When you live in my memories (The Blog version).

I have tried to dump the heavier part of my soul on this here blog. I tried to scour the sour taste of bad memories from my mind. It didn't work. Although the whispers quieted a lot. Although the echoes don't grab the corners of my attention and bend them into rivers of tears been cried. I tried. It helped.

I don't know if I'm just naive, a lost soul, a hopeless romantic, an idiot, a fool, over determined, under informed, poorly experienced or simply too stubborn. All I know is I can feel love drawing me in a direction and no matter what, I cannot find out how to keep the loves I try to love so purely. I do not know and cannot discern what it is that I could have done to wanted to be with those women so much that I just couldn't let them go. I fought as hard as I could. I put my pride to the side. I moved. I dropped everything for them when they asked it of me. I shunned them when they wronged me. I held them accountable. I grew. I learned. I matured. I led.

I can only imagine that my weaknesses alternated with each of them. I can only imagine that not one of them was compatible with the way I wanted to live. It's just hard to believe that because they loved me. They still swear they loved me for who I was....who I am. "Always have love for me." And I think back to the cute moments and fall into their eyes one more time, in the wake of contemplations. I want them all. I want them all back. More than anything, I want that feeling...the feeling that said they loved me.

Each kiss, slipping off the tip of touching lips. Drifting into the distant memory. I can't go back and reclaim those moments. Not really. I do it every night in my dreams. Reliving every love. Every fling. Every cuddle. Every connection. These positive memories become a silent misery. Why do I provide myself such unnecessary injury? Because I loved them; I love them and miss them and the feelings they brought into my understanding. Such a rare passion. Was I lucky or was this pennance for daring to be vulnerable to feeling? All I know, is this is what you become when you live in my memories. An indescribable feeling. How could I forget that?