Monday, May 30, 2011

The Flame on a lighter

Unnecessary and deep, my perspectives mean something deeper than the word-symbol relationship can produce on a mere appearance. Sure, maybe I ain't so deep to you but that means you are judging me in which case I'm not deep to you because you just aren't deep.
You probably have one direction and are great at doing that and will probably be wonderful and happy with all you choose and I'm happy for your satisfaction. Great. To me, in my eyes, you are just another one strike from burn-out simpleton that sits on the sideline attempting to be deeper than the highly generalized matchbook that you were made for. You are a one use human being. Sad, I know.
Me? I'm like the Flame on a lighter. You put me in any situation and I shine brilliantly and defiantly against even the strongest of winds. Why? Because I got a certain effort to become that flame, I've had to burn consistently to be who I am and in that vein, I've had to store as much fuel for my fire as possible. I seek to grow and the best way for me to grow isn't a one shot approach but a coldly calculated and charged effect of energy stored until the time is right. Every time.
I am the phoenix in the hand. I am the warmth bringer and the savior of the emptiness of the exposure in this world. Love me and respect me for I am what not many can be...soul on a wire...I am fire water. Hear my roar.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

To Step on a Frog

Before we get started, I have not yet read to kill a mockingbird and it is on my reading list. It is one of the books I bs'ed my way through in Highschool.

Anyways, this simply has a somewhat similar title and should be in no ways similar but I wouldn't know. End Disclaimer.

A lot of the time that I spend reading throughout the day is opinion and loosely referenced science. Hardly any of it is validated in the manner scholarly journals are validated.
Sometimes, the only thing I read in a day is a blog or a facebook page of a pretty woman, not because I'm thirsty or looking but just because I enjoy looking at pretty faces. Its like watching fishes swim. It soothes my everything.
Anyways, all this empty reading is like fastfood by being immediately ready for consumption, barely any real nutrients and typically bad for you. But it is still better than not doing anything at all. That don't make it worth doing.
I'm in the process of changing my habits. Matter of fact, I've been in that process for well over the last year. Yet, I have still not found a set of habits that I prefer. I've come to realize that I develop anxiety when things begin to settle in and desire nothing more than to break the chain of habit. Thats the only thing I have in the proximity of a habit; the jumpiness involved with breaking habits.
I want to step on that frog, quick fast and in a hurry.
I need to continue pushing my life forward because for the last three years I've been somewhat stalled and hopeless. It has nothing to do with women but if you asked me, it had everything to do with women. I want kids. Eyes bigger than my wallet/stomach on this one but that don't even matter to me. I feel like I'm getting old. I want to be with a woman around me age. But at this rate, I'll be way over 35 before I have children. I have a ton of fears and these fears are subtly interrupting my everyday flow. I wake up future oriented and out of it. I'm pushing toward the top of a mountain that I should not even be climbing as of yet. And this dissonance is disrupting -to a major degree- my ability to focus on what I need to be doing RAHT NOW and that is improving myself and my daily habits.
I'm a gym rat, too many people recognize me there and are too comfortable in talking to me. Thats just the way it is. I cook almost two meals a day so I eat alright, it could be better. I could read so much more but again I get antsy sitting there with a robust thought process, I've read entire chapters and not even realized that I zoned out while reading and don't remember a single word. A shame. I typically have to read a chapter three or four times when that happens and some of these chapters aint short.
I've been working on reading faster, I just don't like the way it feels. My eyes are uncomfortable. And while I'm whining...lol, jp, ijs.
Thing is that I realize that a great deal of my issues pan out to be little more than self-pitying excuses. Rather than acceptance I focus on what distracts me. On the outside, it is hard to tell the difference between acceptance and excusing. On the inside it is a completely different feeling. That yuck...it makes me jumpy and I'm going to step on that frog too.
Point of the entire post is that getting jumpy is going to happen in the process of changing and improving self but the best thing you can do is to step on that frog of jumpiness and move on with a confident stride and augmented composure.
Step on a frog a week and see how many frogs are left after a year. Pretty soon, you'll be walking like Obama and doing the Obamie.

