I would say that personally, I had an extremely, emotionally taxing day. I couldn't do anything properly. I have skills, or so I thought. Not as hot today and every so often I squeezed a chuckle at my own jokes(which I typically cater to undeniably).
Exhausted, I took a nap. I awoke in time to catch the gym but I wasn't sure if I'd actually go as I had missed the last night's work out(I have a strict regimen I follow). I can typically combine two days because I structured my workouts that way but I cannot combine three workouts because it is simply too much energy expenditure. I decide to go. I'm groggy. I hug my niece & then I hug my mother, just because I love them and hugs let them know it. Then I proceed on my way to the gym. I'm driving somewhat inconsistent. I'll speed the straights and slower on the curves but this is typical.
I'm ascending a hill within the speed limit and I see a vague shadow scurrying across the road, I hesitate to slow down because it is no longer in my path but it turns around and heads back for my path...I pump the brakes once to give myself a moment. Bump bump! My eyes shoot open immediately and I instantly presume to know why that shadow I saw made the effort to turn around. It must have been walking with it's offspring. My face twists in agony as I contemplate having actually hit something. On the verge of tears, I mentally chastize myself for being a man on the verge of tears behind a wild animal. But I rebut that a life is a life and life is fragile.
Over the next 5 minutes or so, I fight the urges that contort my face with sadness. I don't know how to feel. I did that. I hurt something. I probably killed it. This is nothing that I want to do. My mood tanked. But I try hard to focus and regain my composure. It was already going to be a monumental effort considering my day, the amount of sadness, the frustration, feeling like a punk for caring and now I feel like a callous murderer of justifiably gypsy-esque urban wildlife.
I struggle to find rhythm through the workout. I'm competing with a former classmate for highschool who had to be born buff. Whatever, we bench the same weight, he just did it better. I still did it though and that's what matters to me. Plus I can run a lot faster than he and that is my saving grace.
Anyways, I've got a long road to go in many other places in my life and currently I ain't doing nothing worthwhile with my time other than trying to help random people to make their lives better. They ain't shit neither though, so I don't know why I bother. Drug addicts and sellers who love what they do. A damn shame. College degrees going to waste, mine included but at least I don't mess with drugs, have baby's mamas or stds. For all intents and purposes I'm normal and well adjusted. But apparently I'm so emotional. I just think I care. I just think other people are insecure with my ability to be the way I am. I really couldn't be tasked to focus on the thoughts of others much beyond this. Everything else is me being asinine. So what. Anyways, after the gym I drove back down that same road looking for any sign of road kill and I saw none. I began thinking that it may be seriously hurt or maybe not so much. Either way I can sleep tonight because ultimately I feel like that lil' racoon made it for at least a few more minutes and was afforded the dignity of not dying underneath the could care less steels of people who see themselves as more important when really they could be less worthy of life than an animal they so flagrantly disregard as superfluous life forms.
Just a thought.
Just my love for now.
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