I ain't quite 30 yet but I claim it like I am. Seems like the milestone is something I have decided to focus on. I have not been the sex crazed male like most men you can hear being discussed in social settings often. I am a much more quiet & thoughtful type. However, when I am involved in a relationship, my sex drive becomes somewhat of an intimidating factor. I always desire that connection. I wake up thinking about it; I finish doing it and immediately urge to go back in despite my exhaustion and lack of physical cooperation. It becomes intense. There were a few girls I did get it on with outside of the "confines" of a relationship. I never had any motivational problems with those girls. My lil' soldier was always hard and ready to "march into enemy territory". But as of the last few years, shit has simply changed.
It isn't that I've been getting it in, I haven't. And it isn't that I haven't used it, I have. But my desire to be inside of women that I only care about in a human sense, has ultimately waned to less than zero. I cannot figure it out. Opportunities present themselves and I couldn't be more bored. Hot women, slutty, reserved, fine, curvy, big breasted, lean and muscular....none of it matters. The pussy ain't calling my name.
I ain't heart broken. I ain't lost. I'm not curious. I just couldn't care less about busting a random nut and moving on or even staying. Nothing and no one is exciting to me. I have been at this Disenchanted path for a while. Being as such, I have taken the opportunity to poke around. I researched fetishes. As I scroll through catalog after catalog of sexually deviant matters, nothing sparks my interest to a greater degree than 1/10th of what 'reglah ol misshunairy' does. And that's being generous.
I have no idea what problems I could have developed. As I look at the scenarios that play out in my life, I am a moderate-to-highly desirable male. But these women don't have my number and I could not care enough to give them my plaything for five minutes let alone to my pleasure. And I don't think I'm some Godly being; I'm not sanctimonious or pretentious but I definitely want a woman that puts effort into who she is and does not come off like others are responsible for her pains. Yet, this search is abysmal(and I ain't searching).
Doesn't matter what they look like, these women open their mouth and my brain slides right on out my ear. I'm so frustrated that I don't even feel the frustration anymore. It's just this way. So, this is the conclusion that I've come to: My mind does not reflect my income and social placement. I certainly need to be more upwardly mobile. When people who have ten times the education are boring, there is certainly a problem somewhere. I shouldn't be capable of breaking down the depth of their thought after 10-20 words. Yet before they are halfway through a sentence, I realize I've heard it before. At that moment, silence becomes far more desirable.
Lemme go back. I love people. I deeply enjoy interacting with them and nothing is beneath me. I can hold a four hour conversation with a toddler or a doctor. I feel like I'm extremely easy going. However, more and more that seems to be untrue. I know that the first sign of trouble with interactions usually finds it's ignition in self.
" When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you" -African Proverb
And beyond all of my fault finding, I find a person(me) that just cannot be satisfied with a pitiable effort. If you say "I wanna do this!" then by all means, do just that. Don't try. Do.
I have heard so many purposeless excuses. I have seen so many with the deepest and greatest that potential had to offer but instead, traded their efforts in for comfort and flawed humanity. I honestly, do not know how anything gets done. Humans are so efficacy-less. Myself included. I just think there is a problem when I think of my running naked through a city is more sexually exciting than some salivating pussy on my bed.
With all of that, I did not arrive at a solution. In fact, I stopped trying for one. I decided that, more than anything, I want to make money, get back to being buff...more muscular than I've ever been and iron out a solid diet to keep me as healthy as possible. I'm just done. Women will never live up to my standards and maybe they shouldn't. I am going to say "Of course if the right woman comes along and manages to inspire a smile on my face out of simple bonding, then of course, I'll take that blog post back but until then, Imma do what I do and make it do what it does...err...whatever." but that does not change that right now, I am focused on me, more so than ever. Not mad at women. I still think a pussy is the greatest body part. There is just nothing in it for me UNLESS there is something in her *FOR ME* (and me alone).
I attempting to avoid pointing fingers but I'm fairly sure that such is an act I committed. I tried to not sound like I was in despair, yet I'm sure that is how I came off. Really, I just don't have the vive to throw at it like I had whenever an opportunity presented itself. I guess not being given the respect you feel you deserve can really have an adverse affect on how you view this social interaction thing...who knew?
For all the old, bitter black females I apparently misjudged, please find it in your heart to forgive me. Otherwise, forgive me for my youthful folly. If not...then fuck you all. I ain't givin' no shits for yo old bitter asses. Imma go laugh and shit...fuck you.
