Have you ever looked into the etymology of words? To see how they became what they are and where they originated from? Perhaps you even got a sense for how everything was structured into a form even those things that exist without form. The truly astounding nature of the World we human beings qualify and the quantities which lay within the boundaries of those qualities. Pure awe. The magnitude.
Stop. Think about people. Think about the people that defined these words. Consider their backgrounds & what led them to being the person they were. Why the characteristics (that became dominant and socially recognizable) developed. Pay attention. This is very intriguing if you know why you are paying attention to it. With this you can reverse manufacture success in every sense of the word. Okay. Some people and maybe even most people will be hard pressed to care, I mean "life is real", out in these streets. However, for those un-jaded by the stressors of a life, you know that what I'm alluding to is the greatest import of self acknowledgement.
As individuals, we make choices. Some of these choices produce a bad effect. To this bad effect we have custom tailored excuses as to why things went poorly. This of course, makes very little sense to those outside of us, unless, they relate to our little white lies of keeping ourselves culpable to our actions. Again, it doesn't matter if you were a good kid that got chopped down in the middle of doing what you felt you were supposed to do or if you were a vile person doing the worst things you've ever felt the need to do. A choice for that action was made already knowing what your geography would be like even when you did not know the geography.
If you are tossed into water, you have no choice but to struggle for your life as best you know how. This view is more of an absolute and definitely not for people who get caught in their emotions. Sink or swim. How you feel about it does not matter in the least. And spouting emotional discharges about recklessly will only further enslave you to the limits of your mindset.
As a rule, assume your perspective is flawed unless you are a professional with every reason to resort to your credentials on the matter. The "average" person isn't "nutrient dense" enough to understand the refined nuance behind many of the professionalized theories that they so often feel free to spread and bastardize with ignorant zeals.
This is more than a know what you are talking about article of thought. This is more than a shut your mouth article of thought. This is more than an attempt to understand the World the way it is. This is a key in a chain of keys that open a set of doors on a path to enlightenment.
Take this message from what was written even if you cannot see this as the topic of this article: What happens in life is not what makes life hard; the hands you are limited to playing do not suck; and no matter the hardships you encounter, these are only hardships because of one thing...how you feel about it.
Once you remove the emotion from the situation then enlightenment is possible. Not like a forced removal; not like an angry discarding of it in response to heartbreak but of a natural thirst for betterment and intellectual curiosity.
Not that this is new to anybody. This is in religious text. Not that people will adhere to it because it could easily take a lifetime simply to grasp how one may go about achieving such a lofty perspective. Especially given that others can neither recognize or respect such a process. Socially, this is almost a reason to find disgust in an individual. Maturity comes at the sacrifice of a freedom. Though, you relinquish one freedom for another. One door closes and another opens. Recognize the risk in your every decision and understand that things just happen. Dreams are crushed. This World isn't based on good or bad but coincidence and flow. I do not even believe in coincidence. That is the biggest joke of all.
And that is my love for now.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Won't Stop Refusing Defeat
For months the roller coaster of emotions has consumed me; tormenting the every part of my ability to perceive and comprehend. Oh, how I've struggled to cope with life this year of 2011. I have had great moments, huge triumphs sprinkled with moments of clarity that reinvigorate my fighting spirit. I've learned to dream again and erase all of the false scenes from my view of the future I actually desire to achieve. I have had tremendous help and love gifted to me. I couldn't be more thankful as the person I am and I'm far more thankful than the person I was had the ability to be. I've grown.
The moments in which I felt lower than the belly of a snake. Like the microbial parasite that stands no chance of living unless it siphons the life blood from another, greater being. It was time to no longer be that person and I have been desperately fighting to overcome my every weakness, especially those I perceived as strengths. Clearly, a strength can limit the ability to be great. Thus it has come to pass that I've decided to remove how I feel about things that are common in everyday life.
Love has become the primary focus for my growth in every way. I have forgiven those who have offended me the worst. Taken from me the will to disregard ignorance as simply the disdain driven desires of those without proper distinction. I am sincerely attempting to eradicate all of these aspects of my personality that cause hiccups in my interactions with other people. This is so very difficult and many may question the sanity or purpose of my goals. But in my eyes it isn't simply good enough to be good enough. I am now willed to push the envelope in every friggin' way I possibly can. And qualities, good or bad, will stand but a slight half step in my overall piece. I'm letting go to not only let God but to also help God to help me. All of this work and possession I cling to is an unnecessary hindrance on my goals for the future and now, I'm done with trying to keep anything physical or not that doesn't directly contribute to my overall mission.
If I need to shed love, then so be it. If I need to shed family then so be it. Because as I am; the me that is currently struggling to adjust to this World and the difficulties therein encountered, only struggles because of what I refuse to let go of.
Picture this: My hand is in the cookie jar gripping two cookies at once, attempting to remove them whole. Before I'd just find a way to get something whole out and be satisfied that it was all I could do.
New Image: Same layout as last time but now the cookies are coming out whole or not because my goal is now not to play by the idea that a cookie should be eaten whole but should be eaten for the enjoyment. I can enjoy the cookies in bits & pieces.
As of right now, I will hold on the pole position. I will refrain from telling people what I won't do. I will focus only on my goals and add triumph, conquest and Veni, Vidi, Vici are all to become part of my active vernacular and written lexicon not simply as a symbol but as a sentiment or overall message. Every breath offers a battlefield and every interaction with another is a potential stalemate of stratagems. The spoils will go to the greatest prepared. I have been preparing for a while. Let me not drag on much more other than to say I love and share love because it inspires me. It is a selfish goal. It has never not been.
I have no opinions for anybody else and anything I would tell you will only echo the sentiments that I've expressed in this here article of thought. Coherent or not, this is simply the beginning of me drafting a personal manifesto to eventually be manifested. I am no pretender. I am to be rather than to appear to be. I will find well-being through harmony.
I do believe this roller coaster has applied the brakes. I think this is my stop. Thanks for riding with me, luvs.
The moments in which I felt lower than the belly of a snake. Like the microbial parasite that stands no chance of living unless it siphons the life blood from another, greater being. It was time to no longer be that person and I have been desperately fighting to overcome my every weakness, especially those I perceived as strengths. Clearly, a strength can limit the ability to be great. Thus it has come to pass that I've decided to remove how I feel about things that are common in everyday life.
Love has become the primary focus for my growth in every way. I have forgiven those who have offended me the worst. Taken from me the will to disregard ignorance as simply the disdain driven desires of those without proper distinction. I am sincerely attempting to eradicate all of these aspects of my personality that cause hiccups in my interactions with other people. This is so very difficult and many may question the sanity or purpose of my goals. But in my eyes it isn't simply good enough to be good enough. I am now willed to push the envelope in every friggin' way I possibly can. And qualities, good or bad, will stand but a slight half step in my overall piece. I'm letting go to not only let God but to also help God to help me. All of this work and possession I cling to is an unnecessary hindrance on my goals for the future and now, I'm done with trying to keep anything physical or not that doesn't directly contribute to my overall mission.
If I need to shed love, then so be it. If I need to shed family then so be it. Because as I am; the me that is currently struggling to adjust to this World and the difficulties therein encountered, only struggles because of what I refuse to let go of.
Picture this: My hand is in the cookie jar gripping two cookies at once, attempting to remove them whole. Before I'd just find a way to get something whole out and be satisfied that it was all I could do.
