I'm an "easy to get to know" type of guy. I don't really struggle while interacting with balanced and well-adjusted types. I really cruise through most social interactions with less than minimal difficulty. TooT*. I'm a smart guy. I am a handsome guy. I try just hard enough to express the importance of being about a greater position in society. I focus on growth.
Some people swear to be about a life that they cannot truly embody simply because their constitution isn't capable of containing formidable lacks in perception. People that often force their views of the World. She was that great in my eyes. She pumped herself up. She was as arrogant and egotistical as I ever even aspired to become. She was more focused on self and future as anybody I know. And as unrealistic as she was, I accepted her for every bit of it. I lusted and obsessed...(well not really). I honestly, merely wanted to spend time with her. Everything I could do to spend time with her, I did. I moved 300 + miles and I even went places she told me she'd be (and that it was okay to be there at the same time). I habitually stepped to the line of preoccupation but I would always wave myself back a few steps. All in all, I was just too into her. She swore that she was every bit as into me and maybe even more. That, I now know to be untrue.
There were moments in where she would claim to be sick so she would stay at home and invite me over. Alternatively, there were moments where she claimed that she sacrificed that time to spend solely with me. An inconsistency I would not accept. The lie was too easily conceived. Too convenient. Those ambiguous moments weren't acceptable and were feeding into my apprehensive relationship with trust. I never truly trusted 100% of what she said. She however, was more consistent than most everyone I knew, thus I accepted it. Seems that I should not have considering her ex-boo thang thought he was the still current boo thang. Maybe it's because they saw each other so much. IDK. I feel the trouble coming. I feel as if I've been sacrificed.
My ability to cut my heart in half emotionally was honed as to be able to avoid a situation to which there was no reprieve. I always need an option for survival. This is only important because I always gave her the option of ending it no matter where she and I stood to ensure that I wouldn't be cheated on or needlessly led astray because she didn't know how to cut the ties that bind. Yet and still, she needlessly kept me tied tightly to her, insisting that she truly loved for me and was in love with me.
The final straws were my request for words to keep me vigilant in an observance of our bond. Yet, she had no words for me (well none that applied to satiate my request). She had hugs & kisses. She recollected enough between us to thank me for "The Greatest Love" and from those words forward, my heart wept profusely. I miss her in every way.
She is sickly. Allergic to many foods and emotionally self defeating. She attempts to use negativity as a tool of focus but inherently fails because "knives can only be used to cut". Positivity and affirmation are the best ways to not only edify your actions but consolidate your determination into consistent productivity with minimal burn or residual affect.
All in all, the game at hand is that this was by far the most impressive woman I had ever met. She paralleled my mother in several meaningful ways. I loved the way that this woman loved me. She was tough and seemed true. She once nurtured my weakest portions and fortified my ideals. She helped me unto another level, kind of. She provided the obstacle and the inspiration to overcome said obstacle. No other woman has yet to provide such a promising goal despite the physical limitations. Needless to say, her potential was substantial. However, I may have been blinded by the idea that her intimate parts hadn't been tangled with in a serious amount of time. Or that she seemed so deeply concerned with my being.
Truly, I think I was addicted to her voice and body despite the negative effect of it on her life. Additionally, I think she was merely addicted to my coddling nature and patient approach to confrontations; my gentility. Either way, that ride came to a screeching halt when I became a reason for her academic struggles. For one, I vowed to not allow my presence to be a distractor for her. Secondly, the situation itself was only blown out of proportion due to her inability to handle conflict maturely. Or maybe I'm just an idiot in this particular instance. I'll be that. I am in love with her and that love has most assuredly placed me on the unstable side of determination. And though I'm recovering from that love (quite the kicker, eh?) the thing that hurt the most is that she may have real issues with my moment of unrest, the way she has dealt with it was most confusing and misleading.
She said she quit and that was all I needed to hear. I won't pursue beyond being requested to disengage. Just not my style. I'm the guy in "What Dreams May Come" and I'll dive into the bowels of Hell to retrieve my love or simply keep her company. The moment love becomes clearly unappreciated, I take my love to someone who will appreciate what I have to offer. Regardless of the pain I live through, my entire existence on Earth will continue to be predicated by my possession of love embodied. And though she may disagree, the sacrifices I made are what allowed her to live the life that she did while we were together. I'm burnt but not bitter. I'm expressive but not consumed. I'm passionate not obsessed.
Right now, moving on is difficult but not impossible. Losing the light in that potential woman hurts more than any other loss and though I cried beforehand, I have yet to shed a single tear afterwards. It simply hurts too much. Honestly, all I want to do is have non-committal sex with tons of random women. I want to feast on the bodies of so many other women that I forget I ever had her. Letting go is beyond painful for me but I will recover. For her, I hope that she is able to overcome losing me if it is difficult at all. I hope she is able to find the man that truly fits into her World without burning every second as I did.
