Religion to Squarls

What the hell do I know? I can only interpret and understand the world that I interact with. I was fairly low born. Neither of my parents had substantial means by any measure. I was raised from poverty and many of my characteristics come from that system of production. Rarely, does an understanding from other classes permeate into the patterns of another. Do you think rich people watch as many movies as poor people? If you want to know, research it. College isn't a poor people thing. Middle classed families raise middle classed kids. Rich families raise rich kids. Poor families raise poor kids. I'm from a poor family and my thinking should be pitiable at best. Even a genius raised in poor conditions doesn't climb too high. The world looks differently than it did 75 years ago but it is still a White man's world. Being Black opens your eyes to a litany of treatment that being White bypasses without a second thought. Even in the city, Whites cannot grasp the full extent of bias that Blacks(as well as other minorities) experience on a daily basis. From things like taxis and police officers to jobs and education. There is a long laundry list of crud that happens to target of minority descent specifically. And all of these things shape how we see the world. Now, this blog is about me. I don't really mind if you or anybody else reads it. I use it to organize my thoughts. I am kind of fed up with people believing that they have insights when they've done nothing to grasp beyond their already contented limitations. 

We already know that whites are ignorant of much of the disparity between skin color and how society treats different people. There was a point where they actually claimed racism didn't exist. Now, the common thread is that they aren't personally racist even if they do racist things. I don't have the time.I can't waste any more time explaining how stupid people are to them without being offensive. It's exhausting. It isn't worth having this amount of brain power. I'm beginning to feel like I wasted my brain learning things that humans don't like to learn. I need a new set of people to communicate with on a consistent basis. My current friends are beginning to think that I'm brainwashing myself; hypocritical and unnecessarily precise. I don't even dismiss these charges...there is no need to. They are baseless. I don't randomly believe things that have no proof. I don't base my beliefs on feelings. We are trained to feel. We are indoctrinated by experience. We are fed the emotions that we experience. And rarely do we break those moldings.

When my friends say these things, what they are really speaking to is their utter disbelief that I am condemning their way of life. They take it personal. They want me to be like them and if I listened, I would be just like them. They have a hard time distinguishing a woman from her finest parts. As if I cannot enjoy communication with a woman even if it stayed at communication. I don't get how I became friends with people who think like this. I don't understand how I've been friends with them for so long. I don't get it. 

Am I so different that...am I really just confused and lost in transmission? Do I not understand life? I've spent endless hours considering and weighing the importance of activity. I've been checking and researching and realizing. I relay my findings with a respectable source of intellect without perspective to the particular situation. I weigh those words of wisdom as well. And it all boils down to luck, belief, understanding and preparation. That is 99% of life in a nutshell.

As I try and share my wit with anybody else, they shut down, start calling me names and attacking my logic without so much as asking a serious question. They hear 10% of my ideas(on any particular subject) and offer a whole-hearted dismissal of my words. I feel like I'm telling them the world is round. I feel like I'm telling them that we revolve around the Sun. I feel like I'm telling them that God isn't selling plots of land in Heaven by way of indulgences. None of it makes any sense to me. Why keep hanging around people that have well wishes but bad juju? I would be better off alone. I know, that even geniuses don't make it alone. I know that being dead to right is pointless. Something about human stupidity reaches it's depths when it aims to prevent human ingenuity. How much should I compromise? No matter where I move, I'll end up with a different form of ignorance. That is the nature of the world. I don't feel like I ever fit in. I don't feel like I'll ever be decently understood. I don't feel like my life will have ever mattered to anyone but my family. But the rest of my life, I'll be lucky if I don't feel like I'm giving religion to squirrels. It is what it is. I am where I am. Forget people that want to make decisions with my life outside of my approval.

Echoes

Well, I can howl at the moon with the remainder of my life and never touch the moon light. I need to move.  And with that, I cannot stay. Thanks for the memories. But I'm out like a thief in the night. I'm out like a light.

And what followed was peace.