New Image: Same layout as last time but now the cookies are coming out whole or not because my goal is now not to play by the idea that a cookie should be eaten whole but should be eaten for the enjoyment. I can enjoy the cookies in bits & pieces.
As of right now, I will hold on the pole position. I will refrain from telling people what I won't do. I will focus only on my goals and add triumph, conquest and Veni, Vidi, Vici are all to become part of my active vernacular and written lexicon not simply as a symbol but as a sentiment or overall message. Every breath offers a battlefield and every interaction with another is a potential stalemate of stratagems. The spoils will go to the greatest prepared. I have been preparing for a while. Let me not drag on much more other than to say I love and share love because it inspires me. It is a selfish goal. It has never not been.
I have no opinions for anybody else and anything I would tell you will only echo the sentiments that I've expressed in this here article of thought. Coherent or not, this is simply the beginning of me drafting a personal manifesto to eventually be manifested. I am no pretender. I am to be rather than to appear to be. I will find well-being through harmony.
I do believe this roller coaster has applied the brakes. I think this is my stop. Thanks for riding with me, luvs.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
And so I hit it
I would say that personally, I had an extremely, emotionally taxing day. I couldn't do anything properly. I have skills, or so I thought. Not as hot today and every so often I squeezed a chuckle at my own jokes(which I typically cater to undeniably).
Exhausted, I took a nap. I awoke in time to catch the gym but I wasn't sure if I'd actually go as I had missed the last night's work out(I have a strict regimen I follow). I can typically combine two days because I structured my workouts that way but I cannot combine three workouts because it is simply too much energy expenditure. I decide to go. I'm groggy. I hug my niece & then I hug my mother, just because I love them and hugs let them know it. Then I proceed on my way to the gym. I'm driving somewhat inconsistent. I'll speed the straights and slower on the curves but this is typical.
I'm ascending a hill within the speed limit and I see a vague shadow scurrying across the road, I hesitate to slow down because it is no longer in my path but it turns around and heads back for my path...I pump the brakes once to give myself a moment. Bump bump! My eyes shoot open immediately and I instantly presume to know why that shadow I saw made the effort to turn around. It must have been walking with it's offspring. My face twists in agony as I contemplate having actually hit something. On the verge of tears, I mentally chastize myself for being a man on the verge of tears behind a wild animal. But I rebut that a life is a life and life is fragile.
Over the next 5 minutes or so, I fight the urges that contort my face with sadness. I don't know how to feel. I did that. I hurt something. I probably killed it. This is nothing that I want to do. My mood tanked. But I try hard to focus and regain my composure. It was already going to be a monumental effort considering my day, the amount of sadness, the frustration, feeling like a punk for caring and now I feel like a callous murderer of justifiably gypsy-esque urban wildlife.
I struggle to find rhythm through the workout. I'm competing with a former classmate for highschool who had to be born buff. Whatever, we bench the same weight, he just did it better. I still did it though and that's what matters to me. Plus I can run a lot faster than he and that is my saving grace.
Anyways, I've got a long road to go in many other places in my life and currently I ain't doing nothing worthwhile with my time other than trying to help random people to make their lives better. They ain't shit neither though, so I don't know why I bother. Drug addicts and sellers who love what they do. A damn shame. College degrees going to waste, mine included but at least I don't mess with drugs, have baby's mamas or stds. For all intents and purposes I'm normal and well adjusted. But apparently I'm so emotional. I just think I care. I just think other people are insecure with my ability to be the way I am. I really couldn't be tasked to focus on the thoughts of others much beyond this. Everything else is me being asinine. So what. Anyways, after the gym I drove back down that same road looking for any sign of road kill and I saw none. I began thinking that it may be seriously hurt or maybe not so much. Either way I can sleep tonight because ultimately I feel like that lil' racoon made it for at least a few more minutes and was afforded the dignity of not dying underneath the could care less steels of people who see themselves as more important when really they could be less worthy of life than an animal they so flagrantly disregard as superfluous life forms.
Just a thought.
Just my love for now.
Exhausted, I took a nap. I awoke in time to catch the gym but I wasn't sure if I'd actually go as I had missed the last night's work out(I have a strict regimen I follow). I can typically combine two days because I structured my workouts that way but I cannot combine three workouts because it is simply too much energy expenditure. I decide to go. I'm groggy. I hug my niece & then I hug my mother, just because I love them and hugs let them know it. Then I proceed on my way to the gym. I'm driving somewhat inconsistent. I'll speed the straights and slower on the curves but this is typical.
I'm ascending a hill within the speed limit and I see a vague shadow scurrying across the road, I hesitate to slow down because it is no longer in my path but it turns around and heads back for my path...I pump the brakes once to give myself a moment. Bump bump! My eyes shoot open immediately and I instantly presume to know why that shadow I saw made the effort to turn around. It must have been walking with it's offspring. My face twists in agony as I contemplate having actually hit something. On the verge of tears, I mentally chastize myself for being a man on the verge of tears behind a wild animal. But I rebut that a life is a life and life is fragile.
Over the next 5 minutes or so, I fight the urges that contort my face with sadness. I don't know how to feel. I did that. I hurt something. I probably killed it. This is nothing that I want to do. My mood tanked. But I try hard to focus and regain my composure. It was already going to be a monumental effort considering my day, the amount of sadness, the frustration, feeling like a punk for caring and now I feel like a callous murderer of justifiably gypsy-esque urban wildlife.
I struggle to find rhythm through the workout. I'm competing with a former classmate for highschool who had to be born buff. Whatever, we bench the same weight, he just did it better. I still did it though and that's what matters to me. Plus I can run a lot faster than he and that is my saving grace.
Anyways, I've got a long road to go in many other places in my life and currently I ain't doing nothing worthwhile with my time other than trying to help random people to make their lives better. They ain't shit neither though, so I don't know why I bother. Drug addicts and sellers who love what they do. A damn shame. College degrees going to waste, mine included but at least I don't mess with drugs, have baby's mamas or stds. For all intents and purposes I'm normal and well adjusted. But apparently I'm so emotional. I just think I care. I just think other people are insecure with my ability to be the way I am. I really couldn't be tasked to focus on the thoughts of others much beyond this. Everything else is me being asinine. So what. Anyways, after the gym I drove back down that same road looking for any sign of road kill and I saw none. I began thinking that it may be seriously hurt or maybe not so much. Either way I can sleep tonight because ultimately I feel like that lil' racoon made it for at least a few more minutes and was afforded the dignity of not dying underneath the could care less steels of people who see themselves as more important when really they could be less worthy of life than an animal they so flagrantly disregard as superfluous life forms.
Just a thought.
Just my love for now.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Today, I'm down - Man Down
Spirit feels so close to broken. I had a long and trying day. Toasted by the Sun, annoyed by my own complaining, drawn out by simplicity and lost to the devices of much weaker and less fortunate men.(Yes both weaker and less fortunate).
Perhaps, I simply need a good meal. Perhaps, I merely need a hug. But I do not want help. I would much rather struggle through the tears that I will be crying today. I do not want to talk with any person or interact in any healthy way. The mood on me is very self destructive and a cry for help. Yet, knowing this does nothing for how I want to let it all fall apart. I do not know who could intervene with a positive perspective because I am in pain - emotionally. Like the lion with a prick in the pad of the paw, I am neither calm nor accepting right now. I want love but can't receive it. What am I to do? I am so very confounding at this moment.
