I am currently living in the moment when a realization fundamentally changes the way you interact with others. I had hoped that this particular day would never come. Unfortunately, it was in my evolution. This way, fear seems like foreshadowing.
In the past, I have been a bit dramatic. The type that can keep a personal journal but refuses to do so for academics. Indulging in the emotional aspects instead of the incremental observations that require massive amounts of discipline. Even as I began blogging, nearly three years ago, I was an emotional ball of mess and hurt. I have had a fair amount of emotional turbulence and conflicting desires. At times, it was extremely easy to hoist the blame on the other involved parties. It was incredibly easy to point the finger but it was much more difficult to accept responsibility for purchasing a ticket to the very same disturbing "show" that inspired the complaints.
After a few years of that practice, it was becoming tedious to continue complaining as if the bulk of the responsibility went to someone else; as if I wasn't more responsible for my involvement. Feeling like being reasonable was the adjudicator of what must transpire, I operated on a false-faith of interaction, unknowingly leashing and limiting the behavioral responses. The path was set in my mind the way things would proceed. Comically, humans aren't so reliable. The woman I was with detested this practice of mine, secretly. She didn't know how to put it into words and I couldn't figure out why she was mad BECAUSE I WAS BEING REASONABLE. I never considered that my sanity would drive her insane. I digress.
Hindsight affords a certain level of retrospective focus that the moment cannot possibly sustain. The distance does help in every way. It is not impossible to be objective but experience is gaining information that was previously unavailable. Needless to say, if you're reading this, it is most likely that you know the situation I mentioned ended with heartbreak. That heartbreak was the red pill. Took a long time for the effect to get through to me but the idea is that it was one heartbreak too many for me.
An unavoidable truth has swooped down upon me, seized me within its claws and carried me away with its wings. From this height, the highest peaks are seemingly leagues beneath my feet. All of the mainstream socially reasonable reactionary tactics, that were my primary means of interaction, became immature child's play. It became clear that maturity wasn't in the mere practice of reasoning but in the application of curing the illnesses affecting communication. In that sense, being reasonable was counterproductive to resolving conflict.
Perhaps the logic is beginning to twist and distort but what is incomprehensible to one is an informative and fortuitous occurrence for another. Preparation is key to recognition of opportunity. And that's where all of this comes to a head. I have been touching fire, getting burned and not realizing that the pain is due my personal decisions. I now fully accept that. And I won't touch that fire again.
To be absolutely forthright, I cannot be sure how my interactions will manifest in the future. Every day seems to be a valuable chance for growth. I take the opportunity to push myself. And more so in knowing why and less of automaton-esque reasoning.
What I do know is, when a woman begins to wrap her fingers around my heart like the ever expanding grapevines expanding reach, I'll know to ignore that aspect of being wrapped in love and focus on hardening my resolve to being who I planned on being the entire time. No longer content to fit a mold or to be molded. My love has been broken too many times while doing it somebody else's way. I was the only one meant to lead from the beginning. And it is about time I let that ring true with my actions.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
Had to be a reminder
I don't get along with insecure people. People who secretly worry about shit that doesn't matter and others couldn't barely care less for. I don't get along with these kinds of people. The kind of person that is worried about what others think of them. The kind of person who cannot be honest with themselves about how they feel. I always rub them the wrong way. How can you be so damn sensitive and call yourself mature? You better stay in the land of hand holding and warm milked cookies cause my mind is in a wilderness of harsh temperatures, inconsistent interaction and bitterly devoted nemeses. If you think you can survive in this world, you should certainly reconsider the moment you find yourself offended by a few superficial thoughts. Can't stand the heat...
It's not like it's about having the freedom to be rude and all others be damned. It is about honestly accepting honesty. It takes a great amount of experience to rise to such a magnanimous level(it's levels n'shit) as to hear an opinion of you and it not deter your convictions. Failing that is a weakness, make no mistakes. It is fine to be weak. It is fine to be an absolute worthless(in the eyes of society) individual. This is your life and you gotta live it like YOU want to live it. BUT how long are you going to pretend like your decision to get out of bed this morning belonged to anyone else except you?
