When I looked at my job as a salesman, I hated the idea of being a shitty, unctuous, over pushy & far too highly motivated moron with a goal. In a highly saturated market of mental deficiency, I stand out as a detailed oriented, research capable, quick spit of information. I am the quality. But of course I'd think and say that. A salesman's job is never done. I need to sell myself to you or you'll dismiss my story and the reason I'm typing it up. Salesmen suck. Point blank period. They don't care about your life, what you're going through, what you want or anything but making that bottom dollar. Cause they have lives too. But there is another side to my sales position. The other side is maintaining a positive working rapport with the companies you sign.
I am also an account manager. I'm in banking. Not the "we store your cash at a static location and insure it digitally with the idea of security" type of banking BUT the elbows, wrist, shoulders, ankles hips and knees of that system. We are the, "get your money from point A to point B without worrying about being robbed or plotted on" type of banking. The only real money we see, is our own. And that's if we're savvy enough to make it.
All the same, changing the way I looked at the job, drastically altered my results. I'm happier to go to work, more excited about the little successes and far more enthusiastic about sharing what I do with women I'm interested in.
That it is only commission doesn't even slightly bother me...considering how deeply I believe in myself, a support system didn't help me get started. I borrow my little brother's car. That's about it.
My truck would eat up twice the gas on half the mileage. It wasn't a wise decision to purchase that truck. My fault.
So, from here on out, when I want to talk intimately with a woman, I'll tell her just why I think titles matter so much. Define that relationship.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Me and the Holidays
It has become increasingly clear that the holidays are not my favorite time of year. It may result from my lack of fortitude in dealing with the society I am surrounded by but I do not know for sure.
As a child, it was a happy time of year for me. My childhood was as inconsistently marred by a need for maturity as it was bolstered by moments of innocent joy. No complaints...not anymore. My mother made sacrifice after sacrifice and there was just no way for me to be grateful enough. Even still, I sicken myself with reflection; changing, growing & improving. Somehow, I have failed to progress even a scintilla, in regards to the holiday season. Some may even argue that I have regressed.
I am a exceedingly thoughtful person. I am not capable of showing displays of purposeless affection, at least, not as I understand it. Meat & potatoes, all day, over here. If you need something, you let me know and I do what I can to help improve that situation. You want a Christmas gift? I'll end up buying the most expensive and pointless thing I can afford. I have been no good at displaying thoughtfulness in that regard. Well, there are the rare occasions but those are by far outweighed by the usual.
In all of this, I have been doing so very poorly these last few years. Mentally, I'm alright. Financially, I haven't been making anything happen and I've been seriously trying to understand how anybody could make anything happen with things being the way they are. What world am I seeing that everyone else finds a way in, while I fail to find anyway that works? What is my biggest obstacle to making progress towards being a reliable and contributing member of my family and the greater society? Who knows?
Let's take a step back. A decade ago, I stepped into a new world of sorts. Dating. Much of my life has been about my interest in women, yet I abstained for the simple concept of discipline(plus, I was a bit more religious back then). Immediately, I learned that people do what they want and fuck you, because well, fuck you. Back when I was younger and unaware of how negativity can leash your heart to emotions based on the time of year, I allowed my resentment to fester in a small wounds and make it much worse. Year after year, I incurred a new wound yet I kept my hopes up. Perhaps, that is what makes me the most "not sane" as I kept trying the consistent, tried and true formula of success, in regards to dating during the holidays: Family first.
Year after year, my emotion climbs high and plummets low. I'm tossed about in an emotionally chaotic fervor of disregard. Yet, I refuse to allow those moments to mark my turning points. I weighed the overall disappointments against the goods and swallowed my sense of pride. I wish people were better people. The winter comes around, bringing the holidays in tow and that's when the ugliness begins to show. My childhood, being what it was, I understand how people have a hard time adjusting each year but their issues are theirs; my issues are mine, except, that's not how it worked out.
Now, years later, I've become a harbinger of horror filled holidays. Much of my internal haranguing never meets the ether or the air, still, it makes a difference. Even as I refuse to speak the negativity, it weighs on my conscience and drowning my thoughts in sadness. I suffer silently. This act erodes my vitality. Enduring such rigors occupies my mind and exhausts me to the point where I neglect my intentions of preparing for the imminent exchanges of consideration and affection. Then I wake up on December 23rd with an empty bank account and no gifts and another year of disappointment in self. Do you know how many nieces and nephews I have? And I don't do for any of them. Not a one. I feel like a pitiful uncle because I wanted to be so much better than that. Truth is, I'm not. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own issues and it's an excuse. I shouldn't allow anything to stop me from being the way I want to be and typically nothing does; except during the holiday.
This year, I want to pull out all the stops. I plan on working my fingers to the bone. If I only ever get one year right, this year has to be the year. If I drop dead from exhaustion and this is my last post, I really hope I gave those who read my words, something worthwhile or even slightly amusing or entertaining or whatever. I am simply tired of the idea that I'll be the same "me" each year. I refuse to allow this jaded bitterness to consume me simply because I keep failing to meet my desire with enough "will" and ambition to make it happen.
Sure, I've probably had it a lot smoother than a lot of folks have had it. My parents really are something else. Still, they contributed to me. For all the good and bad that come with my existence, they share the load of carrying. I have done some amazing things. I'd like to think I've saved a life or two; inspired a soul or two; urged people to be better but I'll never really know. I really just tried to avoid making people worse for knowing me.
If I do make it through these holidays, I probably won't be posting anything new until the new year. I plan on being really strict about my adherence to this determination I'm pledging at this moment. Thanks for everything up until now. Wish me luck.
As a child, it was a happy time of year for me. My childhood was as inconsistently marred by a need for maturity as it was bolstered by moments of innocent joy. No complaints...not anymore. My mother made sacrifice after sacrifice and there was just no way for me to be grateful enough. Even still, I sicken myself with reflection; changing, growing & improving. Somehow, I have failed to progress even a scintilla, in regards to the holiday season. Some may even argue that I have regressed.
I am a exceedingly thoughtful person. I am not capable of showing displays of purposeless affection, at least, not as I understand it. Meat & potatoes, all day, over here. If you need something, you let me know and I do what I can to help improve that situation. You want a Christmas gift? I'll end up buying the most expensive and pointless thing I can afford. I have been no good at displaying thoughtfulness in that regard. Well, there are the rare occasions but those are by far outweighed by the usual.