When I entered into that relationship with her she was the Phoenix and I was the water that soothed her burning flesh. As it went on, she matured into the fire and I became the Phoenix burning through rebirth after rebirth. My life could never be the same and in many ways I wish I never met her but ultimately I wouldn't be living if I didn't have all of this loss of her to accompany my smiles. I don't know how to continue life from here on...she means everything to me. Every ounce of my fiber only wants to hug and comfort her but time has decided to depart me from that soul. It is time to burn alone as my greatest of expectations has burn out.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Swan song of my soul's mate
$@&€-Perhaps this is the emotional ramblings of a diva dude or a punk-bitch but this is my perspective about how things progressed from opening my heart to closing my eyes to the light of love, on my end.
I'm not airing the trials out for public consumption but the imagination that I use to describe my views will be a poetic justice.-$@&€
In the beginning, the world was cold & dimly lit. Being born unable to navigate the treacherous fangs, gangs & claws of this vapid existence, the only option is to move towards growth. Growth was always positioned near warmth (call it the hedgehog's dilemma). Of course, in attempting to find a way into the warmth of the light of love, heads will be bumped, toes will be stubbed, confusions & contusions will be had & bones will be broken. Life happens.
As is most likely, a lonely stumble into the arms of another alonely promises comfort & protection. This shimmering of light betwixt the two darkens as the two fall apart the divide of time. Quite literally saddening since all either side ever wanted was to be accepted; loved. With these types it's pretty much rinse & repeat. Each time getting a deeper scouring on the dingy glowing light of love.
Until finally, the brilliance from such a connection is simply too much to behold. The moment where the souls combine to create an unbelievable radiance that, for all intents & purposes, nobody else will ever comprehend. This will lead others to produce interference, hateful rhetoric, dissenting ideas...all while the struggle is already real with divergent goals, pride, egos & basically anything else that could provide a reasonable obstacle to longevity & happiness.
When this connection frazzles to begin falling apart, the tears will fall. These tears are different than all the others. These tears fall taking within them pieces of the formerly broken hearts, essences of each of the individuals & vapors from the great waters of each of the souls.
The pain of loss and absence is beyond crippling. Like drowning in a sea of one's own blood plasma but living to describe the agony. The emotional torment is at the limit of all of creations conceptual edge. Appetite vanquished. Personal longevity in question. Not many tangents are possible, success or failure; pass or fail.
But how does the world see it?
Outside looking in, all that can be made of it is a simple perfect match or incompatibility.
But how do they see it?
Inside looking out, this is the most significant war that will ever be waged. Even if it is only a war of tugging on heart strings.
Take a step back from the emotional picture. Imagine, if you will, an explosion-like a fire work- on the outside, a brilliant expression of dynamic colors, a flash of hot excitement & the cacophony of synergy. On the inside, innumerable combinations, reactions, competitions & consciousness streams of being.
Come back to the blank ness of no thing ness.
Imagine if you will, being part of that explosion. Imagine the warmth and sense of belonging. Picture the feeling of necessity. Embrace the entirety of more than becoming part of something unnecessary but of comprising something so magnificent that it feels like an addiction.
Pull back again.
Imagine the way it feels to be threatened with removal from something that yields to such a splendiferous state. That alone is instantaneous insanity.
Even worse yet, to feel as if you've been replaced by a set of outsiders & obstacles is no less than completely maddening.
Even if that feeling of acceptance should exist beyond competition. However, being realistic about the ephemeral states of relationships is something that only serves to lay waste and ruin to whatever pleasures may be held within a union. Too much in the way of doubt; too much in the way of lack.
And now you can see who I've become. How I got to where I am and why I feel like I've lost everything I ever wanted. Maybe she felt this way too, back then. I miss her and I always will.
She may not be perfect to the world, she may not be perfect to me but while in my arms, she could be no less than perfect.
Perhaps the future would allow us to come back as one. Maybe I didn't ruin my entire life. Maybe I'm simply being dramatic. Or maybe what's been laid to rest is dead & gone.
At this point, I can only hope that she will dawn a new day in my arms.
Ahhh, to what dreams may come...she is the epitome of my dream.
For now, I'm still smiling as my soul is leaking out my eyes.
Determined to be the greatest man she has ever known.
I'm not airing the trials out for public consumption but the imagination that I use to describe my views will be a poetic justice.-$@&€
In the beginning, the world was cold & dimly lit. Being born unable to navigate the treacherous fangs, gangs & claws of this vapid existence, the only option is to move towards growth. Growth was always positioned near warmth (call it the hedgehog's dilemma). Of course, in attempting to find a way into the warmth of the light of love, heads will be bumped, toes will be stubbed, confusions & contusions will be had & bones will be broken. Life happens.
As is most likely, a lonely stumble into the arms of another alonely promises comfort & protection. This shimmering of light betwixt the two darkens as the two fall apart the divide of time. Quite literally saddening since all either side ever wanted was to be accepted; loved. With these types it's pretty much rinse & repeat. Each time getting a deeper scouring on the dingy glowing light of love.
Until finally, the brilliance from such a connection is simply too much to behold. The moment where the souls combine to create an unbelievable radiance that, for all intents & purposes, nobody else will ever comprehend. This will lead others to produce interference, hateful rhetoric, dissenting ideas...all while the struggle is already real with divergent goals, pride, egos & basically anything else that could provide a reasonable obstacle to longevity & happiness.