You can wander through life indefinitely. Maybe the government can stop you. Maybe some rogue criminal element will put an end to your suffering. Maybe, you get over yourself and grow up. All I know is what I see and perceive. I'm sure the same goes for anyo....nevermind. I forgot people still believe the Bible was mysteriously written with divine inspirations. An antiquated, philosophically inadequate book of parables was the best "God" could do? Yeah, we'd be better not veering into the direction of the Bible but that people wholeheartedly believe in something so inane as being divinely authored is a bit, well, disorienting.
By all means, be who you want to be and believe what you want to believe. Find agony at another's estimations of who you are; find disappointment that the pretty girl that sits in front of you in art class doesn't like you back; find smart people as threatening and not inspiring. By all means, continue being a victim of your addiction to ignorance. I mean, it is your life after all. Spend your time how you see fit. Assholes like me are going to continue a personal journey through rhetoric, nuance, ridicule, allusion and everything else just to reach some mystical feeling of overcoming being born. Yes, that was sarcasm. Yes, I feel dirty using it. No, I don't regret using it. Yes, I'm telling you that I don't think much of who you have worked very hard to being. Forget reasoning or understanding or acceptance. I have been abandoned and cheated and attacked and damaged but I refused to remain as one who could be treated as such. You know who gets treated that way? People who limit themselves. People who don't shift between insecurity and confidence. People who aren't checked into reality. Those that refuse to wake up and smell the coffee. It's just another day in bliss for them. Life at the end of the string of addiction to shit that matters less than jobs.
But what matters more than a career? A job? Some form of exchange for money? What matters more than a Family? Love? Guess that depends on your values. On the society in which you were raised. Since I'm the one typing this up, I'll go ahead and share first.
The most important conviction I have is self preservation, growth & positivity. One concept that permeates everything I touch. As I hone that ability, everything else fades away. Fear and everything that comes with it, now lives in very specific situations. Oh my, how I've grown from the little black boy that clung to his mother's leg. As time passes, y'all should grow too. That's the least I want for you. But, as I said, it's your life and by all means, you should live it how you choose. Nobody else is culpable for your decisions but you. Even when your decisions are merely ultimatums. Even then, you get to choose.
If you cannot swallow that one truth, then I simply cannot entertain too many of your thoughts. More appropriately, I will not entertain your thoughts unless the way you live is courageous and you forge beyond the fairy tales into the ugly truth. I am simply not built for half-way crooks. And I am aggressively stealing all the light from life. I suggest you do the same. This is your reminder. All is fair in love and war.
It's not like it's about having the freedom to be rude and all others be damned. It is about honestly accepting honesty. It takes a great amount of experience to rise to such a magnanimous level(it's levels n'shit) as to hear an opinion of you and it not deter your convictions. Failing that is a weakness, make no mistakes. It is fine to be weak. It is fine to be an absolute worthless(in the eyes of society) individual. This is your life and you gotta live it like YOU want to live it. BUT how long are you going to pretend like your decision to get out of bed this morning belonged to anyone else except you?
You can wander through life indefinitely. Maybe the government can stop you. Maybe some rogue criminal element will put an end to your suffering. Maybe, you get over yourself and grow up. All I know is what I see and perceive. I'm sure the same goes for anyo....nevermind. I forgot people still believe the Bible was mysteriously written with divine inspirations. An antiquated, philosophically inadequate book of parables was the best "God" could do? Yeah, we'd be better not veering into the direction of the Bible but that people wholeheartedly believe in something so inane as being divinely authored is a bit, well, disorienting.
By all means, be who you want to be and believe what you want to believe. Find agony at another's estimations of who you are; find disappointment that the pretty girl that sits in front of you in art class doesn't like you back; find smart people as threatening and not inspiring. By all means, continue being a victim of your addiction to ignorance. I mean, it is your life after all. Spend your time how you see fit. Assholes like me are going to continue a personal journey through rhetoric, nuance, ridicule, allusion and everything else just to reach some mystical feeling of overcoming being born. Yes, that was sarcasm. Yes, I feel dirty using it. No, I don't regret using it. Yes, I'm telling you that I don't think much of who you have worked very hard to being. Forget reasoning or understanding or acceptance. I have been abandoned and cheated and attacked and damaged but I refused to remain as one who could be treated as such. You know who gets treated that way? People who limit themselves. People who don't shift between insecurity and confidence. People who aren't checked into reality. Those that refuse to wake up and smell the coffee. It's just another day in bliss for them. Life at the end of the string of addiction to shit that matters less than jobs.
