BNC - Skin

Blessing and a curse. My skin. My beautiful, well toned, brown skin. I thought I always loved it. I thought it was a source of pride and eternal defiance. I mean, I did not have a choice but to resist. I was born into this war, I did not start it. The side was chosen for me. Well, that is not altogether true.

I chose to see no flaws in my origin. As I compared the births for every color and the people within, I recognized nothing that separates me from other men. Of course, by that I mean besides my skin.

To recognize the potential for greatness was possible to attain; the improbable was the limit of what caught people insane. The verge of greatness and others pulled up lame.

I watched and learned and thought nothing of the hate. There were tons of racist and bigots that flowed this way. Thinking of their import to make their existence real beyond a perceive great.

People got lost along the road. Everybody born could be king. They usually lose out and tarnish their soul. Because they were never taught to cherish the fragility of that on thing.

So, I've learned from their mistakes and watched the way they did it. I thought I could explain it all the way down to the explicit. But really all I was doing was recognizing my fear unknowingly to them becoming submissive.

I awoke this morning feeling oddly aroused by the burden of the gift of my skin. How I could go nowhere that I've gone without unfeeling what I felt. That torment followed me. It excluded me. I've wanted to shed it for some semblance of relief. Nothing. No relief. So I retreated into myself where I knew love was. Because that is what I believe in. God is love. Love is God. Defined by religion, that God starts to not love people. The people mimic that ideal and suddenly instead of sharing the love of their God, they merely exclude and divide based on their fears and weaknesses. I believe this has something to do with the divide over the color of skins. Either way, I refused to be overwhelmed by their confusion. I focused on love and lost myself in it. My patience is proof. My tone is proof. I'm hard edged; straight edged. But when I awoke this morning and thought about how my skin covered me; how it chased every end of my limit; how it was the first thing people saw of me and thought of me and was surprised by my ability to not let it limit me and how I've grown beyond what seems to be an unmarvelous foundation. And I thought I loved it. I was less than fanatic but too calm about it; too sure that it was a great skin to have.

I just don't know anymore. As much as I am grateful for my skin and all the blessings that come with it, for the first time in my life, I look at it like it actually helped to bring me to where I am instead of me being the engine; the agent of change. And that thought was overwhelming. That I had less talent and personality than I perceived and it was more about what I didn't say than what I did say. That is completely underwhelming. I basically got to an obstacle and was not found wanting which let me pass unscathed.

So, my skin is a gift and a curse just like everyone else's. We all have a burden on our shoulders that we place on one another. And I've finally acknowledged the depth of mine. But as I grow, I learn more. This may not be as deep as it goes but as deep as I can see for now. For now, I will continue to do the best I know to do. The best effort I can muster. I'm not as smart as I want to be. I wish I were. I wish I could make the best decisions to connect with the people I want to. I found what I thought was the perfect woman but maybe I don't deserve her. Because as great as it seems our connection is, I aim for the target and miss all the same and I cannot blame her for not loving me through and beyond that. Some times losses are what makes us see just how we fail. It is how I came to see this skin in the first place, somebody took a chunk out of my pride by calling me a name. I will take that loss and every other and fight for my future. Like nobody else, I am building my momentum to winning the future. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One heart beat at a time. I will find the future. Walk with me.