My Next Move

This...blogging experiment was introduced by a person who I felt betrayed me deeply. I have come to be conflicted. However, such is the nature they handle their business and if it doesn't improve, it will be the way of that persons world. I wish them the best. As for me, I need to plan my next move. My last few were predicated solely on my ability to chase that woman. In this instance, the age old adage of "Never chase women; chase money" was true. I had a good job making good money that I was good at. I had a legitimate business that was growing and I sacrificed that all just for the opportunity to get to know that woman. You may want to know why. It is because, over everything I know, nothing has been so valuable to my moments here on Earth as love has been. I made every sacrifice seamlessly and without remorse. I rehash all of this to say that it is time I grew. I do not have time to sit around pining over a lost love. That time I spent chasing her, I don't feel like it was free, cheap or easy. I feel like it cost me a great abundance of my desire. Luckily desire is something of inspiration. All I need is to find a new muse. Perhaps, I have. But before I think another thought, I need to take note of my social health as I am not 100%. I am, in fact, somewhat compromised. That ain't the issue because I heal exceptionally quick nowadays. The problem exists for whomever decides to be next. The problem is giving her more than I gave the last one. I do not care what I need to change; what I need to improve to become an incomparably better man than I was before. I have done this time and again. Each time I do this, I give a more refined version of myself. I make short work of my faults. I find new, greater understanding. I learn a deeper, wider and more comprehensive acceptance. I do away with more of my prejudices, biases and assumptions. I learn to read not only my desires better but I learn to read their desires better. I improve my ability to communicate. I dedicate my life to improving my health. I do all of these things because I want to use my understanding of my self to prepare myself for what the woman offers me. I'll know how good she is for me by how much weight I keep on my frame. I'll know how much she inspires me by how much poetry I write. I will know how much trouble she gives me by how much pain I use as ink. I am always aware, well, until I ain't. I'm human; sue me. I just want to put all of these thoughts out there so that I may know full well what my plans are because I definitely don't spend time thinking of scenarios to react in. I spend my time emptying my pain into the nothingness of consciousness. I spend my time being blank unless I'm engaged in an activity. All things considered, I have a regimen to initiate and my determination and dedication are supplied to full stock. It is time I get it in.

I am no different than any human and I need love. For now, the love of my many friends will suffice. But before long, I'll long for an intimate, sensuous connection to sustain me. Lie to me...as long as it feels real, I will be fine. Seriously, though, I will be fine as long as it feels real, I just don't respect anything but the truth.

Ooooh. I'm getting side tracked. Well, I am the type of person that sees the potential greatness in something but appreciates it for what it is at current. I'm weird like that. That I can take something as is with no promise for change because it has potential. I see myself as the architect. I build night and day. I avoid thought by immersing myself in my task. Currently, my task is to plan out my next move. And though my mind is jumbled, I will get through it.

I need to heal. I've done much of it but I'd be lying if I said I was without wound.
I need to build. I'm not epic enough and I will become more epic.
I need to forgive. Forgiveness is automatic with me for everyone except myself.
(Forgiveness isn't not talking about something anymore. It is just accepting that holding a grudge is pointless and letting go. In other words, forgiveness is not forgetting).
I told a few lies in my past relationships. I will not do that again. My mistakes are human. My mistakes make me vulnerable.
I need to be sure that the person I am betting my future on is worth that effort.(I'm not saying the people of my past weren't...I am simply just saying).
I need to get my income steady. I need to get back up and get back to being the lucky person I'm accustomed to being. I have a tremendous life energy. I have too much love to be contained by hate and discord.
I need to live to my potential. I'm rich beyond all means because more than anything and anyone, I have me. The power of that statement alone is the key to life. "Drop me anywhere on God's green Earth and I'll triple my worth." I am sincere. I am earnest. I am honest. I am that dude. I'm the one you want in your corner. I am a soldier of light and love. I am the epitome of the spoken word. I won't stop until she is in my arms and she loves me deeply. Whoever she is only time will reveal.  But before I'm ready for her, I need to make my next move. And that move is my first move. Get it right. Get it tight. Who's in the house? Say my name. You know the game, it's full of pain. Ain't nothing to explain and losing is profane. Can't no person cheer me up. Well, not some regulah, anyways. So, whoever I am with has to spark at least as much passion as to hear her voice and feel no pain. Let her voice be music to me "when you hear the music you feel no pain..." and then it will be written.