But what matters more than a career? A job? Some form of exchange for money? What matters more than a Family? Love? Guess that depends on your values. On the society in which you were raised. Since I'm the one typing this up, I'll go ahead and share first.
The most important conviction I have is self preservation, growth & positivity. One concept that permeates everything I touch. As I hone that ability, everything else fades away. Fear and everything that comes with it, now lives in very specific situations. Oh my, how I've grown from the little black boy that clung to his mother's leg. As time passes, y'all should grow too. That's the least I want for you. But, as I said, it's your life and by all means, you should live it how you choose. Nobody else is culpable for your decisions but you. Even when your decisions are merely ultimatums. Even then, you get to choose.
If you cannot swallow that one truth, then I simply cannot entertain too many of your thoughts. More appropriately, I will not entertain your thoughts unless the way you live is courageous and you forge beyond the fairy tales into the ugly truth. I am simply not built for half-way crooks. And I am aggressively stealing all the light from life. I suggest you do the same. This is your reminder. All is fair in love and war.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Ode to the Gamer Girl
A sly, tongue-in-cheek, reference to the practice of making a form of competitive catharsis of smashing the buttons on a controller at the same time and in opposition to another person. Let that sink in for just a moment.
Incredibly, skill has developed over the long periods of times and the memories form experience that she can wear like a pair of gloves.
Tingling tips of the fingers, dancing with excitement while the mind is utterly indulged with taking conquest from the lips of another as if it were the food their ego craves.
Some refer to video games as brainless, mindless, zombie making machines. She must see it in many ways and nothing so malicious. As a relief and an escape; as a bullet proof vest from the stress. It is the form of mental alcohol that takes a person and makes them drunk with adventure into the imagination land of a group of others. What they created and the potential for enjoyment they share.
The gamer girl, a growing portion of the community. Once so very rare there was nothing but immunity for one wearing the moniker but now, they are vetted and their losses are completely apathetic. They get boasted over and bragged upon as if she were one of the guys. It is a way to equality hidden in a past time as if it were a disguise.
Doing her part to move society forward, silently and alone in the dark.
Incredibly, skill has developed over the long periods of times and the memories form experience that she can wear like a pair of gloves.
Tingling tips of the fingers, dancing with excitement while the mind is utterly indulged with taking conquest from the lips of another as if it were the food their ego craves.
Some refer to video games as brainless, mindless, zombie making machines. She must see it in many ways and nothing so malicious. As a relief and an escape; as a bullet proof vest from the stress. It is the form of mental alcohol that takes a person and makes them drunk with adventure into the imagination land of a group of others. What they created and the potential for enjoyment they share.
The gamer girl, a growing portion of the community. Once so very rare there was nothing but immunity for one wearing the moniker but now, they are vetted and their losses are completely apathetic. They get boasted over and bragged upon as if she were one of the guys. It is a way to equality hidden in a past time as if it were a disguise.
Doing her part to move society forward, silently and alone in the dark.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Breakin' Loose
Years ago when I was a better man, before a light skinned woman came flying off the top rope onto my heart, I had hustle and grind and determination. Now, it's like I'm lost and trapped in my head. Even still there have been tremendous moments for my rehabilitation back into society.
I don't really blame youngin' because she was just working her options. It wreaked havoc on my living situations, being with her. However, the skills I gained from challenging myself have proven invaluable. My interviews are better, more people seek me out and more people see great worth in who I am. Would they have prior to my lessons in hardship? Most likely not. I only changed because there was no recourse. I was held handsome...err...wow...I meant ransom. Look, this is no knock on her. She doesn't become a bad person because we didn't get along. She won't understand that but that also doesn't make her any less.