When this connection frazzles to begin falling apart, the tears will fall. These tears are different than all the others. These tears fall taking within them pieces of the formerly broken hearts, essences of each of the individuals & vapors from the great waters of each of the souls.
The pain of loss and absence is beyond crippling. Like drowning in a sea of one's own blood plasma but living to describe the agony. The emotional torment is at the limit of all of creations conceptual edge. Appetite vanquished. Personal longevity in question. Not many tangents are possible, success or failure; pass or fail.
But how does the world see it?
Outside looking in, all that can be made of it is a simple perfect match or incompatibility.
But how do they see it?
Inside looking out, this is the most significant war that will ever be waged. Even if it is only a war of tugging on heart strings.
Take a step back from the emotional picture. Imagine, if you will, an explosion-like a fire work- on the outside, a brilliant expression of dynamic colors, a flash of hot excitement & the cacophony of synergy. On the inside, innumerable combinations, reactions, competitions & consciousness streams of being.
Come back to the blank ness of no thing ness.
Imagine if you will, being part of that explosion. Imagine the warmth and sense of belonging. Picture the feeling of necessity. Embrace the entirety of more than becoming part of something unnecessary but of comprising something so magnificent that it feels like an addiction.
Pull back again.
Imagine the way it feels to be threatened with removal from something that yields to such a splendiferous state. That alone is instantaneous insanity.
Even worse yet, to feel as if you've been replaced by a set of outsiders & obstacles is no less than completely maddening.
Even if that feeling of acceptance should exist beyond competition. However, being realistic about the ephemeral states of relationships is something that only serves to lay waste and ruin to whatever pleasures may be held within a union. Too much in the way of doubt; too much in the way of lack.
And now you can see who I've become. How I got to where I am and why I feel like I've lost everything I ever wanted. Maybe she felt this way too, back then. I miss her and I always will.
She may not be perfect to the world, she may not be perfect to me but while in my arms, she could be no less than perfect.
Perhaps the future would allow us to come back as one. Maybe I didn't ruin my entire life. Maybe I'm simply being dramatic. Or maybe what's been laid to rest is dead & gone.
At this point, I can only hope that she will dawn a new day in my arms.
Ahhh, to what dreams may come...she is the epitome of my dream.
For now, I'm still smiling as my soul is leaking out my eyes.
Determined to be the greatest man she has ever known.
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Monday, October 3, 2011
The scars on my back
We all do things that unintentionally hurt ourselves from time to time. These actions leave their mark on us in the form of scars.
Scar tissue heals the wound that scars birth but replaces what once was, with something not nearly as versatile. Scar tissue is quicker to rip, puncture and bleed all while losing a great deal of the sensation of the original. Gift & curse.
Emotionally applied, this principle works the in fairly the same manner. And the people that enter into your life need to be aware of the sensitivity required to deal with you. Nobody needs to inadvertently make you bleed.
The scars of your past chasing you forward, ever persisting. No pause long enough for a moment of clarity in which you can once again have a life without the reminders of scarring.
The past, representing the actual moment in memory where the scar manifested, is akin to our backs. There is almost nothing we can do without involving our back. This is why it is ideal as a substitute for the past. Even while we don't think about it, there is somewhere, deep within us, that is never not considering the potential consequences that matches the fears of being reunited with injury. This is the past being firmly gripped to the bone.
To allow the scars the authority to make your decisions for you, you lose the autonomy; the sovereignty that we each so desperately work to maintain.
No matter what road you choose or how much love you choose to share, you will always be an individual. Though you may not always behave as an individual. It is important that you always make your own decisions and never leave them to the scars the lay to rest upon they back. As if wearing the world on your shoulders wasn't heavy enough.
Scar tissue heals the wound that scars birth but replaces what once was, with something not nearly as versatile. Scar tissue is quicker to rip, puncture and bleed all while losing a great deal of the sensation of the original. Gift & curse.
Emotionally applied, this principle works the in fairly the same manner. And the people that enter into your life need to be aware of the sensitivity required to deal with you. Nobody needs to inadvertently make you bleed.
The scars of your past chasing you forward, ever persisting. No pause long enough for a moment of clarity in which you can once again have a life without the reminders of scarring.
The past, representing the actual moment in memory where the scar manifested, is akin to our backs. There is almost nothing we can do without involving our back. This is why it is ideal as a substitute for the past. Even while we don't think about it, there is somewhere, deep within us, that is never not considering the potential consequences that matches the fears of being reunited with injury. This is the past being firmly gripped to the bone.
To allow the scars the authority to make your decisions for you, you lose the autonomy; the sovereignty that we each so desperately work to maintain.
No matter what road you choose or how much love you choose to share, you will always be an individual. Though you may not always behave as an individual. It is important that you always make your own decisions and never leave them to the scars the lay to rest upon they back. As if wearing the world on your shoulders wasn't heavy enough.
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