I was upset until...

I was mad. I was upset. I was angry.

I felt disrespected. I felt unappreciated. I felt so many different ways and it overwhelmed me. I was crumbling under the pressure. I had no where to turn. I had already used all of my resources to make it this far. I'm a silly guy. This way I feel in my chest betrays the reality of the situation: I did everything I could and didn't lose out.

I refused to squander any situation or any amount of time. I was a self-sustained cold fusion machine of passion, desire, presence & drive. And I was fed upon as suckers usually are. It embittered me boldly as such pains typically do. Instead of falling to the urge; I rose to one knee and decided to see it through. This is where I decided to discard the bitterness of being made to feel as a lesser individual had left me with. This is the most important step. Acceptance & understanding. Not some false apathetic boisterous facade of machismo and remnants of a broken heart . I'm stronger than any person could break. I'm always going to search to overcome.

I took a moment of pause and surveyed my long held nemesis. When I had acquired whatever I deemed necessary to feel contented with my inquiry, I sat back and exhaled. "Oh, yeah." I let loose with the next fall of my chest. I gave them value, validity and worth. My intentions weren't good enough for these people but their intentions were supposed to be enough for me. I find the hypocrisy incredibly humorous. I find the fact that they could not observe the hypocrisy even more humiliating for themselves and hilarious to me. And I thought, "Why am I so upset that these people are stupid?".

I'm smart because I pay attention. I'm intelligent because I paid my tuition and made sure to get something out of it. I'm aware because I removed my head from my ass in order to interact with the World as it is; instead of attempting to change the World to fit my tiny little brain. Perhaps, the best way to cover the topic at hand is to put it within the constraints of capacity. I'm deeper, wider and faster flowing than most anyone I've ever seen. And this is considering that I haven't seen barely anybody at their best. (You may be thinking something along the lines....who am I kidding? Your mind is probably blank or thinking about the benign at the moment).

So, this boils down to being about how I learn just how valuable I am day in and day out. How rare it is to be a man who can see the World the way I do. I once thought I was merely "different", but I have come to learn that I am simply "epic". I am a singularity. I am a brilliant spectacle to be held in a captivating marvel. You & anyone you came with are fair to disagree, that is fine and dandy. I, however, have been proven as a different type of being.

Matter of fact, I'm not simply being. I'm not simply doing or existing. I couldn't even agree that I'm living either. I. AM. LIFE.
As I type that, the unease in my chest is dwindling rapidly. As I type, my chagrin and feelings of disparity are resolving themselves. I have time. If I don't have time; I still have time. Why? Because I have now. Now is all that ever mattered anyway. I was upset until that point.

Bickering with a Wall or the Wind

I'm still fairly young & arrogant. Part of my issues with progress are deeply rooted in interactions with others. This is closely related to the constant miscommunication, inaccuracies & short sighted beliefs of others.
I am by no means asserting that, I am the all knowing or infallible but others act without the minimal humility required to interact with humanity. Thus, annoying the living tarnations out of me.
In the effort of becoming the best "me", I seek to veer away and beyond the emotional limitations that I've become accustomed with. More than simply not arguing; more than simply avoiding social conflicts & more than quieting the qualms whirling about my consciousness. This is about charisma, or the lack thereof. This is about swagger, or the lack thereof. This is deeper than self improvement...

But first, I need to get through this unflappable sense of integrity, right & wrong, intelligence & ultimately- worth. I do not feel the urge to fight until I feel violated. Once that violation occurs, I sense a strong need to stand up for myself. Once that happens, it is the warrior form that engages with brutal edges.
I remember the indignation I experienced vicariously while reading disparaging remarks from one to another, while perusing a blog site. I'd do so as the soft hearted defender of the weak & unwilling. I engaged the perpetrator to great purport & infamy. While, I found merit in my task, I've come to understand just how worthless my endeavor was.
Being grown or mature is certainly not simple or easy to explain. Look into the career works of activists & social workers; there are moments where an argument is the only manner in which others will respond. Unfortunate but true. Sometimes, people wish to engage in arguments like some gladiator sort; merely for a chance to make you look lesser.