In all of this, I have been doing so very poorly these last few years. Mentally, I'm alright. Financially, I haven't been making anything happen and I've been seriously trying to understand how anybody could make anything happen with things being the way they are. What world am I seeing that everyone else finds a way in, while I fail to find anyway that works? What is my biggest obstacle to making progress towards being a reliable and contributing member of my family and the greater society? Who knows?
Let's take a step back. A decade ago, I stepped into a new world of sorts. Dating. Much of my life has been about my interest in women, yet I abstained for the simple concept of discipline(plus, I was a bit more religious back then). Immediately, I learned that people do what they want and fuck you, because well, fuck you. Back when I was younger and unaware of how negativity can leash your heart to emotions based on the time of year, I allowed my resentment to fester in a small wounds and make it much worse. Year after year, I incurred a new wound yet I kept my hopes up. Perhaps, that is what makes me the most "not sane" as I kept trying the consistent, tried and true formula of success, in regards to dating during the holidays: Family first.
Year after year, my emotion climbs high and plummets low. I'm tossed about in an emotionally chaotic fervor of disregard. Yet, I refuse to allow those moments to mark my turning points. I weighed the overall disappointments against the goods and swallowed my sense of pride. I wish people were better people. The winter comes around, bringing the holidays in tow and that's when the ugliness begins to show. My childhood, being what it was, I understand how people have a hard time adjusting each year but their issues are theirs; my issues are mine, except, that's not how it worked out.
Now, years later, I've become a harbinger of horror filled holidays. Much of my internal haranguing never meets the ether or the air, still, it makes a difference. Even as I refuse to speak the negativity, it weighs on my conscience and drowning my thoughts in sadness. I suffer silently. This act erodes my vitality. Enduring such rigors occupies my mind and exhausts me to the point where I neglect my intentions of preparing for the imminent exchanges of consideration and affection. Then I wake up on December 23rd with an empty bank account and no gifts and another year of disappointment in self. Do you know how many nieces and nephews I have? And I don't do for any of them. Not a one. I feel like a pitiful uncle because I wanted to be so much better than that. Truth is, I'm not. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own issues and it's an excuse. I shouldn't allow anything to stop me from being the way I want to be and typically nothing does; except during the holiday.
This year, I want to pull out all the stops. I plan on working my fingers to the bone. If I only ever get one year right, this year has to be the year. If I drop dead from exhaustion and this is my last post, I really hope I gave those who read my words, something worthwhile or even slightly amusing or entertaining or whatever. I am simply tired of the idea that I'll be the same "me" each year. I refuse to allow this jaded bitterness to consume me simply because I keep failing to meet my desire with enough "will" and ambition to make it happen.
Sure, I've probably had it a lot smoother than a lot of folks have had it. My parents really are something else. Still, they contributed to me. For all the good and bad that come with my existence, they share the load of carrying. I have done some amazing things. I'd like to think I've saved a life or two; inspired a soul or two; urged people to be better but I'll never really know. I really just tried to avoid making people worse for knowing me.
If I do make it through these holidays, I probably won't be posting anything new until the new year. I plan on being really strict about my adherence to this determination I'm pledging at this moment. Thanks for everything up until now. Wish me luck.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Where, Today I Fall
With me, it's never about excuses. I am working to learn and understand better how I can improve my position in life. It is all I can do. I could have been born with a silver spoon or a talent to play darts with the stars and the moon but that wouldn't mean I lived a happy life.
All of the shiny, fun and great times won't mean as much as learning to be happy to do my work...my life's work.
It may be miserable at times but to see through it to a brighter day, has been the most priceless feeling. The cleansing. The new breath. The beauty of breaking my pain into bite size morsels and enjoying my meal.
That is my will.
All of the shiny, fun and great times won't mean as much as learning to be happy to do my work...my life's work.
It may be miserable at times but to see through it to a brighter day, has been the most priceless feeling. The cleansing. The new breath. The beauty of breaking my pain into bite size morsels and enjoying my meal.
That is my will.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Revisited for the third time
I have written of personal responsibility several times.
I have used slut shaming a few times.
I have used sexual partners a few times.
I probably seemed coarse, arrogant and some other big words that help people feel better after they feel judged.
Let me rephrase: I only care about your sex life if it intersects my sex life. Fellas, every single one of y'all can leave at this point. Our paths will not intersect. Thanks for reading this far tho.
Ladies, I know my opinion may get on your nerves or even offend you. If it does, that's okay, I don't want you. Spend your time finding people who do want you. Not hating people who don't.
Why do I want a woman with a low number? Well, I have several reasons. I'll be as concise as my smart dumb ass will allow me to be.
-I don't have a lot of experience with a lot of women(I want to be well matched)
-The approach of having sex with a lot of people means they aren't as serious as I am.(It is disrespectful to claim otherwise with how they handle sex).
-There aren't that many quality dudes out there for you to go through more men than I have in women and NOT be married. Not possible. I only dodged marriage by sending my girlfriends to other countries...otherwise...I wouldn't be single.
-I can't respect a complete lack of prudent senses
-To be forward thinking and purposeful is a key element of who I am and it inspires an irascible reaction out of the folks who think less seriously of sex than I do.
-I'd never be secure with her. I don't need to have the biggest dick or be the best in the sack. But I can't trust a leopard to change its spots simply because it said it could.
-How horrible are you at working through relationships to have so many that end so rapidly?
I don't think much of whether my list is reasonable or not. I want the person to be capable of understanding my basic motivation isn't sex. Sex won't resolve anything and it can only complicate your situations in life. I have always had a solid understanding of this. How can we be equals if you're just now learning what I've known for a long time? How can we exchange on an even field without me having to lower my head to your ignorance? You may think this is all about my insecurities or the size of my soldier. That would be too convenient. Point the finger at me and try to force me to answer for my views without owning your shit.
