to try and talk it in So, I'm back to feeling shitty about myself. Although, feeling shitty is probably not comparable to actually feeling shitty. It's more like acknowledging that I could do much better.

So, here we are, August. I've probably been called a faggot more times than ever in my entire life.But I was born in September so I'm expecting a much better month. If it is anything like August, I'll do my very best to get shoulder deep and work it all out. I'm not living another month of this shit. August was un fucking fun.

5 questions

I have poured my emotion into this blog when it overflowed to the extent that tears threatened to flow forth. At times, I hide some aspects behind allusions to hide my shame. Other times, I am raw with the honesty. Often, I feel stupid and hideously so, at that. However, this is my journal.

I know I'll be judged. I know some of these emotions are scary. I know some people cannot respect what I do here. Really, that eventually became fine to me. As shy as I have been my entire life. My insecurity has been virtually limitless. From thinking my nose was too big to having unattractive women decline my advances to questioning the size of my manhood to question the inherent goodness of my black skinned soul. It ceases to be feelings of 'inadequacy in self' and transmogrifies itself as 'blame of others'.

No longer is it "I'm just not good enough." Suddenly, it is "They just don't like me." While that may be the reality, to put thoughts in such phrasing is emblematic of the same fundamental issues. Just another branch on the same tree. Operating from the same cracked foundation. Perhaps, that is growth but it is insufficient.

In the recent years, it has been the mission to tell it how I see it. Oddly, before that was the mission, it is the only way I knew. But disagreements make me sick to my stomach. I don't want to fuss, fight and exchange about things that won't change regardless of opinion. Politics, Religion...in fact, it's better to frame it as social beliefs. Those things make little sense to exchange on at this point. Ignorance reigns and always will.

Ever more importantly, to think about anything other than personal desires and the process by which those will be accomplished seems to be a poor application of one's desperately limited times. All of this thinking and feeling and learning, has become a distraction. Where do I want to be? What do I want to be? How do I want to live. Who do I want to live with? When, however, is obvious.

The time is now.

A thought on legacy

My mother has a house in the suburbs of a rural area of the northwest. Green is all around, all the time.

My father has a house in the suburbs of a metropolitan area of the southeast. Green is all around, all the time.

Regardless of whom I visit, my body is filled with warmth. Perhaps, a truth I take for granted.
When other families are fragmented by the cruel reality, I was blessed to have a family for even a limited time.

There is no measure of gratitude for the small joys of life. And I bare my soul for family. Some say that's real. I think without regard to it. I do it selfishly; chasing growth and understanding. I want to pass it on just in case I manage to produce a child of my own. I want to give something greater than physical love and more meaningful to pursue.

Not to debase love, at all. I presume my love is granted.

I have a puppy. The way I dote over her makes me feel silly and hopelessly emotional. I purely cherish her and enjoy each interaction. The amount of protective demon that summons from within when she's in danger is uncanny because I made light of people who put the life of a dog before the life of a human. Now I do it. Silly me. I simply cannot resist. I mean, she's my family.

It's the existence. Unwilling to relinquish my claim, I fight for family; today, tomorrow, whenever necessary & to pass on the importance of protecting your own at all costs, all the time.