Enjoyment

Innumerably enjoyable people. Endless laughter; infinite affection.

First meeting and yet they feel like old acquaintances. Engaging & captivating; these people fit perfectly into the flow of time. Placid in the midst of chaos. Focused in the expanse of despair.

Sometimes, I only like certain minor aspects of the person while other times I will like most of what I encounter during interacting with them. Most nobody can tell the difference in my expressions of excitement and acceptance.

There are those rare people who awaken within me, a veritable Sun(of passion). My problem with this type of person is that I often get caught staring at the Sun too long.

Awesome people. Hard to describe. There are those who accomplish tons but that don't make 'em awesome. There are those who just make friends easily but that don't make them awesome. What makes a person awesome is all based on what the individual judging appreciates. I appreciate people that use honesty, character and intellect to move forward in life. They practice their skill and they do their bests.

I enjoy those people.

There are some that have become derelict and become liars(indirectly or directly); who have compromised their honor in a charade for necessity; out of a weakness or lack. I typically feel betrayed by these people. When I come to (from staring at the Sun too long), I find that the Sun has moved on without me. And it burns. There are few of my ilk. It is a very saddening thing to lose one. All the same, the enjoyment is key.

What do you enjoy? About people? What do you dislike about people you can no longer you can enjoy?

Tepid Confessions

I watched some show called "tough love New Orleans". On that show, they were giving slight recaps of the growth of each woman. They get to the Black woman. She was stuck in her past and sabotaging her future by not moving forward. Her ex popped up and they vibed pretty good. She asked him if they might have a future together and he was like "maybe". She took that news back to the shows host. The host got upset because he knew this was a set back and had seen it all before. He shoots inquiries to the ex and the ex responds frankly and with decisive focus. Unequivocally, no future for the Black woman with him. As she watched the footage of his clearly self-adjusted perspectives, she broke down. It was unfair to her. He is not a man and won't be any time soon.

I related to that woman. When somebody refuses to give you their all, it ain't because they are stuck somewhere and don't know how to leave. It is because they are secretly telling you that you just aren't what they want. You do not fit the bill. And we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves that things are great. We tell ourselves that there is endless amounts of hope and potential. The truth is, that is no land for one sided connections. That person does not want you. Take your thirsty ass on. Give up on the dream with them because it will never be, even if it does come true someday. Trust.

I'm stubborn. I'm a believer. I'm a dreamer. I'm a fool. And that is what it takes to truly love but the pain will never be worthwhile. The learning, opportunity & experience/scenario as aspects of the connection that should not be underestimated. Really, keep it moving when the person isn't feeding your needs. Simple truth is I've been in some shitty relationships but I thought they were great because my standards are so low. The worse part is that these women always tell me that my standards are too high. They claim that I don't accept them for who they are but they come with endless conditions like I gotta have a job, gotta be tall enough, gotta be handsome, gotta have good dick, gotta be all these things but they ain't gotta be who I'm seeking?

I have dealt with quite a bit of myopic hypocrisy. I have this many(___)sads behind it. Most people are the same/similar. Every one gotta be a critic. Everyone gotta be the top, most intelligent person. There is rarely any humility floating around. And from my experience, the first people to mention any description(esp. to the lacking effect) are typically the people with the lowest capacity for that trait. Such is a bitter irony of life. It jades and it burns. And instead of growing, people choose to never learn. Again, the sads.

I've been called a litany of insults simply because I did not agree with people. There is no such thing as talking to fools. Talking to fools morphs into arguing with fools, regardless of the qualities of your voice. The only route is silence. Avoidance. Snobbing. And guess what...that simple truth is a jading, emotional tumult. The bright side is that your frustration doesn't grow because of their ignorance. It is merely a consistent feed of indignation at the simplicity of these automatons.

Whether I cared about humanity before or what ever, I suppose that hasn't changed but I am jading...giving up....going through a cessation of fucks manufacturing. Demand had already out paced production. That means I am fresh out of fucks to give. Hedgehog's dilemma. Fuck a hog.

Complaints

At least one person in this world will have an immediate connection to the title. But I don't want you to think this song is about you(only some of it is).

Complaints are a sign of discomfort, dissatisfaction or displeasure. (IDC if those are damn near synonyms).