It seemed as if my life was merely plummeting into the dumps and extremely rapidly. I saw plenty of signs and ignored every single one of them. Each sign came back to bite me in the ass by becoming true. Don't leave someone for another because it will happen to you. It sure as hell did. The same way too. But none of this is bothering me; I feel like it helps me to establish and assist in making my point.
Immediately after our parting, my world was nothing but darkness and sadness and helplessness and hurt. Then glimmers of hope came shining through. It was from that motivation that I decided I couldn't spend time being love sick. I really had to bring my hope to reality. It was a heavier task than I anticipated. If I had a physical reason, the act of atoning would have been a much easier burden to bear. My reason was mental; emotional. There were no distractions. I don't know what people call thinking but my perception of it is when you focus on a thought or a topic and walk through it as if it were scenery. I don't do that. It's like limitless televisions going in my head. Well, at times. Sometimes I can force myself to think. Most times, things simply come on their own as if someone else were beckoning them. It only tore my heart to have a new love enter the fray; Enter the gray. And it is a special love. I was curious with how to feel about a connection this strong built through a mini-blogging website. I have grown to accept the relationship. Of one phone call every random month or so. Her mind is impossible to not love.
With all of the great things I know about myself, I haven't found a single reason why anybody would want to be my friend outside of how consistently "me" I am. I'm cerebral. I find satisfaction in thinking. Doing things is cool too but just doesn't hold the same...well...somethings. Look, anytime you are thinking a lot(or whatever it is I do) you are likely to get depressed. Perhaps, that's why I developed a thought process that does not need to operate consciously. I do feel completely propelled by my subconscious. I know how peculiar that sounds but half of the thoughts concerning this topic I can't quite distinguish from the anything else. It's all "Cheeseburg---I don't th----bounc----po----tig----random concluding point!" This thought process makes recall a very difficult thing. I'm horrible with quotes.
And still, I wanted to climb out of my lackadaisical disposition and become the super baller and live life so much better than I was and make the woman that left me remember how great and kind and awesome I was so she could, if even for a fraction of a split second, feel remorse for hurting me the way she did. To feel the depth of sorrow that she inflicted on me. Had there not been a woman to follow in her footsteps and put her healing hand on my heart; had there not been many people to care for me and love on me, I would have absolutely crumbled. I put everything I had to give and more things that I did not have to give, into my effort with her. Sometimes, I wish I could be petty and bitter and angry but those things don't get people anywhere. Ruthlessness, determination and hard work do.
No matter how much the new woman loved/loves me, she always had a life and I was purely contented with her caring enough to say the words she said. Perfect timing. I may have been looking for a reason to continue fighting but without all of the coincidences, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am. The unapologetic, unwilling to lie about finances and unafraid to admit where I fall short. I'm still over-confident. I still think I'm as handsome and as intelligent as an individual can be. Whatever that is supposed to mean. I'm trying to learn to take my time and do everything right the first time through. I've repeated so many trials, time and time again. My skills don't even compute naturally because I'm just a simple "reader", I'm not long on the ability to convince anyone to do what I desire.
Even still, my paths are some what limited by my skills. For me to break free of who I have been post breakup, I need to cut ties with what is keeping me from growing bigger than my cage. Is it the woman who I've grown so intensely fond of? Is it my inability to keep faithful to my plans? Have I simply burned myself out on trying to achieve since I failed so miserably? All of these questions and the only answer I have for it is, "stop thinking and simply do."
And I know where to start. I guess they don't say blood sweat and tears for nothing. Guess I'm gonna get to it.
Just in case you came here seeking an homage to an 80's movie, I apologize for your disappointment.
I don't really blame youngin' because she was just working her options. It wreaked havoc on my living situations, being with her. However, the skills I gained from challenging myself have proven invaluable. My interviews are better, more people seek me out and more people see great worth in who I am. Would they have prior to my lessons in hardship? Most likely not. I only changed because there was no recourse. I was held handsome...err...wow...I meant ransom. Look, this is no knock on her. She doesn't become a bad person because we didn't get along. She won't understand that but that also doesn't make her any less.