Here is a thought in my head: Forget every single entity that presumed to know from which perspective I approached, they cannot grasp my ability with thought; they have all been mediocre and simple minded. I talk with elders as equals but not with insolence, with venerable tones and upward inquisitive request. The elders have almost absolutely respected my pride, dignity and thirst for knowledge. I learned to stun them with thoughts that they could have never instigated with their perspectives. I reached inside their heads and learned them, working hard to become like them to know what they know and why. Of course, most of that was naive however the jewels of wisdom that I received(especially when healthy unjaded jewels) were timeless as well as enriching. I learned to put myself out there that required me to be tested by people because the more I learn the better I am. Always taking notes, studious at studying life. I've come a very long way from being a potentially brilliant specialist like most individuals to becoming literally an every man in my own way. On a day like this, none of that matters. On a day like this, I'm simply tired of being alone. I'd almost pay for company but I simply have too much pride and too great a smile. Even my saddest days won't take me beyond the depths of depravity that would inspire me to do such a desperate act of loneliness.
Despicable!
Do I need to tell you that I ain't judging? Forget how you see it. What do I care about your narrow-minded and limited thinking capabilities to try and throw a title on everything(Narrow/small/simple/weak-minded individuals are the bane of my existence-I love children but cannot "stomach" adults with the mental capacities of children). One of the most pointless yet shameful displays of vanity that people mindlessly over look.
Before I insult another person, I'll end this post. Insults are not my intention regardless of how I feel. I do apologize for the harsh comment but such is truly how I feel. Yes, I am aware that it borders on hypocrisy but I could not be halved to care.
This is the brain child of my inability to count out knocked out fighters expecting that they will be like the scorched forest to grow anew amidst the spoils and scars of the flickering flames.
Wish me well, wish me hell just take care of yourselves.
This is my love for now.
Perhaps, I simply need a good meal. Perhaps, I merely need a hug. But I do not want help. I would much rather struggle through the tears that I will be crying today. I do not want to talk with any person or interact in any healthy way. The mood on me is very self destructive and a cry for help. Yet, knowing this does nothing for how I want to let it all fall apart. I do not know who could intervene with a positive perspective because I am in pain - emotionally. Like the lion with a prick in the pad of the paw, I am neither calm nor accepting right now. I want love but can't receive it. What am I to do? I am so very confounding at this moment.
Here is a thought in my head: Forget every single entity that presumed to know from which perspective I approached, they cannot grasp my ability with thought; they have all been mediocre and simple minded. I talk with elders as equals but not with insolence, with venerable tones and upward inquisitive request. The elders have almost absolutely respected my pride, dignity and thirst for knowledge. I learned to stun them with thoughts that they could have never instigated with their perspectives. I reached inside their heads and learned them, working hard to become like them to know what they know and why. Of course, most of that was naive however the jewels of wisdom that I received(especially when healthy unjaded jewels) were timeless as well as enriching. I learned to put myself out there that required me to be tested by people because the more I learn the better I am. Always taking notes, studious at studying life. I've come a very long way from being a potentially brilliant specialist like most individuals to becoming literally an every man in my own way. On a day like this, none of that matters. On a day like this, I'm simply tired of being alone. I'd almost pay for company but I simply have too much pride and too great a smile. Even my saddest days won't take me beyond the depths of depravity that would inspire me to do such a desperate act of loneliness.
Despicable!
Do I need to tell you that I ain't judging? Forget how you see it. What do I care about your narrow-minded and limited thinking capabilities to try and throw a title on everything(Narrow/small/simple/weak-minded individuals are the bane of my existence-I love children but cannot "stomach" adults with the mental capacities of children). One of the most pointless yet shameful displays of vanity that people mindlessly over look.
Before I insult another person, I'll end this post. Insults are not my intention regardless of how I feel. I do apologize for the harsh comment but such is truly how I feel. Yes, I am aware that it borders on hypocrisy but I could not be halved to care.
This is the brain child of my inability to count out knocked out fighters expecting that they will be like the scorched forest to grow anew amidst the spoils and scars of the flickering flames.
Wish me well, wish me hell just take care of yourselves.
This is my love for now.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Every Bit
That delicious pint of ice cream sitting in your freezer, inaudibly calling your name. How did it know to be your favorite kind? Made by your favorite maker. It is cheating in the war of self-control. It secretly is aware that it is your kryptonite. It is always issuing a challenge to you. As long as you don’t taste it, you can win that challenge but the very moment that sweet harmony of “mmm” touches your taste buds, you instantly cave to your desires.
You think to yourself,”I can stop at about half the container.” but it comes sooner than you anticipated, much to your chagrin. “Darn.” Then you think, “Well, I did say ‘about’ half way”. You know, deep inside, that ‘about’ was a code word for indulgence. You know, that this means the container will be empty before you relinquish control.
This is how I feel about you & your love. This is how I feel about having to leave you immediately following a kiss or a hug. It feels like something is tearing the soul from my body. It feels like I’m dying. If I don’t judge you for the things you cannot let go, then why must you judge me for the person that I cannot, nay, will not let go of easily?
Whatever you see my desire as, be it lust or addiction, you are required to see that merely, deeply inside of me, is the urge for it to be requited; the urging of reciprocity. Can you give me what I desire?
You think to yourself,”I can stop at about half the container.” but it comes sooner than you anticipated, much to your chagrin. “Darn.” Then you think, “Well, I did say ‘about’ half way”. You know, deep inside, that ‘about’ was a code word for indulgence. You know, that this means the container will be empty before you relinquish control.
This is how I feel about you & your love. This is how I feel about having to leave you immediately following a kiss or a hug. It feels like something is tearing the soul from my body. It feels like I’m dying. If I don’t judge you for the things you cannot let go, then why must you judge me for the person that I cannot, nay, will not let go of easily?
Whatever you see my desire as, be it lust or addiction, you are required to see that merely, deeply inside of me, is the urge for it to be requited; the urging of reciprocity. Can you give me what I desire?
Legisou
I'm disgruntled. Not really. I'll chase you to the ends of the Earth just to tell you how much I appreciated your encouragement.
We all know that it isn't about power or intellect but the proper placement(think baseball and sweet spots; think Martial Arts and the precision in their strikes). More so than anybody else, at least recently, the way you gushed over me and encouraged me truly made me feel like I could do it. Sometimes the words feel empty when coming from others, you know, less than sincere, like they are just saying it to fulfill some portion of a desire within themselves. I felt much differently about your encouragement. It has been a while, and when I hesitate to push...flashes in my head, urging me to chase my dreams. No false confidence, no pseudo reprimand, just the encouragement I know as love. This is sincere and I would prefer you kept it with the highest regard but at the end of the day, I'm a stranger with a record of being inconsistent in almost every way. I'm clawing for improvement and who knows if I will ever truly find it but knowing the encouragement as I have, knowing the love random strangers share with each other, I feel further steadied on my personal path through perdition. Again thank you.
Here is the question: Do you know why what you said and how you said it madeit through to me as sincere, genuine & refreshing?
We all know that it isn't about power or intellect but the proper placement(think baseball and sweet spots; think Martial Arts and the precision in their strikes). More so than anybody else, at least recently, the way you gushed over me and encouraged me truly made me feel like I could do it. Sometimes the words feel empty when coming from others, you know, less than sincere, like they are just saying it to fulfill some portion of a desire within themselves. I felt much differently about your encouragement. It has been a while, and when I hesitate to push...flashes in my head, urging me to chase my dreams. No false confidence, no pseudo reprimand, just the encouragement I know as love. This is sincere and I would prefer you kept it with the highest regard but at the end of the day, I'm a stranger with a record of being inconsistent in almost every way. I'm clawing for improvement and who knows if I will ever truly find it but knowing the encouragement as I have, knowing the love random strangers share with each other, I feel further steadied on my personal path through perdition. Again thank you.