Speak up. Don't live in frustration and drag other people into a melancholy ambiance every time they are around you. I believe that communication overcomes trying to soldier through stuff silently. After all, you cannot bottle your internal dissonance and keep a smile on your face, especially when you don't see the situation as life and death.


 I have a few complaints. I might as well just list them despite not having a limit in mind.
COMPLAINT #1:
WOMEN.

 They just seem to want to dog me. They are either dumb or doing a damn good job playing dumb. Inconsiderate. No, it would not be a good look for you to stay with your ex and try to build a relationship with me; how could that make any sense to you? No, it is not a good idea to cry over some dude from your past because he is finally moving forward. No, it is not a good idea to limit your time with me because you have a hard time dealing with your task at hand without it getting in the way of our connection. No, you cannot expect that you will be respected if all I feel like is that you've been disrespecting me...what kind of bullshit is that?
Re: Women will ask you to do the dumbest shit for her to enjoy her time with another man; for you to be where you were before you met her minus an abundance of resources. Women just don't make any got damn sense and expect this shit to fly out the kindness of your heart/soul just because you may observe a religion. It is that kind of bullshit that will sap a muthafucka of all the heart and love and passion that he ever had. Because all you can do is try. It ain't fuck all women but definitely FUCK WOMEN IN GENERAL. 

COMPLAINT #2:
WHITE FOLK(Men in particular).

 How much fear can whites have in general to be afraid of EVERY GOT DAMN BLACK MAN? Let me guess, we are all criminal masterminds, elephant dick slangin, violent, unevolved and under intelligent beasts, right? An incredible amount of this social dogma surrounding Blacks in general are propogated by fearful, ignorant and isolated white folk. Don't know shit but swear they know everything because they heard that somebody read a few words outta an old book and decided that the person knew everything they talked about. I swear. White & Black wouldn't be an issue if there wasn't such a fucking difference in how Whites were constantly treating Blacks.

 Now, you may ask why I focused on that...well, at every milestone of the social interaction, whites controlled the conversation. They control the laws. Look at the crack compared to the cocaine, the marijuana compared to the XTC or any other slightly higher end drug. Whites merely assume the worse about you the darker your skin is. Watching BAIT about planted cars. They actually let the little mexicans go with a warning and even called the lil italian kid a GOOD Samaritan despite him joy riding the Escalade around the block. But the Black guy who hopped in and out was guilty because WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WOULD HAVE EVENTUALLY done with the car. This shit could barely be more blatant. But people don't see shit because it reinforces their stereotypical beliefs subtly & it doesn't effect them in any meaningful way. Division is a simple math and even simpler when you have access to the root of social interaction: LAW.


COMPLAINT #3:

Idealism.

 You know what...that should be enough on that topic. It is obvious that fact is stranger than fiction. I don't really need to detail how horribly inaccurate you would be if you stuck to textbook application of logic. I tell you what. Naw yo, b, I cannot even go any further...I'm hot yo...this illin ass system got my mad heated with they iggin asses. Grrr...(okay, I ain't really mad but the game is back on...so, I'm just gon' go back and watch it. Fuck a draft)

Grasping Insecurity

During this just passed week, there were two days in which I could have barely felt more insecure. I questioned & doubted every aspect of my life that I came to experience. That sucked. The sensation was unexpected and overwhelming. The days after that, I was brimming with confidence. Nothing could tear me down and even the doubts I experienced were no more unsettling than a gentle breeze. I question whether these are the beginnings of a psychosis or neurosis. I can comfortably question myself & sanity because there is nothing intimidating about sanity (or the lack thereof)to me. I began writing an overview of a fantasy novel. Not sure why, but I truly felt compelled. It was barely 400 words. I want to get to at least 10,000 words before I begin sharing too much about the ideas. For all I know, there is already a movie in the works. But I'm going to continue with my ideas until I can no longer swear to being the composer/originator/creator. A great deal of my thoughts of lack were focused on my skill. In every sense, I felt inadequate. I felt worthless. Coming up from the Nadir to hit a Zenith and slowly but surely level off doesn't seem very normal. I have needed to regulate my emotions for quite some time. Dating back to childhood, I didn't have much in the way of coddling. I wish I had. I wished for more hugs and asked for them. I rarely received them. Now, women call me clingy. I'll be that. I need what I need. And I do not need some woman who cannot accept that part of me. Insecurity and all aside, I cannot imagine being any other way than I am. I wouldn't like that person as much as I like this one. And I realize that I've been rambling. Well, looks like today was a day to vent. Meh well.