It seemed as if my life was merely plummeting into the dumps and extremely rapidly. I saw plenty of signs and ignored every single one of them. Each sign came back to bite me in the ass by becoming true. Don't leave someone for another because it will happen to you. It sure as hell did. The same way too. But none of this is bothering me; I feel like it helps me to establish and assist in making my point.
Immediately after our parting, my world was nothing but darkness and sadness and helplessness and hurt. Then glimmers of hope came shining through. It was from that motivation that I decided I couldn't spend time being love sick. I really had to bring my hope to reality. It was a heavier task than I anticipated. If I had a physical reason, the act of atoning would have been a much easier burden to bear. My reason was mental; emotional. There were no distractions. I don't know what people call thinking but my perception of it is when you focus on a thought or a topic and walk through it as if it were scenery. I don't do that. It's like limitless televisions going in my head. Well, at times. Sometimes I can force myself to think. Most times, things simply come on their own as if someone else were beckoning them. It only tore my heart to have a new love enter the fray; Enter the gray. And it is a special love. I was curious with how to feel about a connection this strong built through a mini-blogging website. I have grown to accept the relationship. Of one phone call every random month or so. Her mind is impossible to not love.
With all of the great things I know about myself, I haven't found a single reason why anybody would want to be my friend outside of how consistently "me" I am. I'm cerebral. I find satisfaction in thinking. Doing things is cool too but just doesn't hold the same...well...somethings. Look, anytime you are thinking a lot(or whatever it is I do) you are likely to get depressed. Perhaps, that's why I developed a thought process that does not need to operate consciously. I do feel completely propelled by my subconscious. I know how peculiar that sounds but half of the thoughts concerning this topic I can't quite distinguish from the anything else. It's all "Cheeseburg---I don't th----bounc----po----tig----random concluding point!" This thought process makes recall a very difficult thing. I'm horrible with quotes.
And still, I wanted to climb out of my lackadaisical disposition and become the super baller and live life so much better than I was and make the woman that left me remember how great and kind and awesome I was so she could, if even for a fraction of a split second, feel remorse for hurting me the way she did. To feel the depth of sorrow that she inflicted on me. Had there not been a woman to follow in her footsteps and put her healing hand on my heart; had there not been many people to care for me and love on me, I would have absolutely crumbled. I put everything I had to give and more things that I did not have to give, into my effort with her. Sometimes, I wish I could be petty and bitter and angry but those things don't get people anywhere. Ruthlessness, determination and hard work do.
No matter how much the new woman loved/loves me, she always had a life and I was purely contented with her caring enough to say the words she said. Perfect timing. I may have been looking for a reason to continue fighting but without all of the coincidences, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am. The unapologetic, unwilling to lie about finances and unafraid to admit where I fall short. I'm still over-confident. I still think I'm as handsome and as intelligent as an individual can be. Whatever that is supposed to mean. I'm trying to learn to take my time and do everything right the first time through. I've repeated so many trials, time and time again. My skills don't even compute naturally because I'm just a simple "reader", I'm not long on the ability to convince anyone to do what I desire.
Even still, my paths are some what limited by my skills. For me to break free of who I have been post breakup, I need to cut ties with what is keeping me from growing bigger than my cage. Is it the woman who I've grown so intensely fond of? Is it my inability to keep faithful to my plans? Have I simply burned myself out on trying to achieve since I failed so miserably? All of these questions and the only answer I have for it is, "stop thinking and simply do."
And I know where to start. I guess they don't say blood sweat and tears for nothing. Guess I'm gonna get to it.
Just in case you came here seeking an homage to an 80's movie, I apologize for your disappointment.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Swimming in pearls
I'll never know what you see when you look at me.
I walk around, drowning in your eyeballs; soaked to the bones with adoration.
Questions that find rhetorical answers.
Reciprocity.
Emptiness.
Unconditional warmth all the same.
It has been a little more than a year.
Time is drudging forward with an undeniable pace.
I'm not waiting for you.
You don't seem to be waiting for me.