Truth is, this isn't about right or wrong. This shit is about compatibility. And I'm simply NOT compatible with a woman who has connected a few too many dots around town. Feel how the fuck you want to about it. As I said in my last post, you can choose who you want to fuck and how often but I can't choose who I want to fuck and how often because I may be using the wrong information to choose? Sorry, not sorry. Your logic is ass. Just keep projecting your opinion and expect opinions like mine. Opinions that you don't like. Opinions that say your opinion is wrong.
And that isn't even the crux of it all. If I choose to have an opinion of your worth, that's my choice. If I base your worth on how many men you've fucked, how does that make me wrong? And let's be clear, we're not talking sex crimes numbers. I know a lot of women have been raped, molested and neglected by our society when it matters most. Don't try and skew the issue with shit like that. It's wrong, should never happened and doesn't count against a woman. All that aside, the men she chooses, those do. Just like the food I eat makes me fat or the crimes I commit make me guilty. The people a person sleeps with makes them undesirable. If all I slept with were Beyonce types, you better damn well bet that women would be more interested in me for no real reason at all. I have seen this to be true. I know it is a scientific truth. When we value a person of the same sex as a competitor, we are more likely to see the person they are with as highly desirable. It's a simple truth. Ask any woman that has walked by me. They get cat calls and mentions of their beauty they never got before. The shock was odd at first but it normalized. Do your own research, you'll find the same things to be true.
Exclusivity is a basic tenant of our innate programming. Men lust after exclusivity from their mates even if they don't want to be exclusive. Women lust after exclusivity from their mates even if they don't want to be exclusive. Human is human. This human however, is only interested in a proper match. It's not like I'm ugly or stupid or have a bad personality. I'm handsome, smart and charming...at times. I have quite literally turned down far more women than I've even found interesting enough to talk to. I want a woman with a certain essence that she isn't willing to share with countless men. I may never find a woman that "fits" me. I may have already found her. My resolve to live up to that standard strengthens with every iteration of this argument. I've known love, warmth, blah blah blah. You might like being loose or whatever you call it. I am not thinking about yours, as I'm busy running through my selections. Believe what you want.
I have quite a few more reasons for why my lady won't have 20 bodies on her. I have an unusual personality. Not just any random woman will be capable of withstanding my ways of doing things and I can only be made fun of so often by somebody who thought the local thug/drug dealer was a good idea for a boyfriend. It's an insult of the ugliest order. You don't get to mock me when you dated a guy who allowed himself to be a victim of his environment. You don't get to act all high and mighty like your too good to do certain jobs when you took dick from a dude and his low rent friends. You don't get to change how you feel and treat me worse than you treated someone who truly didn't deserve you. Those are things I SHOULD take personal. You lower my stock...my price...my worth by doing shit like that. Supply and demand. You supplied the neighborhood but decided I had to wait 90 days? Laughable. Bitter...smarmy...call me what you want. But how self unaware is it to think I'd be the bitter one in the exchange? Remember, I'm the one turning down the offers. I'm the one preserving my sense of self for someone I determines is worthy. I'm not hurt by any of it but I will type about it, especially since it is on my mind. Especially since today, I've decided to take a principled stand against the back handed, undermining grasp of ignorance. This was at the top of the list.
So, what were my arguments?
-incompatible mindset/approach
-extreme differences in belief
-invalid investment in self worth
-major taste differences
We won't get into the STD's or anything like that.
No kids, strong morality, sense of social worth & reputation management.
College degree, employable skills, great family.
But I should settle because she only slept around in college.
But I should settle because all those dudes are in her past.
But I should settle because my ego shouldn't be so....w/e.
But I should settle because you would do it in my position.
How about you manage the game you've played and I'll manage the game I've played.
Deep replay value, more bang for your buck, more character development.
More personal recognizance to speak for me as my past illustrates my character for me.
Every woman I've ever come across will have far more great things than not so good things to say about me. The same goes for my friends. The same for acquaintances. The same for passers-by.
The only people that consistently seem to dislike me are the people I don't give a pass for being walking, talking pieces of shit. They say shit that sounds good most of the time but that one time, I let them know they said something foul, they get mad and gotta make me disappear. It is said to be telling of an interpersonal conflict with who displays the most anger. That is the person who usually has done wrong. The other person is typically unaffected. Of course, that's just an old saying. It simply rings true in the situations I'm thinking of. Tho, there were times when I was the angry party. I remember my outrage was based on the horribly inaccurate perspectives. Also, when in conflict, I spend most of my time clarifying. I have a tendency to argue with people who are saying the same things as myself. I usually only continue those arguments to see when they'll catch on. Sometimes, folk just want to argue. I hate arguing. I try to end the argument with outside, official sources as soon as possible.
But Black women will be the quickest to say some scientific study doesn't apply to them like they are something other than human, then get mad when people hold them to that estimation. I hate the hypocrisy. Still, nobody has ever loved me like a black woman has. My trick to being able to love Black women? Each one is different. Their own persons. Some are really sweet to me. Others are really bitter, salty and shitty to me...all for no reason. Some for other reasons. Nothing I can really do about how they feel. And of course, if you are insecure and lash out because you think I only date white girls, well that's your ignorant assed loss. I've never so much as hugged a white girl too long but I've gotten that same bitter bullshit song and dance from sisters soooo often, it makes you wonder if some of the shit they complain about is retaliation instead of outright assault.
I ain't out here shitting on anybody...ESPECIALLY not Black women. I love them too much. I won't call any out their name. I refuse to diminish them. I've only dated Black women and yet, they still judge me without knowing me. How the hell can they expect to get anywhere treating people that way? First impression: Operation, let's make a new enemy. The fuck is that fresh at? Yeah, I rambled from sex partners to black women. You can stop reading any time. Imma keep going tho. I'm tryna clear 5% of my thoughts. I'm being ambitious. Black women have picked me up when I was down more than anyone else in the world. Unfortunately, if I'm going to be honest, they have put me down more than anyone else in the world. I ignore it but it keeps coming back. I rise above it but they keep the cement shoes on my feet. And the worst feeling of all? That all I want is a black woman to call my queen. One I can feel confident in marrying because she won't selfishly destroy me for being too lost in how she feels about the flavor of the week. As much as women talk the game about men, they want the men that will lead them to destruction. It's some stupid gene in the mind where emotion rules. I don't want them ANYMORE. Give me one where the brain...where thought influences feelings.