I'll only say that uncivilized minds choose rules of engagement that are based on feelings & words, rather than facts & willingness to humbly communicate honestly. Poor beta minded males can't catch a break. Trying so hard to be something that they never earned the right to be. Dress as the wolves all you like but regardless of your costumes fidelity to the real thing, you will only ever be a facsimile; a mere imitation; a pretender to the throne.

I worked hard to become something worth others investing emotion. I may only be a beta myself but I became a loner/outcast in order to toughen up my view a dependency. Betas that don't work towards it, cannot over come their weak designation in life, with women. These are my primary antagonist. I no longer understand or relate to their limitations. They cannot even comprehend my views. They are talking emotionally, like little kids on the playground. My goal, is to use them as a stepping stone. I will reach a much higher understanding of maturity & growth on the backs of these hapless beta males. Wish me luck!

Sage's Ten Rules of Engagement

1. This is a moment. Don't ever allow the moment to be greater than your life.

2. Focus on your goal so intensely that nothing that happens can detour you from completing your goal.

3. Maintenance is among the most important character traits about your individual.{ASIDE to Maintenance is Mental, Physical, Emotional & Spiritual(including clothing and specialists visits)}.

4. Think beyond your current obstacles. If you are driving, drive ten seconds ahead. If you are fighting thinking through the counters.

5. Never break form. Poise is of huge importance. Propriety is a necessity. Keep it simple. Keep it cogent.

6. Have contingency plans. People will work to diminish you both unconsciously & inadvertently. Don't take it personal. It ain't.

7. Do not make excuses. You can learn from everything; that is your silver lining. Find it by any means necessary.

8. Have a limit. Create a point(based on reliable information) that you refuse to forge beyond. Sunk Cost Fallacy.

9. Any person who gives you time or energy, is showing you love. See it as love. Do not become confused by the exterior form.

10. Don't get caught. Before you spring your most critical strikes, whether in secret or in the open, avoid conspicuous positioning.


Everybody is bound to have variances in their personal Rules of Engagement. These are mine. Tailored to my sensibilities, etiquette & dispositions. If you disagree, keep it to yourself. I am without equal & my word will not be compromised by your flawed opinions.

One way day

I had so much despair in my life. Very few things seemed to be going in the right direction. I started losing my patience; decided to not talk to people; got to the point I was going to start cutting people down with honesty. I was wilting under the pressure of my lack. The best support I got was more of a hindrance than it was a help. Frustrated, forgetting my resiliency & jading against the shine of sunlight, I was growing proud of the sharp and evil waiting to get out....and I was fighting every which way...I literally closed everyone out. Then I randomly hit up an old homie...was almost selfish about it but I had enough compunction to ask how he was and the talk lifted me a little. Then I went to see my favorite person and they set me back a little...I almost wrote that person off...but I wasn't completely cold hearted and I allowed that person to talk to me. And got a little more better. I'm not sure of a lot right now but I know I got things I want to do and I ain't doing these things. It makes me angry at myself. I am really hard on myself. So, I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide from myself but truth be told I probably wouldn't be able to be alone with my voice when I'm beating myself up. So, I decide to vedge out and watch a movie. Just so happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time( I hadn't seen it at this point but it was just that well made). The movie was "Crazy, Stupid, Love". The entire movie is awesome. Matter of fact, I laughed so much in the first 30 minutes that I felt great enough to go to the gym. That's right, it amped my motivation so far that I couldn't enjoy that movie any more than I already did. I return from the work out feeling good, feeling great. I watch the remainder of the movie and at no point was I disappointed. I cannot remember the despair that rested in my chest but I do remember all of the hope pumpin through my veins right now.
I ain't zoned out and relying only on my imagination to push positivity through these fingertips. At this point, I'm so excited that I'm ready....just ready. I feel fairly reminiscent of who I know myself to be. This wordy exchange between me and my keyboard is indicative of such. I know that nobody can reach in your heart and help you to feel better because you aren't stupid and you are nobody's fool. In the same breath, you know you best. It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow but don't give in and always try. Treat yourself with enough respect to put forth the best foot you can. Whether we call it luck, faith, perseverance or persistence, the good will come. ALWAYS REMEMBER that if things are bad, it won't last forever AND if things are good, times unfortunately will change and cannot stay good forever. Take it in stride. Sometimes, the most important part of the day is that moment between two breaths. Let's get it in. Make the good happen. Whatever your means, whatever your method, do your best!!!
(Forgive my horrible everything on this attempt...the idea is to get better. I wrote this on facebook...I was amped, what can I say?)