Here is the question: Do you know why what you said and how you said it madeit through to me as sincere, genuine & refreshing?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Apparently LoadB
A feeling. Some indescribable force compelling an emotional response. Ineffable potential responses glazed over by the lack of ability and the constant push of time. How can unknown moments be revisited without a transaction record; without an attempt to catch memories in a bottle?
Can a person really see the energy of another; can a spirit really be melded from two into one? Does a sincere person speak in abstract terms that can only be defined individually? Does it really matter how many people a body is shared with? A plethora of questions, inquisitions and curiosities but are there any concrete answers? Sure, for individuals but not in general.
Like the branches on an aging tree, personalities and beliefs push in every which way to find only ether awaiting. Nobody is correct but everyone is proper; nobody is wrong but everyone is misled. Closed or open minded; kindly accommodating, begrudgingly obligating or rudely obstinate, people do what people "will" to do. Just as branches may block the Sun of one another or limit the wetness of the raindrops to reach the roots, each is natural and accounted for. Just as the criminals imprisoned or the business man exalted, each path has already been chosen but the "crown" has yet to be placed.
How often does a person stand outside of destiny; finishing at some unprecedented location? Avoiding the constraints of fate and growing with an infinitely intimate trajectory is simply too difficult to capture within words. The meaning escapes translation from "eye to eye". To learn the bite of fire, there is a very real need to first touch the root of it. With this grab at the base of destruction known as fire, the worth of pain can become evidence of life. For through the fire, life can be seen dancing wildly with reckless abandon.
Can a person really see the energy of another; can a spirit really be melded from two into one? Does a sincere person speak in abstract terms that can only be defined individually? Does it really matter how many people a body is shared with? A plethora of questions, inquisitions and curiosities but are there any concrete answers? Sure, for individuals but not in general.
Like the branches on an aging tree, personalities and beliefs push in every which way to find only ether awaiting. Nobody is correct but everyone is proper; nobody is wrong but everyone is misled. Closed or open minded; kindly accommodating, begrudgingly obligating or rudely obstinate, people do what people "will" to do. Just as branches may block the Sun of one another or limit the wetness of the raindrops to reach the roots, each is natural and accounted for. Just as the criminals imprisoned or the business man exalted, each path has already been chosen but the "crown" has yet to be placed.
How often does a person stand outside of destiny; finishing at some unprecedented location? Avoiding the constraints of fate and growing with an infinitely intimate trajectory is simply too difficult to capture within words. The meaning escapes translation from "eye to eye". To learn the bite of fire, there is a very real need to first touch the root of it. With this grab at the base of destruction known as fire, the worth of pain can become evidence of life. For through the fire, life can be seen dancing wildly with reckless abandon.
Slipping into Darkness
I know that I share a lot of details about myself. Sometimes the details seem pointless. Sometimes I say things that people cannot follow and so they dismiss these things as purely bollocks. Well, I have been trying hard to figure out what people see wrong with the way I share my thoughts. I do so much to fit in but I simply cannot. Not the way that I currently am. My mother raised an individual and a child that aimed to be the greatest man who ever lived. While her child may not be the greatest ever, I, will never stop trying. I get confused really easily. However, I try really hard to keep up with people. Sometimes, the way people communicate utterly circumvents any ability I possess.
I love to laugh and I try hard not to take myself too seriously but we all know how feeling as if the people around you could care less inspires rebellion in our gut. Anyways, I use that goofiness to get through these situations that try ever fiber of my character. It helps. Though, there are times that I feel like the little positivity that I possess is simply not enough to counter all of the anger and resentment looming inside of me. There appears to be no form of catharsis that will supply me with the necessary burst to get over myself. I mean, I judge people. Not necessarily for who they are but what they do. It is easier to forgive a person frozen to inaction than a person who makes a horrendous mistake. I haven't given of myself or my virtue so freely that a woman that has had 30 different men in her can label me "hers". I would feel underwhelmed with what I could mean to her. She could literally extend my life with an organ and it still would not budge me from the perception that she just didn't treasure her future husband enough to remain somewhat virtuous. I cannot be that person. To be completely honest, I cannot even fathom ten different men. It hurts my brain to visualize. I'd rather stay single and mean nothing to no one than to give myself totally to somebody who has shared their "self" with so many. I cannot be him for you if you are as the hypothetical woman is in my head. Call me lame. Call me stunted. Call me insecure and every other name. But does that then lace within my words the freedom to label you a whore, slut, jezzebelle or anything else to tarnish your character? Is that a solid point? I don't wish to define anybody else outside of what they CAN mean to me. I don't even do that a lot. When I did do that a lot, it felt weak and weird. I wasn't comfortable doing so. There is an odd feeling of power; a slight thrill from drowning somebody in hateful terms. I hate that feeling of power. I hate that thrill. It doesn't fit me well.
I love to laugh and I try hard not to take myself too seriously but we all know how feeling as if the people around you could care less inspires rebellion in our gut. Anyways, I use that goofiness to get through these situations that try ever fiber of my character. It helps. Though, there are times that I feel like the little positivity that I possess is simply not enough to counter all of the anger and resentment looming inside of me. There appears to be no form of catharsis that will supply me with the necessary burst to get over myself. I mean, I judge people. Not necessarily for who they are but what they do. It is easier to forgive a person frozen to inaction than a person who makes a horrendous mistake. I haven't given of myself or my virtue so freely that a woman that has had 30 different men in her can label me "hers". I would feel underwhelmed with what I could mean to her. She could literally extend my life with an organ and it still would not budge me from the perception that she just didn't treasure her future husband enough to remain somewhat virtuous. I cannot be that person. To be completely honest, I cannot even fathom ten different men. It hurts my brain to visualize. I'd rather stay single and mean nothing to no one than to give myself totally to somebody who has shared their "self" with so many. I cannot be him for you if you are as the hypothetical woman is in my head. Call me lame. Call me stunted. Call me insecure and every other name. But does that then lace within my words the freedom to label you a whore, slut, jezzebelle or anything else to tarnish your character? Is that a solid point? I don't wish to define anybody else outside of what they CAN mean to me. I don't even do that a lot. When I did do that a lot, it felt weak and weird. I wasn't comfortable doing so. There is an odd feeling of power; a slight thrill from drowning somebody in hateful terms. I hate that feeling of power. I hate that thrill. It doesn't fit me well.
Simple Bitches
Miserable wretches. I'm not angry nor disappointed. Though, there has definitely been enough of this bullshit logic floating around supplementing the ignorance that perpetuates the daily issues we acquiesce to seemingly non-fucking-stop. I ain't shit. I ain't never going to be shit. But I will be a PH.d and I will teach at a four year. Eat my sack. Or don't, I think I'll need that for the demon seeded progeny I plan on procreating.
So, whats my kobe beef? This poorly focused ideology that people spread like an contagiously air-borne disease. Real talk. Lets start there at real talk. Whats fake talk? Hypotheticals? What world you live in that communicates primarily using hypothetical situations. Even as a commonly used expression the ideals that support the everything behind even feeling the need to say that shout ignorance of the user.