Hahaha...good thoughts, rambling and repeating. I guess I am well on my way. I bet you I can feel my next move. Will you take that bet?

Three Hairs Breadth

Doing fine. Eating somewhat regularly. Drinking water with greater consistency. Being honest with myself about my talents, abilities and potential. Planning for my divergence from a safe place in this cold world. At the same damn time, I must heal from my recent journey. It knocked the wind out of me.

I have a few home girls that reached out to me. One of them was purely annoying and she kept painting me like some common folk ignorant Black. I may not be of super elite genius ilk but I am far from a common person in regards to any dimension. I did not like communicating with her; she was unnecessarily cumbersome. The second home girl is hit or miss. She was much more fun to interact with but she has a tendency to be "above" being human. She reaches for this "I'm better than this disagreement" kind of personality and it seems fake for no reason. She keeps it real most of the time, well, until that comes out. And, when we chop it up, it is typically good times and fun. However, never knowing which version of her I'll encounter is a big turn off.

The third home girl, well, she's different; she's special. There is no reason for her to be special. She does not have some mystical knowledge of the world. She most likely isn't a top 3% genius. And of all the things I know about her, all I know is how I feel when I communicate with her: nowhere near as horrible. Actually, to put everything into positive terms, I feel like everything is going to be alright. 

The first two came in the nick of time, perfect timing to stop me from reaching the bottom of loss. The third came in with the clean-up effort. I needed them all and appreciated each moment of interaction, even as I was annoyed.

One day, I'll find somebody that truly cares about me and my friends won't have a job to do anymore. Until that day, I'll appreciate their friendships as much as I can. Love is love is love.

Orbs of Thought

The World outside is a swirling tumult of colliding temperatures, polarities and variations of strength & depth. From the tectonic plates, trade winds, currents of water, electric vibrations(...hmm, interesting idea). Either or, the reality inside your consciousness is much more placid and controllable.

We see it from the different corners of the Earth. The monks in China with the flowing chi and resistance to puncture from swords & knives; the Shaman in Africa and America that mysteriously heal and mature the weak, the mystical & magical anywhere else. People who transcend what we know to be a physiological limit to the common human body. But what I mean to highlight is nothing so rare.

Simply, everything that is visualized mentally is purposefully done. Whether the individual committing the act is conscious of their agency; the full utility of their intent or lack thereof. You can create your paradise or perdition based solely upon what you decide to focus on.

If the choice is to focus on personal lack, then the defeat will be planted and nurtured from within. If the choice is to focus on success, then delusion will fundamentally power the positivity which exudes from within. The choice is an easy one to make, however, many people will never even notice that, while the world is the storm; the consciousness is the eye of the storm and full of calm. The only price necessary is the will to acknowledge responsibility in self.

What percentage of Mankind achieves a comparable status with their awareness of self? I truly do not know but I can guarantee that it is far too few. And a big reason why is that the higher one achieves, the further the feel from humanity. The truth is it is further away from the only humanity they've known.  And that discordant flow of emotion can debilitate an awakening. Focus is important in that aspect.

As far as I am concerned, I write my progress. And my perspective evolves daily but much more rapidly while I'm in pain. I write much more while I am in pain. And I live through it. I encourage the same in all people who would benefit from such. Please & do.

Now, keep in mind, Love is the basis of everything and fear comes after that. Do not let fear ride for free.

Releasing the bird from my grasp

Entitled to the services that were paid for and a conclusion on the investment.

There will be people who believe that they do not owe anything to a person who invests in them.

Those people are wrong. Much may not be owed. Perchance a few words would suffice.

Although, the decisions may not allow compromise, to knowingly inflict conflict on a person that is sworn to be loved cannot be correct or true.

Though, it is claimed that "we" hurt the ones we love the most; there is no reason for such pain.