New Music - Ain't Feelin' it

Don't be led on by this title, this ain't as much about music as it is about the people who have helped produce this current environment.
Yes, another pretentious, self ascendant perspective of another's character analysis. Why am I always breaking down schematypes of generalities when it only serves the purpose to make me seem "better"?
The answer is simple: it is indirect and the best way I know to say that when people make whack decisions and try to glorify it, I see them as needlessly compromising their humanity for the sake of ego.
Sure, I'm human and I don't know barely anything. Ask me a question. More than likely, I'll pause to think about it. Next, my response won't be deep or well produced. What I do excel at is digesting actions and classifying the threat within. Even at that I'm only moderately gifted.
But I'm not much different than anybody else. We don't have these extremely gifted folk at every turn. Very few of us actually have any real talent. When we break that down, we don't have the backgrounds that are conducive to making us really want to observe a skilled artist. We want the person who we can mimic the most. We want the most quotable lyrics. We want the highest value for the minimal cost. Guess what, we get highly manufactured carp at that point. This is why Fast food chains have seen unprecedented success despite the innumerable lawsuits and anti-fast food advertisements. It's like we don't care because we haven't learned how to. We don't practice it. You know what we do practice? Yeah, we are taught that we aren't supposed to care about so many different things and we practice it so that we can go to sleep at night and smile in the morning.

This is the attitude that I feel contributes to the music industry's departure from seeking out purely talented folk in exchange for the money making and commercially reproducible type.

Burnt Out on it

Man, if you all could only hear the thoughts racing through my little head. So many of them voicing their opinions at once. (Yes, I did just add personification to my thoughts of my thoughts. Deep shit, right?)

It is not an arguable fact that I'm very candid with my blog. I share things that only crybabies, emo's and others similarly conflicted with awareness can express openly without thinking of the ridicule or shame to follow. (Yes, I'm saying that I'm better than you. No, it is not a pretentious statement if it is true. It is true).

I know why people think this should be private and I whole heartedly disagree. If you put something intimate out there, be prepared to withstand the criticisms. I am prepared. If you put things of this nature into the open pulse of this "information world" then be prepared for people to be guarded with you. I am.

You know why I'm prepared, contented to do so & minimally afflicted with sharing? Because, in my normal, every day, real world life I have innumerable mouths opening strictly to tell me how far off center I am and that I need to fall in line. I come here to check and see if ANYBODY at all is out there. Because, from my view, the masses are being turned into mindlessly regurgitating zombies one by one. People mob to the same quotes and churn them out ad nauseum over a three month period. It gets old so quick. None of these takes the time to extrapolate a truer meaning of the saying than face value. These faceless & anonymous crowds still have the audacity to get upset when they are seen as an unoriginal drone; as a Pinocchio replica that is simply "dying" to be seen as a real boy. The prospect is laughable. Laughable not because it isn't possible but because it requires work which this drone wasn't built to do. The application of this work or at least the thought of the application of this work is, ironically, all these little impostors required.

I am a real boy. I have always maintained my independence as well as my dependencies. I chose to do so of a coherent & lucid volition. I'd swear it makes all the difference but I simply ain't a gambling man. I didn't know what I was doing much like anybody else. What I did know though, was that I was the one struggling through every bit of it. If I got an A, it wasn't because I listened to others speak but because I reasoned from the beginning to the end on topic. If I got an F it is because I chose my own directions without regards to what others were saying when they spoke. I tried to decided what was worthy of examination and focus. Not the greatest student. The pretenders lack this essential core mechanism. They are good alphas & betas. I rebuke the system. I am not an anarchist.

All of this I use to say that I deal with the idea of being candid to communicate my truest trials. And I do not mean that these trials are physically taxing but that I have come to an impasse and find myself lacking of confidence on how to proceed. Especially, when I have been trained to be a drone yet the lesson is being contradicted by orders from above. It is at such a point that I not only share profusely to gain perspective but I rehash many of those same perspective to see if the sources I originally interacted with has gained anything noteworthy to augment my prior understanding.