I'm not even going to transition, I'm just going to jump into my list as they come to me. Fuck if you give a damn for writing style as I'm showing my greatest ignorance at the moment. More to come as I'm not above this list. People who sleep with people they couldn't give a fuck less about. That shit utterly discombobulates me. Thats what the fuck STD's/STI's or any other thing you get from marriage like activities while not having marriage like amorous affinities about the person you engage. This shit is beyond silly. Expletive laden speech aside, you fuckers need to get right. Run around spouting all this God talk but the first mutha fucka to come out with double fuckin digit sexual partners. Oh? Word? Its just that easy to find somebody to fuck? Sure but it doesn't mean that just because you have the ability to do something that you should do it. I'm in single digits, I've turned down more mutha fuckas than I can remember for sillier reasons than I'd like to admit but the more important underlying motive is that I wanted the woman I settled down with to realize that I wasn't out there just giving my penis to any broad, pretty or not, that asked for it. Y'all are fucking up and still asking for respect? Fuck the whole every part of you. I don't feel any need at all to define you but just because I ain't walking around throwing out titles and shit doesn't mean I didn't define how I feel about people that do the things that I don't agree with. Hence, why I keep to my fucking self. I can only hate myself so much because I understand why I did everything I did. You however, I don't know why and my perspective will NEVER line up with yours. We were raised with differing values and experiences...this is the only reason I don't see fit to judge you. But having you even interact with me burns me...because part of me knows that you are trying desperately to relate. I absolutely hate that. Even if I was perfect...well I cannot in good conscience make that sentence. If I were a better person, I doubt the fortitude of my character would withstand an assault of the kind others represent. I'm not Jesus, I will not assort with prostitutes or killers or thieves and maintain my visions and determinations.
You cry foul first fucks. As long as you winning, you don't give a shit about nobody else's pains but when you in pain you think everybody else should care about your shit. Fuck the ever longing shitty ass air you breathe. Victim mentality ass trash. Y'all talking about reading books. White's,Black's and all the other colors of rainbows and shit. Everybody want somebody else to bow to them and their bullshit pains. Always throwing criticism, elevating personal idealisms and yet claiming to be intelligent. Fuck quotation marks. The first people to tell me I'm hard, or stuck up or some other bullshit are the ones who over look how far I actually traveled to hold my hand out and help them. I could have watched people burn and drown but I risked my flesh to travel through trouble and assist them in persisting life. I cannot tell you how many times I've been stabbed in my back by people who's lives I've saved. I cannot tell you how many times I've held my hand out for help and nobody was there to grab that shit.How many miles I've had to walk when people were relaxing and refusing to answer their phones when I desperately needed help. The tears that flowed my cheeks as I felt alone in the world. The despair I've nearly given into. And out of those moments the first thing I do is reach inside my self to find forgiveness and understanding for these other people. They don't do it for me, I don't get caught up on it. I grow. I always try to grow. I have my weaknesses and failures thrown in my face far too commonly for me to feel comfortable but the first thing I am accused of being is negative. I'm black bitch. I cannot even remember if my memories are true any more. I cannot remember if those guns that were in my face and cocked ready to blow were real or not anymore. I can't remember if running for my life and jumping fences were real, anymore. That is, until I look at the scars. And I think I've had a good life; a blessed life. I'm harder on myself for all the bullshit I fall into and forget to avoid while people that can't manage to smile through simple disadvantages judge me without knowing shit about me. What I've sacrificed or worked to get out of myself to overcome. The website shit doesn't bother me so much. It means less. People just puffing up their chest and getting caught up in emotions while acting like they ain't. Thats cool though. I've been called more punks and chumps then I know what to do with. I've been excluded and ostracized for being honest and vulnerable. And still they judge me. While being of the weakest variety and yet they are still winning while I'm losing.
I ain't got shit thats worth having. I'm on the verge of being locked into my slavery. Well, sort of. I've escaped plenty of pitfalls, some due my undeniable perversion in paranoia and others due to the good natures of the some of the same people I now cannot withstand any longer. Its very unsettling being upset with a person while totally and completely grateful to them. It is gut wrenchingly painful. But the same thing makes you smile makes you cry.
I hate feeling like I'm extra. I hate feeling like I'm slow. But people do some amazing things with thoughts and words and just lay things out in amazing ways. I don't know if it is a skill or what because I don't see it being taught anywhere. I've always been gifted with intelligence but there is just something that isn't adding up to zero when I look at it. And nobody has the fuckwits to explain this shit in a way that can be made accessible. I feel like either I'm really bright and people are really on some global level conspiration shit to make me question myself OR I'm really dumb and say some smart shit sometimes and nobody wants to nor has the heart to tell me how fucking stupid I really am. These are arrogant thoughts right? But this shit is simple. The world is run by idiots. What I mean by that last bit is actually a bit deeper than I can simply say. Imagine if you will, what it would take for me to come to a conclusion like those two possibilities and still maintain some sense of sanity. A tremendous amount of coincidence...not meant by the nuance but simply the fact that two things happened at the same time. We don't put mysticisms into the term coinciding but put the -ence on the end and all fuckin logic slides right the fuck on out. Kind of like the term ignorance, which, could still be used in a similar sense to that which it should mean instead of that which it does currently mean. The basterdization of this language is killing me and this shit needs to be refreshed, or something.
So all of that...distracted language was to say there are too many differing ways for me to say how I just don't agree with the shit people do and say and think but the most I can ever do about it is A)complain B)join in C)mind my own D)quit. The thing is, I made my decision a long time ago and this may sound like bullshit or (for those who have been praying for me because of my use of expletives) malarkey but I was fairly conscientious of my responsibilities at a young age. There are plenty of things that I missed but understanding my impact on the World around me wasn't really one of them. Thank you Captain Planet.
I wanted to save everyone. That got twisted and I wanted to destroy everything. Then I saw the common super villain theme was this twisted love. I did not want to be evil. I was afraid of that life. As I grew and resisted the urges, I began to understand that things aren't just white and black. I grew to find that things much more intensely complicated than most people make them out to be. Everything needs to be simplified. Could life be more pointless? Naw, you think working a job is making some sort of contribution to society? I'll be straight up with you, my thoughts on society are summed up with this-"Fuck Society". I've separated myself from this gelatenous group of hideously pretentious import. You all ain't worth shit. That you think, is the only reason you think you are worth shit. This shouldn't be ground breaking. Though, there is one thing that makes it all worth living through. "Everything you will do will never matter, thought it is very important that you do it." I don't remember who the quote comes from but that shit gives me life.
All the bullshit niggas,wiggas,chinks,changs,spics,spans and any other mutha gotto come with could miss me in the most epic of ways but I'll do my best to not allow it to bother me too greatly. Cause I ain't shit and I ain't never gon' be shit...my name is Jerome, nice to meet you. If you read all of that you are either curiously piqued or sincerely have surpassed any reasoning I would know for a person to read an esoteric rant and not really know why the person mad. Why am I mad son? Because people stay on bullshit and want to drag you into it. I'm just trying to make my dream come true so I can improve how people do the things they do. And when I finally get to tell my story, I'm sure it won't bore you too much. But right now...I'm still crawling around the bottom of the barrel soaking up as much sunlight as I can as it filters through the layers of hate and disregard. I'm so ready for this life to reach pleasant. Smiling when people hand you shit is getting old. I just want to be matched...if I always got to work to meet the people in my life then what the fuck am I still living where I'm living for? I could do this well with my enemies.