I'm not built for those women who can only feel and can't think worth shit. I got a woman that I'm deeply interested in at the moment. She's really sweet. And I thought all these great things about her. I spent time pouring over the little words and gestures....agonizing over the ideas that she shared. I wanted to analyze the compatibility. You see, I came out of hibernation for her. If she isn't worthy, I'd rather just go back into hibernation than anything else. Y'all don't know how I feel but it's hard getting excited for my ABC's when I'm reciting theories and concepts. And a lot of these women out here not deeper than puddles. I can't even get wet in em before it's the bottom of the day. Did I make myself too deep? Fuck you no. I am who I am supposed to be. If there ain't someone who can be on my level, then I don't need to be with them. This new woman, she doesn't sparkle as brightly as some I've seen but that isn't the most essential aspect. Intelligence is not a deal breaker. Personality is far more important. Yeah, I'm smart as shit and sometimes I have a very hard time toning it down. I fly over people's heads so often that some joke that I have actual wings. I don't try to make anybody feel stupid or less smart than me. Never been my goal. I'm always focused on something else. I'm always looking towards a goal. I'm purposeful even without a purpose. I'm passionate even without a desire. I just go. HARD. I do me.
So this woman, I expect a lot from her but I get my hopes up then I see some shit that makes me feel like I bet on the wrong horse. I see her mention this ex shit far too often for me to be comfortable. I'm not the patient type to wait and find out if a person is fucked up mentally. I'll just leave that situation. It's a horrible look. When I want somebody to love me for who I am and they keep checking up on someone who failed to keep them for whatever reasons. That's a way to have me ACTUALLY ANGRY. Which, I might add, is the least fun thing in the world. Not to mention that people seem to be afraid of me in general. All the way lose lose.
While I'm just popping the cap on my thoughts, I'll go ahead and stop there. Lord knows I could type for hours on end and not even touch the 20% marker. Sometimes, the gift and the curse of intelligence, even slight intelligence like mine, is far too much to bear. D'ah well. Eat what you crave. For now, I crave the young lady's attention and affection. Wish me luck. At least I know she was purposeful with her relationships. That much checked out.
Don't be made that there are people like me...you need us....we go behind and correct the wanton reckless failures of folk who don't pay enough attention to detail. LOL
I have used slut shaming a few times.
I have used sexual partners a few times.
I probably seemed coarse, arrogant and some other big words that help people feel better after they feel judged.
Let me rephrase: I only care about your sex life if it intersects my sex life. Fellas, every single one of y'all can leave at this point. Our paths will not intersect. Thanks for reading this far tho.
Ladies, I know my opinion may get on your nerves or even offend you. If it does, that's okay, I don't want you. Spend your time finding people who do want you. Not hating people who don't.
Why do I want a woman with a low number? Well, I have several reasons. I'll be as concise as my smart dumb ass will allow me to be.
-I don't have a lot of experience with a lot of women(I want to be well matched)
-The approach of having sex with a lot of people means they aren't as serious as I am.(It is disrespectful to claim otherwise with how they handle sex).
-There aren't that many quality dudes out there for you to go through more men than I have in women and NOT be married. Not possible. I only dodged marriage by sending my girlfriends to other countries...otherwise...I wouldn't be single.
-I can't respect a complete lack of prudent senses
-To be forward thinking and purposeful is a key element of who I am and it inspires an irascible reaction out of the folks who think less seriously of sex than I do.
-I'd never be secure with her. I don't need to have the biggest dick or be the best in the sack. But I can't trust a leopard to change its spots simply because it said it could.
-How horrible are you at working through relationships to have so many that end so rapidly?
I don't think much of whether my list is reasonable or not. I want the person to be capable of understanding my basic motivation isn't sex. Sex won't resolve anything and it can only complicate your situations in life. I have always had a solid understanding of this. How can we be equals if you're just now learning what I've known for a long time? How can we exchange on an even field without me having to lower my head to your ignorance? You may think this is all about my insecurities or the size of my soldier. That would be too convenient. Point the finger at me and try to force me to answer for my views without owning your shit.
Truth is, this isn't about right or wrong. This shit is about compatibility. And I'm simply NOT compatible with a woman who has connected a few too many dots around town. Feel how the fuck you want to about it. As I said in my last post, you can choose who you want to fuck and how often but I can't choose who I want to fuck and how often because I may be using the wrong information to choose? Sorry, not sorry. Your logic is ass. Just keep projecting your opinion and expect opinions like mine. Opinions that you don't like. Opinions that say your opinion is wrong.
And that isn't even the crux of it all. If I choose to have an opinion of your worth, that's my choice. If I base your worth on how many men you've fucked, how does that make me wrong? And let's be clear, we're not talking sex crimes numbers. I know a lot of women have been raped, molested and neglected by our society when it matters most. Don't try and skew the issue with shit like that. It's wrong, should never happened and doesn't count against a woman. All that aside, the men she chooses, those do. Just like the food I eat makes me fat or the crimes I commit make me guilty. The people a person sleeps with makes them undesirable. If all I slept with were Beyonce types, you better damn well bet that women would be more interested in me for no real reason at all. I have seen this to be true. I know it is a scientific truth. When we value a person of the same sex as a competitor, we are more likely to see the person they are with as highly desirable. It's a simple truth. Ask any woman that has walked by me. They get cat calls and mentions of their beauty they never got before. The shock was odd at first but it normalized. Do your own research, you'll find the same things to be true.
Exclusivity is a basic tenant of our innate programming. Men lust after exclusivity from their mates even if they don't want to be exclusive. Women lust after exclusivity from their mates even if they don't want to be exclusive. Human is human. This human however, is only interested in a proper match. It's not like I'm ugly or stupid or have a bad personality. I'm handsome, smart and charming...at times. I have quite literally turned down far more women than I've even found interesting enough to talk to. I want a woman with a certain essence that she isn't willing to share with countless men. I may never find a woman that "fits" me. I may have already found her. My resolve to live up to that standard strengthens with every iteration of this argument. I've known love, warmth, blah blah blah. You might like being loose or whatever you call it. I am not thinking about yours, as I'm busy running through my selections. Believe what you want.