That makes me happy.
The flow by which we go along with.
I am amazed by you.
Inspired absolutely.
Not only was I given the incentive to become better instantaneously.
I have been forging further into the depths of the uncharted areas of my heart.
Breaking into bigger and warmer thresholds to become a man you could be proud to know.
Not even to be the man for you.
Not even for a romantic encounter.
The intimacy.
The surreal sense of passion.
The extraterrestrial essence of synchronicity.
You bewilder me.
In my dreams.
Deep within the visualizations of my slumber.
I meet with you often.
I embrace you in ways I never thought to embrace a woman.
Where nothing matters but who you are.
Not what you are or what you look like.
Nothing to do with your face or hair.
Your big beautiful eyes don't hypnotize me.
Your velvety soft skins don't seduce me into a mindless fanatic.
It's just your soul & my soul, embracing in these bodies.
Connected as deeply as possible.
I can control these dreams.
I could reduce you with the fantasy treatment and indulge my desires.
That would betray how I feel about you.
It isn't physical.
I don't need your love.
Don't need you to love me.
I don't seek comfort by using you to release endorphin sexually
Not even via nocturnal hallucinations
I'm just glad you come to visit the walls of my mind
You really brighten up my nights.
I don't expect anything from you
Today could be the last day of my life where I "knew" you
Satisfaction and gratitude for the chance to meet you
Truly, you have been a revolution for me
in these peaceful eras of silence
I have known some uncommon struggles
one by one, the obstacles are felled
a strength derived from the smiles you inspire
anything you ask of me will be met with sincerity
anything you think will be met with kind ears
anything you think will be accepted unequivocally
anything you want will at least be understood.
Nothing is promised nor is a promise needed.
Honesty will greet you
Sincerity will comfort you
Patience will walk with you
Intimacy will be real....with you.
Was it swimming in those pearls or are those pearls swimming in me? Reciprocity.
I walk around, drowning in your eyeballs; soaked to the bones with adoration.
Questions that find rhetorical answers.
Reciprocity.
Emptiness.
Unconditional warmth all the same.
It has been a little more than a year.
Time is drudging forward with an undeniable pace.
I'm not waiting for you.
You don't seem to be waiting for me.
That makes me happy.
The flow by which we go along with.
I am amazed by you.
Inspired absolutely.
Not only was I given the incentive to become better instantaneously.
I have been forging further into the depths of the uncharted areas of my heart.
Breaking into bigger and warmer thresholds to become a man you could be proud to know.
Not even to be the man for you.
Not even for a romantic encounter.
The intimacy.
The surreal sense of passion.
The extraterrestrial essence of synchronicity.
You bewilder me.
In my dreams.
Deep within the visualizations of my slumber.
I meet with you often.
I embrace you in ways I never thought to embrace a woman.
Where nothing matters but who you are.
Not what you are or what you look like.
Nothing to do with your face or hair.
Your big beautiful eyes don't hypnotize me.
Your velvety soft skins don't seduce me into a mindless fanatic.
It's just your soul & my soul, embracing in these bodies.
Connected as deeply as possible.
I can control these dreams.
I could reduce you with the fantasy treatment and indulge my desires.
That would betray how I feel about you.
It isn't physical.
I don't need your love.
Don't need you to love me.
I don't seek comfort by using you to release endorphin sexually
Not even via nocturnal hallucinations
I'm just glad you come to visit the walls of my mind
You really brighten up my nights.
I don't expect anything from you
Today could be the last day of my life where I "knew" you
Satisfaction and gratitude for the chance to meet you
Truly, you have been a revolution for me
in these peaceful eras of silence
I have known some uncommon struggles
one by one, the obstacles are felled
a strength derived from the smiles you inspire
anything you ask of me will be met with sincerity
anything you think will be met with kind ears
anything you think will be accepted unequivocally
anything you want will at least be understood.
Nothing is promised nor is a promise needed.
Honesty will greet you
Sincerity will comfort you
Patience will walk with you
Intimacy will be real....with you.
Was it swimming in those pearls or are those pearls swimming in me? Reciprocity.
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