Losing an opinion is much harder than anything a person could sincerely do. I'm still working on it. And if someone says, "Oh, I got rid of my opinion already." I'll jap slap the poor piss outta em. The fuck you did. bottling and removing are two entirely different....you know what? I will not respond to ignorance not a second longer.
And that's my love for now....
So, whats my kobe beef? This poorly focused ideology that people spread like an contagiously air-borne disease. Real talk. Lets start there at real talk. Whats fake talk? Hypotheticals? What world you live in that communicates primarily using hypothetical situations. Even as a commonly used expression the ideals that support the everything behind even feeling the need to say that shout ignorance of the user.
I'm not even going to transition, I'm just going to jump into my list as they come to me. Fuck if you give a damn for writing style as I'm showing my greatest ignorance at the moment. More to come as I'm not above this list. People who sleep with people they couldn't give a fuck less about. That shit utterly discombobulates me. Thats what the fuck STD's/STI's or any other thing you get from marriage like activities while not having marriage like amorous affinities about the person you engage. This shit is beyond silly. Expletive laden speech aside, you fuckers need to get right. Run around spouting all this God talk but the first mutha fucka to come out with double fuckin digit sexual partners. Oh? Word? Its just that easy to find somebody to fuck? Sure but it doesn't mean that just because you have the ability to do something that you should do it. I'm in single digits, I've turned down more mutha fuckas than I can remember for sillier reasons than I'd like to admit but the more important underlying motive is that I wanted the woman I settled down with to realize that I wasn't out there just giving my penis to any broad, pretty or not, that asked for it. Y'all are fucking up and still asking for respect? Fuck the whole every part of you. I don't feel any need at all to define you but just because I ain't walking around throwing out titles and shit doesn't mean I didn't define how I feel about people that do the things that I don't agree with. Hence, why I keep to my fucking self. I can only hate myself so much because I understand why I did everything I did. You however, I don't know why and my perspective will NEVER line up with yours. We were raised with differing values and experiences...this is the only reason I don't see fit to judge you. But having you even interact with me burns me...because part of me knows that you are trying desperately to relate. I absolutely hate that. Even if I was perfect...well I cannot in good conscience make that sentence. If I were a better person, I doubt the fortitude of my character would withstand an assault of the kind others represent. I'm not Jesus, I will not assort with prostitutes or killers or thieves and maintain my visions and determinations.
You cry foul first fucks. As long as you winning, you don't give a shit about nobody else's pains but when you in pain you think everybody else should care about your shit. Fuck the ever longing shitty ass air you breathe. Victim mentality ass trash. Y'all talking about reading books. White's,Black's and all the other colors of rainbows and shit. Everybody want somebody else to bow to them and their bullshit pains. Always throwing criticism, elevating personal idealisms and yet claiming to be intelligent. Fuck quotation marks. The first people to tell me I'm hard, or stuck up or some other bullshit are the ones who over look how far I actually traveled to hold my hand out and help them. I could have watched people burn and drown but I risked my flesh to travel through trouble and assist them in persisting life. I cannot tell you how many times I've been stabbed in my back by people who's lives I've saved. I cannot tell you how many times I've held my hand out for help and nobody was there to grab that shit.How many miles I've had to walk when people were relaxing and refusing to answer their phones when I desperately needed help. The tears that flowed my cheeks as I felt alone in the world. The despair I've nearly given into. And out of those moments the first thing I do is reach inside my self to find forgiveness and understanding for these other people. They don't do it for me, I don't get caught up on it. I grow. I always try to grow. I have my weaknesses and failures thrown in my face far too commonly for me to feel comfortable but the first thing I am accused of being is negative. I'm black bitch. I cannot even remember if my memories are true any more. I cannot remember if those guns that were in my face and cocked ready to blow were real or not anymore. I can't remember if running for my life and jumping fences were real, anymore. That is, until I look at the scars. And I think I've had a good life; a blessed life. I'm harder on myself for all the bullshit I fall into and forget to avoid while people that can't manage to smile through simple disadvantages judge me without knowing shit about me. What I've sacrificed or worked to get out of myself to overcome. The website shit doesn't bother me so much. It means less. People just puffing up their chest and getting caught up in emotions while acting like they ain't. Thats cool though. I've been called more punks and chumps then I know what to do with. I've been excluded and ostracized for being honest and vulnerable. And still they judge me. While being of the weakest variety and yet they are still winning while I'm losing.
I ain't got shit thats worth having. I'm on the verge of being locked into my slavery. Well, sort of. I've escaped plenty of pitfalls, some due my undeniable perversion in paranoia and others due to the good natures of the some of the same people I now cannot withstand any longer. Its very unsettling being upset with a person while totally and completely grateful to them. It is gut wrenchingly painful. But the same thing makes you smile makes you cry.
I hate feeling like I'm extra. I hate feeling like I'm slow. But people do some amazing things with thoughts and words and just lay things out in amazing ways. I don't know if it is a skill or what because I don't see it being taught anywhere. I've always been gifted with intelligence but there is just something that isn't adding up to zero when I look at it. And nobody has the fuckwits to explain this shit in a way that can be made accessible. I feel like either I'm really bright and people are really on some global level conspiration shit to make me question myself OR I'm really dumb and say some smart shit sometimes and nobody wants to nor has the heart to tell me how fucking stupid I really am. These are arrogant thoughts right? But this shit is simple. The world is run by idiots. What I mean by that last bit is actually a bit deeper than I can simply say. Imagine if you will, what it would take for me to come to a conclusion like those two possibilities and still maintain some sense of sanity. A tremendous amount of coincidence...not meant by the nuance but simply the fact that two things happened at the same time. We don't put mysticisms into the term coinciding but put the -ence on the end and all fuckin logic slides right the fuck on out. Kind of like the term ignorance, which, could still be used in a similar sense to that which it should mean instead of that which it does currently mean. The basterdization of this language is killing me and this shit needs to be refreshed, or something.
So all of that...distracted language was to say there are too many differing ways for me to say how I just don't agree with the shit people do and say and think but the most I can ever do about it is A)complain B)join in C)mind my own D)quit. The thing is, I made my decision a long time ago and this may sound like bullshit or (for those who have been praying for me because of my use of expletives) malarkey but I was fairly conscientious of my responsibilities at a young age. There are plenty of things that I missed but understanding my impact on the World around me wasn't really one of them. Thank you Captain Planet.
I wanted to save everyone. That got twisted and I wanted to destroy everything. Then I saw the common super villain theme was this twisted love. I did not want to be evil. I was afraid of that life. As I grew and resisted the urges, I began to understand that things aren't just white and black. I grew to find that things much more intensely complicated than most people make them out to be. Everything needs to be simplified. Could life be more pointless? Naw, you think working a job is making some sort of contribution to society? I'll be straight up with you, my thoughts on society are summed up with this-"Fuck Society". I've separated myself from this gelatenous group of hideously pretentious import. You all ain't worth shit. That you think, is the only reason you think you are worth shit. This shouldn't be ground breaking. Though, there is one thing that makes it all worth living through. "Everything you will do will never matter, thought it is very important that you do it." I don't remember who the quote comes from but that shit gives me life.