I have quite a few more reasons for why my lady won't have 20 bodies on her. I have an unusual personality. Not just any random woman will be capable of withstanding my ways of doing things and I can only be made fun of so often by somebody who thought the local thug/drug dealer was a good idea for a boyfriend. It's an insult of the ugliest order. You don't get to mock me when you dated a guy who allowed himself to be a victim of his environment. You don't get to act all high and mighty like your too good to do certain jobs when you took dick from a dude and his low rent friends. You don't get to change how you feel and treat me worse than you treated someone who truly didn't deserve you. Those are things I SHOULD take personal. You lower my stock...my price...my worth by doing shit like that. Supply and demand. You supplied the neighborhood but decided I had to wait 90 days? Laughable. Bitter...smarmy...call me what you want. But how self unaware is it to think I'd be the bitter one in the exchange? Remember, I'm the one turning down the offers. I'm the one preserving my sense of self for someone I determines is worthy. I'm not hurt by any of it but I will type about it, especially since it is on my mind. Especially since today, I've decided to take a principled stand against the back handed, undermining grasp of ignorance. This was at the top of the list.
So, what were my arguments?
-incompatible mindset/approach
-extreme differences in belief
-invalid investment in self worth
-major taste differences
We won't get into the STD's or anything like that.
No kids, strong morality, sense of social worth & reputation management.
College degree, employable skills, great family.
But I should settle because she only slept around in college.
But I should settle because all those dudes are in her past.
But I should settle because my ego shouldn't be so....w/e.
But I should settle because you would do it in my position.
How about you manage the game you've played and I'll manage the game I've played.
Deep replay value, more bang for your buck, more character development.
More personal recognizance to speak for me as my past illustrates my character for me.
Every woman I've ever come across will have far more great things than not so good things to say about me. The same goes for my friends. The same for acquaintances. The same for passers-by.
The only people that consistently seem to dislike me are the people I don't give a pass for being walking, talking pieces of shit. They say shit that sounds good most of the time but that one time, I let them know they said something foul, they get mad and gotta make me disappear. It is said to be telling of an interpersonal conflict with who displays the most anger. That is the person who usually has done wrong. The other person is typically unaffected. Of course, that's just an old saying. It simply rings true in the situations I'm thinking of. Tho, there were times when I was the angry party. I remember my outrage was based on the horribly inaccurate perspectives. Also, when in conflict, I spend most of my time clarifying. I have a tendency to argue with people who are saying the same things as myself. I usually only continue those arguments to see when they'll catch on. Sometimes, folk just want to argue. I hate arguing. I try to end the argument with outside, official sources as soon as possible.
But Black women will be the quickest to say some scientific study doesn't apply to them like they are something other than human, then get mad when people hold them to that estimation. I hate the hypocrisy. Still, nobody has ever loved me like a black woman has. My trick to being able to love Black women? Each one is different. Their own persons. Some are really sweet to me. Others are really bitter, salty and shitty to me...all for no reason. Some for other reasons. Nothing I can really do about how they feel. And of course, if you are insecure and lash out because you think I only date white girls, well that's your ignorant assed loss. I've never so much as hugged a white girl too long but I've gotten that same bitter bullshit song and dance from sisters soooo often, it makes you wonder if some of the shit they complain about is retaliation instead of outright assault.
I ain't out here shitting on anybody...ESPECIALLY not Black women. I love them too much. I won't call any out their name. I refuse to diminish them. I've only dated Black women and yet, they still judge me without knowing me. How the hell can they expect to get anywhere treating people that way? First impression: Operation, let's make a new enemy. The fuck is that fresh at? Yeah, I rambled from sex partners to black women. You can stop reading any time. Imma keep going tho. I'm tryna clear 5% of my thoughts. I'm being ambitious. Black women have picked me up when I was down more than anyone else in the world. Unfortunately, if I'm going to be honest, they have put me down more than anyone else in the world. I ignore it but it keeps coming back. I rise above it but they keep the cement shoes on my feet. And the worst feeling of all? That all I want is a black woman to call my queen. One I can feel confident in marrying because she won't selfishly destroy me for being too lost in how she feels about the flavor of the week. As much as women talk the game about men, they want the men that will lead them to destruction. It's some stupid gene in the mind where emotion rules. I don't want them ANYMORE. Give me one where the brain...where thought influences feelings.
I'm not built for those women who can only feel and can't think worth shit. I got a woman that I'm deeply interested in at the moment. She's really sweet. And I thought all these great things about her. I spent time pouring over the little words and gestures....agonizing over the ideas that she shared. I wanted to analyze the compatibility. You see, I came out of hibernation for her. If she isn't worthy, I'd rather just go back into hibernation than anything else. Y'all don't know how I feel but it's hard getting excited for my ABC's when I'm reciting theories and concepts. And a lot of these women out here not deeper than puddles. I can't even get wet in em before it's the bottom of the day. Did I make myself too deep? Fuck you no. I am who I am supposed to be. If there ain't someone who can be on my level, then I don't need to be with them. This new woman, she doesn't sparkle as brightly as some I've seen but that isn't the most essential aspect. Intelligence is not a deal breaker. Personality is far more important. Yeah, I'm smart as shit and sometimes I have a very hard time toning it down. I fly over people's heads so often that some joke that I have actual wings. I don't try to make anybody feel stupid or less smart than me. Never been my goal. I'm always focused on something else. I'm always looking towards a goal. I'm purposeful even without a purpose. I'm passionate even without a desire. I just go. HARD. I do me.
So this woman, I expect a lot from her but I get my hopes up then I see some shit that makes me feel like I bet on the wrong horse. I see her mention this ex shit far too often for me to be comfortable. I'm not the patient type to wait and find out if a person is fucked up mentally. I'll just leave that situation. It's a horrible look. When I want somebody to love me for who I am and they keep checking up on someone who failed to keep them for whatever reasons. That's a way to have me ACTUALLY ANGRY. Which, I might add, is the least fun thing in the world. Not to mention that people seem to be afraid of me in general. All the way lose lose.
While I'm just popping the cap on my thoughts, I'll go ahead and stop there. Lord knows I could type for hours on end and not even touch the 20% marker. Sometimes, the gift and the curse of intelligence, even slight intelligence like mine, is far too much to bear. D'ah well. Eat what you crave. For now, I crave the young lady's attention and affection. Wish me luck. At least I know she was purposeful with her relationships. That much checked out.