Timelessly, articles of frustration and pain filter through the light of day to impregnate thought with agony.

Suffer. Suffer alone. Torment the self over the weaknesses of self. Lose it all to the passing moment.

Can there be a message stronger than acceptance? Can there be a force more powerful than attitude?

Could there be anything more pointless than positivity at this moment?

There can be no growth if the current holds on for dear life.

There can be no moving forward if the will that necessitates the never ending leaps of faith dissipates.

Unbelievable amounts of pain dwell inside. Most of it foreign born & avoidable.

This sickness of absence and loss, abated by belief, returned in a torrent of spiritual tears.

Tears that never trailed the fleshy cheek. Tears that merely welled up inside, well contained precipitation.

Improving a signal of piercing pain. Embracing every inch of consciousness.

Shattering each planned kindred portrait before completion.

Deserting the fragments of hope and happily ever after.

Returning to emptiness...returning to a sacrificed state of being. Sadder and lonelier than original.

Nothing is eternal until it is eternal. Eternity has yet to pass.

This is why it is important to release the bird from a sturdy grasp.

Just writing to myself...about USA...about Politics...About Whites...rant heavy....

The comments I am seeing around the internet; hearing from people in business and on the street...it makes me feel want to become selfish. It makes me want to separate myself from the rest of humanity. I just want to watch as the strong eat the weak and the poor. I just want to watch as the stupid & ignorant run themselves into the ground on pointless morality that makes them sheep. I want to watc

h because I'm beginning to realize that no matter how much I try, I fail to make a difference. People think thoughts based on thinking and the thoughts of others but get nowhere fast and abandon that train of...thought. I just want to be an observer. I might be in the moment of an emotion but all I want to do is lift weights, eat food, travel and be human. I don't want to argue with lazy people who think poor people are lazy and not just oppressed. I'm poor. I'm lazy. I'm rich. I work hard. All of that is true. But one thing I'm not is ignorant. I don't roll around defining folk all willy nilly. I ask questions. Is it so hard to ask questions just to hear what people say? Everybody is so fouled up from what they think life is about. Buying big shiny things because they feel compelled to invest in immediate gratification. That worked out horribly for me. And I don't try to stop people before they jump into it. All I say is, are you sure you want to do that? I ain't nobody daddy. I ain't never had no kids. But it feels like I'm playing to somebody else drumset. I can only play to mine.

I love how, America is only now burning to the ground when we have a Mixed race President. But with W in office everything was all hunky dory. But when these same folks swearing Obama is this or that, voted Bush into office again, we ain't said nothing. BUT NOW THAT WE DEFEND OUR CHOICE TO SAY "NO MORE" do we get told to chill out and work together. NO. FREAK THAT. Get your mind off that malarkey.

 This narrow minded, ignorant Republican contingent of the nation needs to be put in their place. They think they are above us. They think we are some fraction because we aren't white men. We are all 1 human being. NO MORE. NO LESS. See it as race baiting. See it however you like but y'all need to stand your ground because too many people think that the way the country was being run was okay. They were complicit in accepting discrimination against their fellow countryman as long as it didn't harm them directly. I am an anti-discrimination person. I don't walk away from a person based on what color they are, how they smell, what they look life. I walk away from people based on the overwhelming closed minded ignorance. These people are our bosses, business owners and so on. And these laws prohibit businesses and protect the interest of the class that has already invested in business. This only makes the old adage truer that a "Black man has to work twice as hard as a White man." Plenty may not believe it because there are examples to go by where it this wasn't applicable or where somebody got to avoid it or had Whites to stand up for them. That's cool but this is a SYSTEM WIDE....NATION WIDE issue. It is unfathomable that we get to 2012 and people still cannot determine whether their actions are discrimination or pure chance. There is a lot of pure chance but that almost couldn't be more irrelevant when there is such a prevalent amount of discrimination that people feel comfortable cursing out the president and they aren't publicly reprimanded. The world will continue to turn and humans will be born and die but what I believe can be stopped is this unrelenting urge toward ignorance. I know it won't. Social science taught me that.