All the bullshit niggas,wiggas,chinks,changs,spics,spans and any other mutha gotto come with could miss me in the most epic of ways but I'll do my best to not allow it to bother me too greatly. Cause I ain't shit and I ain't never gon' be shit...my name is Jerome, nice to meet you. If you read all of that you are either curiously piqued or sincerely have surpassed any reasoning I would know for a person to read an esoteric rant and not really know why the person mad. Why am I mad son? Because people stay on bullshit and want to drag you into it. I'm just trying to make my dream come true so I can improve how people do the things they do. And when I finally get to tell my story, I'm sure it won't bore you too much. But right now...I'm still crawling around the bottom of the barrel soaking up as much sunlight as I can as it filters through the layers of hate and disregard. I'm so ready for this life to reach pleasant. Smiling when people hand you shit is getting old. I just want to be matched...if I always got to work to meet the people in my life then what the fuck am I still living where I'm living for? I could do this well with my enemies.
Losing an opinion is much harder than anything a person could sincerely do. I'm still working on it. And if someone says, "Oh, I got rid of my opinion already." I'll jap slap the poor piss outta em. The fuck you did. bottling and removing are two entirely different....you know what? I will not respond to ignorance not a second longer.
And that's my love for now....
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Black Powder
My younger, most well mannered cousin offered me this stuff called Black Powder. I think that was another name for dynamite but I'm not sure and too lazy to highlight and scroll down to search google for Black powder. Considering I just typed that all out, you may be skeptical to believe me. Nope, LAZY.
Anyways, I held onto it for months and did zero research. I went through force factor, which inspired a weird, imprecise feeling. I thought I was stronger, it worked. Often it spurred my apetite and for that I was grateful. I have been off force factor for a few months now and decided to try this Black Powder. I mixed it and consumed it on an empty stomach like the directions instructed. I became very hesitant though because it wanted an empty stomach...this is the very first and only supplement to ask such of me. I comply and I'm lifting weights within thirty minutes like I was supposed to.
Nothing is notably different and all I keep thinking about is all the caffeine it said it had in it. How much did it say? I honestly never knew, I just knew it had some in it. Anticipation effects...not yet.
So, I get to the last part of my work out, today was a leg day, I was on squats. I usually get too lazy to do free weight squats lately because my knees have been unbearably pained by them, well that and the motion is extremely uncomfortable. I proceed to do the squats. I struggle with 140 lbs. I get curious but I add weight. The asian next to me started with less than 100 lbs but he was smaller than me. I tried to ignore him as I have a tendency to ensure that I do more everything than the person next to me. Grrrr. I bump up to 185 lbs. I do that set and still my body isn't responding like I'd want it to. Meh. I bump up to 225 lbs. Finally beginning to find some rhythm with my form. A but happier behind that. I notice that I'm quite out of breath though. I take my time, its no rush. I do another set at that 225 weight. The fluidity of my motions are still improving by leaps and bounds. I have almost not a single qualm with my movements. I take another break and rest a moment to appraise my fatigue level. I feel fine for the most part and I typically would be done here but the Asian guy next to me is now doing a weight similar to my own. I decide, "hell, my rhythm is great now, I'll do another set and bounce."
So, this is my best set. I even do this set faster and with less overall effort. As I go to replace the weight, my spidey sense rings like a four alarm fire bell. I take a step and the weight of the World is dumped on my plate like some over eaters challenge. I take a seat. The seat I've now taken does not help any. I look for a place that I can stretch out but mentally because my eyes are fading in and out of focus. I think of the stretching mats. I plan on making a journey there. I don't remember that journey but I remember laying down because what happened next was all non plussing.
I'm there for a minute and my body begins to sweat like a fully open faucet. Problem is, I really don't sweat that much, even in the heat. I'm just not that sweaty. Anyways, I'm beyond drenched, nauseated and slightly disoriented. I think to myself..."damn that caffeine" it was merely a scapegoat.
As I lay there laughing at myself and swearing off of that Black powder as if it were alcohol and I over did it, I begin to think about how my body feels and I notice my heart aching. Fear strikes a note in my head. I resolve myself that everything is already done, the effect is already half lifed. I may be lying but I don't know or care because I need the delusion to provide me faith and confidence.
I feel like crap but I refuse to be a slob because of it. I get up and retrieve the supplies to clean where my sweat lay there soaking into the mat. After wiping the mat I find myself lightly disgusted at the people who were there before me. What I wiped up was pure black ratchedness. WTF? I lay there dying in that yuck factory. I wore myself out trying to be a decent person when I would have been better off leaving it the gross ass way it was.
I lay there against a bouncy ball catching my breath until I mustered enough strength to stumble out of the gym. Chest out back straight but the head was looking two feet ahead of me. I could not afford to stumble.
Suddenly, I begin feeling jacked while still nauseated. I decided to drive. My mother calls. She didn't notice that I sounded like shit. I kind of hoped she would. I was in a sinking ship. I decided I was a man, I went to walmart. My father deserved to get his birthday card on time even if I didn't get his present off on time. I did this mayne. Eli. Stumbled through wally world...confused and directionless. Ran to the post office, looking strung out and minimally coherent. I made my way home. Grrrr.
As I finally lay down I grab the container of black powder and use my phone on the barcode. I pull up several websites that say the health risk is heart and muscle failure. I laugh. I guess that was too close for comfort and I was just happy that my reckless nature didn't do me in. Alls well that ends well, right?
Now, I need to find some sex and magic. Van Hunt.
Anyways, I held onto it for months and did zero research. I went through force factor, which inspired a weird, imprecise feeling. I thought I was stronger, it worked. Often it spurred my apetite and for that I was grateful. I have been off force factor for a few months now and decided to try this Black Powder. I mixed it and consumed it on an empty stomach like the directions instructed. I became very hesitant though because it wanted an empty stomach...this is the very first and only supplement to ask such of me. I comply and I'm lifting weights within thirty minutes like I was supposed to.
Nothing is notably different and all I keep thinking about is all the caffeine it said it had in it. How much did it say? I honestly never knew, I just knew it had some in it. Anticipation effects...not yet.
So, I get to the last part of my work out, today was a leg day, I was on squats. I usually get too lazy to do free weight squats lately because my knees have been unbearably pained by them, well that and the motion is extremely uncomfortable. I proceed to do the squats. I struggle with 140 lbs. I get curious but I add weight. The asian next to me started with less than 100 lbs but he was smaller than me. I tried to ignore him as I have a tendency to ensure that I do more everything than the person next to me. Grrrr. I bump up to 185 lbs. I do that set and still my body isn't responding like I'd want it to. Meh. I bump up to 225 lbs. Finally beginning to find some rhythm with my form. A but happier behind that. I notice that I'm quite out of breath though. I take my time, its no rush. I do another set at that 225 weight. The fluidity of my motions are still improving by leaps and bounds. I have almost not a single qualm with my movements. I take another break and rest a moment to appraise my fatigue level. I feel fine for the most part and I typically would be done here but the Asian guy next to me is now doing a weight similar to my own. I decide, "hell, my rhythm is great now, I'll do another set and bounce."
So, this is my best set. I even do this set faster and with less overall effort. As I go to replace the weight, my spidey sense rings like a four alarm fire bell. I take a step and the weight of the World is dumped on my plate like some over eaters challenge. I take a seat. The seat I've now taken does not help any. I look for a place that I can stretch out but mentally because my eyes are fading in and out of focus. I think of the stretching mats. I plan on making a journey there. I don't remember that journey but I remember laying down because what happened next was all non plussing.