Don't be made that there are people like me...you need us....we go behind and correct the wanton reckless failures of folk who don't pay enough attention to detail. LOL
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Ain't NOBODY got shit on me! Bruh, SOMEBODY gotta have shit on you!
I feel this way; both ways.
I feel like nobody does what I do as well as I do it, especially not the way I do it. There's only one me, right?
Personality wise, I feel incredible. I mean, I am aight. Patient and slow to come to conclusions. Purposeful and not one to hesitate. Encouraging and blah blah blah.
There are countless folks who see things their way and that's it. Who have mastered the art of dominating social interaction. But that's an easy trail to blaze. It's rather sociopathic as well. BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP....
You have guys who are so anti-homosexuality that they seem suspect. Or they are so adamantly against feminist ideologies that they actually think feminism hurts women. LOL. To be fair, I have come across a shit ton of feminist that honestly missed the point. That does not lend itself to other feminists or feminism altogether. I believe I am a feminist. After all, I am for equality. Not the equality that looks cute but real shit. Not the, "You should pay for everything but we're equal in every way" type equality. That's stupid. You can argue that some social standards SHOULD remain. However, if the social standard is based on a gender bias BUT it works for your advantage and you refuse to argue against it, you aren't fighting a good fight, you're just taking advantage of the situation...the same thing sexism had been doing. It's ironic how easily the hypocrites fail to see that they don't pass the smell test. And it goes further like with slut shaming.
Slut shaming, where you say, "Hey woman, how many men have you fucked?" and she replies with some number too big for your ego "XX". To which, you reply, "OMG, you're so fuckin' loose that I am disgusted!!!". Here's the problem with that...SO! Nobody told you to open your legs. You did it. If you were worried about what people would call you, perhaps you should have been slower to act. Sex literally makes some people sick to the stomach. But your right to have sex AS APPOINTED BY SOCIETY somehow undermines an individual of his right to not want to be with a woman with "XX" partners? The fuck kind of logic is that? I do what I want BUT you don't get to do what you want? I'm just pointing out the hypocrisy. I don't care if that man slept with more women than you slept with men. You must want him(or his money) to even be upset by what he says. You won't catch me slut shaming folks. I do not care who you fuck. Not at all. I'm also, not interested in you.
I have had a very low number of sex partners. I'm still in the single digits. The fuck kinda stupid would I be to want a woman who threw sex out to anybody who asked for it? I want someone who has consistently and hopefully, always, held a similar belief. Someone who could suffer through being alone. Who decided to not use people to fill the voids in her heart. And I'm wrong because I want to know how many people you have fucked because, TO ME, it establishes a lack of moral fiber? Let me tell you what kind of car you should drive...then you can talk to me about how I should feel about sexual partners. Fuck kind of narrow minded hypocrisy is it?
Women out here, telling men they ain't shit because they don't have jobs or careers, getting FUCKED ALL THE WAY OVER by guys with jobs or careers because having a job makes you a good person? Smart? Worthwhile? "
No, you don't only get warm with fire, if you get too close then the fire will burn you."
The point is, people want to be seen as smart, worthy and attractive but the truth is, these folks do not think for themselves. They follow tropes and fail understanding. You can say whatever you want to me. I'm not above being wrong or learning from people. Shit, I've learned a lot from people who don't understand shit. But every woman I've touched and every friend I've made, has gained something valuable from me. I have not minced my words nor have I diluted my intention. I scare people with my honesty. I am not weak willed yet I have been in retreat ALL YEAR. I don't like lies but I understand how they are necessary. I need you to understand, the way I am does not need to change. I see how I reject the world and all of the facade we buy into on a daily. I'm not some spiritual negro... Hell, I refuse the term in every way except the superficial social description. I simply wasn't raised as a black. My self identity is not black. Other people have rarely been successful in leashing my persona to a term. The only things that folks were successful with were leashing me to the fear of violence. It is real. And even still, I got away from violence by using my tongue to either break the scenario down to investment strategies or apologizing my way out of shit I did not desire.
You cannot inflame me into action. THAT IS NOT HOW I WORK. I choose. If I want you, I pursue you. I refuse to pursue ephemeral pleasures. I cannot discern the quality of those whom I might pursue. I've seen plenty of beautiful women out at clubs, bars and restaurants who give me signals. I don't trust them nor do I trust that. It all speaks ill to my sense of omens. Very rarely anyways. Even still, not a lot of conviction in that venue.
I don't really care what the arguments are, as long as the side being argued is not attempting to take advantage of the ignorance of the other side. Capitalist doing capitalist things I guess. I just don't like it. Honest business....ykw...nah...it is what it is. Not that I'm trying to change any minds. Being honest is difficult and lying is so much easier to do. Easier to live with. More profitable. I can't blame folks, really. I just don't like it. Oh well.
Ain't nobody got shit on me.
I feel like nobody does what I do as well as I do it, especially not the way I do it. There's only one me, right?
Personality wise, I feel incredible. I mean, I am aight. Patient and slow to come to conclusions. Purposeful and not one to hesitate. Encouraging and blah blah blah.
There are countless folks who see things their way and that's it. Who have mastered the art of dominating social interaction. But that's an easy trail to blaze. It's rather sociopathic as well. BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP....
You have guys who are so anti-homosexuality that they seem suspect. Or they are so adamantly against feminist ideologies that they actually think feminism hurts women. LOL. To be fair, I have come across a shit ton of feminist that honestly missed the point. That does not lend itself to other feminists or feminism altogether. I believe I am a feminist. After all, I am for equality. Not the equality that looks cute but real shit. Not the, "You should pay for everything but we're equal in every way" type equality. That's stupid. You can argue that some social standards SHOULD remain. However, if the social standard is based on a gender bias BUT it works for your advantage and you refuse to argue against it, you aren't fighting a good fight, you're just taking advantage of the situation...the same thing sexism had been doing. It's ironic how easily the hypocrites fail to see that they don't pass the smell test. And it goes further like with slut shaming.