'til then...its all love. Peace

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Last of a Dying Breed

"I wanna spend, time 'til it ends; I wanna fall with you again". An R&B ballad describing the urge to capture an undying; perpetually intensifying love in a moment of time shared by two people. Very romantic.

About social views on romance and the immediately related topics, often given life by song and show, which is the truer art imitating life or vice versa? Seemingly, the general public shifts convergent and divergent to cultural appeal. This can be used as an indicator of the flow of information as well as the inability to be free, independent thinkers.

The argument can be made that given a set of possibilities, a certain amount are going to feel a certain way. That in and of itself is fine. However, when groups defined on the basis of superficial characteristics can be clearly defined by said characteristics, sociological issues arise in myriad. These groups are typically glossed over for and defined by their "worth" to the direction of the governing body. No conspiracy theory so far, right?

This overall "influence" of the governing body determines the entirety of the population's individual perspectives directly or indirectly so. Prospective futures, legal limitations for self expression, a standard for acknowledgement as well as numerous criterion useful in measuring and defining self. Defining one's self typically begins with where they were born and what environment they were raised in. Point is, the past always matters; experience always matters, especially in a job/career search. What happens to a person, what that person does, what they eat, what they survive, what they cause to happen, it should all follow that person through life helping that person to become a better person with every step into the future.
Though, the cultural trend is beginning to seem like people want to play the high and mighty role of forgetting the past. Which is in some ways admirable. Like starting on a clean slate will remove the sting of a broken heart or a lost loved one. Even the bones in the human body are wiser than to try and forget the "breaks" or "nicks" that are accumulated over the years.
Like the broken bone aches when the weather is rainy, as a lonely heart wishes for the familiar feeling of contentment or the empty stomach begs for appeasement the memory is what pushes further action and guides wisdom.
The person claiming that 'incidences no longer matter' is either in denial or dysfunctional. These events are what shapes personality, intelligence and nearly every other aspect on which a person predicates interaction with others. Own thy self without disdain or limitations and call it self love.

Individuals who can accept themselves without excuses are a rare breed that is often imitated and misunderstood. Answers of self awareness are not suddenly greater or truer for the remainder of the World. Every individual has unique truths though to thirstily draw lines to signify growth is more for the appearance of an abundance of wisdom rather than actual experience itself. People who understand this are less than uncommon despite there being an overall sense of comprehension, the full brunt of understanding leaves many with a brimming intelligence unarmed in this realm of existence. Deeper than the difference between devout faith and simply being an undaunted believer; deeper than following directions to create a dish and being the one who ingeniously creates delectable dishes like a composer mellifluously strides between notes to create a masterpiece of harmony even while sans tools & instruments of the trade. The difference between skill levels is deeper than innate ability. Its like being born blind only to earn eyeballs. Its like the perfect beat. How many people could there be that truly live on the verge of grasping at the limitations of consciousness watching their conscience flicker like a flame in a gentle breeze. This is not poetry, this is not prose. The point is most people are more alike than not and the very infinitesimal portion that represents the remainder of a tribe of mindset are abandoned as subject to lunacy.
Would it even be known before they were criticized as crazy? What would anyone who would diminish them even know? What would it matter? Transcendence may be perpetually beyond grasp but that doesn't mean standing at the edge of it is pointless. Tend the gardens of the mind.