I'm there for a minute and my body begins to sweat like a fully open faucet. Problem is, I really don't sweat that much, even in the heat. I'm just not that sweaty. Anyways, I'm beyond drenched, nauseated and slightly disoriented. I think to myself..."damn that caffeine" it was merely a scapegoat.
As I lay there laughing at myself and swearing off of that Black powder as if it were alcohol and I over did it, I begin to think about how my body feels and I notice my heart aching. Fear strikes a note in my head. I resolve myself that everything is already done, the effect is already half lifed. I may be lying but I don't know or care because I need the delusion to provide me faith and confidence.
I feel like crap but I refuse to be a slob because of it. I get up and retrieve the supplies to clean where my sweat lay there soaking into the mat. After wiping the mat I find myself lightly disgusted at the people who were there before me. What I wiped up was pure black ratchedness. WTF? I lay there dying in that yuck factory. I wore myself out trying to be a decent person when I would have been better off leaving it the gross ass way it was.
I lay there against a bouncy ball catching my breath until I mustered enough strength to stumble out of the gym. Chest out back straight but the head was looking two feet ahead of me. I could not afford to stumble.
Suddenly, I begin feeling jacked while still nauseated. I decided to drive. My mother calls. She didn't notice that I sounded like shit. I kind of hoped she would. I was in a sinking ship. I decided I was a man, I went to walmart. My father deserved to get his birthday card on time even if I didn't get his present off on time. I did this mayne. Eli. Stumbled through wally world...confused and directionless. Ran to the post office, looking strung out and minimally coherent. I made my way home. Grrrr.
As I finally lay down I grab the container of black powder and use my phone on the barcode. I pull up several websites that say the health risk is heart and muscle failure. I laugh. I guess that was too close for comfort and I was just happy that my reckless nature didn't do me in. Alls well that ends well, right?
Now, I need to find some sex and magic. Van Hunt.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Its easier being bitter
Apparently, I don't have a tremendous wealth of experience or knowledge at my humble age. My opinion seems to grate the people it comes into contact with. I only say things I see to be true. Somehow I developed a parallel way of dealing with people by acknowledging that though they may not agree or see what I do, that their view is still as real as anything I see. This is difficult because it brings to the front and center the potential that I could be just as inattentionally blinded as those I chide. This is difficult to grip. Anyways, I dislike bitter people. Bitter people are my topic tonight.
From a very young age, I refused to be jaded or bittered by the negative things that happen. All I've ever seen being jaded produce is agony and pain and misunderstandings. I want to avoid as many confrontations as possible. Oddly enough, I get into more confrontations than most people because of this. I see it as me being proactive despite the fact that all the action in the world can only achieve so much.
With me avoiding becoming bitter, I've always played the bigger person and at times it becomes extremely tiring. There is never an opportunity to be wrong without critical dismissal of your worth. There are no bonus points and a positive image is easy to up-end without much in the way of wrong doing.
Eventually, I was left to realize that the only thing I received from being the bigger person and not getting jaded by my experience was the satisfaction of knowing I did the proper thing. But I could achieve so much with simple delusion like most people. Nonetheless, I persist because at this point I have told enough people that this near ascension level being is expected of me and I told my father(who in his own right is superlatively magnanimous). I aspire to be like he in many ways. That includes not taking the easy route and falling into a simple delusion that allows me to focus on some fact while heavily disregarding others in order to supply my need for self approval and social recognition.
Basically, it is a lot easier just getting mad, blaming everything and everybody else and being an overall killjoy. People bend to these malingerers willingly as if to avoid disturbances but really they just reinforce that a person can act unreasonably and receive what they want because of their approach.
So, the wrong way has been taken the most and the response is overwhelmingly clear: the easy road sucks in the end.
With women, they seem to try and fix the bitter men. With men, they try and run fast from the bitter women. This is largely backwards but if you squint just right, it makes perfect sense.
I know I rambled. I know I was barely coherent and I know I should do revisions to iron out the kinks in my writing and perhaps one day I will, but today is simply not the day that will be done.
Let go of the bitterness, I implore you. Being jaded has very little positively conducive potential. While being fresh and unwavering with patience leads to a world of opportunities that few ever even know exist.
That's my love for now. Jya
From a very young age, I refused to be jaded or bittered by the negative things that happen. All I've ever seen being jaded produce is agony and pain and misunderstandings. I want to avoid as many confrontations as possible. Oddly enough, I get into more confrontations than most people because of this. I see it as me being proactive despite the fact that all the action in the world can only achieve so much.
With me avoiding becoming bitter, I've always played the bigger person and at times it becomes extremely tiring. There is never an opportunity to be wrong without critical dismissal of your worth. There are no bonus points and a positive image is easy to up-end without much in the way of wrong doing.
Eventually, I was left to realize that the only thing I received from being the bigger person and not getting jaded by my experience was the satisfaction of knowing I did the proper thing. But I could achieve so much with simple delusion like most people. Nonetheless, I persist because at this point I have told enough people that this near ascension level being is expected of me and I told my father(who in his own right is superlatively magnanimous). I aspire to be like he in many ways. That includes not taking the easy route and falling into a simple delusion that allows me to focus on some fact while heavily disregarding others in order to supply my need for self approval and social recognition.
Basically, it is a lot easier just getting mad, blaming everything and everybody else and being an overall killjoy. People bend to these malingerers willingly as if to avoid disturbances but really they just reinforce that a person can act unreasonably and receive what they want because of their approach.
So, the wrong way has been taken the most and the response is overwhelmingly clear: the easy road sucks in the end.
With women, they seem to try and fix the bitter men. With men, they try and run fast from the bitter women. This is largely backwards but if you squint just right, it makes perfect sense.
I know I rambled. I know I was barely coherent and I know I should do revisions to iron out the kinks in my writing and perhaps one day I will, but today is simply not the day that will be done.
Let go of the bitterness, I implore you. Being jaded has very little positively conducive potential. While being fresh and unwavering with patience leads to a world of opportunities that few ever even know exist.
That's my love for now. Jya
Thursday, July 7, 2011
And So What
I'm lonely as all well...hell. I wish that all these miraculous women I keep hearing about actually didn't seem to be repulsed every which way from my immediate vicinity. Sure, long term vision, my past has been a decent one. How I've been forgotten even while I'm remembered is too complex and whiny for me to comfortably put that thought into words.
I don't feel loved. Sure I know people say they love me but they sure as all...well...hell, don't show it.
I should have been smanging recklessly. Not giving a second thought to the wretched ratchetness and shenanigans that I could get into. I mean, I'm still thin but I'm very muscular & decently handsome. I'm nobody's joke. Alas, I live by what I consider a code of morals or standards. That mess is killing me. I need touch..romantic like, lustful and so many other ways. I'm not just impatient, I'm itching for interaction. So, I've come to the edge of giving a good damn.
Who wants to watch me plummet to hell in a hand basket full of grenades? We could record the whole thing. :-)
I don't feel loved. Sure I know people say they love me but they sure as all...well...hell, don't show it.
I should have been smanging recklessly. Not giving a second thought to the wretched ratchetness and shenanigans that I could get into. I mean, I'm still thin but I'm very muscular & decently handsome. I'm nobody's joke. Alas, I live by what I consider a code of morals or standards. That mess is killing me. I need touch..romantic like, lustful and so many other ways. I'm not just impatient, I'm itching for interaction. So, I've come to the edge of giving a good damn.
Who wants to watch me plummet to hell in a hand basket full of grenades? We could record the whole thing. :-)
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