Slut shaming, where you say, "Hey woman, how many men have you fucked?" and she replies with some number too big for your ego "XX". To which, you reply, "OMG, you're so fuckin' loose that I am disgusted!!!". Here's the problem with that...SO! Nobody told you to open your legs. You did it. If you were worried about what people would call you, perhaps you should have been slower to act. Sex literally makes some people sick to the stomach. But your right to have sex AS APPOINTED BY SOCIETY somehow undermines an individual of his right to not want to be with a woman with "XX" partners? The fuck kind of logic is that? I do what I want BUT you don't get to do what you want? I'm just pointing out the hypocrisy. I don't care if that man slept with more women than you slept with men. You must want him(or his money) to even be upset by what he says. You won't catch me slut shaming folks. I do not care who you fuck. Not at all. I'm also, not interested in you.
I have had a very low number of sex partners. I'm still in the single digits. The fuck kinda stupid would I be to want a woman who threw sex out to anybody who asked for it? I want someone who has consistently and hopefully, always, held a similar belief. Someone who could suffer through being alone. Who decided to not use people to fill the voids in her heart. And I'm wrong because I want to know how many people you have fucked because, TO ME, it establishes a lack of moral fiber? Let me tell you what kind of car you should drive...then you can talk to me about how I should feel about sexual partners. Fuck kind of narrow minded hypocrisy is it?
Women out here, telling men they ain't shit because they don't have jobs or careers, getting FUCKED ALL THE WAY OVER by guys with jobs or careers because having a job makes you a good person? Smart? Worthwhile? "
No, you don't only get warm with fire, if you get too close then the fire will burn you."
The point is, people want to be seen as smart, worthy and attractive but the truth is, these folks do not think for themselves. They follow tropes and fail understanding. You can say whatever you want to me. I'm not above being wrong or learning from people. Shit, I've learned a lot from people who don't understand shit. But every woman I've touched and every friend I've made, has gained something valuable from me. I have not minced my words nor have I diluted my intention. I scare people with my honesty. I am not weak willed yet I have been in retreat ALL YEAR. I don't like lies but I understand how they are necessary. I need you to understand, the way I am does not need to change. I see how I reject the world and all of the facade we buy into on a daily. I'm not some spiritual negro... Hell, I refuse the term in every way except the superficial social description. I simply wasn't raised as a black. My self identity is not black. Other people have rarely been successful in leashing my persona to a term. The only things that folks were successful with were leashing me to the fear of violence. It is real. And even still, I got away from violence by using my tongue to either break the scenario down to investment strategies or apologizing my way out of shit I did not desire.
You cannot inflame me into action. THAT IS NOT HOW I WORK. I choose. If I want you, I pursue you. I refuse to pursue ephemeral pleasures. I cannot discern the quality of those whom I might pursue. I've seen plenty of beautiful women out at clubs, bars and restaurants who give me signals. I don't trust them nor do I trust that. It all speaks ill to my sense of omens. Very rarely anyways. Even still, not a lot of conviction in that venue.
I don't really care what the arguments are, as long as the side being argued is not attempting to take advantage of the ignorance of the other side. Capitalist doing capitalist things I guess. I just don't like it. Honest business....ykw...nah...it is what it is. Not that I'm trying to change any minds. Being honest is difficult and lying is so much easier to do. Easier to live with. More profitable. I can't blame folks, really. I just don't like it. Oh well.
Ain't nobody got shit on me.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Nothing Against You
I had a fit. If you read my prior entry, you will discern a disturbance in my sense of internal peace. I was given a hard to swallow truth. I took it pretty hard -even for me.
Many of you(if not all of you) know that I have spent the last year unmotivated to find proper employment or to embark upon a career. I was shiftless and made few excuses for my dereliction. My audacity was nearly to the point of glorifying my particular weaknesses. I hate to admit how lowly I have come to realize my depth. I do not have the right to look another man in the eye and claim equality when I have yet to truly try. It is convenient of me to demand equality when I have not earned it. Sure, some have done far less or even require far less to rightfully demand more. That sucks. I still must put in my effort.
If I mean to offer no excuses, then my application of "not excusing" should be absolute and impartial. Instead, I continue to find various loopholes that I have hidden like errant Easter eggs, to give myself an easy out. Regardless of how I feel, I must move. Regardless of what is wrong or corrupt, I must move. At this point, I am reminded of a quote that has become somewhat popular in recent years(I believe the recession had a lot to do with that):
"Being enlightened is no longer enough, you must apply
Being willing is no longer acceptable, you must do."
Some among you may noticed that I have used this before. Indeed. When it no longer has a purposeful invocation, I will cease to beckon & borrow wisdom from it. Until that day comes, I will continue to find new ways to get over myself and my emotional reactions. I admit it is a hard thing to do. I have far to go. I like to channel my anger into getting over myself. Sometimes, the path is fairly short like yesterday's eruption. Other times, the turmoil goes undetected. I can only see what my eyes define and my experience illustrates as having value. For now, "purpose" has a much greater value than most things and that is what I am working toward.
Although the threat of employment is imminent, I was prodded into not being too accepting. Perhaps, I should not take that anything is guaranteed. I will be made to work for every scrap my fingers draw from the pile of scraps. And if I am to place myself into a career field, I need to do a perfunctory assessment of what all of that means for me.
I am too determined to do things my way. That is unhealthy. Not that I cannot acclimate to more structured environments, simply that I go into a different version of the guy everybody knows. I work extremely well within hierarchies. I do not work well in free flowing crap slinging contests. For you or anyone to understand that difference, you would actually need to know me, listen to my intent underneath and behind my words(or just watch as I wilt all over twitter). The world is too efficient at jading the way we see things. Everybody a critic; everybody a cynic.
You're either this or that. I like being between those. That was the source of my conflict. Conditionally claiming both to look good under criticism. My hopefulness. My positivity. My certainty. I used them all as shields to deflect the criticism. Childishly. Anyway, I'm hoping to dump who I was yesterday/today for who I can be tomorrow. I am still cheating. I am still taking advantage of my best attributes. At this point, I have grown desperate and will not mind being faulted for relying on whatever I can.
Perhaps, this drive...this sense of determination is what I have been secretly relying upon. Knowing it exists is enough to skew the results. Especially, if merely being watched can alter an outcome. And that much is certainly true. The "Observation effect" is still valid. Watch me. Change the outcome.