Friday, May 20, 2011

21st & Rapture

Some person, somewhere in the World decided that the morrow would be fittingly titled the beginning of the end. That is right, the apocalypse has apparently become imminent. And I refuse to worry, however, that doesn't mean that I don't care. I do.
When posed the question of "How would you spend your last moments before the apocalypse?" I responded with what I felt fit me perfectly. That was sitting in some beautiful scenery, enjoying my favorite foods, reading my favorite books, listening to my favorite sounds and being at peace with the World, myself and the flow of energy around me.
I do feel at peace. 99% of the time. The only thing that brings any disturbance is the women I choose to associate with romantically. Awesome women but they may not be the most mature or understanding femmes I've ever met. And that usually is an issue. Anyways, if the World has met the end of it's timeline, then, there is no need for me to allow such a petty disturbance to plague me.
I suffer the loves of my life. They know I love them. Despite the violence in my heart I am always gentle with them even while angered.
And this is why I could take the time to enjoy the scenery without the need for debauchery.
The imagery inspires me to want to cry for the solitude that my vision represents.
That I seem to feel happier alone, without the people I care about. That hurts my feelings. It makes me wish that I had a different, more involved perspective of these people that I've studied so closely over the years.
Ultimately, I feel like my view of the potential final minutes are akin to me saying that I don't feel loved. And that seems like spiritual desolation. At least I stand strong behind the convictions and moral standards that I view worthy.
It takes a lot of effort to be this disjointed and pensive. To ramble on semi-coherently.
Yeah, I've turned down a lot of women. I've turned down a lot of women tonight. And people think I'm arrogant BUT I see and acknowledge what they don't. Attraction. Eyes fixated on mine. And suddenly I realize why I came to my blog to post this: the woman that stole my heart has been acting weirdly. I needed to get that off my chest. This was my process. Thinking of the loneliness I've had all my life. Thinking of why it always felt like any thought I ever had was going to be me enjoying the things that only I enjoy. Like my view of the upcoming APOCALYPSE. I'm still alone, I still would rather be loving someone, inside the perfect woman or eating her subpar cooking but I recognize that it will just be me...alone. There is nothing wrong with being such a loner. At least, I hope there isn't. Somebody love me? Okay, thats at least half a joke.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Icy Hot Venusian Soul

Lioness of spirit energy, pride & change are whispered on a golden wind of silvery wings.
Loss is inevitable. Fleeting moments of beauty.
There is no passion that burns as that of a phoenix heart to be reborn of the throws of love.
When does the cycle of emotional violence cease to be inherited?
When a martyr takes a chance on acceptance and faith.
Time has come to return to Mars, lucky stars and handless clock faces, lost without reference.
Bury me deep within your conscience and praise my sacrifices for your ignorances. Kindness is a weakness that we choose to show.
Next time, choose to show the weakness at the simultaneously....

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

In That Mood

Wanting to watch the World burn slowly while sipping on some exotic teas and listening to the melodic styling of a romantic crooner, wailing for the ephemeral touch of love to return into vivaciousness from the now vapid form.

What is this mood called? Destructive? Hateful? Perhaps this is a moment where titles could barely matter any less.

If there was some resolution. If there was some discreet manner in which to handle heartbreak and disappointment.  If there was some reasonable justification as to why having everything you ever wanted snatched from beneath a glance full of pomp & circumstance. Such is life. Apparently, God was not willing at that time with that person.

Still, the damage remains. And reparations need to be made. Is it the solitude of a lonely soul or the wisdom of a sage. Twinkle bright little star, elucidate the darkness of loss with hope & growth.

Let the artistry, the aesthetics meet the aether of a morrow sight shall never see.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Kiss of Poison


Sweeter than the concentrated nectar of a million hives, the allure of this love potion number nine is deafening.
Stuck in the grasp, constricted, choking on the presence of a mind numbing event.

Reeking of a spiritual pheromone, the soul loses will and the body loses life.
The darkness loses light.

For the gravity of this singularity draws all consciousness inwardly while expelling all autonomy. The recession is a low point in ability but this is a suppression of immunity.

Undermining the urges, lusts & desires to maintain a pace to drive higher seeking the zenith, only to find the downward crash to nadir is infinite.

For, there is much exhilaration in touching tongue to tonsil. Even behind the bitterness. Nothing compares to a final "driplet" as a reminder of such a bitter...