If I were to study the graphs of my emotional state, I wonder what the readout would illustrate. Would it be of a predominantly happy person, prone to paroxysms? Or, would it be of a morose, ponder prone & pensive panderer? At the moment, only God knows. And that's if you believe in him.

Law of Man

I will never understand the "law of man". It nearly voids the humanity of any person who errs against. A self righteous application despite moral deficits make it a very subjective "thing". Moreover, I view the "Law of Man" as such: the flock is bred and born into a system with which they are herded constantly. The "grayer" sheep stray while the "black" sheep are ostracized. The "white" sheep are the flow & follow of the flock. Often, the "grayer" sheep are mistaken for the "black" sheep and treated as such. Thereby invalidating their humanity. It ain't hard to tell or is it? The breakdown: The white sheep are the mindless drones of narrow-minded, often religious fanatic, ne'er do great but perennial do well types; the grayer sheep are those who either learned to think for themselves or simply became rebels without a cause because of the apparent flaws in the white sheep & the black sheep are those among us who are socially broken, derelict and despicable. I have a brother that is incarcerated. He will have no life if he manages to survive until his release date and the worst part of all is that he wasn't but a bystander to a third rate crime against a compromised party, who had all the motive for subterfuge that one would need. Nobody was murdered, scarred or diminished to crime and yet his life is virtually forfeit. If we had money, his life would have been lived without the weight of iron prison bars. His pain is my pain. I grew up without a father and the closest thing I had lay with him as he sleep. But he was gone by my twelfth birthday. The system is flawed and designed to target those with a permanent color to their skin. Why? I truly do not know. I have several thoughts on the matter. Blacks are more likely to push the limits. As bad as this sounds, I feel as if there remains a residual tone of resentment from slavery and the restrictions of the Jim Crow laws. There seems to be a flow of ingenuity coursing through the belly of the Black diaspora. When we have greater percentages both locked up for illegal inventiveness and praised for scientific dedication. Given that the greater percentage of the U.S. is White, the vast majority of inventions should hail from that demographic but clearly, necessity is the mother of invention, not Susie Q. Excuse me, I am not race baiting so much as I am clarifying that the focus of the law is wrong and that what it seems to be directed at is an underlying fear of inferiority at Black minds and potential instead of criminals and crime. I am biased. There is not a single doubt in that. My life has been thrown into a non-essential struggle based merely on the happening of a genetically predetermined chromatic institution called: black mother, black child. All I can do is laugh because even when I lose, all I do is win.

Pay my dues

I paid my dues. Got nowhere from whence I came. Basically, I am where I started. Older. Hopeless. Feeling helpless. If I learned from my lessons and still exist directionless, then what could I possibly have learned? Imbalanced people keep tugging hard on one side and pull me off balance. I cannot, will not & refuse to help anyone else. Going for mine. Going for broke. Sick to my stomach.

Few Words to Share

I have been fairly quiet in this, the Western Calendar year 2012. Why? Because I have come to not need to express myself. I do not really know. I am deeply emotional. Still. Constantly reassessing my actions and my thoughts. I want to illicit the kind of response from people that reflect my passionately earned worth. Yet, it mostly seems fruitless. I am very poor. I am not poor at all. <---Both statements are true. I am very lonely. I am deeply in love with a woman and we grow closer every day. <--Again, both statements are true. I am a happy and self-sufficient individual. I cannot live without others, it makes me miserable. <--- I am sure you get the point by now. On this sojourn of life & living, I have sought the sage of stoicism and been learned in these detached skills. The reproach is that I lose the essence of humanity that others can intuit & interpret. I appear crazy before their eyes. This creates a balancing act of how to avoid apathy but not fully succumb to empathy. Such a frustrating fulcrum of interaction. I need the work to be precise. Anyhow, the few people oblivious and blind enough to be content to avoid working on improving themselves(especially expressed as a sentiment of futility) are both lucky & pitiable. Again, I do not have much to contribute today but soon I will. The tides of energy are changing. I am slowly being pulled back to my printed tears. The memoirs of an emotionally incoherent blabber-make. Wish me well and I will do so much for you in return. Ciao besos