Many of you(if not all of you) know that I have spent the last year unmotivated to find proper employment or to embark upon a career. I was shiftless and made few excuses for my dereliction. My audacity was nearly to the point of glorifying my particular weaknesses. I hate to admit how lowly I have come to realize my depth. I do not have the right to look another man in the eye and claim equality when I have yet to truly try. It is convenient of me to demand equality when I have not earned it. Sure, some have done far less or even require far less to rightfully demand more. That sucks. I still must put in my effort.
If I mean to offer no excuses, then my application of "not excusing" should be absolute and impartial. Instead, I continue to find various loopholes that I have hidden like errant Easter eggs, to give myself an easy out. Regardless of how I feel, I must move. Regardless of what is wrong or corrupt, I must move. At this point, I am reminded of a quote that has become somewhat popular in recent years(I believe the recession had a lot to do with that):
"Being enlightened is no longer enough, you must apply
Being willing is no longer acceptable, you must do."
Some among you may noticed that I have used this before. Indeed. When it no longer has a purposeful invocation, I will cease to beckon & borrow wisdom from it. Until that day comes, I will continue to find new ways to get over myself and my emotional reactions. I admit it is a hard thing to do. I have far to go. I like to channel my anger into getting over myself. Sometimes, the path is fairly short like yesterday's eruption. Other times, the turmoil goes undetected. I can only see what my eyes define and my experience illustrates as having value. For now, "purpose" has a much greater value than most things and that is what I am working toward.
Although the threat of employment is imminent, I was prodded into not being too accepting. Perhaps, I should not take that anything is guaranteed. I will be made to work for every scrap my fingers draw from the pile of scraps. And if I am to place myself into a career field, I need to do a perfunctory assessment of what all of that means for me.
I am too determined to do things my way. That is unhealthy. Not that I cannot acclimate to more structured environments, simply that I go into a different version of the guy everybody knows. I work extremely well within hierarchies. I do not work well in free flowing crap slinging contests. For you or anyone to understand that difference, you would actually need to know me, listen to my intent underneath and behind my words(or just watch as I wilt all over twitter). The world is too efficient at jading the way we see things. Everybody a critic; everybody a cynic.
You're either this or that. I like being between those. That was the source of my conflict. Conditionally claiming both to look good under criticism. My hopefulness. My positivity. My certainty. I used them all as shields to deflect the criticism. Childishly. Anyway, I'm hoping to dump who I was yesterday/today for who I can be tomorrow. I am still cheating. I am still taking advantage of my best attributes. At this point, I have grown desperate and will not mind being faulted for relying on whatever I can.
Perhaps, this drive...this sense of determination is what I have been secretly relying upon. Knowing it exists is enough to skew the results. Especially, if merely being watched can alter an outcome. And that much is certainly true. The "Observation effect" is still valid. Watch me. Change the outcome.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Dumb
Of the countless amazing things I have experienced in my short life, the most incredible was feeling understood. It lasted for such a fragmented moment that I cannot tell if things really went as I remembered or if I just imagined my joy.
I am a tortured soul, not because anybody tortured me but because of how I torture myself in believing and having hope. People aren't built like me for a reason. Black people aren't built like me for a reason. To look in the face of all of these facts and pretend the only thing that matters is what I do? Even on my best day, I know that circumstance trumps all.
I am a tortured soul, not because anybody tortured me but because of how I torture myself in believing and having hope. People aren't built like me for a reason. Black people aren't built like me for a reason. To look in the face of all of these facts and pretend the only thing that matters is what I do? Even on my best day, I know that circumstance trumps all.
I win a lot. More than my fair share, some would say. I also lose more than I win. I lose so much that the bitter taste has become enjoyable and sustaining. I am not for the weak at heart. My thoughts are more potent than the strongest of coffees. My emotions are more intoxicating than the truest of wines. I am that pure and uncut. The unfortunate truth behind that is few people can take a dose of me and not OD. To cut my purity, I get high on others. I try to keep myself distracted.
People fail to grasp how I work. The techniques I use and, oddly enough, mind numbingly dull conversation is thrilling to them. It almost doesn't matter who I am talking with. People pretend too much for my liking. There is a ton of shit I do not know. I don't pretend I know more than I do. I have been dealing with small minded folk who relish pointing out the facts that they feel, elevate them above you. Cool, you excluded somebody. Great job.
I am so sick of working harder to be a decent human being every day. Why try when there is nothing but trolls around me? Isolated and becoming more distant every day. Seeing the battle of good versus evil and not being involved is tearing me apart. I did try to push people toward an understanding but now, I just watch the stupid shit roll by. My heart is emptying and I don't feel sad about it. I don't feel anything at all.
All of my excitement and positivity that came from how people remembered the old me. All of the positive words and encouragement I received, feels pointless. I'm sickened by my lot in life. Not because I feel I failed. I feel sick because I see how horribly the world has failed. How resilient the masses are in doing a minimal to change things. How silly the entire idea of using thought to make things matter.
See, in the core of how I am, who I am, is the basis of how I interact with others. If I need to change that core, I may never truly care about others again. Who cares, right? What's it matter to any of you? I wouldn't say it does. It could. And that should be the scary thought. A good guy gone evil is one of the scariest things walking the earth.
Now, people may read this and start using half-assed assumptive logic to conclude that I'm just having a hard time or I'm not getting my way or I'm griping about low paying employment. Well, it's nothing of the sort. These are the thoughts of after taste...after I have a conversation with a person. These are the thoughts of shock and awe at the callous disregard I see others exhibit in traffic. Most of all these are the thoughts that respond to excuses, justifications and hypocrisy.
I'm not enraged but I am discontent. I'm not outwardly, nor inwardly destructive. I cannot change this horrible world. I do not have the spark necessary to convert a city nor a nation of zombies. It just is what it is and I need to better learn to disguise how I really feel because nobody can take it. I'll let the coward come out to play. That seems like who everybody wants anyway. The coward.
It's never just one thing, not just one straw but the straw the breaks the camels back; the ounce that sinks the ship; the difference between not making it another second and lasting for the foreseeable future. And I cannot help but feel as if I hit that point while trying to find something; anything that could work for me. I have failed yet again. One more loss. Another loss. What more can I say?
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