I don't need confidence if I may use observation. I do not need reinforcement if I can use the simplicity. However, when restricted, the natural idea is to resist. Being anchored and chained leads us to nowhere. In this manner do I often take stance that the ignorance of others limits me to producing my thoughts in a somewhat cowardly way on the internets to gain a better sense of what exactly is going on. This strength is taken for granted as if it were a weakness. Blah, point is, this is grace; mercy. The closed loop of operation. The open loop is the pre-programmed air of arrogance and surety that dominates the minds of today's citizenry. Kinda burnt out on it all.

Why check to make sure I'm not being an idiot? Newt Gingrich says whatever words can fit out of his mouth. Ol' whiny assed, no moral fiber having assed, adulterous and weak minded individual. And we are to respect these offices of public service when they really only exist to serve self at this point? Yes, I am glossing lightly over many a topic to ultimately say what I've already said "I'm a greater person than you are and I could care less about how you feel than I care about why ants can't die from falling from very high places."

With the flames of rebirth finding no sustaining force to exercise, the passion extinguishes itself. And as the charred remains lay there, unaffected by the gentle breeze, one must wonder "Was there ever a point at which being tactful should have mattered for me?" Regardless of what I said, I am where I would have been. Don't let your fear be the phoenix...it is not the life to lead.

Inside of me

I've been told that I have a huge heart. Sometimes I think that it doesn't translate to me having an enormous amount of love. Eh, it gets me to thinking that the love in my heart is isolated and lonely; shivering in a lone darkened corner of the cavernous expanse of my inner emotions. The moon shine of my mind receded the flowing tides of vibrance out of the equation and there was nothing but nothing to replace the newly found emptiness.
And what more could be said or done? I've loved...I have lost. I ain't mad or bitter. I'm grateful for ever finding such a connection. I spend my time working on myself & learning. I spend my time earning the distinction to get a great job so that I can afford a gold digger-esque wife to suit my old fashioned tendencies. Except, I strongly desire to be progressive. I wish with all of me that I could have an equal. Not a woman that attempts to subjugate or assimilate my consciousness to make life easier on her.(I have not a single problem with sacrificing my personal petty wants). Here is the thing, the women I meet nowadays are all either of this weird ass Gen-Y or some retarded ass evolutionary throwback to "Gen-we kicked rocks with no shoes on"(Stone age). We both gonna have to work. We both gon' hafta sacrifice. I don't want to be wooed er nothin' BUT I definitely don't want to fight for financial stability and happiness alone. I can do that shit all by myself. (That's what hoes is for).
And I get women that don't want to be women. They want to be overgrown girls with daddy issues and gold digger complexes. And let's not act like there is no such thing as an emotional gold digger. Draining all the emotion out of a guy and then, when he has nothing left to give, abandoning him for greener pastures.
That kind of happened to me. And it was hard to avoid being bitter. It was hard not to hold a grudge. But I accepted that I simply made bad decisions when it came to that woman err those women. I needed to learn and this was part of the process. So, inside of me, there rests no resentment. There is no rehash to flatten out my lack of luck. There is a great hope on the inside that no matter how long I tick along, that I will find a woman that deserves me. She can grow into it...I can grow into her...or however it works. I simply will not settle for any less than I'm giving. I'm beyond the point of sharing that information though. Women cannot handle being told that they don't measure up.
They think a week makes up for countless hours of neglect. But nothing makes up for it...nor did anyone ever need to(well except for special events).
But you get my point. I'm not really feeling any kind of way about anything right now. It is just a bunch of open space that while, primed for greatness, still requires massive amounts of cultivation before everybody sees it as such. Inside of me, there is nothing but a will and desire to grow and become the man that no woman would easily say no to.I don't want them all...I ain't greedy...I just want one. And I don't even want to own her, I just want her to want me like I want her...err somewhat close to how much I want her is good enough for me. That ain't settling because you only settle when you know you can do better. It is rare that I've even heard of women that attain such a high praise from me. I don't praise men. Not in that way at least.